Young Writers Society

Disclaimer: This is an edit of Shipwreck Isle ch.1. I did change it around a bit.


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men-

‘Lizzie,’ My mother said, rather annoyed. ‘ Do me a favor and give Dylan Thomas a rest and get dressed. The guests should be here any minute now. They have a grandson, he’s your age. He just moved here, too. Maybe you could be friends.’ She looked giddy with happiness. It was obvious that she was convinced that guy I’d never met would be my new boyfriend or something.

‘Okay mom.’ I sighed as I put the book away. Dylan Thomas had been my only comfort since we moved to Shipwreck Isle. Everything here was just so different. I mean, I know it was where my parents had grown up but it didn’t feel like home to me. Actually, it’s not like I had the slightest idea what that is. We had been on the move ever since I could remember. It had been exciting to visit new places at first. But then it got annoying. I got sick of always having to leave behind the friends that I made and the place that I had inevitably learned to love.

‘Lizzie! Lizzie!’ My mother snapped her fingers at me. It looks like I had once again zoned out on her.

‘Yes mother? ’ I asked, as I absentmindedly picked up the book again.

‘I thought you could wear that new dress we bought you before we came over from California.’ Right. She was going on about clothes. Always. Clothes and make up. Me and my mother were just so different, and had very different priorities.

‘All right mom, can I have a minute please?’ I said as I picked up the dress she had laid out for me.

‘Sure,’ She sighed as she left my new room. A lot of the stuff was still in boxes, as we hadn’t funnly unpacked, yet my parents had invited people over already. The neighbors that lived across the street with their grandson. I put on my dress and tried to smile in the full length mirror across the room. The effect was absolutely pitiful. My hair was the same brown it had been my whole life, despite my mother trying to get me to dye it. I put it up in a pony tail. My mother would not approve, but it kept the hair out of my eyes.

As the bell rang and I walked down the stairs, all I could think of was ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’ and how beautiful that line was. Dylan Thomas had written it for his dying father. He was trying to tell him to fight death and not just accept it as something that happend naturally to people of old age. As my mother opened the door to greet the guests, I thought that the greatest battle was the one fought against death. And when I saw our neighbor’s grandson, I was not capable of thought for a few long seconds.

A sudden feeling came over me. I knew I had met him somewhere. I knew I had known him. And I knew this wasn’t dejavu. But where? When? And how? I looked into his eyes and as he returned my gaze, his was one of rage and hate. I lowered my eyes in wonder . All of this in the course of just a few seconds.

‘Welcome to our new home!’ My mother said, as she welcomed our guests.

‘Come on in.’ My dad said cheerfully. ‘You have already met our Lizzie.’ He looked over to me. The old couple smiled at me radiantly. The old man’s eyes sparkled with a light that was normally put out as life evolved and humans lost hope. And yet, I could see that in his case, it was still there. And even though he was about seventy, he looked so much younger. With wonder, I realized that the old woman had not lost that light in her eyes, either.

‘This is our grandson, Jake.’ The old woman said. ‘Jake, say hello.’ She said as she turned to her grandson.

Jake ignored his grandmother and said instead: ‘Grandma, I‘m not very hungry. Could I show Elizabeth around, instead?’

My mother was quick to agree before consulting with me: ‘Oh she‘d love to. But come back later, I‘ll save you both some dinner.’

‘ What! Is she insane? Did she not see the way he looked at me a moment ago?’ These were the kind of thoughts that raced through my head as I followed Jake out. His piercing blue eyes had cut deeply into my soul with that not so well hidden rage.

‘So, what‘s on the agenda? ’ I asked, trying to sound cheerful.

‘I don‘t know.’ He said.

‘Well, what can you do here?’ I tried again.

‘Nothing.’ He said.

I glared at him. He was pushing the limits of my short patience.

‘Well, will you show me around?’

‘Nothing to see.’ He said.

I suddenly exploded, ‘ Listen, I don‘t want to see around. There‘s nothing to see. This town we‘re in... Fate, there‘s nothing here. All of the houses look identical, like we‘re in Pleasentview or something and on top of that there‘s like one restaurant. What the heck. But then you take me out to show me around and act like a complete jerk. That‘s it. Why is everyone so weird here?’

‘Is that right, Lizzie? Everyone‘s so weird here. Well, you‘re one to judge.’ He spat out.
‘You‘re a wacko. And you know what, I don‘t even care anymore, I‘m leaving.’ I said, as I turned around.
‘That‘s right Lizzie. You never care about anyone but yourself. Ever. Just go. You‘re good at that.’

I froze. What had he said? Had he, in a way, indicated that he had known me. I turned around slowly. He looked absolutely terrified at what he just said.

‘What did you say?’ I asked, a bit breathlessly.

‘Nothing!’ He cried. In an instant he was by my side, clutching me by the throat. ‘You hear me, you heard nothing!’. He did not loosen his grip. My eyes watered as I struggled against him. I no longer had enough air. I struggled to survive, struggled against death, the way Dylan Thomas had said ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’.

Suddenly, I grabbed his wrist ‘Rage, rage against the dying of the light’. He immediately backed away, clutching it, like I’d burnt it. I stared in surprise but quickly came to my senses. I ran home and did not stop until I had locked the door behind me.

I was out of breath, my dress ripped in one spot, and my face red with tension and sweat. I could not think straight as I raced up the stairs and shut my door. I then locked it. Fear engulfed me as I sat by my bed, hands wrapped around my knees, teeth chattering, my whole body shaking. I couldn’t think right. I couldn’t breathe right. My breathing came in gasps. I was in shock- I could not comprehend what had just happened.

This was really improved! Wow! I like how you cleaned it up, and made it seem more like a book than an exposition on her feelings. Plus, I have to admit I was wondering what was going to happen next (although I already had a good idea since I reviewed the first draft), and that's awesome! There was only one spelling error that I could find in one go-over, so snaps for that as well.

as we hadn’t fully unpacked

I just fixed it in red.
In all, the story grabs my attention, and holds it. I could definitely feel the tension between Jake and Lizzie. Very nice. Can't wait for the next installment! Let me know if you would like me to read and review those as well!

Oh man, this is so much better. I can freely admit now that I didn't even read the first one entirely, it was that bad. But this one, I'll be honest, is really good.

I love your use of 'Do Not Go Gentle'. That's one of my favorite poems.It gave your whole story a feeling of... well, impending doom, I thought. Like something was about to happen. And it did.

I thought that this new boy suddenly attacking her was, to say the least, a little weird. I mean, usually people introduce themselves before they attack each other.... but I get the feeling he's not human, eh? Good cliffhanger.

I like your main character. She has a personality this time. She's sort of given up, I think. She doesn't care about her appearance, doesn't care about a new home. Her constant moving has sort of drained her. But she's still a bit fiesty,and she loves books/poems. You automatically sympathize with and like her. Now, Jake is an interesting character, I'll give you that. But he's a vampire, am I right? Don't fall into the Twilight trap. I don't think you will, but still. Be careful.

Watch your punctuation. You've gotten much, much, a hundred times much better, but you still have a few slips. Make sure you put a ? at the end of questions, and utilize the comma.

Keep writing!

-Dreamy

Thank you, this is soooo much better. I think that you made a few typos here and there but otherwise very good. By the way I'm writing my own fantasy story and I would love some reviews when I have it posted, thanks.

Hey Stells. Thanks for the request again, and I am happy you worked on the chapter one again, unlike others who just start working on other chapters.

The very first dialog you have here by the MC's mother is every long, and looks like a clump. You should smooth down it a bit, and show us the variety of emotions going on her mother's face. Also, according to me, starting off your story with a dialog, and that too giving away so much of information is not advisable and the way to go.

‘Okay mom.’ I sighed as I put the book away.

Whenever you are addressing somebody directly, then you place a comma.
Like: Anna, get down here.
I am not going anywhere, Thomas.

‘Sure,’ she sighed as she left my new room.

He was trying to tell him to fight death and not just accept it as something that happend naturally to people of old age.

This line could have had so many things. Like you could have told the same thing in a more poetic manner, and made it more fun to read. I think I am confusing you here, but I just don't know what to say, but this seems wrong somewhere.

And when I saw our neighbor’s grandson, I was not capable of any thought for a few long seconds.

Had he, in a way, indicated that he had known me?

First of all cheers to you for making such an improvement here with your piece. It really looked very nice, and it now had that suspense built up in a very amazing manner. The words you chose were great, and after all that lecturing of mine, you did try to describe, though you can do more with it.

Descriptions
You can still do a lot of work on your descriptions. First of all, you seriously need to tell us how Jake looks. You tell us that she gets lost in his eyes, and can sense that it's not the first time she has met him, but what else? All this far, I just know that he has blue eyes, which were piercing into her soul. But what else? Though I liked the description you gave of the grandparents, you could have still given more. It was quite good, taking in amount how you described them in the last version. Another thing that I would have liked to know was that how the place looked when she went out with Jake. Don;t give away too much, but just little so the reader has some idea of what they are going to read about, and where it is set.

Reality Check:
The last draft was much more close to reality than this is. Okay, Jake comes, and stares at her and then instantly he says that he wants to take her out to show around. Show us more of him first, or for that matter show us how he greets his parents, and what his grandparents say before they go out. Won't that seem like a normal way of greeting and all? Just make this story a bit realistic, even though I know it's going to get something fantasy in the forthcoming chapters.Other thing that should be looked at is the face that when she comes back from the fight, shouldn't there be her parents or the guests who are there when she enters and ask her questions? It seems like she has entered a deserted house.Also, they chat out. Okay. But then why do they start fighting so quickly? This just didn't make any sense to me. I know they have to fight, but why is Lizzie so frustrated again after being such a mild character in the beginning? That was just a little bit difficult to comprehend. I think I might be wrong, but I wanted to bring this in your notice. That's what I felt.

Honestly to say, this was a lot better, and I really loved the way you have taken up the points and worked on them. That was mind-blowing. The thing you did with Dylan's poem was quite creative and real things like this shape up a story. So good luck with your writing.

Until next time,
Shubhi

I like this chapter better than the original version. It's a lot more interesting, and I like the changes you made. I don't have any problems with this chapter besides what other people mentioned. Can you PM me when you post the next chapter? Thanks

You did a great job with your first chapter. It definitely catches my interest and makes me want to learn more.

Writing Style
I love the poem at the beginning and the tone it sets for the rest of the story. The story's voice seems to fit the main character, so that's a good job with the style. I personally like a lot of description, so I'd prefer if you added more. Things like how the neighbors look, the face expressions of everyone, and maybe even a small description of how empty the living room (or whichever room they were in, I don't think you specified) was.

Plot
This chapter indicates that an exciting plot is in store for the readers. The events are interesting, but I think there's a problem with pacing. The story spends too little time on the main events the readers are looking forward to. What I mean by that is, the chapter spends a lot of time in the beginning with Lizzie's mother telling her how to prepare for the new guests. Yet when the guest arrives, the scene is rushed. Instead, the story should rush through Lizzie's conversation with her mom and slow down when describing the meeting of the families. Same with the conversation between Lizzie and Jake. When you get to the more important, interesting parts, stretch the scene out. When it's not so interesting, make it short.

Character
I like Lizzie. She's turning out to be a strong, intelligent character who still has flaws. The mother, who is concerned with guys and make-up for her daughter, looks like she's the perfect foil for Lizzie. I can see future conflicts already . I don't know much about any of the other characters, except for Jake who seems a little too weird to be believable.

All in all, great job. The story is engaging and it's nice how you ended the chapter with a cliffhanger. If you need me to be clearer or need any help, don't be afraid to PM me.