Young Writers Society

I remember the last morning
I awoke curled beside you—
a moment encased in the ice of time
when each word, each motion is delicate and sharp.

Your lips unfurled into a smile, teeth fuzzy and unbrushed,
stubble darkening, coarsening your chin.
The rhinestone stud was still embedded in your ear,
the lobe inflamed from its pressure.
Licking your lips, you said the pain felt good.

Your breath was stale, smelling of
cigarettes and the fake-fruit tang of Gatorade.
Your nails were brittle pink shells
and your eyes shards of cobalt,
piercing the kite your touch stirred in me.

I wrapped myself inside you,
crying out words I had been afraid to whisper—
tattoo your name on my skin, for all the world to see.
But at the thought your eyes bulged, torso tightened;
something quivered inside you,
a great metallic feather: fear.

You leaked a litany of lusts into my ear,
used embraces as distractions—but I held fast.
I wanted to howl our love,
unbridle my stomping braying heart—but you demurred.

Your lips somersaulted, your tongue tumbled to explain—
desperate excuses I understood too well to believe.
We separated in a quick painless procedure,
like the amputation of a limb. Necessary.

Where you had been inside me,
a vacuum now throbs.
Because of you I am naked,
scoured of memory, raw and clean.

But you lurk like a wraith in my mind,
the thought terrifying, thrilling me:
you and I are still chained,
bound and bleeding, together.

Heya blackbrid!

I'm here to review as requested! Thanks for requesting again, by the way. It helps me know that my review on your last poem wasn't totally useless. Like I said before, potery isn't really my 'thing', but as always, I'll try my best to give you a decent review.

I don't actually have any nit-picks for you, so I obviously won't mention any. I guess I'll just have to go straight to my overall opinion. To be honest, this review's going to be short and it might be a bit pointless. The reason for that is because I think that this poem is even better than your last one... Well done on getting that in the Featured Works, by the way. What I loved about this poem was the imagery you created, which is actually what I loved in your last one. I especially adore your metaphors, for some reason. They're always so vivid and descriptive. Another thing I love about your imagery is that you create some very good physical description. I could easily imagine what the guy in the poem looked like through you words. Basically, keep up with those descriptions.

The reason I think that this poem is better than your last one is actually because I found it easier to understand. Unlike the first poem, I didn't have to read this one over a number of times to understand it. I could grasp the story behind it pretty easily. Now, it wasn't the easiest poem to understand, but that's actually what I liked. I like poems that make me think. Simple poems get on my nerves because I find them rather bland and boring. Speaking of the story of the poem, I like the one in this one. Like the first poem I reviewed, it's not an obvious idea and you've described it very well. The story of this poem gets supported extremely strongly by you descriptions and imagery as well, making a lot less boring than a lot of poems I read nowadays.

I don't actually have anything else to say now... at all. You need to start writing bad poems or something...

Keep writing!

xoxo Skins

*likes* (again)

Cheers Blackbird! Thanks a lot for requesting, even though the last time I came back online so late that your work was under revision and still is as far as I know. This is a long poem, so I'll use my usual form of review to be as helpful as I can. First I'll start by adding notes to each stanza as I read, giving you my thoughts on your piece as a reader.

blackbird12 wrote:I remember the last morning
I awoke curled beside you—
a moment encased in the ice of time
when each word, each motion is delicate and sharp.
- Oh, an interesting beginning. I imagine a delicate and peaceful moment, at the same time thoughts like 'Won't last forever' come. Interested, I continue on, wondering about what will happen.


Your lips unfurled into a smile, teeth fuzzy and unbrushed,
stubble darkening, coarsening your chin.
The rhinestone stud was still embedded in your ear,
the lobe inflamed from its pressure.
Licking your lips, you said the pain felt good.
- Felt like an in-depth description, I was focusing on imagination when I was caught off guard with 'you said the pain felt good'. A lot of questions rose in my mind, holding my attention. I continue on.


Your breath was stale, smelling of
cigarettes and the fake-fruit tang of Gatorade.
Your nails were brittle pink shells
and your eyes shards of cobalt,
piercing the kite your touch stirred in me.
- Somehow all that came to mind was 'impresive'. Haven't read such description in a while.


I wrapped myself inside you,
crying out words I had been afraid to whisper—
tattoo your name on my skin, for all the world to see.
But at the thought your eyes bulged, torso tightened;
something quivered inside you,
a great metallic feather: fear.
- Felt like a turning point. By the way, never expected somebody to compare fear to a great metallic feather, an interesting idea.


You leaked a litany of lusts into my ear,
used embraces as distractions—but I held fast.
I wanted to howl our love,
unbridle my stomping braying heart—but you demurred.
- I was stopped by the last lane here, unsure of what to really think. English isn't native language for me, so I apologize, I won't get this stanza.



Your lips somersaulted, your tongue tumbled to explain—
desperate excuses I understood too well to believe.
We separated in a quick painless procedure,
like the amputation of a limb. Necessary.
- After the stanza I had trouble with a bit my attention was grabbed again here. Things one could tell so simply are written here like nowhere else. Liked the last lane.


Where you had been inside me,
a vacuum now throbs.
Because of you I am naked,
scoured of memory, raw and clean.
- Sound harsh, but true as well. Nice job here.


But you lurk like a wraith in my mind,
the thought terrifying, thrilling me:
you and I are still chained,
bound and bleeding, together.
- To be honest, for me that was a great ending to the piece. I've read it and now will go over to telling my overall opinion.

Overall
A refreshing read to be honest. Like Skins said, it's not that difficult to understand the plot, neither it's easy, but that's what makes it nice. Additionally the imaginary was entertaining, I haven't read such in a while and I think it's really good. A lot of metaphors, which seem kind of 'personal', creations of your own mind, but that makes it more original and more interesting to read and try to understand. There were some small places where the flow/rhythm of the poem was a bit rocky, but then it all depends on how the reader reads and I won't go saying that it's that necessary to look for here, the poem works great as it is. Ashamed to say as Skins, there's nothing I could really nit-pick as this kind of poems is the one I like and it was a nice time spent reading it, thanks for letting know.

Good luck on your road of writing Blackbird, there's always something for us to improve at =) Looking forward to seeing another piece of work.

Best wishes,
Kyou

Hey Blackbird, Anger here...sorry for the delay my internet is being a -censored word.

blackbird12 wrote:I remember the last morning
I awoke curled beside you—
a moment encased in the ice of time
when each word, each motion is delicate and sharp.
Your opening line is lax, but moving further into the poem, I find myself drawn in. Although I draw no emotion other than one of love -not my favorite emotion-, I'm a bit intrigued by this.

But you lurk like a wraith in my mind,
the thought terrifying, thrilling me:
you and I are still chained,
bound and bleeding, together.

The ending is chilling, perhaps more to my liking. The last line delivers to me a flash of imagery that I feel sums up the entire poem. I like this.

All together this was an interesting read. Your wording, and comparisons to certain colours were vivid, and almost flawless -I say almost lightly. The imagery was beautiful, but I feel as though you could use a lot more alliteration and other poetic devices, even though I don't think you need them. The person speaking in the poem strikes a cord with me, not because I've been in such a relationship, but because it's easy to understand her. I like that in a poem. You use appropriate language, meaning I enjoy the fact that you use words I understand.

I love this poem -to put it lightly.

Anger