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Blood in the Sunrise-Part I



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Wed Aug 18, 2010 8:46 pm
pudin.junidf says...



Blood in the Sunrise

I watched them come in starless night, with their bright red skirts and orange skirts swaying with the cold wind. They walked slowly, carefully, marching to the beat of the tambourine and the harmony of a Spanish guitar. Their light footsteps where barely heard above the quite humming. I was told they were dangerous, damned, nomads; but from the top right window of the old warehouse in which I lived, they seemed to be the most fascinating creatures I had ever seen.
The gypsies, the vampires. The shiny silver moonlight barely lit the moving bodies as they walked through the silent streets of Aragon, Spain. The place was hostile, every house had its windows shut and the streets turned into a lugubrious place. The gypsies seemed to have dragged with them this dark aura that appeared to have surrounded the whole town. I was just fifteen years old and I newborn vampire, naivety was the word that best described me, but I wondered why such fascinating people were feared, or whey they rejected? All my questions were yet to be answered as I watched them all slowly go by from the top window of the attic of the warehouse.
Their music was slowly fading as they walked away from the street where I lived, but the sound appeared to have penetrated my ears for I still heard it pounding in my head as they went away. I couldn’t go away from the barely noticeable window, the only window, the warehouse had. It was so old that even if I didn’t want to make any sound, even my breath could have sent this place to the ground. So I was very careful not to do something to rushed or tough. The music finally faded away and I was left with my dreadful silence, in which the only sound I could hear was that of my uneven breathing.
My head wandered about for a while, trying to focus in one point of my new life where I had actually enjoyed being a vampire. But there wasn’t any. Ever since I was changed I had lived in the old warehouse, too afraid to go out for I knew that most of the town’s people were aware of our existence and more than anything else were looking forward to the day when they could kill us. But that day something changed in me, a strong feeling began to grow inside of me, pushing me to go out and finally taste the air of freedom from a new perspective.
After much thinking, I came down the attic to the main room of the warehouse, very carefully for I didn’t want the humans to notice my presence in that place. The whole way down was quite uncomfortable; I had to tiptoe so my weight wouldn’t ruin the staircase and my hands barely touched the walls or anything else because I was afraid I could touch something with too much strength and destroy it. The light wasn’t on, and it had never been ever since I got there about five years ago. It wasn’t necessarily needed, but as time went by, I started to miss light, even artificial light. When I reached the main room and walked to the door, I realized how unaccustomed I was to my new being even when it had been a while since I was a vampire. But that night I wanted to try it, to enjoy being a vampire.
So I stood in front of the door, staring at it carefully, and with a shaky hand, turned the ancient doorknob to the right. With a loud creak, the old wooden door opened. So I pushed the door outwards, trying hard not to make one sound even when each centimeter the door moved the sound got stronger but I ended up opening it without one sound. And as soon as I opened the door, the warm smell of a silent night softly hit my nostrils. I felt the wind, echoing in my ears, caressing my skin carefully. It was like a far away fantasy, a fantasy that was finally out of the unreachable and right in my hands. The light of the full moon fell entirely on the cobblestones of the street making a silver path in the middle of it. Nothing had looked like that from inside the attic, even the sounds were different, and they seemed more alive more pounding.
As soon as I gave my first step out of the warehouse, I took a deep breath and started running. The air that now lowed in my system felt so reviving and fresh that all of a sudden it made me feel alive again, if I had never died. So I ran, ran as fast as I could, feeling the wind in my face and my dark brown hair flow carelessly with it. My eyes suddenly caught every color; saw everything more brilliant as if the moon had sprayed silver dust on everything that night. Everything looked different. I wasn’t even thinking anymore, I was just running until I felt it was time to stop. I knew I could run faster, my legs weren’t tired, I felt that I could run fifty more miles and not feel tired but the time to stop came faster than I thought. They were there, in front of me with their brilliant colors and calming music, they gypsies. Did I run that far? I wondered.
I watched them carefully, examining each of their moves and each of their faces. They were fascinating, beautiful, but there was not one heartbeat not a single drop of blood in their bodies. But still, that made no justice for the beauty they owned. The women were dressed with scarlet dresses and red bandanas, their large gold earrings shone in the night. The men were wearing long sleeve shirts in colors such as bright red, white or black and coal black pants. But the most enthralling thing they had was those mysterious eyes, dark eyes that hid such a mesmerizing secret.
“What are you doing here?” I heard someone say all of a sudden, making me shiver and turn to the person who was talking to me. To my surprise it was a young man, with fine features and curly hair. “Oh, nothing, I was just…” But before I finished he threw another question to me.
“You are a vampire” He stated, not even asking me, just analyzing me from head to toe.
“How do you..?” But again, before I could finish, he interrupted me.
“What do you want and why are you here?” His young face was starting to reflect such hate and his voice was getting hoarser as he spoke.
“Nothing I swear” I said, trying hard not to show how nervous and frightened I was of being there.
His dark piercing eyes stared at me with such strength that it was almost weakening. But when I looked closer I noticed two things: first it was the strange red streaks he had in the iris of his eyes, mixing with the dark color; and second, the silver rosary he was wearing on his neck. It shocked me but at the same time, it fascinated me.
“Your name is…” He asked me, his voice strong but not menacing.
“Alicia” I said, almost whispering since my voice was nearly gone from such fright.
“My name is Gabriel Cortez” He told me with such unimaginable pride that it was almost amusing the way he said it. “I have to take you to our leader, so please come with me” Gabriel continued, with a wry smile on his face, but a smile after all.
We made our way through the crowd, but every person that we passed by looked at me as if rejecting the foreigner that I was, a foreigner to their people. But even when I felt that rejection I couldn’t help to feel captivated by them. I could barely see everything around me for I was starting to get dizzy but I saw the weird skin tone that Gabriel had. His skin had been darker than mine for above the pale tint that it had now, the color looked darker but beautiful.
Before I knew it we were entering a black tent with moons and suns painted on the fabric. Inside, three silver chandeliers with three candles each lighted the space. But the most interesting thing was the woman sitting behind a wooden table at the end of the room. She had her hair falling over to the right side of her face, from what I could see due to the light, I supposed her hair was dark red.
“Welcome dear,” the woman said to me, lifting her gaze to me. “Your smell is quite strong. I smelled you ever since you arrived here,” the woman continued. She was a vampire, I could smell it, sense it.
The woman all of a sudden stood up and came to me. She looked different from any other woman I ever saw. She wore scarf around her shoulders and a velvet blouse colored in burgundy with a velvet belt. Her eyes were beautiful but scarlet, a color I had never seen before in someone, not even a vampire.
“I’m Ginebra and I guess you’re Alicia.” She said and I just nodded. “It’s quite late for a young girl to be wandering around the city. You should rest” Ginebra told me, smiling as she said it, “Gabriel, dear, could you take her to a tent and make our guest comfortable”
“Yes, mother” Gabriel answered, making a bow before he headed out of the tent with me. I made the bow too before heading out, looking around, trying to get used to that place. As we were walking to the tent where I was supposed to spend the night, I carefully observed each and every gypsy I could get my eyes on. They all watched me repulsively but I payed no attention to it.
“Ginebra is your mother then?” I asked Gabriel, trying to distract myself from the venomous glares and comments.
“Yes” He answered, not even turning to look at me once.
“How old are you?” I asked him again, trying to get more than one word out of him.
“Eighteen I think, it depends” And it finally came, a look from his dark eyes and an actual smile on his face. “If you want it from the vampire point of view, then I’m about 105 years”
I had to laugh, the way he said it made it seem so easy, so painless; as if having an eternity was nothing. Laughing at our miserable damnation was a good thing to do, it was even soothing. Being a vampire was never something I wanted but when it came I couldn’t refuse until I learned how misery can reach us way before we are even one year.
We reached the tent; it was an indigo colored tent with jingles in the entrance and a big chandelier in the back. There was only one bed, a big bed with a wooden frame and bed sheets as red as Ginebra’s eyes. Gabriel led me inside, taking my hand so I could climb the two stairs that led me to it. His hand though, it was soft but cold; unlike mine because my touch was always cold and stone hard.
“This is where you’ll be staying tonight,” Gabriel said to me as he motioned me to go lay down.
“It’s cozy. Thank you” I replied, smiling back in attempt to withdraw all kind of things my nervousness could have made me do.
“You have to sleep. We’ll be right next to you if you need us.”He added as he made his way out of the tent.
What he said reminded me of what Ginebra said, you have to rest. It made me wonder why they kept repeating that. They were vampires as well as I was, we didn’t need to sleep, we didn’t need to rest, so what was the point of repeating that to me over and over again? But it would have been good if I slept for my body needed to rest from all the stress I had been through in all those years. Stress that had been building up since my family was killed until someone decided to turn me into a vampire. Anyways, I sat on the soft bed that had been prepared for me and slowly reclined until I was completely lying on the bed. Te fabric of the bed sheets was extremely soft and warm; it must have been cotton maybe.
As much as I wanted to sleep I couldn’t, I couldn’t even drift into a little unconsciousness. The voices outside began fading but I could still hear some of the people talking. And for some reason they were talking about me. I should have expected it since I was the foreigner and form what I hear I shouldn’t have been accepted to the tribe, but after all and from the word of the leader, I was accepted more in a form of politeness than anything else.
Very slowly everything faded and there was not one voice outside. Their voices sounded like an angel’s choir though, so well pitched and even the volume was the exact amount, everything was perfect in them. But all of a sudden, I saw someone come inside my tent. As I turned around to see who it was, I saw a woman’s silhouette come in and stand right in front of me. With a movement of her hand a candle or rather two candles, were lit and placed in the chandelier.
“Well hello stranger,” the woman said with a melodious voice.
“I am Sophia, if you were wondering” she continued throwing a little smile at me.
“I’m Alicia” I said, not knowing what to say exactly since I assumed she already knew who I was.
“I know. Wait and let me lit this room a little more.” Sophia started going around the room; placing candles in every place she thought the light was going to look better. And after a while of arranging light, I could see everything more clearly.
“Oh, you’re indeed pretty” Sophia said, smiling widely now. I had to say the same even though it wouldn’t quite fit her description. She was tall with alabaster white skin and coal black hair. Her eyes as Gabriel’s were dark with red streaks mixing with it.
“Thank you,” I whispered, very sure she could hear for she was also a vampire.
“Gabriel said you came today”
“Yes, I did” I answered, unsure of why she was or what she wanted from me.
“I shouldn’t be here, you know? Neither my brother. By the way, he’s waiting for me outside” Sophia said, whispering so slow and soft that I was sure that no human ears could hear. Still, I had not the slightest idea of why she was there or what she wanted so I just kept in silence and let her speak.
“I just wanted to meet you. There’s quite frenzy outside ever since you arrived. But it has been a while since we last received someone new.”
“Why?” I asked, daring to speak for I was afraid to say something wrong.
“We’re vampires, dear and gypsies, not a good combination if we want to make friends,” Sophia answered, an edge of pain in her voice. “I have to go now, I’ll see you tomorrow, remember to wake up early, and we never wait for anyone. And here are your clothes”
With that and a warm smile, she walked out of the tent and I heard a soft manly voice which might have been from Sophia’s brother. When she walked out, I examined the clothes that she left in a small drawer in the corner of the tent. I had to admit that the clothes were quite beautiful, although a little different from what I usually wore. There was a red short sleeved blouse with beautiful embroidery in the edge of the sleeves. There was also a skirt, embroidered as well, but it came with a black leather belt. Underneath all the clothes were a blue scarf, a pair of golden earrings and two gold bracelets more. The smell the clothes had was delicious; it was like the smell of the morning breeze mixed with mint and lavender.
After a while of holding the clothes I went back to the bed and tried to at least clear my mind, but it came something unexpected, I fell asleep. Very slowly I drifted to a peaceful world of darkness where I could hear nothing at all and listen to nothing. All my system calmed and rested more than I ever did in my human life.
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine
  





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Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:48 pm
NYCnightowl007 says...



Hello there! Here I am, to review as requested. :D I don't mind that it's long, but I suppose in the future you should break something like this down into smaller parts to make it easier to read.

Good Things:
-I like the feeling the first couple paragraphs create; I could see the picture clearly in my head. I always like it when the book (or in your case, short story) that I'm reading makes me feel like I'm there.
-As soon as I saw the word vampire, I thought of Twilight, but as I read on, I knew this was no imitation. It's different, and I'm glad you were creative and used you own cool idea. :)

Things You Could Work On:
-Remember to spell check everything before posting.
-You repeat words sometimes, but that can always be fixed. The thesaurus is your friend.
-I got a little confused in the paragraph when she was running and found the other vampires. Was she watching them from a distance and Gabriel saw her? Perhaps you could simplify that part.
-I feel like you mention how she became a vampire and her family dieing too vaguely. The beginning of the story is the most important for introductions, so maybe you could insert a little about her past here.
-I got a little confused, because at first, Ginebra knew that Alicia was a vampire, but Sophia told her that the gypsies were vampires as if Alicia didn't already know. Again, perhaps simplify?

Overall:
I really, really loved this. It's unique and interesting, not to mention mysterious. While some parts are a bit confusing, I think it's a great piece. I see that this is part one, and I'd love for you to PM me when you are ready with part two. :)

Happy writing! :D
"I’m usually that guy who violently kicks off his shoes at the front door because there’s something about fake wooden kitchen linoleum that appears inviting to the feverish socked footsies." - Adam Young/Owl City
  





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Wed Aug 18, 2010 11:23 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, Pudin! Here as requested :)

Okay, so not much nitpicks. Yay!
Description
In the beginning, you did a wonderful job. I could see and picture everything brilliantly. I really liked how you explained a few actions, like the way they walked and all, the music and stuff. Awesome. The similes you used were different and easy to understand, too.
Grammar/punctuation
All was well. I noticed you did use a lot of repetition and I think you should watch out for that. Using the word 'Vampire' so many times in a the span of a few paragraphs is a bit of a turn off. Also, you used 'so' quite a few times too. I think you should vary that word up and in some cases, you don't even need it. There were a few comma errors too. Places where you forgot. Um...let's see...here's one.

“Nothing I swear” I said, trying hard not to show how nervous and frightened I was of being there.

comma after Nothing.

Characters
I like how deep you went with the character. Her thoughts were clear and it was easy to understand where she was coming from and what she wanted and feared. Although, there were times were you over expressed her feeling, do you know what I mean? You build the atmosphere and we know what's going on with her but you still end up explaining more than is needed.
Overall
I really enjoyed reading it. I mean, this is the second Vampire story I had to read today and I think I like yours a little better. I mean, it's obviously different than Twilight and your use of gypsies is quite fascinating. I mean, I haven't read much stories where gypsies are used. Anyway, you did fairly well for it being a short story, just note the things I mentioned above, of course it's your choice of how to write. It's a good start and I wish you luck on the rest of the story!
Cheers,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Sun Aug 22, 2010 12:39 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Pudin. Sorry for being so late.
. :smt026

I watched them come in the starless night, with their bright red skirts and orange skirts swaying with the cold wind.
Since it is the mention of one particular starless night, then there should be 'the'. Apart from it, this was the most perfect beginning you could have come up with.

The place was hostile, every house had its windows shut and the streets turned into a lugubrious place.
I am seriously liking your word choice.

I was just fifteen years old and I was a newborn vampire, naivety was the word that best described me, but I wondered why such fascinating people were feared, or whey they rejected?
What did you mean by 'whey'?

I couldn’t go away from the barely noticeable window, the only window,You don't need this comma the warehouse had.


It was so old that even if I didn’t want to make any sound, even my breath could have sent this place to the ground.
So you have put two 'even' in a sentence. It is not wrong to repeat words, but when they can be avoided they should be, and even if they can't be then you should try to till your head is left of no ideas. Here, in this particular case, I suppose I can help you out.
It could be: It was so old that even if I was successful in making no sound, my breath would have send down this place to the ground.
Otherwise, you can always remove the second even and still it looks perfect.

But that day[night] something changed in me, a strong feeling began to grow inside of me, pushing me to go out and finally taste the air of freedom from a new perspective.
Isn't this all set up in night time?

The whole way down was quite uncomfortable; I had to tiptoe so my weight wouldn’t ruin the staircase and my hands barely touched the walls or anything else because I was afraid I could[would] touch something with too much strength and destroy it


So I pushed the door outwards, trying hard not to make one sound even when each centimeter the door moved the sound got stronger but I ended up opening it without one sound.

You have already said 'one'for sound already and I think for the second time you can do with 'not even a single'. This way there would be much more variation in your sentence formations.

The air that now lowed in my system felt so reviving and fresh that all of a sudden it made me feel alive again, as if I had never died.


But when I looked closer I noticed two things: first it was the strange red streaks he had in the iris of his eyes, mixing with the dark color; and second, the silver rosary he was wearing on his neck.
Loved this line. :) I just love your descriptions.

Their voices sounded like an angel’s choir though, so well pitched and even the volume was the exact amount, everything was perfect in them.
When it's a plural form of a noun and you want to show possession and there's an 's' to show the plural form, then the apostrophe comes 's'.
LIke: Dogs' kennels.
So here it would become angels' choir as the choir is not made up of a single person.

“Yes, I did” I answered, unsure of why[who] she was or what she wanted from me


Still, I had not the slightest idea of why she was there or what she wanted so I just kept in silence and let her speak.
You have already said this thing in the same manner above, so try to say this thing in a different manner.

Wow! This was a beautifully written and constructed piece. I specially liked the descriptions you had in there, and also the words you chose-so unique and mesmerizing. The other thing, which is actually the first thing that I liked about your story was that this wasn't set up in America or somewhere where usually Vampire stories are set up. is fact made the story even more enchanting and the way you described the Gypsies culture was also exotic. Reading this, I could tell that you had researched your topic well, and nothing came as an absurd fact, though there was one.

I am not a very expert into these kind of topics, but would love to be one, but I thought this weird that she hadn't moved or slept, or went out ever since she had become a vampire, like five years is a big time. Maybe I missed out on something or overlooked it, but I would love you to concentrate on this thing, as this can create a whole bunch of confusion in the reader's mind.

As others have already marked this out, I saw a lot of repetition in your sentences. Not the big or grandiloquent words were repeated but minor words like 'ever', or 'one'. I have marked such sentences for you, and in my best capacity tried to tell you how to improve on those things. But however, you might not agree with me on some points, which is human nature(maybe vampires' too), so you can skip those corrections, of course.

Commas. Ah! That was the second weakest point in your whole piece. At first, I thought of correcting all for you but that would be spoon-feeding and you won't be able to learn much this way. So, just Google this topic or refer to your Grammar books, and try to improve this aspect of yours. But, I would like t give you out one example from your story and put the comma with red.
After a while of holding the clothes, I went back to the bed and tried to at least clear my mind, but it came something unexpected, I fell asleep.


One foremost thing before posting your story, as you would be knowing this by now is to proofread your piece as much as you can so the reader/reviewer doesn't have to bother him/herself with small small things which you could have easily taken care of. So, as there were many stupid mistakes, I would advice you to re-read this for yourself before anyone else comes to review.

The imagery was superb, and there wasn't much I would like to pin-point for you so I would shut up now and wait eagerly for the next part(It's coming soon, right).

Post in my WRFF thread when you want more reviews.

*likes*

Brilliant job,
Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:53 pm
Tigersprite says...



Alright, Tiger here to review. I know the order of the day is a Critique Sandwich, but I prefer a Critique Spread. :D So, to the nitpicks first!

.
The gypsies, the vampires. I don't understand that sentence. Are you saying that it is gypsies and vampire the narrator is watching?The shiny silver moonlight barely lit the moving bodies as they walked through the silent streets of Aragon, Spain. If a guitar was being played, how are the streets silent? The place was hostile, every house had its windows shut and the streets turned into a lugubrious place. The gypsies seemed to have dragged with them this dark aura that appeared to have surrounded the whole town. I was just fifteen years old and I a newborn vampire, naivety was the word that best described me, but I think 'and' would serve better here I wondered why such fascinating people were feared, or whey they rejected? or why they were rejected/ ;why were they rejected? I think the semi-colon one works better All my questions were yet to be answered as I watched them all slowly go by from the top window of the attic of the warehouse. There is no need to mention the window in such detail twice. Rather, say something such as: 'My questions were as of yet unanswered as I watched them go slowly by.'

Their music was slowly [b] remove the slowly here. It sounds repetitive again.
fading as they walked away from the street where I lived From my street. We've established that the narrator lives there already , but the sound appeared to have penetrated my ears penetrated my ears doesn't sound quite right. Stuck in my head? Forced itself in my mind? Just use something else. for I still heard it pounding in my head as they went away. I couldn’t go away from the barely noticeable window, the only window, the warehouse had Simply say: I couldn't go away from the window . It was The warehouse was so old that even if I didn’twant to make any sound, even my breath could have sent probably send this place to the ground. So I was very careful not to do something to rushed or tough move fast/ rush my movement. The music finally faded away and I was left with my a dreadful silence, in which the only sound I could hear was that of penetrated only by my uneven breathing.

My head wandered about for a while 'I thought for a while' would serve better, trying to focus in on one point of my new life where I had actually enjoyed being a vampire. But there wasn’t any. Ever since I was changed I had lived in the old warehouse, too afraid to go out for I knew that most of the town’s people were aware of our Our? Suddenly you switch from the narrator talking about themself to talking about either they and another, or vampire in general. Slightly confusing existence and more than anything else were looking forward to the day when they could kill us. But that day Suddenly something changed in me, a strong feeling began to grow inside of me, pushing me to go out and finally taste the air of freedom from a new perspective.

After much thinking, I came down from the attic to the main room of the warehouse, very carefully for I didn’t want the humans to notice my presence in that the place. The whole way journey down was quite uncomfortable; I had to tiptoe so my weight wouldn’t ruin the staircase and my hands barely touched the walls or anything else because I was afraid I could would touch something with too much strength and destroy it. The light wasn’t on; andit had never been ever hadn't been since I got there here aboutfive years ago. It wasn’t necessarily needed, but as time went by I started to miss light, even artificial light. When I reached the main room and walked to the door, I realized how unaccustomed I was to my new being even when it had been a while since I wasreborn a vampire. But that night I wanted to try it, to enjoy being a vampire.

So I stood in front of the door, staring at it carefully, and with a shaky hand, turned the ancient doorknob to the right. With a loud creak, the old wooden door opened slightly. So I pushed the door outwards, trying hard not to make one sound even when each centimeter the door moved the sound got stronger but I ended up opening it without one sound I pushed it open gently in an attempt to keep it from creaking, and though it did make small sounds I managed to open the door with little noise. Standing outside in the open air, the warm smell of a silent night softly hit my nostrils I'm not actually sure what to correct here, but I do know that you cannot smell a silent night. I felt the wind, echoing in my ears, caressing my skin carefully. It was like a far away fantasy, a fantasy that was finally out of the unreachable and right in my hands. The light of the full moon fell entirely on the cobblestones of the street making a silver path in the itsmiddle of it. Nothing had looked like that from inside the attic, even the sounds were different, and they seemed more alive, more pounding.

As soon as I gave took my first step out of the warehouse, I took drew a deep breath and started running. The air that now flowed into my system felt so reviving Is reviving the right word to use here? and fresh that all of a sudden it made me feel alive again, asif I had never died. So I ran, ran as fast as I could, feeling the wind in my face and my dark brown hair flowing carelessly with it. My eyes suddenly caught every color; saw everything more brilliant as if the moon had sprayed silver dust on everything that night. Everything looked different. I wasn’t even thinking anymore, I was just running until I felt it was time to stop. I knew I could run faster, my legs weren’t tired, I felt that I could run fifty more miles and not feel tired but the time to stop came faster than I thought. They were there, in front of me with their brilliant colors and calming music, they gypsies. Did I run that far? I wondered.

I watched them carefully, examining each of their moves and each of their faces. They were fascinating, beautiful, but there was not one heartbeat, not a single drop of blood in their bodies. But still, that made no justice for the beauty they owned. Okay, that whole sentence confuses me. The women were dressed with in scarlet dresses and red bandanas, their large gold earrings shone in the night. The men were wearing long sleeve shirts in colors such as bright red, white or black and coal black pants. But the most enthralling thing they had was those mysterious eyes, dark eyes that hid such a mesmerizing secret.

“What are you doing here?” I heard someone say all of a sudden, making me shiver and turn to the person who was talking to me. To my surprise it was a young man, with fine features and curly hair.

“Oh, nothing, I was just…” New paragraph when someone different speaks. But before I could finishfinished he threw another question to atme.

“You are a vampire.He stated, not even asking me, just analyzing me from head to toe It was a statement, not a question, and he was analysing me from head to toe.

“How do you[b]--
” But again, before I could finish, he interrupted me.

“What do you want and why are you here?” His young face was starting to reflect such much hate and his voice was getting hoarser as he spoke.

“Nothing I swear,” I said, trying hard not to show how nervous and frightened I was of being there.

His dark piercing eyes stared at me with such strength I think 'hatred, 'anger' or 'dislike' would be more appropriate than 'strength' that it was almost weakening. But when I looked closer I noticed two things: first it was the strange red streaks he had in the iris of his eyes his irises, mixing with the dark color; and second, the silver rosary he was wearing on his neck. It shocked me but at the same time, it fascinated me.

“Your name is…” He asked me, his voice strong but not no longer menacing.

“Alicia,” I said, almost whispering since my voice was nearly gone from suchfright.

“My name is Gabriel Cortez,” he told me with such unimaginablepride that it was almost amusing the way he said it. “I have to take you to our leader, so please come with me,” Gabriel hecontinued with a wry smile on his face, but a smile after all still.

We made our way through the crowd, but every person that we passed by looked at me as if rejecting the foreigner that I was, a foreigner to their people. But even when I felt that rejection I couldn’t help to but feel captivated by them. I could barely see everything anything around me for I was starting to get dizzy but I saw the weird skin tone that Gabriel had. His skin had been darker than mine far above the pale tint that it had now instead of the pale [white, I would guess] it was now; the color looked [b]was darker but beautiful.


I'm really sorry, but I'm sort of sleepy now, so I can't finish reviewing this (sorry for the poor excuse). But for what I have reviewed, I've deduced:

a) That you need to remember to go over your work when you get deep into the story because you tend to lose yourself and let your spellings and grammar slack a bit.

b) That you need to be a bit less repetitive. You kept repeating how the narrator was 'standing at the window at the top right of the house.'

c) That you sometimes add things that are quite unnecessary. Example: “Nothing I swear” I said, trying hard not to show how nervous and frightened I was of being there. That last part was unnecessary.

Aside from that though, the story is very interesting! :D It's a sort of twist to the sort of vampire that Twilight has caused to appear everywhere, though you did still throw in the cute boy (I guess some things can't be helped!). Great job, and PM me when part two comes up.

TIGERSPRITE
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Gender: Female
Points: 1360
Reviews: 50
Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:36 pm
Angela says...



The first paragraph about the first sighting of the gypsies was quite powerful. Now, to the questions and suggestions:

Questions:
1. Why does it matter if Gabriel has a rosary around his neck?
2. You mention dark eyes, and then dark eyes with dark red streaks. Do the streaks mean they are different from the others, or is just the clarity of seeing it up close?

I think that you do have a little whisp of something good here, but it's just too Twilight-esque for me. If you are trying to make Twilight-the-Second, just shut it down. Copying is not the way you want to enter any sort of market. Try to isolate the bit you have that is orginal, ad capitalize on that. Good luck!
Colossal Compendium of Complications and Confusion = MY LIFE
  








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