Young Writers Society

I was all up for another addition to the family. Bringing home a puppy or a kitten, some sort of playful animal is what I had in mind when my mother decided she wanted to brighten up our home. Never in a hundred years had adoption crossed my mind.
It was hard not to stare at him and his dark, cold eyes. I wondered whether or not we made the right decision in picking out Lucas. He was my age, seventeen, and knowing that, I wondered why he hadn’t been adopted by this point. It wasn’t normal to have such an old kid still in the orphanage…right?
Still keeping my gaze on him, I noticed his ebony hair flopped over his forehead in a smooth ash-colored flame. He was taller than me by an entire head, making me feel quite puny. A gray sweater snuggled around him and he wore some dark denim jeans.
Mom had her arm around his shoulder. She was smiling for the first time since my father’s death. Her straight teeth and mesmerizing smile made me lift the corner of my lips. Keeping my hand on the doorknob, I stepped back to allow them into the house.
“Welcome home,” Mom said with a warm voice. Turning her emerald eyes in my direction, she gave me a quick wink. “I finally brought your brother home.”
I smiled at him. “Hi,” I chirped. He was probably feeling uncomfortable, so I tried to be more inviting. Suddenly becoming part of a family wasn’t going to be an easy transaction for him and I promised myself and Mom that I would do my best to comfort him. “Welcome home!” I reached out to shake his hand but he didn’t accept it. Humiliated, I put my arm down.
“Liliah works part time at the diner downtown, so that’s why she couldn’t come to the orphanage with me.” Mom turned me and asked, “By the way, how was work?”
“Same old, same old,” I shrugged in return.
She set her purse on the hallway table. “Why don’t you show Luke his room?”
“Okay, sure,” I answered, giving Lucas a grin. Pulling his sleeve, I motioned him towards the staircase. For some reason, he reminded me of a turtle, slow moving and never distracted. Always keeping his eyes in front of him, never looking around, in fact he looked like he was on a mission.
Once we reached the top of the stairs, he pulled his arm free and my fingers released their hold. Peering into his neutral expression, I wondered if I had gone overboard with the sleeve thing. He didn’t say anything, so I didn’t say anything either.
Mom’s room was downstairs, but our rooms were right next to each other. We had to share a bathroom but preparations were already made for that.
“This is my room,” I said, opening the door. My friends had told me my room matched my personality. Robin egg blue walls with white boarders, queen size bed with bouncy white pillows and a light colorful bed, painted my room. Mom said it was refreshing and cool. I told her my room was a place of serenity.
“I like to keep things so it’s kind of cluttered,” I mentioned as I pointed to my shelves of childhood toys and stuffed animals. I liked my memories, if I were to throw them away; it would be like throwing away a part of me.
He seemed to be rather unimpressed. So, I closed the door and turned towards his room. “This is your room.”
Opening the door himself, he stepped into the blank room. His eyes wandered the plain white walls and bed. He had a desk with a laptop on it, a few books next to the TV stand and a set of video games I had spent days picking out.
“Mom didn’t know what you really liked so she left the room alone. You can do whatever you want with it, just keep it clean,” I laughed, trying to break some ice.
Ignoring me, he sat on the bed. With a leap, I instantly hopped on next to him. He turned his icy eyes on me and I fought forward with a smile. “Can I call you Luke?” I asked, cheerfully.
His eyes dove deeper as if he were piercing me with a thousand needles. Picking myself off the bed slowly, I said, “Well, I’ll leave you be for a while. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready…” I muttered, closing the door. As I rested my back against it, I let out a sigh.
When my Mother told me she was thinking about adopting a boy, I was quite thrilled. The idea of having an older brother was exciting and my Mother and I spent long nights talking of all the possibilities. Being an only child was a bit tiring, to finally have someone my age to talk to, to lean on…well, I was looking forward to it. But the ways things were going now, I wasn’t quite sure that was going to happen.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Mom was preparing some plates. Her golden hair was tied up in a neat bun and she was wearing a skirt with a white collared shirt and slippers. Turning her head, she grinned at me.
“So, what do you think?” she asked eagerly. Pulling me onto a chair, she sat down and looked me curiously in the eyes.
“I’m sure we can all work it out,” I answered with a shrug. Honestly, I wasn’t sure why my mother was so keen on picking Luke out of all the other children, but I was sure she had her reasons. I would never doubt my mother’s choice.
“I thought I was going to adopt a younger boy,” Mom said, looking down at the table. “Someone younger but when I saw Lucas, he was just…I think we made the right choice,” she answered with a smile. “I like him, don’t you?”
My mouth twisted and I forced a nod. Luke was cold to me, from what I had witnessed at the orphanage and through the last few months, he was much more attached to my mother than he was to me. In fact, we barely had much contact. Maybe the orphanage just couldn’t hold on to him, thus they probably let us off easily. I had heard that he declined all previous offers and we were the first ones who sparked his interest.
“He doesn’t really talk to me,” I whispered.
“Give him some time Liliah,” Mom said, getting up to finish dinner.
“Don’t worry Mom, I know,” I smiled. Luke wasn’t an idiot, from what I knew. He was a top student, brain almost as smart as Einstein. Grabbing an orange from the center of the table, I slowly began peeling away the skin, taking apart the segments. I wondered who the world was dumb enough to abandon such a smart kid, let alone never come back for him…
As I placed the orange in my mouth, I watched my Mother’s back as she moved around the kitchen. Two years ago, my Father passed away in a car accident. His death let my mother shattered to the point of depression. Constantly, she visited the hospital and took medication. Every passing day made her loose willpower and strength, that’s when I was convinced their love was stronger than any bond I had ever seen. When I told her to find someone new, in hopes of rejuvenating her sprit, she refused. “No one can replace your father,” is what she told me.
“Alright,” she grinned, licking her lips. “Dinner’s set.”
I told her to go fetch Luke since I wasn’t sure whether or not he and I were on friendly terms yet. He seemed angry with me, for some incomprehensible reason.
When he came down, he was in plain white shirt and some slacks. His hands dug into his pocket, his eyes strict as he sat down in front of me. Mom set the plates and then took a seat at the end of the table, between both of us.
“Wow, our first family dinner together,” She said shifting around her chair. Picking up her fork, she flashed a row of white teeth. “What kinds of food do you like to eat, huh, Lucas?” she asked.
Luke took a bite of the mashed potatoes and then looked up with this fork still in his mouth. We stared at him, anticipating some sort of answer. The corners of his lips tilted up just slightly and that was all.
I turned towards Mom and she frowned. Clearing her throat, she said, “Well, school starts tomorrow for the both of you, excited?”
“I’m actually looking forward to going back,” I answered. Looking back at Luke, I could see him pinch the peas on his plate with his fork. I guess he didn’t like the greens. Suddenly, the thought of going to school together popped into my mind. How would it feel to walk to and from school with him? Maybe we shared some classes. Would he make friends? Would he be bullied? My stomach became heavy with the thought.
I peeked at him again. He was crouched over his plate with his elbow on the table. Slowly, his eyes lifted to mind and I felt like I had been struck by a long needle. I bit my lip, feeling immobilized. When he looked down again, I took in a small breath, wondering what he was thinking all this time.


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Hey Pink! So I don't really like being too nit picky. So I'll stick to the general stuff.
Pretty good description. If you could mix in Lucas' general description with the rest of the story it might flow better. I also feel that you make him seem a bit too creepy. I know that you want to get across the point of him being distant. I just think that if you want it to be a romance novel there should be a bit less creep factor in the kid.

Liliah seems like a really nice warm person, I think this is what you mean to get across. So thats all good. I would expect her to react a bit more to his being creepy, at the moment she just seems exasperated.

I like the emotions that you are getting at here, the death of the father in the family has also been mixed into the story well.

I look forward to seeing where this goes. Good work so far.

Phoenix lands to review

I'll nitpick a little

“Liliah works part time at a diner so she never really had the time to come met

meet

“Okay.” I gave Lucas a grin and pulled his hand up the stairs. For some reason he reminded me of a turtle, slow moving and undistracted. Was he just this way because he was nervous? Or was he always going to be quiet and cold?

I like the turtle comparison.

Maybe I had gone overboard with the hand holding…He didn’t say anything so I didn’t say anything back.

The didn't say anything back seems a bit repetitive. Plus you can't really not say anything back. You can not say something .

He turned those scary eyes on me and I fought forward with a smile. “Can I call you Luke?” I asked.

She never referred to them as scary before just deep and cold. In my opinion that does not lean toward scary. This is a bit contradictory. At least hint that his eyes can be scary in the other times you mention his eyes.

“What do you think?” she asked colorfully.

be careful with tags usage if the reader stops to try to imagine the particular tag then it is not good. This one made me stop.

My fingers pried open the segments and I[b] slipped one into my mouth.[/b]

This seems like a odd word choice. I think you can simplify this because it's not that interesting of action.



Okay it was a nice piece. I didn't notice many problems and it was a easy read that flowed nicely. Overall interesting and I'm curious as to if this is headed in the direction I think it is.


Phoenix flies away

Well, Pink, I'm here!!

Haha, another great start to a story. Phoenix has already picked out the mistakes I noticed, so I won't go over those.

You definitely have me intrigued here. I can't wait to find out why Lucas is so quite and serious. I mean, maybe it's because he never thought he'd get adopted or something and he can't seem to believe his luck. Maybe it goes deeper than that.

Either way, I really like this. I like Liliah's personality and how clear it is she loves her mother. I'm not sure I 'approve' of her taking his hand to run upstairs, considering how he'd refused to give her his hand previously. The fact that she seems unsure seems good, though. Anyway, that's just my opinion.

Thanks for letting me review this great story, Pm me for the next?

Tanya

edited

Thanks for the reviews!
I was honestly going for a little bit of creepy factor in Lucas. I want people to see him as if he could do anything at anytime.
While Liliah as someone very warm hearted and pure.
Also the orange part, well I added that there as a connection with the quote, if you know what I mean.
Anyways, thanks again!

~Pink

Here for a review as promised

My childhood dolls and stuffed animals sat impressively over my shelves. I never liked getting rid of things so I kept them in boxes in my closet so the room looked pretty cluttered.

This sentance is a bit confusing, by saying they sat impressivley it implies that Lilah is proud of them being there. But then you keep them in boxes in your closet and if the boxes are in your closet then why is the room cluttered?

She looked at me with wide, curious eyes

Other than those things I have nothing else to say. This is really good! It's such an interesting idea especially with the idea of school starting tomorrow. Your writing is good, too, and gets her personality across. I like how she wants to help her mother, thats very nice of her. Can you please PM the next chapter?

Heyo Pink!

Okay, that's an interesting piece. I did quite like it. Well, onto the review.

4. It was something that came with the force of a typhoon, tearing her heart out and ripping her into pieces leaving her alone on the streets to perish. Was her love so cruel? Did she commit to a grave sin which was unforgivable, even by God? But then again, blood was thicker than water…

This doesn't seem like something at the beginning of the chapter. It would probably be fine on the back cover thing. Just my thoughts.

The walls were robin’s egg blue with white borders. My bed was a queen size with bouncy white sheets and large fluffy pillows.

I didn't like this bit of description. It seemed too forced, to give a happy-sunshiney girl appearance and it was a lot of 'telling' I would suggest re-writing this entire bit, to make it sound better and something that doesn't bore the reader.

“Can I call you Luke?” I asked.

This is a bit too awkward for someone to ask when she knows Lucas hasn't responded to her yet. Don't go overboard with the who 'sweet-li'l girl' thing.

Her golden hair was tied in a neat bun and she was wearing a skirt with a white shirt and slippers. She turned around and grinned at me.

Once again, the descriptions are bland and well, instead of clothes you could describe other things. Like maybe some usual habit of hers when irritated/exhausted etc. That would give the reader a better connection to the characters.

I looked at my mother’s back as she moved around the kitchen. It was one year ago when my father died in a car accident. His death left my mother shattered to the point where she had to constantly go the hospital and take depression medication.

Well, you don't have to give off this information so soon. You could always give this out later. It's like "because of this, she's like this. Period." I would rather you show us more, or maybe not. Don't be so outright.

he stayed in his place…his peaceful sanctuary.  

Well, the italicized bits are weird because from this POV, how would she know that? She can speculate, that's all.


Overall, good plot. Not many major nitpicks, so I skipped over the one/two I found.
My main problem with this is that it lacks connection with the reader. There's no emotional description, nor is there some sort of believeabilty and likeability with the MC. Well, as a first chapter, you need to pull us into the story and this could do with more in that respect.
And one little note:

I was honestly going for a little bit of creepy factor in Lucas. I want people to see him as if he could do anything at anytime.
While Liliah as someone very warm hearted and pure.

Bear in mind that too much of opposite-ness might end up ruining it.

Keep writing.
Cheers,
~Lava

I know you already have a bunch of helpful reviews so I'm going to keep this real short. I love it. So much. It's very close to perfect, in my mind. The sanctuary part at the end felt kind of odd and unrelated, but other than that, it felt like a book I'd buy in the book-store. And now I'm dying to read more. Please PM me when you post another chapter. This is seriously good! I'll try to be of more use next time!
Ofir

Please Please PLEASE write another part soon!!! I feel almost as addicted to this novel(if u take it that far) as I was with Vampire Academy and The Twilight Saga!!!
I love the part about the orange cuz it really connects back to the quote, and adds more character to the scene.
I think you should describe Lilliah, Lucas and the mother a bit more, so they have more detail at the start of the story and you can picture it better.
I also love the end of the chapter, its makes you want to read more!!!

Keep Writing!!!

Yours Truly,
WelcomingExeption

Hey Pink. I had done a long review, but deleted it. So I would write whatever I can remember, okay? I would make up to it in the next chapter.

“Goodbye, dove.”

The character is talking directly to the dove, so there should be a comma like I have put.

If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct. ~Letty Cottin Pogrebin

This quote was beautiful, and I really liked it. It shows that how serious you're about your work, and how you have done your research.

“This is the bathroom, mom’s room and this is my room,” I said, opening the door.

The way it has been written looks like the MC and her mother share the same room. You can show her pointing the things in different directions to show the rooms.

The 'fate' description can suit the back of the book once it has been published. It would look ideal for the readers.

This story kind of intrigues me and I am really interested in knowing how exactly this family is going to become and what would exactly happen here. You didn't give away much of the story which is quite good and difficult to hide but you managed pretty well with it.

Now there was this one thing that I have to tell you. I found it quite weird that MC, after being described as a sober and descent girl, calls her mother by name when talking to us. I believe that this set up somewhere in America, but still people don't call their parents by name for the rare exception of Bella from Twilight. i used to hate her this quality. So, this kind of seemed contrary to her character and you can check on to that.

The MC till now which should be most developed kind of looked under-developed to me here. She doesn't have anything special or weird in her personality, and she looks over-friendly to me now. Maybe I am wrong. But this was what I felt.

Don't stop writing it, and I promise that the next chapter's review would be better and more helpful.

Keep Writing,
~Shubhi

Hello Pink~ Sorry this took me longer to get to than I had expected, I spent most of yesterday and today napping and watching Spongebob in a Vicoden haze, and was probably not in a review-y state. XD

Anyway! This does seem like an interesting premise for a story, and I’m very curious to see where things go from here on out. To be honest with you, I haven’t even got a guess yet as to what’s going to happen next, but I’m really excited to find out.

Particularly of interest to me is the prologue—I’m really curious as to who Lucas really is, and why he’s been protecting this girl and what from. There’s a lot of exciting potential there, and the atmosphere of the prologue definitely suggests a coldness, a fear, a sense of danger that intrigues me.

I’m also interested in that quote at the head of the chapter, and what it might mean for how the characters are going to develop from here on out. I think it describes this family really well—although I can feel a connection between them, there’s a definite sense that they stand separate from each other. Lucas, obviously, is very separate from the others, refusing to share his emotions or even to acknowledge the others. However, I think that feeling of separation exists between Liliah and her mother, as well. Liliah’s mother is so consumed by her grief that she has trouble relating to her daughter, and I definitely get the sense that that pain has rather grown between them, that Liliah just wants her to be happy and be her mother again, but Dianne just can’t give up her pain. There’s a sense that there’s a division between everyone in the family, and I can’t wait to see how it will come into play and how it will be resolved. I also really, really like how the orange metaphor came back into the story during the chapter.

The characters seem to have a lot of potential right now, too. Their interactions with each other work really well—I could feel the affection and closeness between Liliah and her mom, as well as the extreme tension that seemed to enter the scene whenever Lucas came into it. I think that’s actually pretty realistic—it would be hard to get used to a foreign presence being permanently added to your family even if they were social and friendly, so getting used to someone as closed-off as Lucas would certainly be awkward and tense.

I have to admit: I have a massive weakness for characters like Lucas, and probably have since I was about twelve years old. XD This might explain why the casts of my novels are all so socially awkward and unresponsive to each other. XDD So my fascination with his character might not be an entirely unbiased thing, but that doesn’t matter if it’s snared you a reader, now does it? XD But anyway, I’m massively curious to see more of his character, to learn more about him and to know why he’s so closed and quiet, and to find out about his backstory. I’m fascinated by and fond of him already.^_^

Liliah herself is pretty easy to sympathize with, she seems like a nice person even though she has trouble accepting Lucas into her family. I like that she shows such a mix of emotions toward him—even though there’s a faint taste of dislike, like when she asks her mother why she picked him, she also seems to want to make him happy and make him respond to her (like when she gives up on showing him the other rooms in the house because he doesn’t look interested). And at the same time, she had some scenes where she feels almost protective of him, like when she considers that he might be bullied at school. I think that this mix of emotions seems pretty realistic for the story so far—I definitely get the impression that Liliah doesn’t quite know how she feels about Lucas yet, whether she sees him as an interruption of the life she’s used to, as a boy her age who she thinks is kind of attractive, a sibling, a threat. She’s probably pretty confused about how to take this whole thing, and I think that comes off in the narration well. I also really like her interactions with her mother—it shows a really likable, selfless side of her that just wants her mother to be happy no matter how it might affect her life, and shows that she’s got character and a life outside of Lucas—always a good thing.

My main critique is a pretty simple one: I’m not sure that adoption, in the modern world, is quite as simple a process as it seems to be here. I haven’t done a lot of research on the subject, and you may have, so if you have and know better than me, feel free to ignore what I say. XDD But it feels to me like Dianne didn’t spend long between deciding to adopt, meeting Lucas, and officially making him part of the family—in fact, Liliah didn’t even get the chance to meet him before he moved in. I’m no expert on the subject, but it seems to me that adoption in modern times is a pretty long process—staying with and meeting the kids, going through all these validations to prove you’re a person who can handle being in charge of the child, all sorts of authentication and legal stuff like that—my cousin recently adopted two children, and it sounds to me like it was a pretty long and intense process. I find it hard to believe that Liliah and Dianne would still be so unfamiliar with Lucas by the end of that process, and that it could have happened so quickly.

Just a few nitpicks before I go:

“Goodbye dove.”

Probably need a comma after “goodbye.”

His hair was dark and flopped over his head like a smooth flame.

This description doesn’t really work for me. I think it’s the fact that “dark” and “smooth” don’t exactly go with “flame” in my mind—I was trying to picture him, and I got dark, smooth, hair, okay… then I kind of pictured his hair being on fire, and… you can see how that killed the image. XDD

“Liliah works part time at a diner so she never really had the time to come meet you but she’s a nice girl and I know you two will get along well,”

This gets kind of run-on-y—I’d put a comma after “to come meet you.”

Anyway, I think this story has a lot of potential, and it looks like there’s something exciting going on under the surface for real. I’d be glad to read chapter two, if you wouldn’t mind me there! See you soon~ ^_^

Thanks Shubhi and Zanakoku for the reviews! You both caught a lot of things that I otherwise would have missed.
I'm glad you like it, I do have a few things that are going on under the surface, haha, which is why I choose to do two POVs.
I'm glad you addressed the problem with the adoption thing, Zana, and I will have that explained clearly in chapter three
I also went back and changed how Liliah calls her mom by her first name. That was kinda weird.
Anyways thanks for the awesome reviews, I was getting scared that my plot wasn't as great as it seemed to me.

~Pink

Darn. My problem with making a review is that I forget the parts in the story which I have to quote but since I can't find them again, I'll just make this short XD. There were some grammatical errors in the story (which, like I said, I forgot where) and I noticed that you forgot to put a comma somewhere (No, not the 'Goodbye, dove.' part xD).

Anyway, this is a nice and interesting story . You've got really nice characters and I can't wait to read more.

Bye! I'm off to the next chapter XD

I am really excited to see where this story is going! Right from the begining, I am in love with Lucas's character! I saw some errors in your grammar but those have already been covered. So I wanna let you know that I also do not "approve" of Lilah grabbing Lucas's hand to show him his room. Mainly because, she's seventeen, so it makes her seem childish.

Can't wait to read the next chapter!

Hey there, Pink. I'm here to review for you. By the way, I'm sorry for the late review, but I hope that it's good enough to make up for its lateness.

The cold floor chilled my bare feet. I stared out the dusty window of the orphanage with one hand against the scratched glass. The library was unoccupied and silent as a graveyard. I fixated my eyes on the white flakes which fell elegantly over the withering grass, leaving the lawn colorless. I let out a breath and watched the smoky fog that escaped my lips.

As a whole, this paragraph is okay. It doesn't grab the readers attention like a well-executed entrance paragraph should be. This probably seems a bit nit-picky, but there seems to be an over-use of adjectives, which are underlined and in bold. It makes for very simple sentences, and the sentences don't flow well. The have a feel of not going anywhere and being oddly disjointed and unrelated.

Six years, I thought. Six long years I’ve watched your back without you knowing. I protected you from the sidelines every day, just as I promised. I didn’t dare to look at you or face you because just one meeting is enough to bring chaos to my mind. One meeting and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold myself back anymore.

Happiness is what you deserve.

I did my best to give it to you.

Now it’s time to cut the tie. As much as I don’t want to, it’s time for me to finally let go.

This is a style choice, so take it with a grain of salt: Since this is all thought, it should be in italics. Although, the formatting would look wierd since you have a few sentences split apart from the dominant paragraph. It may suit your prologue for it to all be thought so you won't just have this huge chunk of italics. Another option is split the thoughts up between the narrative, so it doesn't look so daunting as a huge block of italics.

I stared at him and his dark, cold eyes, wondering whether or not my mother, Dianne, picked out the right boy from the orphanage. He was my age, seventeen, and knowing that I wondered why he hadn’t been adopted until this point. His hair was dark and flopped over his head like a smooth flame. He was tall, nicely built with a strong jaw and straight nose. A gray sweater hugged his chest and he wore some dark jeans with a couple tears in them. He wasn’t ugly to say the least…

This is a lot of description to throw at the reader right off the back like that. Since we don't have a good feel for the character or the story yet, the reader will wonder why they should care. More like than not, the reader won't remember these details when it comes down to it. A more appealing way to approach character description is to disperse it in little tidbits ie: He ran his fingers through his dark hair. That was a horrible example but you get what I mean.

Suddenly becoming part of a family wasn’t going to be an easy transaction for him, and I promised myself and my mother I would do my best to comfort him.

“Liliah works part time at a diner so she never really had the time to come meet you but she’s a nice girl, and I know you two will get along well,” Dianne said, taking off her jacket. “Why don’t you go and show him his room?”

I added a comma to seperate the two independent clauses with the conjunction. I added the period because it should be a comma if the sentence was a continuation from before the dialogue tag.

“This is the bathroom, Mom’s room, and this is my room,” I said, opening the door.

The walls were robin’s egg blue with white borders. My bed was a queen size with bouncy white sheets and large fluffy pillows. My childhood dolls and stuffed animals sat impressively over my shelves. I never liked getting rid of things so I kept them in boxes in my closet so the room looked pretty cluttered.

Again, this seems to be a bit too much information to cram into such a small paragraph.

I prepared dinner so I’ll call you then…” I muttered, closing the door.

It seems like a 17 year old wouldn't say they 'prepared' dinner. It messed with the flow of the dialogue and caused me to take a pause in the reading.

“Yeah, I got it, Mom. No problem.”

I took an orange from the center of the table and began peeling the thick layer. My fingers pried open the segments and I slipped one into my mouth.

This is a ver subtle and nice way of slipping in a bit that connected to the quote. Very nicely done.

If we could all work it out, then maybe…things would go back to normal, well semi-normal anyway.

Once I finished setting the table, Dianne came down with Luke. I told her to call him since he seemed pretty upset with me, and I didn’t even know why.

“Wow, our first family dinner together,” she said, shifting her chair.

I took out a word in there because it seemed a bit wordy.

All in all,

before I even really got into the story, I'm in love with Lucas already. And as for the MC, well she seems nice enough. I can't really judge your characters yet so that's all I have to say about them.

Something that seemed odd to me was that you kept switching for names with the mother. Sometimes in the narrative it was Mom or Dianne. It got kind of confusing, so I think you should stick to one name for her and not switch.

On the story, there are a lot of different wats you can take it at this point, so I can't really say too much about it. There were a few typos that I caught, but there weren't too many. You seem to have a case of having a lot of info dumps. If you re-read it and look for it, I bet you can catch the ones that I didn't specifically point out. That's all I have for now. I hope I helped.

Always,
~Danie