Young Writers Society

This is part of the the first chapter from a book I am writing about packs of wolves living in the forest. I will not be posting all of it on here though. Reviews and feedback are appreciated. Thank You!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sila brushed against my white fur as he walked ahead of me, and I shivered. It was almost pitch black in the woods at night; the wind whistled through the forest, ruffling my fur as I walked with my tribe. The reek of the Aqua Tribe filled my nose; I knew we were close to their territory.
Degla glanced at me, my fear melted into confidence as my leader nodded for us to enter the river. It felt refreshing after a day in the warm summer sun. I stepped out of the water and onto the muddy shore; my fur slick against my body up to my neck. Suddenly, Gyra, who was still in the water, yelped. Degla turned to face his tribe member.
"What?" Degla whispered to Gyra. That's when I saw it. Two wolf heads emerged from the deeper end of the river. Nobody in my tribe moved an inch. The two wolves fully emerged; their fur dripping and their teeth bared.
" Gyra! Get out of there!" Degla shouted at him. Gyra scampered out of the water; splashing and making a scene. The two soaked, dripping, white wolves started slowly moving threw the water. I recognized one of them immediately. it was a she-wolf named Zalia. She was tough and knew how to fight. My breath quickened at each step she took. Dragging them out.
I glanced down at the scar on my leg; the way it healed was frightening and made me feel sick. I stared at Zailia. Her proud eyes seizing me up.
She stopped right in front of me. " Quilla," She addressed me, sticking her muzzle up. She walked on along with the other wolf so they stood in front of Degla.
" Fools," the wolf spat at Degla. Degla didn't look intimidated. He simply ignored the wolf's comment and stared into his eyes. More wolves from the Aqua Tribe emerged from either side and two more came from the water, staying close to the shore. A single gray wolf stood behind Degla. It was Oglo, the tribe leader.
"Oglo." Degla addressed him politely. In return, Oglo growled.
" Why are you here? This was not a wise decision of yours to trespass on out territory, Degla." Oglo hissed at my leader. His gray fur ruffled in the summer wind.
" Oglo, we mean no harm tonight. We just have a simple preposition for your tribe." Degla told him calmly. Oglo looked unsure, but nodded his head for Degla to go on.
" The puddles and water sources we used have dried up from the extreme heat. My tribe has nothing to drink. We would like permission to drink from your river," Degla said. Oglo chuckled and the rest of his tribe joined in, like a pack of wild hyenas.
" So weak, asking your enemies to share? What happened to Degla the mighty?" Oglo chuckled. Degla growled at Oglo. Definitely not accepting such a joke. Degla got into Oglo's face; his eyes starting to grow cold.
" My tribe is anything but weak, Oglo." Degla hissed. Oglo and his tribe finally stopped laughing and Oglo nodded his head.
" Fine, alright. You may drink from the river. But only during the day. When the sun sets and darkness falls upon this forest, you have no right to drink from my stream. And when the sun rises yet again, you do have my permission. We will be kind for now, Degla. But don't get used to it." Oglo said. Degla let out a sigh of relief and his eyes softened.
" Thank you, Oglo. This is greatly appreciated." Degla thanked him and bowed respectfully. Oglo nodded for him to go. Degla padded off back across the river with his tribe on his tail.
We entered camp moments later. Degla stayed at the entrance, chatting softly with the two guards. I observed from the clearing in the center. My brother, Sila walked sleepily into the den he shared with my family; my mother, Era and my father, Ekla. Gyra was chatting with his mother, Kari. Probably over exaggerating the midnight story at the river.
Degla howled for a tribe meeting and padded forward a few steps from the entrance; leaving drops of water with every step he took. His eyes glowed with pride in his tribe as he watched the wolves circle around their leader.
"Tonight, we have succeeded in our quest for water. Oglo says that we may drink from the river in daylight, but drinking is forbidden at nightfall. I would like to talk to my deputy; Kenja, in my den," Degla said; bowing his head in respect for his tribe.

This may by a rather short review as you haven't written much and grammar and spelling are good that there weren't to many mistakes to pick up on but a couple. Not really fair if you ask me! Upon reading this, I believe it's about wolves and maybe werewolves? Just an assumption.

I'm Cirque by the way and I'll be your reviewer for today. Well, I'll review what little grammatical mistakes I can find since someone didn't want to leave any for me!

" Quilla." she addressed me

" Fools." the wolf spat at Degla.

This is such a common problem on this site I couldn't be bothered retyping it so often, so don't be offended that I'm just copying and pasting an old paragraph from another review. Sorry, if it does. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

Yes, It is about Wolves. Not so much werewolfs though. Thank you very much! I'll work on those! Thanks!
And yes, it is only part of the first chapter. More up soon!

I liked this very much and that probably has a big part with it being about wolves. Have you read the book "The Sight" By: David Clement-Davis???? If you like wolves then you HAVE to read it. Also check out the sequel "Fell". I also liked him other book called "Fire Bringer" which is about deer tribes. THEY ARE AMAZING!!! "The Sight" is one of my ALL time favorite books and I think that you would like it (if you haven't read it already.)

Yes! I started the Sight a month ago and didn't get to finish it. It is on my summer reading list! Thanks!

Thanks For The Review on Dream Walker too : )

- Jessica

Cirque wrote:You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

Cirque's done half of it already, but there's still another part to dialogue punctuation. As the words to come are a continuation, it also means that you don't use a full stop before a dialogue tag. I'll give you an example.

" The puddles and water sources we used have dried up from the extreme heat. My tribe has nothing to drink. We would like permission to drink from your river." Degla said

Now, the full stop after "river" should be a comma here because the sentence doesn't end with the speech.

" Fools." the wolf spat at Degla.

Here's another example. The full stop after "fools" should be a comma, because the sentence continues.

"Oglo." Degla addressed him politely.

However, here, the sentence beginning "Degla addressed" is indeed a separate sentence, as you can't "address" as a dialogue tag. Therefore, the punctuation that you've used - a full stop - is correct.

" Quilla." she addressed me

I don't want to contradict another reviewer, but your previous version was correct. This should have a capital letter for "She", because you can't strictly have "address" as a dialogue tag. It's not a synonym for said. Because if you think about it correctly, you've actually written:

"Quilla," she addressed me.

As a full sentence, that doesn't make sense, so therefore you must divide it into two separate sentences. Your finished product looks like this.

"Quilla." She addressed me.

Obviously your sentence continues so it's not as choppy as that, but what I've just written is grammatically correct.

The only other problem with your dialogue that I can find concerns the random spaces between the quotation marks and the speech itself, which is odd. That, and the lack of proper spacing here, which makes your work a little difficult to read. You'll probably get more reviews if you space this out.

You have conflict here, which is good, but you need to make more of it. Work on creating tension between the two tribes, through your language and through the way they address each other. From your opening paragraph, all I can see are a lot of short, choppy sentences. Don't tell us what's happening; show it to us, through the reactions of the wolves and the relationships between them. Again, I'll try to give you an example.

Sila brushed against my white fur as he walked ahead of me. It was almost pitch black in the woods at night. The wind whistled through the forest. The stench of the Aqua Tribe filled my nose. Degla looked back at his tribe and nodded for us to enter the water. It felt refreshing after a day in the warm summer sun. I stepped out of the water and onto the muddy shore. Suddenly, Gyra, who was still in the water, yelped.

Sila brushed against my white fur as he pushed ahead of me, and I shivered. It was almost pitch black in the woods at night; the wind whistled through the forest and groped at my muzzle, carrying with it a faint stench that settled on my nose and sought refuge, like a cub next to its mother's belly. Yet underneath the sweet night's aroma, I could smell familiar danger.

Degla locked eyes with me then and I lost the scent. The pack leader nodded, dismissing all my fears, and I slipped into the river, breaking the wind's hold and washing away the woods' silence with the sound of cubs tumbling over each other to bathe.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. You can expand so much on that paragraph alone; it's very basic at the moment, and we don't get a full appreciation of the atmosphere. I'll leave you to write something better than what I've come up with; novel writing really isn't a strength of mine. Basically, you need to work on giving us a sense of your characters, particularly your narrator, of whom I have very little understanding at the end of this chapter. There's a good plot and this is a good confrontation to start off with, but expand on it.

Have you ever read either Wolf Brother by Michelle Paver or Into The Wild by Erin Hunter? The former deals with a wolf cub and the latter with tribes (known here as Clans) of cats living in a forest. Both would probably apply to your story.

- Jet.

Thank you very much for the review! That helps a bunch! Also, Yes, i have read the Warriors Series! The other one is on my summer reading list, too.

Thanks,
Jessica

And so here I come, late X_X Oh well =D

I've checked the reviews before me and I agree with Jetpack.

As a story itself, I do think it's got a potential. However I believe I lack some descriptions of scenery there, characters are are mentioned as if they had only skin. I'm not telling you to tell us more about their personality right away, but you could tell us more of the feelings they all have ( in their eyes, their movement - trembling f.e. - the atmosphere ). I just had little to imagine around the characters all the time. It's not like you have to give us an in-depth description of surroundings and characters, but a bit won't hurt. I guess this irritating phrase I struggled with before could be applied here =)
"Show us, don't just tell. However, don't show us too much. Without a told action, pictures won't be enough entertainment for all the way."

Next what I noticed it the structure of the sentences.
This probably looked quite strange to me.

I glanced down at the scar on my leg; the way it healed was frightening and made me feel sick. I stared at Zailia. Her proud eyes seizing you up.

I mean I glanced and then all of a sudden stared. Maybe 'I switched my attention to Zailia' would be better with the flow. Now, her proud eyes seizing who? You? I guess it's because I do not live in english speaking country and have to learn it, but I had to imagine there was 'me'. If you mean her eyes seizing everybody in general, the 'you' still doesn't feel good to me >.> But as I said, it might be because of my lack of knowledge.

Then I think there were some unnecessary short sentences, ending often with . after a little bit of information. I think summing some sentences together would be better for the flow. It just annoys when you have to stop really often with dot mark.

Oh well =) The most was already told before me and I've just tried to point out some things I noticed while reading your work. I hope it helps, don't even dare to give up improving and keep writing! I'll be looking forward to the next chapter, so good luck!

Kyou

Yeah, that one sentence was wrong and should have been me. : 0 Thanks for the review, I appreciate it much.

-Jessica

Sila brushed against my white fur as he walked ahead of me, and I shivered. It was almost pitch black in the woods at night; the wind whistled through the forest, ruffling my fur as I walked with my tribe. The reek of the Aqua Tribe filled my nose; I knew we were close to their territory.

Your descriptions aren’t bad, I can visualize the scene really well, but you can be a bit more vivid.

Sila’s silky white coat brushed against mine as he moved in ahead of me, causing me to shiver. Wind whistled through the forest on this moonless night, ruffling my fur and carrying the reeking scent of the nearby Aqua Tribe to my highly sensitive nose.

Just a suggestion.

Degla glanced at me, my fear melted into confidence as my leader nodded for us to enter the river. It felt refreshing after a day in the warm summer sun. I stepped out of the water and onto the muddy shore; my fur slick against my body up to my neck. Suddenly, Gyra, who was still in the water, yelped. Degla turned to face his tribe member.
"What?" Degla whispered to Gyra. That's when I saw it. Two wolf heads emerged from the deeper end of the river. Nobody in my tribe moved an inch. The two wolves fully emerged; their fur dripping and their teeth bared.

You can combine these sentences, too.

That’s when I saw it. Two wolves emerged from the deeper end of the river, their mangy white fur dripping wet and fangs bared.

" Gyra! Get out of there!" Degla shouted at him. Gyra scampered out of the water; splashing and making a scene. The two soaked, dripping, white wolves started slowly moving threw the water. I recognized one of them immediately. it was a she-wolf named Zalia. She was tough and knew how to fight. My breath quickened at each step she took. Dragging them out.

Since you already told us they were dripping wet, you don’t need to tell us again here. We’re already picturing it.

I recognized one of them immediately; a she-wold named Zailia. She was one of the toughest wolves I ever knew. My breath quickened with each step she took towards me.

I glanced down at the scar on my leg; the way it healed was frightening and made me feel sick. I stared at Zailia. Her proud eyes seizing me up.

Is the mention of the scar really necessary here? I would think his eyes would be fixed on Zailia.

She stopped right in front of me. " Quilla," She addressed me, sticking her muzzle up. She walked on along with the other wolf so they stood in front of Degla.
" Fools," the wolf spat at Degla. Degla didn't look intimidated. He simply ignored the wolf's comment and stared into his eyes. More wolves from the Aqua Tribe emerged from either side and two more came from the water, staying close to the shore. A single gray wolf stood behind Degla. It was Oglo, the tribe leader.
"Oglo." Degla addressed him politely. In return, Oglo growled.
" Why are you here? This was not a wise decision of yours to trespass on out territory, Degla." Oglo hissed at my leader. His gray fur ruffled in the summer wind.
" Oglo, we mean no harm tonight. We just have a simple preposition for your tribe." Degla told him calmly. Oglo looked unsure, but nodded his head for Degla to go on.
" The puddles and water sources we used have dried up from the extreme heat. My tribe has nothing to drink. We would like permission to drink from your river," Degla said. Oglo chuckled and the rest of his tribe joined in, like a pack of wild hyenas.
" So weak, asking your enemies to share? What happened to Degla the mighty?" Oglo chuckled. Degla growled at Oglo. Definitely not accepting such a joke. Degla got into Oglo's face; his eyes starting to grow cold.

I think you can capitalize Mighty because it sounds like a title.

" My tribe is anything but weak, Oglo." Degla hissed. Oglo and his tribe finally stopped laughing and Oglo nodded his head.
" Fine, alright. You may drink from the river. But only during the day. When the sun sets and darkness falls upon this forest, you have no right to drink from my stream. And when the sun rises yet again, you do have my permission. We will be kind for now, Degla. But don't get used to it." Oglo said. Degla let out a sigh of relief and his eyes softened.
" Thank you, Oglo. This is greatly appreciated." Degla thanked him and bowed respectfully. Oglo nodded for him to go. Degla padded off back across the river with his tribe on his tail.
We entered camp moments later. Degla stayed at the entrance, chatting softly with the two guards. I observed from the clearing in the center. My brother, Sila walked sleepily into the den he shared with my family; my mother, Era and my father, Ekla. Gyra was chatting with his mother, Kari. Probably over exaggerating the midnight story at the river.
Degla howled for a tribe meeting and padded forward a few steps from the entrance; leaving drops of water with every step he took. His eyes glowed with pride in his tribe as he watched the wolves circle around their leader.

You gave us a lot of names to memorize here. Maybe you tell us that Sila is your brother in the beginning, when you tell us he is brushing past you? And you can probably introduce Gyra’s mother later, too. The names sound really cool, but it felt a little overwhelming to me.

"Tonight, we have succeeded in our quest for water. Oglo says that we may drink from the river in daylight, but drinking is forbidden at nightfall. I would like to talk to my deputy; Kenja, in my den," Degla said; bowing his head in respect for his tribe.

You don’t need semicolons here. The tribe probably already knows that Kenja was his deputy, so realistically he wouldn’t have to say ‘my deputy, Kenja’. and you can easily put a comma after said.


So I think this has a lot of potential! I love wolves so you’ve got me hooked. You have some interesting characters here, and as long as you give them all personality they will be exciting to watch.

You need to focus on more detail and description. I could really picture the scene you set in the beginning, and when you compared the tribe’s laughter to hyenas I could hear it in my head. Wolves have especially keen senses, so be sure you describe lots of sounds and smells.

I’m not an expert on grammar, but a lot of your dialogue seemed off to me. You might want to look up an article and make sure you’ve got it right.

If you need any help, don’t hesitate to send me a PM.

Hey jDawn.

Sila brushed against my white fur as he walked ahead of me, and I shivered.

Not a good opening sentence as it is kind of boring. Obviously when someone walks by, then there will be some brushing no?

It was almost pitch black in the woods at night; the wind whistled through the forest, ruffling my fur as I walked with my tribe.

Eh, pretty cliche descriptions. Obviously it would be pitch black at night and that the wind will be howling. It's nothing new. Writing should be about creating something that belongs to you. Cliches detract from this.

Degla glanced at me, my fear melted into confidence as my leader nodded for us to enter the river

Na this is a pretty bad attempt at imagery. The problem is that fear and confidence are abstract nouns, so a verb like "melting" would not fit. As a result, it's bland to read.

" Gyra! Get out of there!" Degla shouted at him. Gyra scampered out of the water; splashing and making a scene.

Splashing and making a scene? Doesn't really fit the situation at hand. I tend to associate it more with something that's more light hearted and comedic.

I glanced down at the scar on my leg; the way it healed was frightening and made me feel sick. I stared at Zailia. Her proud eyes seizing me up.

Can you at least try to vary your wording here? Glancing and staring are very similar actions. Consider using the five senses here to alter your sentence structure.

Degla didn't look intimidated.

How did Degla not look intimidated? Describe it more.

We would like permission to drink from your river," Degla said. Oglo chuckled and the rest of his tribe joined in, like a pack of wild hyenas.

Well I'll give you credit for actually having a feasible conflict here.

" Fine, alright. You may drink from the river. But only during the day. When the sun sets and darkness falls upon this forest, you have no right to drink from my stream. And when the sun rises yet again, you do have my permission. We will be kind for now, Degla. But don't get used to it." Oglo said. Degla let out a sigh of relief and his eyes softened.

What the heck? Delga just tells them they aren't weak and then he's all hunky dory about letting them drink from the river? Why the sudden change of opinion? This is so forced.

Overall impressions:

You have an idea here that has a lot of potential, but your rushed exceution greatly detracted your piece. Take some time to slow down and work on adding descriptions and developing your characters. I suspect that there is some sort of feud between the two tribes no? I think it would take quite a convincing explaination for Oglo to let Delga's tribe drink from their waters.

You need to be more careful with your word choices and mood. You've established at the start that it's at night, yet later on, it read like the conflict happened during the day, as you have some rather cheery words like "splashing" and no attempt made at maintaining the night atmosphere. And also, wouldn't it be a hinderance to be travelling during the day? I would like to see more of that.

I also would like to know why Delga's tribe needs to drink from Oglo's tribe's water supply. All that happened here was the two tribe met and they agreed. That's it. The rest was pretty fluff.

Good luck.

Andy.

Thanks guys! Appreciate it! Just a draft now so feel free to hit me as hard as ya got with those reviews. I'll be editing this soon!

This is really good! I like the way you added the detail BUT, I do have some mistakes that I caught in you're writing hahah, Can't wait to read more if you post it!

" Gyra! Get out of there!" Degla shouted at him. Gyra scampered out of the water; splashing and making a scene. The two soaked, dripping, white wolves started slowly moving threw *It's Through* the water.

I glanced down at the scar on my leg; the way it healed was frightening and made me feel sick. I stared at Zailia. Her proud eyes seizing me up

Maybe Explain what you mean by "the way it healed was frightening..." some more? It'll let readers get to know it better. (Unless you're planning to do that in a later chapter of course)

Well, that's all I got. I really like the story though!
-CookEmonster