Young Writers Society

Note: The story idea that I took from the generator was 'Your story is about a doctor in a mental institution looking for coconuts.'

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“I've found it. I really found it. I've finally found it!” His words started off as mutterings, quickly becoming loud and excited shouts. As he dug through the cabinet, one of the nurses walked by, pausing to gape at the man before quickly hurrying off, waving for someone's attention. Items flew across the room as they were tossed out from the cabinet.

“Where are you, coconut? I know I've found you this time,” he said gleefully, ignoring the small group of doctors that cautiously slid into the room, avoiding the thrown objects as they tried to reach the man.

“Come on, we'll get you back to your room and get you some medicine,” one of the doctors suggested. The doctor reached a hand out to touch the patient, who whipped around and started nodding very eagerly.

“That can wait, I've found the coconut! It had me for awhile too...very elusive.” He paused on the last words before turning around and tossing a picture frame aside. The doctor stepped forward once more, grabbing the patient's shoulder and pulling him towards the door.

“We can bring you the... coconut after we take you to your room,” he promised. The patient shrugged, suddenly losing interest as he walked alongside the doctor.

“Fine. The coconut wasn't there anyways. But the rum was. Didn't the pirate say he wanted smuggled rum? From Karamja, right? I bet it was from Karamja.” The man said, nodding once more as he thought back to the Runescape quest he had accepted, sometime before his head injury. “You know, I can find my own way back to my office. I am a doctor here, after all,” the insane man said with a burst of excitement, referring once more to his past.

He faintly heard one of the nurses behind him as she murmured. “I'm sure. We'll come with you anyway.” Following the doctors down the halls, they eventually guided him back to his room, giving him a dose of medication before leaving. Shifting in his bed, he stared at the ceiling.

“I'll find those apples tomorrow.”

Oh Dear! FireNoPants!!!
I get to review you!

waving for someone's attention

Adding the preposition ‘for’ makes this sound a bit cleaner.

One of the doctors, a suggested. As the doctorHe reached a hand out to touch the man

I’m guessting the “a” was just a typo. The second change, scratchin out “the doctor” and replacing it with “he,” is just that, a suggestion so that “doctor” doesn’t seem repetitive.

take you to theyour room

I think it would make more sense if they were taking him specifically to the crazy man’s room rather than just some old room.

He faintly heard one of the nurses behind him as she murmured,

Okay, this bit confuses me a little. You ended with a comma. Did you mean to put something at the end of this? Or did you mean to make ‘she’ a ‘he’ and then the comma a period? *brain hurts*


Overall, this is very quirky and it totally makes me want to run back to the days when I would sit around and play Runescape for hours. Hehe.
Just make sure that all of your characters can easily be distinguished from one another because I did have a little trouble with that.

*snugs FireNoPants!*

Hope I was helpfullish!

~lilymoore

LilyNoPants,

Thank you! ^.^ I'll make the changes soon, and yes, your suggestions are very helpful.

I loved the concept behind this- the generator can be pretty difficult to use, as the prompts can be quite outlandish, but you definitely made this work. I love the ending especially. I think that perhaps you could "show" more description, rather than "tell" it, and pull the reader in more, but otherwise, I think this was great. The last line especially was a nice dose of humor. Great write.

-Coral-

'Ello fire!
Corrections and all of that sort of thing highlighted in red!
The cool, awesome stuff is highlighted in purple!
And my comments are in bold!

Firearris wrote:
--

“I've found it. I really found it. I've finally found it!” His words started off as mutterings, quickly becoming loud and excited shouts. As he dug through the cabinet, one of the nurses walked by, pausing to gape at the man before quickly hurrying off, waving for someone's attention. Items flew across the room as they were tossed out from the cabinet.

“Where are you, coconut? I know I've found you this time,” he said gleefully, ignoring the small group of doctors that cautiously slid into the room, avoiding the objects as they tried to reach the man.

“Come on, we'll get you back to your room and get you some medicine,” one of the doctors, suggested. He reached a hand out to touch the man, the man whipped around and started nodding very eagerly.

“That can wait, I've found the coconut! It had me for awhile too...very elusive.” He paused on the last words before turning around and tossing a picture frame aside. The doctor stepped forward once more, grabbing the patient's shoulder and pulling him towards the door.

“We can bring you the...coconut after we take you to your room,” he promised. The patient shrugged, suddenly losing interest as he walked alongside the doctor.

“Fine. The coconut wasn't there anyways. But the rum was. Didn't the pirate say he wanted smuggled rum? From Karjama, right? I bet it was from Karjama,” the man said, nodding once more as he thought back to the Runescape quest he had accepted, sometime before his head injury. Ahahaa...that bit of dialogue was absolutely wonderful!

“You know, I can find my own way back to my office. I am a doctor here, after all,” the insane man said with a burst of excitement, referring once more to his past. He faintly heard one of the nurses behind him as she murmured.

“I'm sure. We'll come with you anyway.” Following the doctors down the halls, they eventually guided him back to his room, giving him a dose of medication before leaving. Shifting in his bed, he stared at the ceiling as he spoke.

“I'll find those apples tomorrow.”

Okay...so...there wasn't much to correct here. The story was great, made me giggle a little. Okay, so I laughed out loud a few times and got bestranged looks from my family.
So, I feel pretty useless here.

I love that generator...it makes funny suggestions!

Peace out!

Very nice. ^^ Amusing, with just a hint of dark seriosity (I'm writing the review, so I can make up words. ).

"The patient shrugged, suddenly losing interest as he walked alongside the doctor." The suddenly seems a bit unneccesary...

*ponders* Wasn't the Runescape thing from Karamja, not Karjama? XD *Feels like a nerd*. Actually, I haven't played Runescape in years. You could be right.
((EDIT: Google reveals, it WAS Karamja. XD Then again, maybe that mistake just adds to his insanity.))

I liked how he used to be a doctor there before he went insane; that's how I would've written it, too. You did a very nice job showing how he can lose interest in things so easily, and even forget what he was doing (Coconuts change to apples, etc.).

Good work. ^^

Hahaha.

Grammar

Woah buddy! Ok, so Isha covered the punctuations within dialogue mistakes, but I just thought I should link you in case you're confused.

topic44898.html by Demeter

Read through this ok?

Characters

Your main character is amazing! He just lights up the party man. He reminds me of Haymitch from the Hunger Games; an old drunk, crazy man just looking for him place in the world. I think you could describe a bit more of what he looks like. This is how I picture him:

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/i ... ngbumi.jpg

I think it's a good picture though. Maybe it's just because the character is crazy. Anywho, love him.

Plot

Ahaha. I just had to laugh again. This is the funniest thing ever. I think I might go to that generator now. I really like how you strayed from the obvious choice. I would have written about a doctor who was looking for a coconut to treat some patient in a post-apocalyptic society. But this is great. I don't think I can call it realistic, just because I've never seen anything like this, but I can definitely call it believable.

Your biggest issue is the grammar, just work on that, and this story is perfect! I can't find a flaw in the plot.

Keep writing,

Classy.

Thank you, all. I have made the changes.

Dearest Firearris,

I surrender. You have finally beaten me at my own game.

I cannot find anything wrong with this hilarious short story. It was funny, but there was still a slight tinge of bitter-sweetness --- completely flawless. The former doctor's blabbering, the nurses and his former colleagues...you actually have a plot and a real character and a real story in less than a thousand words.

I feel really useless here. You have ruined me, reduced me to ashes and dust.

But remember this, Firearris: you may now have a new follower (me), you may now have another like (*clicks like button*), but I'm always waiting for my revenge.

Until the day I can find a mistake in this wonderful story, I'll be watching you. So be careful, because I'll be back (for more).

Keep writing.

Love,
iceprincess

P.S: You really are a good writer. Keep up the good work!

Firearris wrote:“I've found it. I really found it. I've finally found it!”

Just a general pet peeve of mine is when things start with dialogue. I think there are a lot better, more grabbing things you could have as your first sentence. Actually, the words themselves are interesting enough. I want to know what this "it" is but the dialogue turns me off. So maybe try to rephrase it slightly so you get the same effect but don't start with dialogue if that makes sense.

Firearris wrote: His words started off as mutterings, quickly becoming loud and excited shouts. As he dug through the cabinet, one of the nurses walked by, pausing to gape at the man before quickly hurrying off, waving for someone's attention. Items flew across the room as they were tossed out from the cabinet.

Here you go from the man to the nurse and back to the man. I'd rephrase it so it's man and than nurse. You could leave the first sentence as is, and then combine the second and third into something like "Items flew across the room as he dug through the cabinet. A nurse walked by..."

Firearris wrote:one of the doctors, suggested.

You don't need a comma there.

Firearris wrote: He reached a hand out to touch the man, the man whipped around and started nodding very eagerly.

I'd eliminate the repetition of "the man" here. It might be easier if you give the man a name so you have another thing to call him.

Firearris wrote:“You know, I can find my own way back to my office. I am a doctor here, after all,”

This paragraph can be combined with the previous one because it's the same man talking.

The first thing I noticed when I opened this up was that every paragraph starts with dialogue. Maybe try and break that up a little. I get that it's a short piece but that doesn't mean you can't have some descriptive paragraphs in there too. Who is this man? What does he look like? Why is he here? Where is he? What does the place look like? What do these doctors and nurses look like? Who are they? I mean, you don't have to go overboard here but I think it'd be nice to have a little more description.
Overall, the story is just kind of there for me. I feel nothing for any characters, there isn't a strong conflict or much of a plot. And I get that it's supposed to be a short, fun piece but I think you could do more with it.

-Carly

Hey Firearris! I saw you in chat the other day! Anyways...

This was funny! I was laughing the whole way through! Nice Job!

I noticed only a few grammar errors, but since they were already mentioned, I will not repeat them because that would just be boring.

Instead, I wanted to point out that although using the generator is very difficult because most times the thing doesn't even make any sense, you did very well here. I liked it a lot.

Well, I have to go now, but thanks for cheering up my day! Nice Job with this!

~Ktg

Hey You've had some awesome reviews on this already, but I couldn't help but drop by and leave my comments.

“Where are you, coconut? I know I've found you this time,” he said gleefully, ignoring the small group of doctors that cautiously slid into the room, avoiding the thrown objects as they tried to reach the man.

lol, I really want to know how he escaped his cell.

“Come on, we'll get you back to your room and get you some medicine,” one of the doctors suggested. He reached a hand out to touch the patient, but he whipped around and started nodding very eagerly.

Here it's just a tad confusing discerning who is who. He reached out to touch the patient, and he started to nod. See?

“We can bring you the...[space after periods]coconut after we take you to your room,” he promised. The patient shrugged, suddenly losing interest as he walked alongside the doctor.

I don't quite like how he dropped the idea of searching for the coconut so quickly. I understand that you're trying to show that the man's mind is not stable, but I think he gave up the search too easily. Why didn't he put up a fight?

“Fine. The coconut wasn't there anyways. But the rum was. Didn't the pirate say he wanted smuggled rum? From Karamja, right? I bet it was from Karjama.” The man said, nodding once more as he thought back to the Runescape quest he had accepted, sometime before his head injury.

Crazy people are crazy, but I think the sudden switch from his fascination to pirates and rum is too extreme. I don't know much about mental patients, but I don't believe that if they are so fixated on something that they would give up that fixation immediately.

“You know, I can find my own way back to my office. I am a doctor here, after all,” the insane man said with a burst of excitement, referring once more to his past.

He faintly heard one of the nurses behind him as she murmured, “I'm sure. We'll come with you anyway.”

I rearranged this the way I think it should be

Following the doctors down the halls, they eventually guided him back to his room, giving him a dose of medication before leaving. Shifting in his bed, he stared at the ceilingas he spoke.

“I'll find those apples tomorrow.”

Too crazy Like I said, crazy people are not that crazy.

Anyway, those were my thoughts. I hope they were a little bit helpful

- Jai

I really 'liked' this, it made me laugh. I love the ending. Altogether great piece.
I'm not very good at reviewing, and everyone else has done pretty much everything.
Keep it up !
Born

Hey there!

I really enjoyed this story - it was humorous, and you dealt with an odd topic choice well and in a quirky way.

One thing that did bother me about it was the dialogue. I found the way you wrote it very repetitive; there wasn't much variation in your format and so I was a little bored with it by the end. For example, the majority of your dialogue goes: 'blah blah blah,' he/she said, -verb-. Just to make your story that bit more interesting and varied, try to use different sentence structures.

Also, I'd like it if you added in some more emotions for the doctors. There's a great potential for humour here, and much of it is already filled, but I feel like you could add in some more about how the doctors act towards him. It's a small thing, but could be very funny.

Anyway, good job!

-Amy