Young Writers Society

The Silent Scream

Drops of water clattering
against the timber window panes .
Uncertainty blocking
your puzzled downcast eyes.

Not at all dreaming of him;
an imprudent choice resolution.
Future awaits so prim,
you pay no heed to it.

Deeming the blameless creature
like an apple of discord,
who carries your eyes, so azure
in his frail pending life.

Why do you have to do this?

Endeavor to answer things,
to curtail a silent scream from him.
Flout immoral doings,
and utopia awaits.

I beg you with no real shame,
don't let him out yet, this moment.
People might still claim
his valued being here.


But why?

Yet a peculiar hand comes,
and unknits his unwanted body.
You scream for the pain
and inside you, a steel slices
and takes out the lifeless creature.

I really like it yuri! I like the way it sounds when I say it out loud to myself, *yes I read it outloud, earning me a few annoyed looks cause my mom hates it when I read out loud * There's a bit a grammer missing I think, but I'm not quiet sure where, it's 12:30 am here... so I'm not all here. Forgive me for that.

Yet a peculiar hand comes,
and unknit his unwanted body.
You scream for the pain
And inside you, a steel slices
and takes out the lifeless creature.

Love that bit most! Keep writing yuri!

Hey Yuri!

So after reading this over, in my opinion what you really need to work on is not your poetic examples, like most poems I run into, because you've got it down I think. But it's staying on track of the meaning of your poem. What I assume it's about is a girl breaking up with a guy? Or the girl getting dumped by the guy? At this point I can't really tell because it's hidden behind all the fluffy words.

So what I would do is try to clarify what you're trying to say and make it show through just a little more.

Good luck, keep writing!

~Hope

thanks for that, bondgirl.

Heya Yuri

You know the drill!

Drops of water clattering
against the timber window panes.
Uncertainty blocking
your puzzled downcast eyesYou don't need a space here.

Not at all dreaming of him;
an imprudent choice resolution.
Future awaits so prim,
you pay no heed to it.

Deeming the blameless creature,
like an apple of discord
who carries your eyes, so azure
in his frail pending life.

Why do you have to do this?

Endeavor to answer things,
to curtail a silent scream from him.
Flout immoral doings,
and utopia awaits.

I beg you with no real shame,
don't let him out yet, this moment.
People might still claim
his valued being here.

But why?

Yet a peculiar hand comes,
and unknits his unwanted body.
You scream for the pain
and inside you, a steel slices
and takes out the lifeless creature.

Overall

I was pretty impressed with this, Yuri! I really loved some of your descriptions and the way you portrayed emotions with them. I really got the feel of this poem well. Although it clearly wasn't supposed to be a happy poem, I liked the negative emotions in it. I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in abortions and I would never have one myself. That might be why I'm fond of this poem. Unless I've read it wrong, I got the impression that this is a poem about an abortion being a very hard thing to do and about it being a really emotional happening. I got that impression and, if you wanted me to get that impression, then you did that very well. When it comes to your grammar, the only real thing that I noticed was the fact that you often capitalized the beginning of every line. An awful lot of poets seem to think that you have to capitalize every single line. That's not the case though. The grammar in a poem is exactly the same as the grammar in a story. Only capitalize if there is a new sentence, a place, or a name. Besides that though, your grammar was overall really great. When it comes to your spelling, I didn't find one misspelled word and you varied your vocabulary well.

The only real critique I have is what BondGril said. If you hadn't mentioned that this poem was about abortion in the spoiler, I don't think I would have know what it was about. There's nothing that makes it completely clear that this poem is about an abortion and the emotions that come with it. I probably would have maybe thought that this was about an abortion, but I would have also thought that it might have been about a break up or something. I don't want you to literally say this is an abortion anywhere in your poem, but I would like you to make the fact that this poem is about an abortion more obvious. You could maybe even write a stanza about the baby itself. If you do that, it will certainly make it more obvious that you are describing an abortion. All that you really need to do is make the theme of the poem more obvious, I think. You don't have to do all that much to do this, to be honest. I just think that you could add in a few details here and there so that you make it a bit clearer that this poem is in fact about abortions.

Except for that, I don't really have anything else to say... All that you really need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have, and will, say. Edit this poem up a bit and I certainly think that you could end up with a really, lovely, emotional piece of writing here. Sorry I haven't been all that much help!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I wasn't feeling this poem very much, it seemed to be lacking some type of emotion I was looking for. Other than horror or someone being scared. It seemed like this was just a poem you did in your spare time, but it might not have been. :/ This poem is good but I couldn't see a clear picture of horror through your eyes to mind. The reader (in this case myself) needs to be able to relate to the poem. I give you a 6/10 for this. It could have been better but it was bad. Keep writing!

Cheers Yuri! First time I'm giving you a review instead of you reviewing mine stuff heh. Soz, let's get to it. I review poems by first giving my opinion on each stanza and then going for overall.

[quote="Yuriiko"]
The Silent Scream
- A double 'meaning' negative, I found this interesting for the start. In addition it reminded me of my favorite 'Silence roars'. Interested, I continue.

Drops of water clattering
against the timber window panes.
Uncertainty blocking
your puzzled downcast eyes.
- When I finished reading this stanza, I ended up saying 'Doesn't rhyme, the rhythm is broken'. The last 2 lines just do not match with the first two. With the rhythm broken, it's tougher to swallow it in one way, I had to reread it, this time actually focusing my mind on the picture instead of how the poem flows and imagine stuff with the rhythm of words. The rhythm aside, the imagination wasn't half bad. With mixed feelings I continue.


Not at all dreaming of him;
an imprudent choice resolution.
Future awaits so prim,
you pay no heed to it.
- Actually, the rhythm here was not that broken as in the stanza above. Just the very last line stands out. Somewhat well known imagination, but the words used sounded good, with more interest than from 2nd stanza I continue.


Deeming the blameless creature
like an apple of discord,
who carries your eyes, so azure
in his frail pending life.
- Made me stop and wonder about the words here and the meaning. Took me some thinking to understand it I guess. By now I've noticed you go by A,B,A,C formation, though the rhythm just doesn't flow at all.


Why do you have to do this?
- Uhuh, a question line. A lot of things came up in my mind, with renewed interest I continue.

Endeavor to answer things,
to curtail a silent scream from him.
Flout immoral doings,
and utopia awaits.
- I won't mention the rhythm and stuff about it anymore. I'd be repeating it too much for one to read ^^. Don't take it too personally, but I'm a person that stands for the opinion that a good rhythm gives a good flow and makes the poem easier to read and cope with its meanings. So far a good imaginary, but I think the poem is a bit too tough to understand on 1st-2nd read.

I beg you with no real shame,
don't let him out yet, this moment.
People might still claim
his valued being here.
- To be honest, I've started to focus only on the words and pictures, I'm somewhat losing my enthusiasm to read on, but I continue to find out the whole package, just like if I was reading a short story, not a poem.


But why?

Yet a peculiar hand comes,
and unknits his unwanted body.
You scream for the pain
and inside you, a steel slices
and takes out the lifeless creature.
- I didn't understand this at all, but the pictures weren't half bad.

Overall
Oh well, forgive me for being harsh, but the only good things I can say about this poem is the effort, the fact you tried and the imaginary. Can't say bad things about all that, but otherwise, it just didn't feel like a real poem to me at all. It might be my strict classical poems teaching, but without a flow and rhythm, it's just hard to swallow the stanzas... The plot of the poem was kind of not easy to understand either, I think that many would get bored reading this after knowing many great poems there are, but hey, we all start 'naked' and get our 'clothes' (experience, improvement) with time. You can write great poems and put your soul in it, your life experiences, just all you need is to keep trying and struggle to improve. Practice leads to greatness, no? ^^ Best of luck to you Yuri, don't get discouraged and keep it coming! I'm looking forward to seeing that flower of yours bloom and give us a gorgeous read =)

~ Kyou