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Maybe Even Happy



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Tue Jul 06, 2010 3:34 am
EmmVeePi says...



"Chester". My sister called from behind me and down the street. "Wait up". So waited, in the muddy streets of the muddy village on a muddy mountain. The buildings lining both sides of the road would probably not have passed inspection anywhere else in the civilized world. But one could hardly call this isolated mountain town a part of the civilized world. The filth of years of neglect was strewn everywhere, interrupted here and there by the body of someone who had too much to drink the night before, trying to drown out there misery. Some would not wake, eventually the body cant take the abuse anymore, others would not be so lucky and have to wake to spend another day trying to be rid of the hangover, before resuming the drinking sometime around sunset. And so the cycle continued in the mountains. "You always walk too fast." Liz called as she finally caught up to me.

"Maybe you walk too slow." I tease her, don't mean it though.

"Where we going Chester?"

"Does it matter?"

"Why is dad like that Chester?" She asks sadly, I wish I didn't have to answer but she deserves a few straight answers in her life.

"The alcohol, sometimes other things."

"Then why doesn't he stop Chester?"

"Cant, I suppose, he's been doin it for so long he couldn't stop if he wanted to, not that he would even try." She hangs her head and we walk through the streets for a little while silently. "You hungry?" She only nods her head. I pull out my wallet. Three dollars and a couple nickles. "Burger and some fries?" She nods again. A fast food joint is just around the next corner, I grab her hand as we walk to the door. Inside, the partially toothless lady working the counter gives us just as much of a smile and asks me what we want. "A burger, small fries and small drink please."

"Will that be it?"

"What about you Chester, you need to eat."

"Naw, me and Amy ate out last night, that's why I aint got no money anyways. Yes. that'll be it thank you."

"Three eighteen please."

I stare at my hand, holding only three ten. "I got three ten is all." She gives me a blank stare.

"Three eighteen please." She repeats. Liz is quick to step to my rescue.

"Here's a quarter Chester."

"Thanks Liz." I hand the bills and the quarter to the cashier. "Where'd you get that?" I take her cup and we fill it at the fountain machine while we wait for the burger and fries.

"From a boy at school."

"A boy at school?"

"He likes me. He said thats what your supposed to do for girls you like, give them money. He learned from his dad." I shake my head as our number is called. Picking the bag up off the counter I lead her over to an open booth and hand her the food.

"So what do you want Liz?"

She paused like a good girl to chew her food before answering. "What do you mean?"

"What do you want to have? What do you want to do? What do you want in life?"

"Dad to stop drinking and mom to come back."

I can relate, but gave up on happiness a long time ago. Not that I want her to I guess, she can have a few more years of innocent hope. "What if you could have anything in the world right now. An object I mean, like a coat or car or something?"

"I don't know, there's not really anything I want."

"Oh, come on Liz there has to be something."

"Well I guess there is one thing."

"Whats that?"

"Follow me." She jumps up, throws her empty bag somewhere near the trash can and hurry's out the door. Down several streets and through a thousand things I was glad not to be able to identify we hurried, I can barely keep up with her. Finally we come to a stop in front of a brightly decorated storefront. "Fer Gerlz" the sign reads. The store is full of girls-everything. Shirts, pants, pictures, posters, decorations, hair supplies, and more. "There" she points to a pair of pink, leather boots complete with fringe and innumerable sequins.

"Wow, those are some boots. What do they cost? Two-hundred-seventy-five dollars." A whistle escapes my lips."Sounds like a deal to me, they look like a million bucks."

"I'll never get em though. Who in the world has that much money anyways?"

"No one around this town, I don't know why they'd even try to sell em here." But who's to say because the girl was born in a lame pit of filth in the mountains to a dad worth not much more that she cant have a nice thing or two? Oh right, the law, society, those sorts of things. “You'll have them some day, I promise, or even better ones.” I give her a smile and squeeze her hand. “Wanna ride?”

She smiles gleefully and nods in the affirmative, I stoop and she hops on my back. Across the town we walk, I make sure to have a little extra bounce in my step, she likes it, right now she's queen of her world, of course, she's gotta go home sometime, poor girl.

“Wanna go to the park?”

“Will you push me on the swings?”

“Of course.” Turning down a side alley, past a couple open doors and nearly as many loud, feuding couples, we walk, behind the run down buildings is an old gravel pit, mostly mud now, with a few swings, a climbing wall, a miserable excuse for a sandbox, and a few other play objects.

The rusty chains of broken swings sway in the wind, clanking and clinking all the time. Taking my sister off my back I put her on the one good swing and give her a gentle push.

“Higher!” she calls, her voice bubbling with glee.

If all I was to do my whole life was keep my sister happy I would be more than happy myself. On that topic, I now really want to get her those boots, I dont know how, I will have to think on that, but I want her to have them.

“Higher!” she yells again. I happily oblige.

“Hey, fancy running into you here.”

Hearing the voice behind me I know without looking its Amy, my girlfriend. Liz's rival the way she sees it. Stopping my sisters swing gently, I turn around. “How are you?” I ask, giving Amy a gentle hug and a peck on the cheek.

“You two look like your having fun.” She comments, taking over for me, pushing my sister.

“We try, what are you up to?”

“Wandering around this lame town, looking for something to do.”

Leaning a little closer to her as she pushes my sister I half whisper in her ear. “I got something, there is a pair of boots she wants. I cant afford them, ever stole anything?”

Catching her off guard with my question no doubt she looks at me quizzically and is struck by the swing bearing my sister.

“Sorry.” My sister apologizes obligatorily, jumping off the swing and looking unconcerned at Amy sprawled on the ground.

“Oh, its okay darling.” Amy laughs it off as I help her up. “Lets go for a walk.” She says, wiping the mud from her torn jeans.

Liz shakes her head but I grab her hand and pull her along a quiet mountain trail with Amy. “So I hear there is a nice pair of boots you want.” Comments Amy to Liz as we walk. Liz nods but does not even bother to answer her competition.

“Sister, why dont you go pick a nice big bunch of wildflowers from over there.”

Letting go of my hand my sister hops through the weeds and brush along the way. Meanwhile Liz turns to me. “So, you want to steal a pair of boots?”

“What I want is my sister to get a wish for once, and if that means me breaking the law, or getting thrown in jail, then that's fine with me. Besides you and her, there is nothing I really care about anyways, I dont really have a life I am worried about ruining.” Amy gives me a smile, but it looks more sad than anything.

“Okay, then we can do this pretty easily, but you'll have to play bait.”

“You have done this before haven't you?”

“Maybe.” She replies with a mischievous grin.

“So much to love.” I plant a kiss on her cheek as Liz returns.

“I got some really pretty ones Chester.” Liz brags, holding forth a large handful of bright, mountain flowers.

“So when can we do this?” I ask, anxious to grant my sister her wish.

“Do what?” My sister asks, looking up at me with her big brown eyes.

“Nothing much, me and your brother have some business to take care of in a bit. You'll have to wait at home for a while.”

“Please don't make me Chester. I don't wanna go back there right now.”

“She could stay at my place.” Amy offers, turning to me.

“Is that my only option?” Liz asks dejectedly.

“I think so.”

“Fine then, but whatever you two are gonna do it better not take long.”

“We better be heading back now either way.” I grab my sister and put her on my shoulder, she's getting way too big for me to be doing that, and we start back up the trail towards town.

Back in town we take a different route through the muddy streets and end up at a rundown trailer just off Main.

“You'll have the house to yourself Liz, try not to make too much of a mess.” Amy says as she unlocks the front door, inside she clears a spot on the couch and turns the TV on. “There should be juice in the fridge and cookies on the counter, we'll be back in a bit.”

Back outside me and Amy start towards the store. “So, whats the plan?” I ask, as we step around some deep puddles. ---EDIT---

“Basically” Liz starts with the instructions.

Two hours later I sit in the police interrogation room at the county jail. The chair is hard, the table rough, the room cold and nearly bare.

“So, Mister Hetrik has told us he seen you steal the boots.” He held up a picture of the missing boots. “These boots, and he has already said he is willing to testify against you in court. So, the question is, where are the boots? We can prosecute you without them, but maybe we could make things a little easier on you if you gave up the boots.”

I stare, right into his eyes, but say nothing. There is no way they are taking those boots from my sister.

“Okay, lets start from the beginning. Did you steal the boots?”

“I do not recall.”

My defiance clearly irritating the chubby cop, he continues. “What did you do with the boots after you took them? Where are they now?”

“I do not recall.”

His voice rises with anger. “Who is your accomplice?”

“I do not recall.” A wry smile crosses my face.

“Okay then, back to the cell.”

“I want my call.”

“Your what?” He asks, grabbing my arm and pulling me from the chair.

“My call, I want my call.”

His face turns red and he mutters something under his breath, but leads me to a phone in the hall. Taking it off the hanger he hands it to me. “You got one minute exactly.”

Taking the phone I punch in the series of buttons and put it to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Amy, its Chester.”

“Where are you?” The nervousness is very apparent in her voice.

“Jail.”

“What?”

“Yea, I'm in jail.” Turning to the cop. “Whats my bail?”

“A grand.” He replies gruffly.

“Okay Amy, my bail is a grand, if you could come up with that and come get me out please.”

“A thousand dollars?” She asks in disbelief. “What do they need that for?”

“Donut shortage no doubt.” I don't get to hear her reply as the cop finishes the conversation by hanging up the phone abruptly and planting his elbow in my gut. “Cinnamon rolls?” Another elbow to the gut.

It was a few hours more before, jumping from my seat in the corner of the cell, I rush to the opening cell door and give Amy a hug, squeezing hard as I dare. Its been more than long enough for me in the cell, really I am just glad to see her today, I thought it might take her longer to come up with the cash.

“Okay, I'm glad to see you too.” She says, prying my arms off her. “Just don't kill me.”

“Sorry, lets get out of here.”

“Sure, we'll go back to my place and get something to eat.” She winks at me as we walk out the building. Outside the jail we walk. Looking around to make sure no one is listening I lean closer to Amy.

“The boots, she has the boots?”

She nods, smiling broadly. “Yea she has them, and loves them too, she even gave me a hug.”

“So you two are making progress.”

“Seems like it.”

I grab her hand and give her a peck on the cheek, we walk hand in hand the rest of the way to her house. I'll have to go back to court and will probably be convicted, maybe have to spend some time in jail, but right now all is good. I got one of my best girls holding my hand and walking beside me, my other best girl has got the thing she most wants in the world, the sun is shining, a breeze is blowing, yea, its all good right now. I think I might even be happy.
  





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Tue Jul 06, 2010 2:04 pm
iceprincess says...



Hello there! :D I'll be your reviewer for today.

I'll nitpick for a bit first, and I'm sorry if I seem too harsh! :?

Amendments are in blue.

The filth of years of neglect was strewn everywhere, interrupted here and there by the body of someone who had too much to drink the night before, trying to drown out there misery.

Their, not there.

She jumps up, throws her empty bag somewhere near the trash can and hurry's out the door.

Hurries, not hurry's.

The store is full of girls-everything.

I'm a bit confused about this sentence --- did you mean that the store was full of girl stuff, or did you mean that it had a lot of girls inside?

“You two look like your having fun.”

You're, not your.

So about the piece itself: I like your writing style, and the flow is really smooth, apart from a few grammatical mistakes here and there.

I would really appreciate it if you wrote about the robbery itself. It would be interesting to see how Chester steals the boots, how he and Amy manage the whole thing. Also, how did Amy come up with the cash? If she had a thousand dollars, why didn't she offer to buy those boots herself? I mean, she does want to be closer to Liz, right?

All in all, it's a good piece already. If you happen to rewrite it, can you send me a PM? I would like to read it.

Keep writing! :D

-Rosie =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.


  





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Tue Jul 06, 2010 2:11 pm
sodapoplunchbox says...



Hello EmmVeePi!
You have a good idea for this story, but I think you should edit your transitions more. For example:
Picking the bag up off the counter I lead her over to an open booth and hand her the food.

"So what do you want Liz?"

(It just jumps in so suddenly, maybe you should tell Chester's thoughts and then have him ask her)
"Where we going Chester?"

"Does it matter?"

"Why is dad like that Chester?"

(I think the second time I read this it made more sense. I'm assuming Chester&Liz left the house because of their father. But the first time around, I didn't know that. Try indicating it in the beginning paragraph that Chester is leaving his house)

Towards the end the transitions got better though
Hearing the voice behind me I know without looking its Amy, my girlfriend. Liz's rival the way she sees it.

This would sound better "I know without looking it was Amy, my girlfriend and Liz's rival(at least, that's way she sees it).

You should proofread this story again for other awkward sentences and grammar mistakes.

Like I said, I think you had a good idea with this story, you just need to fix it up some more.
Good Luck!
-SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!
  





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Wed Jul 07, 2010 4:29 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Heya MVP!

I'm here as requested! Now onto the review!

Dialogue
First off, I'd like to direct you to this article here: Dialogue Punctuation. It's by a YWSer and great for learning how to punctuate dialogue.

The only other problem I had with the dialogue is that sometimes it wasn't clear who said what. Putting a "said [insert name here]" would make it a lot easier to understand.

Realism
The biggest issue I had was the realism of the piece. Though it's a good story, it could be made even better if it was realistic.

- The Town -
I assumed the town was dirt poor, but then there are fast food places, bars, and a store selling expensive items. Unless there are people living there with some money these places wouldn't be there. It's not a smart business decision to set up shop in a place where no one can buy what you're selling. Businesses set up for success. As I imagined the town, pawn shops, crappy diners, and perhaps one bar with homemade alcohol would have made more sense. It's important to make sure that the setting matches what goes on in it.

- The Boots and the Bail -
It seems strange that Amy was able to pay the $1,000 bail when they stole boots that only cost $275. Where did she get the money? Also, even if he did meet bail he would still be tried for theft. Just paying bail doesn't mean you're home free.

Realism is an important aspect of any story. It makes it believable, and makes it a much more interesting read. This story has a great concept, and with some tweaks and a heap of realism it will be a great story all around. :)

Good luck and keep writing! If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

-Lauren-
Got YWS?
  





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Fri Jul 09, 2010 5:04 pm
Emerson says...



Hey there! sorry it took me a bit to get around to giving you this review, I've been busy with quite a lot of other things, but here it is at least. :)

I'm a bit lazy when it comes to copy-editing unless requested, so I won't point out any of it to you, but you have a lot of errors related to puncutation, run on sentences, grammar in general. It makes reading this piece awkward and difficult at times.

With that said, I do have a few other things to comment on! What stood out to me the most was the voice of the narrator. It was dry, ramble-y, awkward. It seemms like you were uncomfortable while writing this, or as if you had trouble really knowing what you were writing about. None of it seems purposeful.You give us detail about the settings and so forth, but then in some place it's as though you either didn't care, were too lazy, or forgot to put in the right details:

Down several streets and through a thousand things I was glad not to be able to identify we hurried, I can barely keep up with her.sunset. And so the cycle continued in the mountains.

When the narrator doesn't identify something, then neither does the reader, and it makes this detail useless.

My biggest issue regarding it was that it felt like you didn't have a purpose when writing this. The narrator's voice is depressed, but not alive. The way you write things sounds awkward for the first person:

I grab my sister and put her on my shoulder, she's getting way too big for me to be doing that, and we start back up the trail towards town.

An observation in the middle of a description of action? Which is fine, but the way it's worded/put together is awkward, run-on sentence almost. I feel like the most challenging aspect of this was the first person. It doesn't serve the piece as well as it could.

I have to agree with Lauren about realism. If no one has money, where'd they get the money to bail him out? I had been expecting some dark conclusion regarding where the money had come from - but there was no such thing. And wouldn't the brother care at all about the fact that him being in jail would mean his sister would be without him. In my mind, and I'm sure in his sister's, having a brother is much better than having boots. The character's complete ignorance of this detail left me feeling unsympathetic for him. It also made me feel like he didn't think it through very clearly, and almost, that you didn't either. I felt like it should have come up, at least in consideration. If the character is dumb, or careless, that is understandable - but for it to have not even been mentioned was an issue for me.

Another thing that bothered me about this piece was the structure. The first paragraph is wandering, I had to hold myself into it to really get what you were saying, and it take some way into the piece before we get what the story is about (the boots). Then, when it's been decided to steal them, instead of writing about them stealing the boots, you skip it entirely and write about him being in jail. Then, deus ex machina, almost, his girlfriend manages to get the money and bail him out. I know the piece is about finally being happy but it doesn't seem like there was much for any of these characters to struggle over. where is the conflict? The drunk father? We don't see the drunk father and we only know about him through mentions, and the mentions themselves don't paint a strong enough picture for me to care about the characters. Again, I feel like all of this may have been a result of you not being entirely sure where you were going with this piece. It seems to have no structure. No hook, no conflict, no true challenge for the characters, no true resolution since there wasn't anything to struggle to resolve. I didn't feel rewarded with anything by the end of reading.

You have something here, the laid back writing style was interesting, even if it did lend to lazy sentences. I honestly think if you cleaned up your structure and worked on developing the character's voice, you could make this stronger. As it is, I don't care about the characters enough to care about the story. Sorry for being so harsh, but I'm not much of a sugar-coater. If you have any questions about the review feel free to PM me.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  





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Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:51 pm
EmmVeePi says...



Thanks much for the critiques. This is certainly a piece that is important to me, but I have admittedly struggled to get it onto paper. Thanks to these critiques I now have a couple notebook pages worth of adjustments. Once again, thank you for your time.
Matthew
  








You sound like you're becoming emotionally involved with the custard.
— Nikki Morgan