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Let Me Love You(18)



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Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:26 pm
Rascalover says...



Chapter 18

The scent of ammonia from the streak clean hospital filled Isabella’s lungs as she took a sharp breath in, her hand fumbling to find Gary’s. Sweat was gathering along her forehead, the beads lining up like soldier men and marching down her face. The muscles in her back ached from hours of contracting and releasing. Contractions were coming at rapid speeds like little pellet bullets. They were longer, lasting a good three minutes before starting to decline in pressure. Isabella was ready to cry by the end of the contraction, defeated and exhausted.

She didn’t have to wait that much longer for the tall chunky anesthesiologist to come in. She gritted her teeth, closing her eyes and slowly opening them again. I know this is going to hurt. I just know it. Can’t they give the shot to Gary, and the effects to me? Hopefully it won’t hurt as much as these contractions… She drew in a deep breath, and slowly let it out before allowing Gary to help her sit on the edge of the bed.

“Mr. Vernon, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room while I administer the epidural. You can come back in when the procedure is over,” Doctor Tracey said, preparing the needle and catheter.

Isabella’s eyes grew wide, and her hand curled tighter around Gary’s.

“Honey, I’ll be right outside the door. It won’t be too long before I’m back, I promise.” He kissed her forehead and let go of her hand. I have to get out of here. Her eyes, so scared, so sad… they kill me. He left the room before she could utter a single word.

“Ms. Hill, I’m going to insert this needle into your back close to your spinal cord. Once that is done I’ll drip medicine into that spot with the catheter that is hooked into the needle to make sure that I have the correct spot. Any questions?” He cleansed her back with a disinfectant, awaiting her reply.

She silently nodded her head, and then he said, “Once we know it is the correct spot the medicine will be set for a continuous drip, and it will be taped to your back so it won’t come out while you lay down. As soon as you come out of recovery, and back into your own room the epidural will be taken out.”

Isabella gripped the wrist of the nurse aide as Doctor Tracey found the spot, and slipped the slender needle into her back. She mutter a grunt of discomfort as the test began. When she replied that she could no longer feel any pain the doctor set the medicine and tapped the catheter to her back, letting Gary back into the room.

Gary helped her lay back down. Her body relaxed, and the wrinkles on her face disappeared. Soon this will all be over. I’ll have my babies in my arms. I’ll have my babies in my arms. I’ll have my babies… in… my… arms. They’ll be safe and protec… Isabella‘s eyes grew heavy, and a yawn was forming at the base of her throat; Gary chuckled. .

“I see the epidural has started to work?” Gary was glad she held no more pain; for a while there he had felt helpless.

“Humm, yes it has.” Isabella smiled.

***

A gush of blood and the cry of a disoriented child brought tears to Isabella’s eyes. Jonathan Scott Vernon weighed in at 5 pounds and 11 ounces. His white hair covered his head, and his dark blue eyes shone like the night‘s sky. He wailed and wailed until a nurse wrapped him in a soft blanket.

With another gush of blood mixed with amniotic fluid, Jessica Faith Vernon came into the world. The doctors rushed her to her station and continuously cleaned out her mouth and nostrils, but she refused to cry. She whimpered and fussed, but nothing loud enough for her scared parents to hear.

Isabella couldn’t stop the tears if she wanted to. “Is she ok?” Isabella choked out the words, fearing the worst.

Gary wiped a tear or two away, and smiled ruthlessly, “She’s perfect.”

Isabella let out the breath she had been holding in with a quick motion and asked, “Can I hold them?”

She looked around for an answer, but the nurses were already getting them geared up and whisked away to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. Where are they taking my babies? Would Gary lie to me? Is there something wrong? Isabella shed tears of pain and frustration as the doctors finished getting the placenta out and started sewing her up.

Away in her room, Isabella fell asleep fitfully. She had wanted to see her babies first, but exhaustion won over her stubbornness. Gary gingerly pushed the hair away from her face and kissed her. I’m a dad. I have two children. They were so small. I wonder if I can sneak away to go see them before Belle wakes up? He glanced down at his sleeping wife. She had went through sixteen hours of hard labor and then a caesarean section; he was sure she would sleep for all of eternity.

His steps were slow and cautious as he crossed the room and into the hallway. His mind raced with what had just happened, the birth of his children, how amazing. It had never hit him like it did just then, when he saw those two helpless babies coming into the world. For the last eight or so months Isabella held them close, all to herself. Sure, he could feel them kick at times, but it was nothing compared to the experience Isabella had. Now, they were his to hold as well. He could kiss them and hug them, holding them tenderly, softly.

He rounded the corner, and started to have butterflies in his stomach. What if they have tubes running out of them, needles going every which way? What if they’re in an incubator sobbing, and I can’t hold them? He blinked to get the images out of his head. What if they found something wrong with Jessica? What if Jonathan can’t breath on his own? I can’t think like this. Gary think positive thoughts, think happy thoughts.

He stood at the nurse’s station cotton mouthed and wobbly. A nurse had to ask, “Um, sir, can I help you?”

“Oh, yes. Can I go see my children?”

“What are the names?”

“Jonathan and Jessica Vernon.”

“Oh… The doctors aren’t done with them, but when they are a nurse will come up to your room to accompany you with your wife down to see them.” She must of sense his disappointment, “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. Thank you.” He slumped his shoulders and slowly made his way back to Isabella’s room, where she was still sleeping like a rock. Gary smiled, and sat down next to her bed.

Pulling out his cell phone he decided he should call the people they loved to tell them that Jessica and Jonathan were here. He called his mom first, then Destiny and Joe don, and then Jay. Isabella started to stir. “Hum, Gary,” She muttered, looking over at him.

He leaned in close holding her hand, “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“When can I see them?” She asked trying to sit up on the couple of pillows she had, but failed miserably. She felt as though she had been run over by a monster truck, and then someone had pulled her intestines out through her bellybutton, scraping against the walls of her abdomen.

“When the nurse comes in, and says you are well enough to see them. Honey, you are exhausted, and you probably feel sore. Get some rest,” Gary said as she laid her head back upon the pillows and closed her eyes.

I’m not going to argue with him. I am exhausted, but I want to see my ba…

Gary leaned down and kissed her forehead, “You’re amazing.”
Last edited by Rascalover on Sat Aug 14, 2010 3:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:38 am
MiaParamore says...



Hey Tiffany. So, finally you have come up with another chapter, and it is good to see that at least someone here is contiuning with their novel and not leaving it half through. :)

Contractions were coming at rapid speeds like little pellet bullets.
I liked this imagery!

Sweat was gathering along her forehead, and the muscles in her back ached from hours of contracting and releasing.
Here you should have explained more about how the sweat was forming. I mean you could have been more precise about it, or put the same thing in a better fashion. How about 'the beads of sweat embedded my body'?

Isabella gripped the wrist of the nurse aside as Doctor Tracey found the spot, and slipped the slender needle into her back.
Did you mean aside?

His white hair covered his head and then some.
What did you mean by 'and then some'. I believe there is something missing on here.

He stood at the nurse’s station dry mouthed and wobbly.
This sentence again confused me.

She felt as throughThe word is 'though' she had been ran over by a monster truck, and then someone had pulled her large and small intestines through her bellybutton scraping against the walls of her abdomen.


Honestly to say, this chapter looked rushed to me and it seemed that you were in a haste to get it down. This clearly showed with the number of typos, small grammar mistakes and weird sentences, which if you read, would be able to fix.

Secondly there is this one very important thing I would like to tell you. When we are reffering to a person directly and put their name in a sentence then we use a comma. For example:
'I am not going, mom."She said sourly and threw the pen.
'Samantha, you are not looking good.'I said to her, which obviously infuriated her anger
.

I hope you get this. So similarly, you fix errors like these in your chapter, where Gary is calling Belle 'honey', and other people referring each other. I think this would make this clear.

Also, there were couple of weird things. After going through such a serious operation, Isabelle is put on sedatives. That's fine, but why does she wake up when Gary comes? Shouldn't she be under the effects of sedatives still?

Overall, this chapter was nothing like your previous chapters and it sort of gave me an uncleaned feel. On the positive side, this was nice as you described Gary's emotions like somewhat for the first time on being a parent, and it was quite good. Other thing that has quite impressed me is the description of the labour pains you have put in, which makes me think this coming from someone who has gone through this all. LOL.

You've got to read it again, and maybe re-write this whole chapter. I am curious to know if Jessica is going to survive and how the ending is going to be.

Good Luck Writing,
Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Fri Aug 06, 2010 3:48 am
Rascalover says...



Thank you for such an awesome review, and about the nurse aide, I meant aide like an assistant.

:)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:25 pm
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



Hey, rasca, here I am for my reviewing revival. Like I told you, it's been so .long since I've done one of these.

The scent of ammonia from the streak clean hospital filled Isabella’s lungs as she took a sharp breath in, her hand fumbling to find Gary’s. Contractions were coming at rapid speeds like little pellet bullets.


That first sentence is rather chunky and somewhat difficult to read. Something simple like: "Isabella wrinkled her nose as ammonia seeped into her nostrils, her hand fumbling to find Gary's." But as I've said many times, you're the author, so it's your call. And the second sentence. You pretty much describe the same thing twice there. As readers, we already know that the contractions are happening rapidly. No need to say it multiple times, in addition, the sentence is awkwardly worded. It would sound better in words that are easier to digest.

Take for example; "Contractions shot through her, making her moan." Hehe, yeah, you can toy with it in many ways.

She didn’t have to wait that much longer for the tall chunky anesthesiologist to come in. I know this is going to hurt. I just know it. Can’t they give the shot to Gary, and the effects to me? Hopefully it won’t hurt as much as these contractions… She drew in a deep breath, and slowly let it out before allowing Gary to help her sit on the edge of the bed.


Okay, so that piece of thoughts did indeed make me cringe. Nice job. But I think you elaborate a bit with the protagonist by adding just a bit of her actions. For example, maybe you could have her grit her teeth, bite her lips, squeeze her eyes shut, (whatever suits her personality) to show how scared she is of experiencing what is considered pain beyond pain.

“Mr. Vernon, I am going to have to ask you to leave the room while I administer the epidural. You can come back in when the procedure is over.” Doctor Tracey said, preparing the needle and catheter.


That "I am" would sound so much clearer and realistic as "I'm" if you notice when people talk, they use a lot of contractions. Hehe, no pun intended. In reference to this part of the story being about child birth-all those contractions. By the way, that period that I bolded is supposed to be a comma.

Isabella’s eyes grew wide, and her hand drew tighter around Gary’s. “Honey, I’ll be right outside the door. It won’t be too long before I’m back, I promise.” He kissed her forehead and let go of her hand. I have to get out of here. Her eyes, so scared, so sad… they kill me. He left the room before she could utter a single word.


The word "coiled" is better because "drew" implies that she is reaching for his hand? By the way, please separate the actions of the different characters, otherwise you'll confuse the reader. And don't forget those commas. The direct address rule (the comma I added in blue). Remember it as it's vital for dialogue. Here: I'll show you how you can separate the character's actions:

Isabella’s eyes grew wide, and her hand drew tighter around Gary’s.
“Honey I’ll be right outside the door. It won’t be too long before I’m back, I promise.” He kissed her forehead and let go of her hand. I have to get out of here. Her eyes, so scared, so sad… they kill me. He left the room before she could utter a single word.


“Ms. Hill I am going to insert this needle into your back close to your spinal cord. Once that is done I will drip medicine into that spot with the catheter that is hooked into the needle to make sure that I have the correct spot. Any questions so far?” He cleansed her back with a disinfectant, awaiting her reply.


That piece of dialogue is a bit unrealistic. It would help a bit if you used more contractions (Not physical, but verbal.) And it would be good if you omited the "so far" after "Any questions" leaving it as "Any questions?"

“When can I see them?” She asked trying to sit up on the couple of pillows she had, but failed miserably. She felt as through she had been ran over by a monster truck, and then someone had pulled her large and small intestines through her bellybutton scraping against the walls of her abdomen.


Corrected version: In bold is what I added and in blue are things that are out of place and are... a bit redundant. Oh yeah, I guess i just struck out most of them.

“When can I see them?” She asked, trying to sit up on the couple of pillows she had, but failed miserably. She felt as through though she had been ran run over by a monster truck, and then someone had pulled her large and small intestines through her bellybutton scraping against the walls of her abdomen.


Okay, the over view part is done. Now I just have a few questions to ask. Why oh why did Isabelle have to get pregnant? That's happened so many times, endlessly in so many works. Tiffany! You are the writer, you have so many opportunities to be original. Don't be afraid of your imagination. Experiment, think beyond the thoughts of the established.

I'll stop myself there. Phew- I don't remember reviewing being this exhausting. I've lost so much experience.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





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Sat Aug 14, 2010 12:10 am
RacheDrache says...



Well, romance is not my genre, not at all. So, I'm going to steer away from anything plot related before I sound like an idiot. Also, I haven't read the other 17 chapters, so I don't know what's going on, really.

Your other reviewers said most of what I wanted to say, and so I really only have one comment for you.

The POVs in this were right on top of each other. One moment, we were in Gary's head. Another, Isabelle's. I glanced at the first chapter, and the same happened there. It doesn't really seem like this is written in omniscient, either... but, to cut to the point, the rapidly overlapping perspectives are hard to keep track of.

Maybe you could stay in one character's head for one part of the chapter, and then switch? For instance, let Isabelle narrate the first half and Gary the second? That way, we'll get both of their perspectives and insights, but we'll know who's thinking what and when.

Sorry I can't be of more help. Me = fish out of water with romance. Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach
  





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Sat Aug 14, 2010 3:15 am
Rascalover says...



Thank you for the great reviews :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:13 pm
bluewaterlily says...



Hey, Rascallover. I'm here to review your story.

She mutter a grunt of discomfort as the test began. Muttered should be muttered.


His white hair covered his head, and his dark blue eyes shone like the night‘s sky.
I think night's makes the last part of the sentence sound awkward. You could just say night sky; it would sound more natural.

He wailed and wailed until a nurse wrapped him in a soft blanket.
Those two words are
unnecessary. I think the sentence would sound better without them.

“Is she ok?” Isabella choked out the words, fearing the worst.
The word ok should be spelled out (okay).

Gary wiped a tear or two away, and smiled ruthlessly, “She’s perfect.”
I don't think that's the right word. To me it just doesn't suit Gary's personality.

Overall: I really liked this. Your descriptions were good, and the emotions were strong. The only thing I have to say is sometimes you can use too much or unnecessary words, and it can make the sentence repetitive or a run on. But other than that the story flowed nicely. Keep writing~bluewaterlily.
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden
  





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Sun Oct 10, 2010 6:55 pm
Rascalover says...



Thanks :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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