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Shades of Violet(6)[king]



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Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:27 pm
Valentine says...



Well, hey everybody, it's Val. This chapter has been long in the coming. Sorry for kind of ditching you guys for a while. Well, here it is, the sixth chapter. So, if you haven't read any of this story yet, check out the rest of the novel. It should clear a lot up...From now on, it is going to become less confusing! Yay! So, read and tell me what you think!

~Shades of Violet~


[6] [King] [Monday]

Violet Steele. Her name echoed in my head, bouncing off the walls of my skull. Derek let out a heavy sigh of frustration towards her answer. She was scared of something, that was for sure. Light perspiration trickled down her temples. The temperature must have been below zero.

“You can’t tell us anything?” I asked. Violet’s eyes flickered over to the doorway of the cafeteria. I followed her gaze and saw three men is dark suits making their way towards us. I heard her suck in a huge amount of air, and at the same moment, her eyes shifted crimson.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered and peered over my shoulder to see the man walking toward us again. All three of them bore shaven heads that glistened softly and wore black earpieces in their left ears. Other than a slight change of size, they looked almost identical. I turned back to Violet. Her face was contorted in frustration. Then in wispy fragments, she said something.

“We need to leave- now.”

I felt Derek’s eyes bearing into my neck. For some reason I knew that what happened next would impact us all. I didn’t know whether I should turn my back on Violet, and just walk away. It was so tempting, to just walk away and move on. But I had been given a taste of the fruit, and I wanted more. I knew all too clearly that even if I did walk away, it would haunt me forever. This was my chance. So, as Violet turned and walked toward the far door of the cafeteria, away from the men in black, I followed her.

Derek followed suit, no doubt reading my very thoughts. I heard a shout from somewhere behind me, but kept moving. I swear I saw faint tendrils of smoke coming from Violet’s hands, but when I blinked, they were gone. I had to break into jog to catch up to her before the door slapped shut, leaving us in darkness. I could hear Derek’s heavy breaths behind me.

I lost count of how many turns we took. We just kept going.

“Where are you taking us?” Derek called, his voice reverberating of the walls. Violet faltered briefly, but then returned to her normal pace. No answer.

Minutes later, something broke the monotonous of the darkness. It was a small panel of light; it was slowly growing larger as we ran, until it actually hurt my eyes. Violet’s form was blurring in front of me as we continued. Thirty steps later, she was just a silhouette. Something strange happened next. The light started enveloping me. It was like running into a wall of water, except the water was light. It was warm on my skin, and sent a pleasant sensation running of my spine. And then, it was all gone. I was standing alone, in the middle of a field.

▪▫▪

My head swiveled around frantically. What the…. What had just happened. One second I was running down a hallway, the next moment I am standing in a field. My eyes widened as I took in my surroundings.
Above me, was the bluest sky I had ever seen. It looked like it had been drawn in with crayon. Little puffy clouds floated casually along its surface, bumping into each other and combining. On both side of me, continuing in all directions was an endless of field of green grass. It reached to my ankles and leaned in a gentle breeze. The sun was at it’s highest peak and glowed white. I felt like laughing out loud. Was I dead? This place was perfect. I pinched myself. A slight sting answered my jest. Oh my gosh, this was real. But how?

And then a noise reached my ears. It sounded like…hoof beats, and they were coming closer. I didn’t feel scared at all. The very sound of the horse sent excitement flaring through my brain. It was like my body new what was going to happen next.

I gazed toward a hill on my left, which seemed like the direction of the noise. It was hard to tell. This place was so open. My eyes squinted as the sun sent it light into my eyes. My hands flexed impatiently. And then a figure rose on the peak of the hill. At first I couldn’t tell what it was: the light was so bright. Then, it started thundering the hill. It was the most magnificent thing I have ever seen. The horse was a pure white, and it’s muscles bulged underneath its rich coat. The figure on top was literally glowing. I tried to see it clearer, but my eyes were forced shut, and then I felt my knees hit the ground.

I remained with my head pressed to the grass as I heard the horse canter to a stop in front of me. Then I heard a voice.

“Rise,” it said. The voice was powerful, and clear. It also was filled with…excitement. It sounded weird, but whoever this voice belonged to was actually in anticipation to see me.

I rose to my feet slowly, first keeping my head directed to the ground, and then raising it to the voice. Then glared briefly, and then I saw him. The man was standing in front of me, his hands gently stroking the mane of his horse. The man’s face was kind, and long brown hair sat on his shoulders. His eyes were full with life, sparkling like stars. I was speechless. Who was this man?

A smile spread across his face.

“You don’t know how long I have waited for this moment,” he stated.
Confusion creased my forehead. I felt like I new this man, but it seemed like a faint memory, even a dream.

“Who are you?” I asked. A bubbly laughter erupted from his mouth.

“You will know soon enough. For now I just wanted to see your face.”
As soon as he answered, the light from the sun seemed to grow less, casting the whole field in a light shadow. The man’s face darkened. “It seems that our time here is up.”

I glanced around. “What do you mean?”
He didn’t answer until he had climbed up onto his horse.

“Your world needs you Peter.” I was about to protest when the light completely faded, and I was back in complete darkness.

▪▫▪

“Move Peter,” a voice complained. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to find my bearings. Two hand pressed against my back. They were searing hot. Violet! I let out a groan and took a step forward. It seemed like I was back right were I had started: in a dark hallway of my school. But what had that man said? My world needs me? What was that supposed to mean? White hot heat cascaded down my back.

“Okay! Okay! What’s your problem?” I screamed. The heat disappeared as I started to walk forward. This was all happening too fast.

“We’re here,” Violet stated, breaking my thoughts. She was standing at a door, with a very ominous symbol painted on it: swirling lines intersecting and swirling in a circle. My shoulders slumped. Wouldn’t the craziness ever end? “You wanted answers, and I brought you to them.”

“Before I go in there, tell me one thing,” Derek ordered. “What does that symbol mean?” Violet frowned in thought. Then she pulled up her sleeve to reveal a identical mark on her arm. “We all have them,” she started. “It’s an ancient symbol, probably originating back to the beginning of time. It means, ‘servant of the King.’”

“What king?” Derek asked. Violet shook her head and motioned to the door. I knew what king she was talking about. That man, he was the King. This I knew with no doubt. I didn’t have much time to think about it though before Violet’s hand gripped the door handle, she took in a breath, and it slid open.

Reviews Appreciated:
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-
  





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Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:29 pm
Sionarama says...



wow!!!!! The adventure never ends!!!! :)
This is amazing work and still a mystery... as you might know, It's perfect to keep the reader guessing....
AND I AM!!!!!!
You just need to touch up on thinking grammar. You must italicize the words!
Great job and thanks so much for writing them!!!
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama
p.s.
Derek is my favorite!!
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A
  





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Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:25 pm
Sins says...



Heyaa Val :)

I'm here to review as requested. I haven't read the previous chapters, simply because I'm limited for time right now so I want to give you your review as soon as possible. I don't want to make you have to wait ages! I'll just give you my overall impression of this chapter, is that okay?

For some reason, I knew that what happened next would impact us all.


I didn’t know whether I should turn my back on Violet, and just walk away.

You don't need this comma.

It was so tempting, to just walk away and move on.

Or this one. ;)

What the…. What had just happened? One second I was running down a hallway, the next moment, I was standing in a field.

You had a bit of a tense issue here.

Above me, was the bluest sky I had ever seen.

Another misused comma.

On both sides of me, continuing in all directions was an endless of field of green grass.

A few typo's here.

I gazed towards a hill on my left, which seemed to be the direction of the noise.


It was hard to tell. This place was so open. My eyes squinted as the sun sent its light into my eyes.

You seem to be forgetting to put the s on the end of some words.

It was the most magnificent thing I had ever seen.

Tenses again. ;)

Confusion creased my forehead. I felt like I knew this man, but it seemed like a faint memory, even a dream.

You used the wrong kind of knew. You said new as in brand new.

“You will know soon enough. For now, I just wanted to see your face.”


“Your world needs you, Peter.” I was about to protest when the light completely faded, and I was back in complete darkness.


“Move, Peter,” a voice complained. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to find my bearings. Two hands pressed against my back.

Forgot the s again.

I didn’t have much time to think about it though before Violet’s hand gripped the door handle. S she took in a breath, and it slid open.



Overall

I thought that this was pretty good. :) One of the things that I especially liked in this were some of your descriptions. My favourite descriptions would probably have to be the way you were describing the sun. What they did was help set the mood and the atmosphere of the chapter. When the sun was blaring, it gave off a positive vibe, and when the sun wasn't so bright, it created more of a negative vibe. That is understandable, obviously. The way you did it was very effective though. When it comes to your characters, I like them. Your MC is interesting to read about and I'm intrigued to as of who the king actually is and I'm interested in knowing more about him. Although I haven't read the previous chapters, this story as a whole seems very interesting. As far as I can tell, the plot is original and I haven't seen or read anything similar to this. When it comes to your spelling, it was great. You used a wide range of vocabulary and you didn't have one misspelled word. As for your grammar, I think that would have to be my main critique.

Don't get thinking that your grammar is terrible because it's not. I have seen people use grammar in a much worse way, trust me. Out of all of the things in this chapter though, I felt that it was your grammar that was mostly letting down the piece as a whole. What I mainly noticed was the fact that you often used commas when you didn't need to use them. You didn't really need any extra commas, you just needed to cut down on them a bit. Don't worry about it though, commas are the things that confuse readers the most when it comes to grammar. All that you really need to do is to keep practising your writing. If you do that, your grammar should improve. If you want any extra help on commas, maybe you could Google it or something? In fact, there's bound to be a thread here on YWS that gives advice on comma usage. The only other real grammar issue that I noticed you had was a rather strange one. You don't seem to put the letter s on the end of words that need it sometimes. Any errors like this that I did find, I correct for you. It was words like towards that I noticed you doing this with. ;)

As a whole, this was a good chapter. You had some really lovely descriptions in this and your characters were certainly fun to read about. Each one of them seemed to have a different personality and none of them seemed stiff. I think you've gotten characterisation down really well. The story as a whole is interesting and seems to be original as far as I can tell. Besides the grammar, there's nothing else that I really have to critique for you. I feel useless... That's a good thing, by the way. All that you need to do now is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said, and will say. Once you've done that, you should edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could have a really great piece of writing here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:32 am
Firestarter says...



Hey Valentine,

Nitpicks:

“Your world needs you Peter.” I was about to protest when the light completely faded, and I was back in complete darkness.

▪▫▪

“Move Peter,” a voice complained.


Need a comma before using a name. It should be "Your world needs you, Peter." and "Move, Peter,".

I also don't you think you needed to use ellipsis when you did. Ellipsis is pretty flimsy grammar, especially in prose. Let's look at the times you used it:

What the…. What had just happened.


Would be better and more powerful was "What the -- what had just happened?"

It sounded like…hoof beats, and they were coming closer


Take them out completely here. Works better without them.

Other things:

I was about to protest when the light completely faded, and I was back in complete darkness.


Break this into two sentences. It sounds more emphatic that way. Also, you use completely and complete. I would actually drop both, as an adverb and an adjective "complete" is a bit of useless word. Just writing this as "I was about to protest when the light faded. I was back in darkness." sounds better.

Two hand pressed against my back.


Should be two hands.

She was standing at a door, with a very ominous symbol painted on it: swirling lines intersecting and swirling in a circle.


You used swirling in the same sentence twice: I think you change one, or this description suffers.

“Before I go in there, tell me one thing,” Derek ordered. “What does that symbol mean?” Violet frowned in thought. Then she pulled up her sleeve to reveal a identical mark on her arm. “We all have them,” she started. “It’s an ancient symbol, probably originating back to the beginning of time. It means, ‘servant of the King.’”


Remember that dialogue from different characters have to be broken into new paragraphs. It's easier for the reader that way. This would become:

“Before I go in there, tell me one thing,” Derek ordered. “What does that symbol mean?”

Violet frowned in thought. Then she pulled up her sleeve to reveal a identical mark on her arm. “We all have them,” she started. “It’s an ancient symbol, probably originating back to the beginning of time. It means, ‘servant of the King.’”

This gives me a chance to bring up another thing: your speech tags. I've also noticed you use a lot of verbs instead of said. Ordered, asked, replied, whispered, etc. At's a massive distraction to have other words apart from said most of the time. Said is transparent; the reader doesn't notice it, and focuses on what is being said. Another word just stucks out like a sore thumb, unless, every so often, the situation demands it. Use said nearly all of the time. I promise it will make your fiction better. Use action to show their feelings and expressions, not attibution words. I know it seems odd but believe me, using said is a good thing. It makes the reader focus on the words and actions rather than the atrribution tag.

Overall, I quite liked this. Maybe it's because I'm being plunked into Chapter 6 and have no real idea what's going on, but this struck me as pretty intriguing and readable. Your writing is tight and enjoyable, and I don't have too many complaints. It's difficult for me to critique plot or character because I haven't read the previous five, but it seems you have a good control over the story. Good luck with the rest of it, I hope you keep going!
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:16 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



Very interesting. I cannot wait to read the next chapter. ;)
I think the others have just about covered the nitpicks. So I'm going to not do any.

By the way, love this sentence!
Little puffy clouds floated casually along its surface, bumping into each other and combining.


Keep writing, and let me know when you post more!

~Crazy :P
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)
  








Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening