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The Forgottens-Episode 1-Part one



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Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:34 am
eldEr says...



Alright, so if you haven't read my very messy Introduction to the series (it was posted a long time ago) you may want to do that. I haven't edited it yet, and it's still full of mistakes, but it'll clear things up for you xD
Anyways, I hope you enjoy this at least slightly! Thank in advance for any reviews/coments/critique you give me!


The Forgottens- Episode 1

I walk through the man who had just opened the door and scramble into the post office. I'm absolutely drenched from head to toe, and I can't stop shivering! I have once told you that the rain is something I love, and it is, but it can get annoying when you don't have the ability to open doors for yourself. Honestly.

The man who had opened the door is smiling, flirting with the woman across the counter. They can't be any younger than forty years old, and I swear that the man is married. Ah well, there's nothing I can do about it.

I shiver and wrap my arms around my body, staring at the water that's pooled on the floor under my feet. Strange how nobody's wondering about the mysterious puddle that's mysteriously forming on the floor. Of course, they would probably blame it on a leaky ceiling and place a bucket on the floor, which means I should probably get out of the way soon.

Sure enough, the woman behind the counter (Her name is Joanne if I'm remembering right.) looks up, right where I'm standing. “Darned roof must be leaking again. Excuse me for a moment please,” she says, an irritated tone edging her voice.

The man nods and Joanne disappears behind an old white door with chipped paint and a handle that looks like it has seen better days.

I wring my hair out as well as I can and fold the bottoms of my jeans up to stop the dripping. The rest of the floor is full of wet footprints and splattered water, so I doubt they'll actually notice a bit more of it on the floor anyways.

I step out of the way just as Joanne re-emerges from the little back room, white ice-cream pail in hand. I watch her stride over and set it down in front of me, and just for fun, I whip my damp arm through her head, snickering to myself when she shivers and makes some strange comment about having a headache. I probably shouldn't be doing that, but it can be so tempting.

“Bailey!”

I jump at the muffled sound of my name and spin around. Standing outside the single window in the post office is Darrius, another Forgotten. He's waving frantically and there's a horrified expression on his face.

I frown. Darrius is usually so calm. His creator made him that way, a laid-back poet from the Medieval ages, who was apparently supposed to defeat a dragon in the end of his book or something along those lines. His creator burned the novel ten chapters in.

I glance around me frantically, trying to find a way to get outside to Darrius. Something's got to be wrong, but what can I do?

The door to the post office opens a crack and I dart over to it, waiting for it to open enough for me to squeeze through. I don't care enough to pay attention to who just opened it, all that matters to me at the moment is figuring out what's wrong with Darrius.

I run around the corner of the building, making Darrius jump. “Don't startle me like that Bailey!” he hisses, voice low.

“Sorry,” I mutter, “what's wrong?”

He glances over his shoulder nervously before grabbing my arm and pulling me close, so that his lips are almost touching my ear. “You remember that dragon from my story?” he asks, voice hardly audible despite how close we are.

“Yeah. Baharo-something-or-other. Why?”

I haven't noticed how much Darrius has been trembling until now, and when he talks, his voice quivers. “He's here. I saw him down by the librarian's house about twenty minutes ago.”

My jaw drops. Just for the record, the dragon is the major villian in Darrius' story. We haven't heard from him since Darrius arrived here, and we hadn't really thought that his villain would actually search him out.

Stupid us.

“Well, you were supposed to defeat him in the end, weren't you?” I ask, the panic in my voice matching his.

He nods slowly, though his terrified expression doesn't change. “With the help of some magical stone according to my creator's planning sheets. But the stone never got written in! The book was burnt before it was even mentioned.”

Well. That just completely screws up everything. I frown, glancing over my shoulder quickly. A low rumble reaches my ears and I shiver. “This is just great. Absolutely wonderful,” I hiss. My eyes are prickling with tears, which I'm ashamed of. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life. Save for when I first came into this world, that was the most terrifying experience of my life.

“Dariussss....”

I flinch at the voice. “It talks?!”

Dariuss nods. “We need to find the other Forgottens in town, they should be able to help,” he murmurs.

“Find them fast.” I quiver at what will happen to them if they're found and killed. You see, the Cherished are impossible to kill. They live forever, fat and happy and loved. Us Forgottens on the other hand, well, we're not so lucky. If we're killed then we don't we don't really die I guess, but we're condemned to some realm beyond this world. Or something like that. Nobody really knows for sure, because if you're sent there, you're stuck. Nobody's come back to tell us what it's like.

I would much rather stay here, thank you very much.

“And we need to get rid of my dragon before he starts messing around with the town's people.” Another point I had nearly forgotten until now.

You can't see us, can't hear us, but since we're very much here, we do have the ability to mess with your heads. Oh yes, this is much, much scarier for you than the fact that we share your precious oxygen supply. (If you remember how terrified you were when I told you that. If you were terrified at all.) Usually, if somebody has a strange urge or something that's normally uncharacteristic for them, you'll have us to thank. Usually the work of our villains.

I take a deep breath and grab Darrius's arm. “I know where we can find Desbora. She'll know what to do,” I whisper. Desbora is an old woman from yet another abandoned fantasy novel. She's stupidly wise, and a very good friend of mine. If anybody can help, it's her.

Darrius nods for about the hundredth time and says nothing.

Wings flap overhead and we both drop to our knees and cover our heads with our hands. My heart is nearly in my throat it's pounding so hard.

Darrius gets up quickly and pulls me to my feet, shoving me forwards. I stumble, but he grabs my arm before I can fall.

“Go!” he shouts, giving me another shove.

I hardly need the encouragement. I dart out from behind the post office, Darrius at my heels. The dragon thing is following, the sound of its apparently-massive wings flapping is chilling me to the bone. Or maybe it's the rain, I can't say for sure.

By the time I'm safely across the street and in between the grocery store and some sad excuse for a gift shop, I'm drenched all over again and absolutely mortified. I fall to my knees, glancing back the way I had come. Dariuss isn't there.

I crawl back to the edge of the building and scan the street. Dariuss is laying on the ground, motionless. There's blood oozing from the top of his head. I gasp and feel fresh tears springing to my eyes. Of course, he can't technically die, but never being able to see him again... I might as well kill myself and be sent to the Unknown Realms myself.

A loud flapping fills the air again and a scaly foot coils itself around Dariuss's body and plucks him from the ground.

I'm on my feet again, tears streaming down my cheeks. I can't lose him! I just can't! He was the first Forgotten I had ever met, he was the one who had helped me get over the rejection and fear I had felt. This is why I find myself shrieking his name, running out into the middle of the street.

The dragon turns his head and flicks his tongue at me before diving. I feel the tip of his giant talon scraping across the top of my head, and the world seems to fade. Dariuss is gone, and for all I know, I am, too.

TO BE CONTINUED...
Last edited by eldEr on Thu Aug 26, 2010 11:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Aug 26, 2010 4:02 am
UnderestimatedSmiles says...



Okay, I, am in LOVE WITH YOUR STORY!!! You HAVE to keep writing! Its... Its... Its amazing!!! I didn't see any errors... probably because I was too deeply involved in the tale. SOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!!!! Keep up the good work, seriously!
Laugh, Smile, Have Some Fun, You Only Live Once!

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Thu Aug 26, 2010 1:45 pm
AngerManagement says...



Hey Ching, Anger here as requested.

I read the introduction to the series bit that you posted at the top of the link, and I was blown away.

So...let's get this show on the road -ahem- yeah, everything I write will be in sub-sections.


The opening might be the only bit of this story that I had a bit of a problem with, it felt a little bit boring. I think that after you have explained that she had scrambled into the post office, you should have just dropped the rest of it. It read like an info-dump, and wasn't really of much use to the story. I really enjoyed the conflict in this, although it took a bit of time to set in. And I had a couple of questions, for example: If the forgottens already have consciousness why is the dragon still following Darrius? There wasn't a lot of description, and I thrive on description. Your grammar was really good, as was your spelling. Your writing style is really fluid, and I finished it wanting more

PM me when you type up more...

Anger :D
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Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:16 pm
craftywriter says...



YOU HAVE TO WRITE MORE!!!! For most of the story I couldn't even tell it was written by a 14 year-old! That means grammer was great, creativeness was suberb, and the charecters were awesome! My one and only suggestion is if Bailey gets knocked out by the dragon could she have a flashback to make us understand her past more? Keep up the great work!!!!
  





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Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:55 pm
eldEr says...



Haha, thanks guys!
The first part isn't my favourite either, Chang, but I have to keep it or I'm sunk. (I had a minimum-words thing. My mom said it was going to go towards a creative writing assignment. -.-)
But I'm really glad you guys enjoyed it!
I am definately going to be writing part two, but first I have to figure out if I want to kill Darrius so early in the series.

And craftywriter, the flashback idea...perfect way to begin part 2!
Thanks again!
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Thu Aug 26, 2010 10:21 pm
funkyreg101 says...



Isha wrote:Alright, so if you haven't read my very messy Introduction to the series (it was posted a long time ago) you may want to do that. I haven't edited it yet, and it's still full of mistakes, but it'll clear things up for you xD
Anyways, I hope you enjoy this at least slightly! Thank in advance for any reviews/coments/critique you give me!


The Forgottens- Episode 1

I walk through the man who had just opened the door and scramble into the post office. I'm absolutely drenched from head to toe, and I can't stop shivering! I have once told you that the rain is something I love, and it is, but it can get annoying when you don't have the ability to open doors for yourself. Honestly.

The man who had opened the door is smiling, flirting with the woman across the counter. They can't be any younger than forty years old, and I swear that the man is married. Ah well, there's nothing I can do about it.

I shiver and wrap my arms around my body, staring at the water that's pooled on the floor under my feet. Strange how nobody's wondering about the mysterious puddle that's mysteriously forming on the floor. Of course, they would probably blame it on a leaky ceiling and place a bucket on the floor, which means I should probably get out of the way soon.

Sure enough, the woman behind the counter (Her name is Joanne if I'm remembering right.) looks up, right where I'm standing. “Darned roof must be leaking again. Excuse me for a moment please,” she says, an irritated tone edging her voice.

The man nods and Joanne disappears behind an old white door with chipped paint and a handle that looks like it has seen better days.

I wring my hair out as well as I can and fold the bottoms of my jeans up to stop the dripping. The rest of the floor is full of wet footprints and splattered water, so I doubt they'll actually notice a bit more of it on the floor anyways.

I step out of the way just as Joanne re-emerges from the little back room, white ice-cream pail in hand. I watch her stride over and set it down in front of me, and just for fun, I whip my damp arm through her head, snickering to myself when she shivers and makes some strange comment about having a headache. I probably shouldn't be doing that, but it can be so tempting.

“Bailey!”

I jump at the muffled sound of my name and spin around. Standing outside the single window in the post office is Darrius, another Forgotten. He's waving frantically and there's a horrified expression on his face.

I frown. Darrius is usually so calm. His creator made him that way, a laid-back poet from the Medieval ages, who was apparently supposed to defeat a dragon in the end of his book or something along those lines. His creator burned the novel ten chapters in.

I glance around me frantically, trying to find a way to get outside to Darrius. Something's got to be wrong, but what can I do?

The door to the post office opens a crack and I dart over to it, waiting for it to open enough for me to squeeze through. I don't care enough to pay attention to who just opened it, all that matters to me at the moment is figuring out what's wrong with Darrius.

I run around the corner of the building, making Darrius jump. “Don't startle me like that Bailey!” he hisses, voice low.

“Sorry,” I mutter, “what's wrong?”

He glances over his shoulder nervously before grabbing my arm and pulling me close, so that his lips are almost touching my ear. “You remember that dragon from my story?” he asks, voice hardly audible despite how close we are.

“Yeah. Baharo-something-or-other. Why?”

I haven't noticed how much Darrius has been trembling until now, and when he talks, his voice quivers. “He's here. I saw him down by the librarian's house about twenty minutes ago.”

My jaw drops. Just for the record, the dragon is the major villian in Darrius' story. We haven't heard from him since Darrius arrived here, and we hadn't really thought that his villain would actually search him out.

Stupid us.

“Well, you were supposed to defeat him in the end, weren't you?” I ask, the panic in my voice matching his.

He nods slowly, though his terrified expression doesn't change. “With the help of some magical stone according to my creator's planning sheets. But the stone never got written in! The book was burnt before it was even mentioned.”

Well. That just completely screws up everything. I frown, glancing over my shoulder quickly. A low rumble reaches my ears and I shiver. “This is just great. Absolutely wonderful,” I hiss. My eyes are prickling with tears, which I'm ashamed of. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life. Save for when I first came into this world, that was the most terrifying experience of my life.

“Dariussss....”

I flinch at the voice. “It talks?!”

Dariuss nods. “We need to find the other Forgottens in town, they should be able to help,” he murmurs.

“Find them fast. They're all Forgottens.” Confusing.... find the other forgottens, there all forgottens?
I quiver at what will happen to them if they're found and killed. You see, the Cherished are impossible to kill. They live forever, fat and happy and loved. Us Forgottens on the other hand, well, we're not so lucky. If we're killed then we don't we don't really die I guess, but we're condemned to some realm beyond this world. Or something like that. Nobody really knows for sure, because if you're sent there, you're stuck. Nobody's come back to tell us what it's like.

I would much rather stay here, thank you very much.

“And we need to get rid of my dragon before he starts messing around with the town's people.” Another point I had nearly forgotten until now.

You can't see us, can't hear us, but since we're very much here, we do have the ability to mess with your heads. Oh yes, this is much, much scarier for you than the fact that we share your precious oxygen supply. (If you remember how terrified you were when I told you that. If you were terrified at all.) Usually, if somebody has a strange urge or something that's normally uncharacteristic for them, you'll have us to thank. Usually the work of our villains.

I take a deep breath and grab Darrius's arm. “I know where we can find Desbora. She'll know what to do,” I whisper. Desbora is an old woman from yet another abandoned fantasy novel. She's stupidly wise, and a very good friend of mine. If anybody can help, it's her.

Darrius nods for about the hundredth time and says nothing.

Wings flap overhead and we both drop to our knees and cover our heads with our hands. My heart is nearly in my throat it's pounding so hard.

Darrius gets up quickly and pulls me to my feet, shoving me forwards. I stumble, but he grabs my arm before I can fall.

“Go!” he shouts, giving me another shove.

I hardly need the encouragement. I dart out from behind the post office, Darrius at my heels. The dragon thing is following, the sound of its apparently-massive wings flapping is chilling me to the bone. Or maybe it's the rain, I can't say for sure.

By the time I'm safely across the street and in between the grocery store and some sad excuse for a gift shop, I'm drenched all over again and absolutely mortified. I fall to my knees, glancing back the way I had come. Dariuss isn't there.

I crawl back to the edge of the building and scan the street. Dariuss is laying on the ground, motionless. There's blood oozing from the top of his head. I gasp and feel fresh tears springing to my eyes. Of course, he can't technically die, but never being able to see him again... I might as well kill myself and be sent to the Unknown Realms myself.

A loud flapping fills the air again and a scaly foot coils itself around Dariuss's body and plucks him from the ground.

I'm on my feet again, tears streaming down my cheeks. I can't lose him! I just can't! He was the first Forgotten I had ever met, he was the one who had helped me get over the rejection and fear I had felt. This is why I find myself shrieking his name, running out into the middle of the street.

The dragon turns his head and flicks his tongue at me before diving. I feel the tip of his giant talon scraping across the top of my head, and the world seems to fade. Dariuss is gone, and for all I know, I am, too.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Sorry bout the whole big post thing, I dont know how to quote just one part :/ Overall, it's a really good story and I can't wait to read more!
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.
  





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Thu Aug 26, 2010 11:24 pm
eldEr says...



e.o
Thanks!! I didn't realize how dumb that sounded until you pointed it out xD
All fixed =)
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Thu Aug 26, 2010 11:44 pm
Snoink says...



Hey Isha!

We don't understand what a Forgotten is until too long. I think you should introduce Bailey bumping into her author or something of the sort. That might be more fun anyway!

The meeting between Darius was rather rushed. Also, don't let the dragon go over there too fast. A little suspense can go a long way. And you need all the suspense you can get. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Fri Aug 27, 2010 11:57 pm
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emoinpink says...



Wow. Just... Wow. Amazing idea, by the way.

I agree with Snoink, build up lots of suspense THEN bring in the dragon. And add more description.

And this annoyed me a little:

Just for the record, the dragon is the major villian in Darrius' story. We haven't heard from him since Darrius arrived here, and we hadn't really thought that his villain would actually search him out.


Don't tell us he's the major villain, just keep in all the other stuff about how scared you were and how worried you were for Darrius. It's pretty easy to work out he's a bad guy.

Apart from that, I loved it! Great idea, brilliant writing style, so... Yeh. Keep up the good work :P
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb
  





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Sat Aug 28, 2010 1:15 am
eldEr says...



Haha, thanks guys xD
The suspense thing hasn't been working with me so well lately, but I will try!

Loff you all =D
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Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:52 am
Futuristic says...



Okay, first of all, just wanted to say that this is an amazing story idea. Am super jealous now because I wish I'd thought of it :). I love what I've read so far, and can't wait to read more.

Also, let me just say, I've read hundreds (if not thousands) of books in my life, and this is one of the more refreshing and full of potential story ideas I've come across. Key word is potential. This seems like it can go very far, and can become an excellent story. You've given it a good start, now all that's left is to continue on, making it better and tweaking it, and I can see this thing being a great novel. Excellently written, I'll leave others to point out any flaws, as I just want to rambled on forever about how good it is.


P.s. You wouldn't believe how long I'd rambled on about how much I liked this part before I did a little editing and slimmed about two-thirds of it off.


But yeah, you can probably go into a bit more detail, and make the scene with the dragon more suspenseful. Kind of went a bit fast from Bailey standing in the post office, to her and Darrius being chased by a dragon, unless you are intentionally making the story fast-paced
There are those that live in the past. Those who focus on the present. I strive to be Futuristic.
  








The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
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