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Sacred Mountain - Chapter 12 "Teach Me To Fly"



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Sun Sep 19, 2010 3:27 am
Skippy says...



“Teach me to fly,” I encouraged. Alex was curled up on one of the lounges reading that small leather bound book. He looked engrossed, yet he was gentle and hesitant as though if he held it too tight it may break. On the table beside him was a large cup of steaming coffee, which I could smell throughout the Underworld.

“What?” He asked, not taking his gaze from his book. He grabbed the cup of coffee and took a large sip. How can he drink it that hot? He didn’t spill any of it on his dark blue shirt, even though the cup was almost overflowing.

“Ellie, she told me that you can fly. Teach me,” I demanded. I needed to find any advantage to survive in this place. Who has never wondered what it was like to fly?

“It’s ten in the morning,” he instinctively rubbed at his eyes, as if he was still sleepy.

I smiled. “So?”

“Why do you want me to teach you to fly anyway?” He asked. He looked tired today with large rings surrounded his murky green eyes.

“What is fun about being plain and boring all the time?” I challenged.

His eyes flashed with excitement as he went into his room and grabbed his full length leather coat. Wearing that, a turtleneck and black jeans, he looked quite threatening. But maybe that’s how he wants you to think... “Come on then, we haven’t got all day,” He drifted by me and – without a pause to press any of the buttons – he walked through the portal.



We stood at the edge of a steep cliff. Two steps in front of me was a lengthy drop into the rocks hundreds of metres below. The air here was filled with the smell of the ocean as it journeyed from below and brushed past my face. Beneath us, I could hear the crashing of the waves upon the shore. My hair whipped around my face in the breeze. In the far distance I could see a large island.

I could hear memories crying in the winds. Their cries sung in the distance, I’d shut them out as far as possible, but not far enough it seemed. This place had known death and sorrow, yet it seemed at peace. The waves that crashed far below were gentle but held forgotten secrets, too afraid of what may be unleashed if they speak their names.
Alex’s voice snapped me out of my reverie. “Okay, you need to release your wings,” Alex informed. I gave him a blank look. How was I supposed to know how to ‘release my wings’? He sighed. “Okay... Each person has a word that describes everything about them, you with me?”

“Yeah,” I said, nodding my head. Being so close to the edge of that cliff made me rethink how much I trusted Alex. I questioned whether he would catch me if I fell. I looked at him trying to see his intentions and his real thoughts on me. I had completely tuned out his voice as I focused on his features of his face.

“-And, hey presto! You can fly!” I heard him say, faintly. He looked at me, meeting my gaze. He smiled a wry smile. “Why are you looking at me like that?’ My gaze fell to my feet in embarrassment. Gosh, you’re an idiot Raven!

“Sorry, can you repeat that again?” I asked, looking up at him. He was still watching me; his piercing, green eyes trying to see into my soul.

“Can you learn to listen the first time someone says something?” he asked with a smile. He wasn’t serious but he was a little annoyed at my ignorance.

“No, but I have this habit were I stop listening when people speak monotonously,” I stabbed.
He rolled his eyes. “If you ever wish to release your wings, you just say that word or words, and then you can fly,” He held his hands out beside him and flung himself off the cliff.

“Alex!” I screamed. I ran forward, kneeling at the edge of the jagged cliff, to try and see where he was. Below the waves continued to splash upon the shores, unaware of what had occurred. There was no point of impact, no splash, nothing.
It was as if he hadn’t...

A shadow loomed over me, like an oversized eagle. I looked up. Alex stepped onto the edge of the cliff, huge black wings surrounding his whole body. They were huge compared to his body and they seemed almost... beautiful. Each wing’s length would have had to have been over two metres.

“Did I frighten you?” He asked with a wry smile. Alex seemed clearer now that he had these enormous wings. His bright green eyes sparkled like emeralds, they seemed laid back yet they seemed to be filled with a strange urgency. His muscles seemed more defined and larger – which seems kind of impossible - however something about him seemed so gentle. His skin looked soft and well looked after, his lips were a light pink and well distinct.

“No,” I replied with hot cheeks. “It’s just... it’s just I don’t know the word that describes me,” I added hastily. He looked thoughtful for a moment. His huge wings folded up into their resting place between his shoulder blades.
Alex stepped forward. His mouth almost touched my ear. He came so close I could smell dried blood, spearmint and toothpaste. I could smell a hint of alcohol on his breath. Sweat and metal were added to the list. “Mon Ange,” he whispered in my ear. A shiver went down my spine. My back muscles tightened and a small ripping noise followed. I felt no pain, just a strange discomfort. Shadows now danced across my shoulders. I knew now that what Alex had said had caused me to release my wings.

He stepped back and looked me over for a moment. Seriousness filled his stature yet his eyes flashed excitement. “Okay flap your wings for a second,” Alex ordered. I closed my eyes and pictured my wings gliding with the breeze. I could hear the lapping waves on the beach far below as well as – what I was guessing was – my wings. “Good, good,” I heard Alex say. I opened my eyes to see him standing at the edge of the cliff. His wings were out and fully extended.

My hand moved behind my head to encounter an immensely soft object. My touch caused a small shiver to run along my spine. I ran my hand along the wing. I pulled the wing forward slightly. It made me uncomfortable to know that these two things were protruding from my back. I could see my wings out the sides of my vision. They were a glossy black, and they looked just as soft as they felt. I wonder what it looks like, what I look like.

“You look like you fit,” Alex said, still facing away from me. “Like this is where you belong,” He said softly. I smiled to myself. That was quiet sweet of him to say. Alex turned to face me. “You ready?” he asked, holding out his hand. I walked forward. He kept his hand outstretched towards me expecting me to take hold. I ignored his hand and went and stood beside him.

“You know, a lot of crap has happened to me. Most of it was sad or unfair yet this, this is something...” I looked down at the rocks hundreds of metres below. That familiar fear rose up into my stomach and I knew I was going to be sick. “This is something I can’t do,” I said quickly stepping away from the edge.

“Who has ever heard of an angel who was afraid of heights,” Alex taunted, turning towards me. “You sure they didn’t make a mistake, because an angel who doesn’t fly is not an angel at all.”

I looked up at him. His words stung, and I didn’t want to defend myself in an argument with him. I regained my composure, walked towards him. And I slapped him across the face. My hand stung, so his face must have hurt more. Alex rolled back on his heels, his hand reaching for his cheek. I stepped back, took a run-up and jumped off the cliff.

Only then did I realise I didn’t know how to fly.



I was going to die. I was so going to die. I fell a lot quicker than I had expected. Hair whipped around my face, my eyes watered and burned. Air slapped my white face so hard, it felt as though it was ripping it to shreds. Moisture from my eyes ran up my temples and soaked the roots of my hair. Fear pulsed through me.

I tried to make my wings move. They seemed gluggy and hard to move. The ground was nearing very quickly, and I knew
I wasn’t going to make myself fly in time. “Alex,” I could barely say his name.

“Are you finished being reckless and annoying?” Alex’s voice sounded in the wind.

“Yes, okay, yes,” I screamed. I shut my eyes. Within the next few seconds I knew I would hit the ground and die. Then, everything stopped. A weight settled softly on my hips. The wind stopped whistling in my ears. My eyes stung but not as much and my hair settled nicely around my face. I opened my eyes slightly.

“You want to do it my way this time?” Alex asked, in front of me. His wings flapped softly behind his shoulders, his hands holding me up by my waist. I nodded.

“I want you to try and tense the muscles in your back,” I had no idea how to do that. “Okay,” He sighed. “Umm... I don’t know, just think about flapping your wings,” He said absently. I focused on the wings protruding from my back. “You aren’t that bad at this you know,” I smiled at him. “I’ve seen better,” My smile dissipated. “But you aren’t bad,” He smiled this time.

I felt the wind whooshing around me. I saw the shadows on Alex’s face moving slowly. I was flying. I smiled at him. “Good work,” he encouraged. “I’m going to let you go now, okay?” I nodded. “If you do fall, I’ll catch you,” He began to loosen his grip on my hips.

“You promise?” I asked weakly.

He smiled at my weakness, laughed softly. “I promise,” I didn’t actually notice that he had let me go until now. I wasn’t falling. I smiled. I felt free, exhilarated.

“I’m flying,” I said happily. Alex even smiled. My wings failed for a moment, I fell about three metres or so before Alex grabbed hold of my hand.

“Come on,” He flapped his wings faster as we ascended towards the top of the cliff.
We flew over the ocean toward the small island in the distance. The ocean rippled beneath us as Alex’s wings beat strongly through the air. The ocean was a midnight blue with greenish streaks shining within. It was mesmerising. I could see the Alex’s shadow in the water.

I looked up at him. His gaze was set upon something ahead of us, the muscles in his face tensed slightly. He looked down at me. His eyes were guarded but they seemed deeply unfamiliar. The green in his eyes seemed darker now, as though something was on his mind. He looked away.

Alex’s wing speed slowed as we approached a small island. He shut his eyes for a moment. I don’t know whether this place meant something special to him or he just loved flying around here, but I felt we were entering a place that meant a lot to him.

“You ready?” He asked, looking down at me with a smile.

“Ready for what?” I returned. We had stopped high above the ocean about one hundred metres off shore.

“To fly,” He spoke so gently but a playful spark ignited in his eyes. His smile seemed to fill me with motivation. He let go of my hand.

I felt my hair whip around my face as I fell toward the dark blue ocean. My heart rate shot up. Mouth dry, I shut my eyes, waiting for the icy cold wall to smash into me.

An angel can’t fly without her wings. Alex’s voice sounded in my head. I felt my wings unfold at my shoulder blades. I shivered. I pushed at the air below me, feeling myself going up slightly. I pushed again, feeling the air being pushed down. My hair rested slowly on my back. I opened my eyes to find myself flying. I grinned.
I looked up at Alex. His arms were crossed and a small smile played at his lips. He was proud of me. I looked down, still smiling.

“Very nice,” Alex’s nearness scared me. My wings stopped flapping and I fell. I pushed at the air around me. The wind was too strong, it pushed back. Hard.

“Alex,” I called. I couldn’t regain control. I needed his help.

Coming. I heard a hard whooshing noise. Then I hit the water.

It knocked the air out of my lungs. My wings felt heavy as the water coated the feathers. I couldn’t get my bearings right. My legs and arms could barely move. They stung from impact with the icy wall. Lungs screaming at me, I tried swimming out of the bubbles that concealed the right way to go.

A hard object hit my head. I swear I saw red. A red thing, in the water.
Then I blacked out.



Alex pulled Raven from the water onto the shore of the island. She was definitely concussed; she must have hit her head. But on what? She couldn’t have hit the bottom, he asked himself, laying her down on the sand. Her black hair covered most of her face; He brushed it away softly revealing a cut above her right eye. But something wasn’t right...

She wasn’t breathing.

Alex pushed at her chest. Here goes nothing, I suppose. He put my mouth to hers. Her blue lips were cold already. Alex emptied his lungs, filling hers. Just as Alex pulled away, Raven coughed up water. Turning her head to the side, Raven rid her lungs of any water. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with gratitude, then her eyelids slipped closed.

Alex pulled off his coat, wrapping it around her. He plucked her limp body from the sand and walked down a thin path in the shrubbery. Her face was cold and pale, very little heat radiated from her skin.
Eventually Alex reached a small clearing to uncover a small wooden cabin. The steps looked a little old, and the grass was wild. The cabin was elevated about thirty centimetres.

Inside was a little dusty but that was about all that was wrong with it. The green wall paint was peeling at the edges. The cupboards were filled with canned foods and long-life milk. Raven was a little drier now except for her long hair, Alex laid her down on the double bed in one of the other rooms. Alex pulled up a chair across from Raven and started reading one of the books on the small bookshelf.


My head hurt. A lot. I sat up to find myself lying in a strange bed, in an unfamiliar room. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, finding a bandage about my eyebrow. The room was a plain cream colour. There were no pictures on the walls, not even any curtains on the small window. The only things in the room were the bed, the bedside table, a small bookshelf and a chair.

Curled up in the chair was Alex. He was sound asleep with a book on his lap. I bunched up the blanket on the bed, got up and wrapped it around Alex. I noticed I was wearing his jacket; it was damp, which he was probably going to be pissed off at me for. Alex stirred. He must be dreaming, I assumed. My legs felt like jelly, they buckled underneath me and I fell to the floor. Alex jolted awake.

“Oh my god,” He dropped down to me. “You okay?” he asked sincerely. That was weird of him. I looked up at him through my hair; I could see the worry in his eyes. This was weird.

“I’m fine,” I sat cross-legged on the floor. Alex leaned back into his chair.

“Well collapsing isn’t ‘fine’" I pulled myself slowly up onto the bed.

“I’m fine,” I repeated. “Seriously, my legs were just a little asleep, okay?” he nodded, yet he didn’t look convinced.

“I’ll go make you some food,” he got up. “There may be some clothes under the bed, but I don’t know if any of them will fit you, sorry,” He walked out of the room, shutting the door after him. I pulling out a suitcase of clothing, lots of it was Alex’s but I did manage to find a pair of women’s jeans, but no shirt. I found an old singlet of Alex’s and a thick jumper, slipping them on. I sat back down on the bed.

A light tap on the door was followed by Alex, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah sure,” He arrived with a cup of hot coffee. It smelt divine right now. I reached for it happily. Alex smiled, handing it to me.

“I was going to make you a bacon and egg sandwich with the frozen bacon I found in the freezer, but I didn’t have any eggs, or bread, or butter, or-”

“Bacon is just fine,” I smiled. I picked at the overcooked meat. I realised after a single bit of food, that I was famished.
Alex laughed, as I wiped the plate clean. “Being asleep for a whole twenty-nine hours does that to you,” He said.

“Wait, did you just say ‘twenty-nine hours’?” I jumped off the bed. Pain shot down my back. I crumpled to the floor.

“You need to stop doing that,” he bent down and helped me up. “Cause it’s getting pretty funny,” He chuckled. I abruptly punched him in the arm, causing an explosion of laughter. I crossed my arms, waiting for him to stop.

“Come on, I want to show you something,” He said when he stopped giggling. He walked out of the room, not bothering to help me. I was shocked. His head appeared in the doorway. “You coming or not?” I got up slowly, I could feel my legs strengthening as I stood there.

I walked out in the kitchen, to find Alex gone. I found him outside, standing beside the door.

“Here,” He plonked a cap on my head. He grabbed my arm, leading me into the dense forest. Memories were etched alongside the stitching in the fabric. They weren’t happy memories, but of some of the darker moments that Alex had seen.

As we walked through the mountain trail, Alex would tell me about the animals and the plants. When we saw things that he thought were cool, we were often detoured to admire the trees and the formations.

After hours of walking, it was almost dark. The sun was resting in the mountains to the west, sending deep red rays through the forest. It exploded with colour. Deep purples appeared in the shadows. The birds sung their last songs before the night came. The animals looked for their children, ushering them home. A smile was plastered on my face. It was mesmerising.

Alex watched my amazement, smiling. He grabbed hold of my wrist pulling me through the forest. More coloured erupted from the forest as we sped past. It was like a dream.

The forest opened up to a small clearing. It was filling with old ruins. White marble foundations scattered around the area. Many weeds had grown around the stones, marring its beauty.

“What is this?” I asked. Alex began climbing up one of the stone pieces.

“They’re ruins from thousands of years ago. I reckon that this is where the original palace was. I find the occasional thing here and there, but nothing too exciting. Unfortunately I haven’t been here in years. I’ve missed it.” He stood at the top of the tallest part of the ruins, looking out in the distance.

I looked around, admiring the historical mystery of this place. A small light glittered in the corner of my eye. I went to investigate.

Half covered in dirt I found a small necklace. On the silver chain was a cross. The carvings were so intricate. On the back read the words, “Ad Infinitum”. I knew it was Latin, but the meaning escaped me.

“What did you find?” Alex asked, looking over my shoulder. “Wow, that’s pretty. Here, I’ll put it on you,” he plucked it out of my hand. I lifted up my knotted hair as he placed the necklace around my neck. I shivered with the thought of the close proximity of his hands to my neck. He pulled away slightly, I let my hair go. He turned me around to face him. “You look gorgeous,” he grabbed my wrist. “Now you need to see this.”

He climbed back up the foundations, I followed. I stood at the top of the ruins, my breath taken away by my view.
I could see the sun setting in the distance, the ocean on fire. I peered behind me finding that the ocean had darkened already. The moon began her weary course across the sky as the sun finished his. The darkened blue around the moon and the fiery red of the sun crashed above us, sending streaks of colour across the sky.
Whispers whirled around me, they were partly visible here. There were thousands of these tiny memories floating through the air. As the sunset hit them, they turned a deep red, complimenting the colours of the sky. I watched them dance around me. My heart was pounding. This place was beautiful, more than beautiful.

“Thank you Alex, for bringing me here. For showing me all this. For everything,” I watched the sun setting. The purples of the sky began creeping over the top of us.

“This place has never been as beautiful as it is now,” Alex spoke so softly, I strained to hear him. “Maybe because I haven’t been here in a long time, or simply because its radiance is coming from you,” I turned, shocked at what he had just said.

“You perplex me,” He continued to look forward. “I never understand you like I can others. You are so... out of order, so... unexpected.”

“Alex?” His gaze moved to his feet. He was embarrassed. Why was he embarrassed?

“When I first met you, I didn’t want to know you. I thought you were going to be like all the others. You didn’t fear me, you faced me head on. At first, that annoyed me. The way you would complain all the time, drove me nuts. You couldn’t understand the way we lived yet I ignored the fact that I never gave you a chance to learn,” He turned toward me.

“But once I got to know you I realised that you were so different to me and the way I worked. You were so fascinating. For days I tried to find information on you, but all I found was your parent’s names.”

“Alex, I don’t get it, what are you talking about?” he held his hand up.

“If I don’t say this now I may never have the guts to say it again,” At that moment I knew what he was about to say. He shut his eyes, breathing deeply. For some reason I felt bad, even sorry for him. Knowing that he felt the way he did made me scared.

“You are the most beautiful girl I have ever met. You’re strong, willing. You make me laugh. You make me do reckless things without thinking. When I’m around you I can’t do anything without being distracted by you, and when you’re not around all I can think about is you,” He looked up at me. “These past few weeks are the best I’ve had in a long time, and that’s simply because of you.” Did I feel the same? My heart was beating a million miles an hour.

“Alex,” I interrupted him.

“Being close to you makes me feel safe and secure. I’ve never felt like that around a girl before, not even any of my family,” he continued to talk, unaware that I had said his name. “I never wanted to fall in love, never, until I met you.” I felt my heart melt. Smiling to myself, I knew. I knew that I could be with him.

“Alex,” I said more forcefully. He looked up at me. “Shut up,” I leaned forward kissing his smiling lips. He kissed back, gently. His arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me in. His kiss turned deep and passionate. Alex’s other hand played in my hair, brushing it softly. I could feel his heart beating. The familiar smells of blood, spearmint and toothpaste filled my nostrils. I wrapped my hands around his shoulders. I could feel the muscles in Alex’s biceps and in his shoulder blades tensing. His heart beat slowed.

I felt so comfortable here, so close to him. The rest of the world was spinning, nothing else mattered. My lungs screamed for air. I pulled away slowly, wishing not for Alex to be offended. I breathed deeply, satisfying my lungs. Alex smiled at me. Even I couldn’t find anything to say. Alex’s hands moved from my hair to my hands. His calloused hands were strangely soft in mine. I could feel the memories etched in his palm. I shut them out. As his fingers moved ever so slightly, tiny sparks jumped from his skin to mine like little electric shocks.

I smiled. He put his arm around my shoulder, and mine instantly went to his waist. Sitting down, we turned back to watch the rest of the sunset. I looked up at Alex, his gaze stayed ahead of him. All he could do was smile.
Last edited by Skippy on Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:09 am, edited 4 times in total.
Music explains life. Music has a purpose. Music speaks the truth. Music never lies. Music means everything to me.
Music is my life.
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:00 am
Calligraphy says...



Skippy wrote:Teach Me To Fly.

“Teach me to fly,” I encouraged. Alex was curled up on one of the lounges reading that small leather bound book. He looked engrossed in this small bookThis information isn't needed because you are just repeating what you said in the last sentence., yet he was gentle and hesitant as though if he held it too tight it may break. On the table beside him was a large cup of steaming coffee, which I could smell throughout the Underworld.
“What?” He asked, not taking his gaze from his book. He grabbed the cup of coffee and took a large sip. How can he drink it that hot? He didn’t spill any of it on his dark blue shirt, even though the cup was almost overflowing.
“Ellie, she told me that you can fly. I want you to teach me,” I demanded "I want you to teach me isn't a command. I was determined for him to teach me the things that unneeded he knew. I needed to find any advantage to survive in this place. And Should be: place, and. If you want to be grammatically correct. what person has never wondered what it was like to fly?
“It’s ten in the morning,” he instinctively rubbed at his eyes, as if he was still sleepy.
I smiled. “So?”
“Why do you want me to teach you to fly anyway?” He asked. His blonde hair glimmered in the morning light Wait so far I know they are in the underworld and he is sitting in a chair drinking coffee so they have to be inside. Why is his hair glimmering in the morning light? as he turned his head to look at me. He looked tired today. Large rings surrounded his murky green eyes.
Where What is the fun in being plain and boring all the time?” I challenged.
His eyes flashed with excitement as he went into his room and grabbed his full length leather coat. Wearing that, a turtleneck and black jeans, he looked quite threatening. But maybe that’s how he wants you to think... But something about him seemed to make me feel at ease. You just kind of contradicted yourself. “Come on then, we haven’t got all day," He drifted by me and – without a pause to press any of the buttons – he walked through the portal.


I am so sorry this is drastically short, but even now my eyes are closing... I ... must... sleep...

A. S.

P.S. I will probably finish tomorrow.
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:06 am
Jenthura says...



Hmm, this is really long. Massive blocks of text scare a reader away or, in some cases, bore them (example above, sorry Calli).
Break this up into two parts, double space the paragraphs or do a serious amount of cutting, because, as it is, hardly anyone will read it.
Another thing, you should have put this in Romance Novels, since it's really just a remake of Twilight, substituting vamps for flying things. Seriously, that's an over-clichéd theme.
Now, before you get angry at me, or cry or whatever, think about it, I'm only being harsh because that's what you need. When you write a first draft, the first edit will be harsh, cutting off the rough corners with a chainsaw. After a while, you can get to sanding the corners and filing away spots, but for now, you need to be harsh.
Things to cut: Unnecessary speech, long descriptive passages, repetitive scenes (like all the times you point out her heart-flutters over this perfect guy) and just plain ol' sappiness.
Things to add: Your characters were not developed in the beginning, were not introduced or flash-backed about later on in the story. They need a past, so write something. If they did have a past in a previous chapter, then this one should have been labeled 2 or something like that. Since it isn't, then I just assumed that this was the first chapter.
Something confusing you did was to use a perspective change, switching from Raven to Alex. This was confusing at first, but the only way to solve it is to stay completely on Raven's side of the perspective, or to dump the first-person view.
Hope I helped!
~Harsh Reviewer.
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Tue Sep 28, 2010 12:00 am
Roal says...



Yay, reviewing time :D

It took me awhile review this since I never knew how I was suppose to review this xD
But let me start this off first, "Chapter 12--wait what?!"
Damn chapter 12 ._. it seems like we got some reading to do.
I really love the way you describe as she's falling down, actually makes me feel like I'm also falling down; but that could just be me falling down the chair.
I felt so confuse at first, like where were they? Are they in the underworld? Which would be epic by the way.
I'm not bothered by the LONG BLOCKS OF TEXT that would someone scare away readers which I don't understand. We're writers & readers so we must read everything lol. My eyes do hurt from reading from the screen though. I can't blame you. My first story is also long ( 10 pages long
I can't nickpicks, so I won't. So overall, it's a very good... plot... I think.

Au Revoir! ~Zoe
14 years have passed
And yet I'm unabled
To find a friend
For my existence is lower
Than a piece of grass.
  





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Fri Oct 01, 2010 8:26 pm
Reuben A says...



Alo I'm here as requested! I probally won't get through everything tonight though, so what ever I don't get to I'll do later! :)

His eyes flashed with excitement as he went into his room and grabbed his full length leather coat. Wearing that, a turtleneck and black jeans, he looked quite threatening. But maybe that’s how he wants you to think... “Come on then, we haven’t got all day,” He drifted by me and – without a pause to press any of the buttons – he walked through the portal
.

His decision comes too quickly. I think you should either give him more time to refuse, or make is refusal in the first place weak.

A shadow loomed over me, like an oversized eagle. I looked up. Alex stepped onto the edge of the cliff, huge black wings surrounding his whole body. They were huge compared to his body and they seemed almost... beautiful. Each wing’s length would have had to have been over two metres.


What happened to his blue shirt?

Alex seemed clearer now that he had these enormous wings.


Clearer? I get what you're trying to say, but I think you should reconsider your choice of words.

A shiver went down my spine. My back muscles tightened and a small ripping noise followed. I felt no pain, just a strange discomfort. Shadows now danced across my shoulders. I knew now that what Alex had said had caused me to release my wings.


Add a bit more description to how it felt, it is a major change to your character that I assume will be present right through the story. Show us rather than tell us. (also, what happened to HER shirt? I assume it just tore at the back, but you should mention it.)

Only then did I realise I didn’t know how to fly.

I was going to die. I was so going to die. I fell a lot quicker than I had expected. Hair whipped around my face, my eyes watered and burned. Air slapped my white face so hard, it felt as though it was ripping it to shreds. Moisture from my eyes ran up my temples and soaked the roots of my hair. Fear pulsed through me.


Describe how it felt more, add more emotion in the beginning.

My wings felt heavy as the water coated the feathers.


You should mention the feathers earlier on, up till now I had an image of these black, leathery wings.

Turning her head to the side, Raven rid her lungs of any water. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with gratitude, then her eyelids slipped closed.


The near death part goes by way too quickly...make it last longer. And everything seems so calm. Alex seems so calm when Raven's life is in danger...add more emotion.


Alex pulled off his coat, wrapping it around her.


is his wings still released? If so, how did he get the coat off?


Eventually Alex reached a small clearing to uncover a small wooden cabin. The steps looked a little old, and the grass was wild. The cabin was elevated about thirty centimetres.


Again, just mention if his and her wings are still released, otherwise it would be a little difficult to get through the door...

Alex pulled up a chair across from Raven and started reading one of the books on the small bookshelf.

My head hurt. A lot. I sat up to find myself lying in a strange bed, in an unfamiliar room. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, finding a bandage about my eyebrow. The room was a plain cream colour. There were no pictures on the walls, not even any curtains on the small window. The only things in the room were the bed, the bedside table, a small bookshelf and a chair.


The first part doesn't completely correlate with the second. Fiest she's reading a book, hen suddenly she finds herself in a strange bed. Wow so far it really seems interesting, and I'll review the rest later though, its almost midnight and I'm using my dad's computer so I really have to get to bed :)
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1477
Reviews: 59
Sat Oct 02, 2010 9:25 pm
Reuben A says...



Hi again! I'm back :twisted: ... wow I just read through my review and I have a real lot of typo's! My word...I should review when I'm awake, NOT half asleep... anyway here I go!

When we saw things that he thought were cool, we were often detoured to admire the trees and the formations.


Formations? I'm assuming their rock formations? If so you should specify. Well actually even if it isn't rock you should specify.

Tha'ts all i could find in the last part. And awwww that was so cute! I really like your story this far, sure it could improve, but its really very good. Looking forward to the rest ;)
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?
  








He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
— Cicero