Young Writers Society

Okay, I just have to ask, is this intentionally without capital letters?

For another, is the punctuation only supposed to be at the end of the poem, or throughout?

I really liked this poem. Oh, and one more. This is just a matter of opinion, but

"to save for a bleaker time when you really need a wish"

I think 'bleaker' is not quite the right word for that sentence, it just doesn't quite sound right to me.

I loved it a lot, though, has a lot of emotion!

Hello hello hello. I thought this was quite enjoyable to read! I agree with sassykat. The no capitals was kinda weird for me. There was few punctuation, and that seemed a but..... Inconsistent? I do however disagree in the fact of the word bleaker, in my opinion it was ok. But overall, very nice

Hi, lily! I enjoyed reading this, but I will point out what irked me...

he seemed perfect from a distance -
much like the memory of a moment only half imagined -

I think you can eliminate "much." I just felt like the simile is stronger without that word.

his trunk is a skyscraper,
so tall that you could climb to the very top
and pluck stars from the sky
to save for a bleaker time when you truly need a wish.

I think "that" is unnecessary, and I've never liked the word "very." "Bleaker" does feel a bit awkward. It's so close in spelling to the word "beaker" that I end up thinking of a chemistry lab instead of a terribly bleak time. I love the first and third lines of this stanza.

but up close, the beauty is lost
for the nearer you are, the more visible the flaws become
until all you can see
are the knots in the wood and the bark falling away

and a slender, scraggly scar running
down the length of the deciduous king as a reminder
of the power within
the burst of lighting that would mark him to death

I feel like we could use a bit more punctuation in this section here. It's quite a mouthful right now, unless you intended for the whole work to feel breathless and exhilarated. Nice work on "slender, scraggly scar" - good alliteration that doesn't feel forced. I also adore the phrase "deciduous king": I love it when writers use unusual words in poetry. It makes the experience of reading poetry so much more unique.

for somewhere in the distance –
though not really all that far away – chainsaws roar to life
and they will drop every tree in sight
from the walnuts and the sycamores to the lonely, dying oak.

Nice way to end it, with a strong, mournful image of finality. The bolded section, however, feels a bit lazy. Could you find a better way to SHOW me that the chainsaws are closer than we think? Right now you're just TELLING me...

Overall, this is a good piece that will be even stronger with a little improvement here and there, and possibly some added punctuation. Is there a particular reason there is a lack of capitalization? If you've got one, then go for it. My only other issue is the title. Currently it is rather trite. Think of something a little more unique or provocative that will immediately capture my attention. Because sometimes, I'll skip over a poem if the title doesn't interest me. Even "Deciduous King" would work, since it's so unusual. But that's your choice, of course. Keep writing!

Okay, I figured I would answer a few questions that were brought up.

Sassykat and FireandIce326 – As far as the capitalization goes, it was intentional. I’m not sure why I do it, but I never seem to want to capitalize. I think it has to do with the fact that right now, my only poetic influences are from YWS, and I’ve read way too many poems, most influentially those by Kylan and PenguinAttack. Well, them and Tennyson. So I think I might have blended my structure from Tennyson and picked up on the lack of punctuation that I sometimes see in Ky and Pengooey’s poems. It’s just…something I have no explanation for. A signature habit, I suppose.

As far as the punctuation goes, well, that again has to do with the fact that I’m still new at the punctuation thing. I like the dashes though. They make me feel like Dickinson. ^^

blackbird12 – I’m just really happy to see you here! *snugs* I took a lot of your suggestions to heart. The only things I didn’t change had to do with the second line of the second stanza, which I left the same, and the third and forth stanzas. I rush things when I speak, and I like the way the rushed feel of those two stanzas felt like…me. I did really like that you brought up the second line of the last stanza because it gave me an opportunity to change it and I actually like the new line a lot better. So thanks!

Thanks everyone for the comments actually!
And I owe all of you guys reviews in return. One of these days.

~lilymoore