Young Writers Society

Its my first ever piece of writing, after 3 weeks of proscarination I have finally laid down my gushing thoughts on paper,
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Looking after pets have lately became my obsession. It's not just an obsession but an activity by which I can spend my long, boring summer vacations. My love of pets didn't existed in my heart for the last couple of years. I would say this new innovative love is imparted by animals. It's highly ironical that I first used to hate animals, detested their presence, loathed their care free lifestyle and now all of a sudden my image of animals changed. I considered them as a part of my Biology lessons.
Actually, not all animals.

The group of animals that I have become attached to is Cats. This feline community wanders like Royal Queens in the streets of our neighborhood. Sometimes you will see them in trash can possibly searching for something to eat, others might be rejoicing the shade under the tree, but still others may enter your house forcibly asserting their ownership. They will look towards you with threatening eyes, but Cats get frightened easily.

Like me, mom also disliked animals. Actually, she dislikes everything that doesn't proves financially beneficial. One day, I asked mom whether she loved exotic birds.
She replied, "Do they lay golden eggs?"
"Uh.. No." said I confused at mom's question. "
Then, why would I love them?" she grimly replied.
And Dad? He isn't even aware that there are creatures around us called animals. Probably because he is so busy with his life, he doesn't even have time to peek through the charms of Animal Kingdom. My chain of thoughts shifted from pets to my family. My family is... a disintegrated unit. Everyone in my family is highly opposite and polarized to others. My mom dreams of being a billionaire, but she doesn't even receive a regular working income. She works at the local Baby sitter club. By the end of the day, she is frustrated with how much care is given to pets and children but adult people gets nothing of the care. Dad on the other hand is busy with his own hectic life. And that hectic is actually paperwork which he hates. But, he has to do for the our sake.
My thoughts were disturbed when the shimmering gates of my house appeared. "Home finally!" I whispered to myself as I wiped the streams of sweat from my forehead.

I entered the house expecting Mom at the kitchen and Dad fighting with papers. But, Something else happened.
At the corner of our not-so-large courtyard, is a small, cavern like room. Dad especially build it for himself as he wanted to store his useless supplies in that room. No one loved that room because of its humid and hot climate. It was abandoned for many years. When I entered the courtyard , I was surprised to see everyone surrounding that ominous locked door.

"Why are you all standing here?" I inquired as I leaned over to have a glance at the door.
"Oh, Its your Mom wildest imagination and nothing else. You must be exhausted, Go and wash yourself, You face is covered with dust." said Dad in his usual grumpy tone.
Dad always loved ordering others. From the bad smell form food to the worn out shoes, He is always in a rough and rueful mood. He never smiles, even if the world funniest man tried to make him laugh still Dad wouldn't be amused.

"Mind you, its not my wildest imaginations. I heard it myself. I swear!" mom said in an exasperating tone. As if she really heard something.
"Heard what, Mom?" pretending mom might have heard something.
"Dear, Some one whispering. I really heard someone whispering inside this room. The whispering was very much loud, it really got into my ears. I am not joking as your Dad says." mom said in a frightful tone as if someone really worse is present in the room.
"Calm down mom, Maybe its the hot wind that is blowing. The door was locked for several years, How can anyone whisper there? ." I replied in the most confident tone
"Well, when did I say someone might be present in the room, I am saying someone is surely there! We will have to call the police!'
"Don't be Ridiculous! How can someone really get into the room. You stop thinking about this, go and get me something to eat. I am starving!" said Dad while pointing her to leave.
"You don't understand, there might be some incarnation of ghost residing in that room. I have heard about such ghosts who come to harass people in human forms. They must be whispering to devour us." gasped mom.

For me, it was hard to believe this whole ghost business. Mom belong to an ancient and superstitious tribe. She learned these things from her grandmother, who was an ominous woman who believed in witchcraft and magic. I never gave credence to these stories. If magic existed, Why wouldn't it reveal to us? Why cant it improve the financial situations in my family. But, it was just hopeless to expect magic to do even that.

I was already too tired from 2 miles walk from school, I turned away signaling to Mom that I wasn't worried with this mom's incarnations theories.
But, Mom held my hand, "Anne, Don't even you think I have gone crazy. Those incarnation stories are not fake but real. We will have to burn incense, so that the evil spirit will be demolished."
"Oh, You and your ghosts. You yourself are an evil spirit. Let her go" interrupted Dad whose face was full red with rage. Mom dropped my hand violently and Dad pointed me to leave.


"RAWWWR!"
At the same instant, a large coarse voice, not like a whisper, but more like someone wailing in pain echoed through the small courtyard. The voice was so loud that my heart was frozen. I looked behind and was shocked to see that old,rusty door shaking as if some violent force wants to break through it. I stood there, my eyes fixed at the door. it was rattling viciously. I feared that the weak door will open, and some evil nemesis might come devouring us. I was shaken by this thought, but It just didn't happen. But, now it had started rattling wildly. After a while, the rattling stopped. The echoing howling that had froze our hearts also vanished. My eyes wide open, I was still trembling as if an earthquake shook our house. I stared blankly at dad and mom who were also gazing at each other.

Hello ShelraofWaral!

Okay, so this story has good potential, It just needs some fine tweaking.
First is your grammar. I noticed some odd constructions and verb conjugations. I would suggest you re-read it, looking over carefully. You might find a few tips here : writing_tips.html
If you want me to help you on this say line-by-line, send me a PM. We'll work it out through the PMs. And, while on grammar, I found a few places where you had unnecessary capitalization. Eg:

"Don't be Ridiculous!

Here, the 'R' should be in small case. For emphasis, you can italicize the word.

And Dad? He isn't even aware that there are creatures around us called animals. Probably because he is so busy with his life, he doesn't even have time to peek through the charms of Animal Kingdom. My chain of thoughts shifted from pets to my family.

I like how you're talking 'bout your parents. But what you're doing is telling us he's like this and that. You need to show us his character.
Telling: "It was quiet inside the room."
Showing: "The room was still. One could hear a bird chirping in the backyard."
See, the second sentence is much better to read, right? It shows us the place, and kindles the readers' interest. Like this is good showing :

She replied, "Do they lay golden eggs?"
"Uh.. No." said I confused at mom's question. "
Then, why would I love them?" she grimly replied.

"Heard what, Mom?" pretending mom might have heard something.

This is a little odd. Since the question is in the quotes, you generally continue it with a new sentence. Therefore, it should be "Heard what, Mom?" I asked, pretending that she might have actually heard something.

grandmother, who was an ominous woman

I'm not quite okay with using ominous as an adjective here. What are you trying to explain about the grandma's character?

"RAWWWR!"

Honestly, this doesn't work here. Try changing it or maybe you can do away with it. It looks more like something that belongs in a comic strip.

I stared blankly at dad and mom who were also gazing at each other.

Okay, I hope I helped you. I would suggest you focus on improving grammar and description. Okay, PM me if you need help on anything.

Cheers,
~Lava

Hey, SheiraofWaral!

"The road to Hell is paved with adverbs."
- Stephen King

Probably my favorite quotation about writing, ever--and a good one to keep in mind. You know, adverbs can be necessary.
But "can" is the operative word. More often than not, they're completely useless, and they become the hallmarks of blithe, careless writing. Luckily for you, you don't seem blithe or careless! Perfect. Avoid using them, and you're forced to pick pointed, perfect verbs. You speak English. It's the most extensive, complicated language out there. There is a verb for every situation. Find it.

Example:

house forcibly asserting their ownership

In this case, you could get rid of "forcibly" altogether, because asserting implies that something was done forcibly.

but Cats get frightened easily

I'm not sure if you would want to do this stylistically, but if you were going to be really fancy, you could just say, "cats spook". The general rule of style, besides NO ADVERBS, is LESS IS MORE.

When you revise, watch out for wordiness as well as specific words.

The group of animals that I have become attached to is Cats.

Becomes: I have become attached to cats.

That's what Word's spellcheck will give you, and for once in that program's miserable life, it's correct.

As far as characters go, try to give us an overview of necessary details about their lives before the action starts. That way, you don't have to pause the movie for an awkward side note.

Mom belong to an ancient and superstitious tribe.

Woah! Hold on a minute. By adding this detail eighty thousand years after you introduce the mom character, it's confusing. Not only is this story becoming more of a fantasy (which we didn't expect), there is some sort of interesting background of the mother that you need to explain. If you add this detail at the beginning of her introduction--when they're talking about birds--you could frame it to explain her thriftiness, or her fear of being left financially high and dry.

Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to read anything else.

Congrats on your first post!! and welcome to YWS.

Looking after pets have lately became my obsession. It's not just an obsession but an activity by which I can spend my long, boring summer vacations. My love of pets didn't existed in my heart for the last couple of years. I would say this new innovative love is imparted by animals. It's highly ironical that I first used to hate animals, detested their presence, loathed their care free lifestyle and now all of a sudden my image of animals changed. I considered them as a part of my Biology lessons.

Your beginning can be a little better phrased, I think.
Lately, I have become obsessed with looking after pets. Not only obsessed, but turning this passion into an activity by which I can spend the long, boring days of summer on. Just a thought, I don’t particularly like my revision, either.

Actually, not all animals.
The group of animals that I have become attached to is Cats. This feline community wanders like Royal Queens in the streets of our neighborhood. Sometimes you will see them in trash can possibly searching for something to eat, others might be rejoicing the shade under the tree, but still others may enter your house forcibly asserting their ownership. They will look towards you with threatening eyes, but Cats get frightened easily.
Like me, mom also disliked animals. Actually, she dislikes everything that doesn't proves financially beneficial. One day, I asked mom whether she loved exotic birds.
She replied, "Do they lay golden eggs?"
"Uh.. No." said I confused at mom's question. "
Then, why would I love them?" she grimly replied.
And Dad? He isn't even aware that there are creatures around us called animals. Probably because he is so busy with his life, he doesn't even have time to peek through the charms of Animal Kingdom. My chain of thoughts shifted from pets to my family. My family is... a disintegrated unit. Everyone in my family is highly opposite and polarized to others. My mom dreams of being a billionaire, but she doesn't even receive a regular working income. She works at the local Baby sitter club. By the end of the day, she is frustrated with how much care is given to pets and children but adult people gets nothing of the care. Dad on the other hand is busy with his own hectic life. And that hectic is actually paperwork which he hates. But, he has to do for the our sake.

This is a long paragraph of information to take in at once. I don’t think we need to know your entire family’s career history right now.

My thoughts were disturbed when the shimmering gates of my house appeared. "Home finally!" I whispered to myself as I wiped the streams of sweat from my forehead.
I entered the house expecting Mom at the kitchen and Dad fighting with papers. But, Something else happened.

Why were you sweating? Was it hot in the car? Were you nervous?

At the corner of our not-so-large courtyard, is a small, cavern like room. Dad especially build it for himself as he wanted to store his useless supplies in that room. No one loved that room because of its humid and hot climate. It was abandoned for many years. When I entered the courtyard , I was surprised to see everyone surrounding that ominous locked door.

Small cavern-like room. And who do you mean by ‘everyone’?

"Why are you all standing here?" I inquired as I leaned over to have a glance at the door.
"Oh, Its (it’s)your Mom’s wildest imagination and nothing else. You must be exhausted, Go and wash yourself, You face is covered with dust." said Dad in his usual grumpy tone.
Dad always loved ordering others. From the bad smell form food to the worn out shoes, He is always in a rough and rueful mood. He never smiles, even if the world funniest man tried to make him laugh still Dad wouldn't be amused.

Why would a bad smell and worn shoes make him rough and rueful? This paragraph doesn’t make much sense.
Semicolon after ‘smiles’.

"Mind you, its not my wildest imaginations. I heard it myself. I swear!" mom said in an exasperating tone. As if she really heard something.
"Heard what, Mom?" pretending mom might have heard something.

Maybe you could just say ‘humoring her’.

"Dear, Some one (someone, one word, no capital letter) whispering. I really heard someone whispering inside this room. The whispering was very much loud, it really got into my ears. I am not joking as your Dad says." mom said in a frightful tone as if someone really worse is present in the room.
"Calm down mom, Maybe its the hot wind that is blowing. The door was locked for several years, How can anyone whisper there? ." I replied in the most confident tone
"Well, when did I say someone might be present in the room, I am saying someone is surely there! We will have to call the police!'

This bit here is kind of a mess. You’re throwing in all kinds of punctuation that doesn’t fit. Maybe should not be capitalized since it’s not the beginning of a sentence. Its should be it’s. How should not be capitalized. Why do you have two punctuation marks in a row? There was no punctuation after ‘tone’. After police, you need quotation marks.

"Don't be Ridiculous! How can someone really get into the room.(question mark) You stop thinking about this, go and get me something to eat. I am starving!" said Dad while pointing her to leave.

Instead of said maybe you could say ordered.

"You don't understand, there might be some incarnation of ghost residing in that room. I have heard about such ghosts who come to harass people in human forms. They must be whispering to devour us." gasped mom.
Comma after us, not a period.
For me, it was hard to believe this whole ghost business. Mom belong to an ancient and superstitious tribe. She learned these things from her grandmother, who was an ominous (is this really the word you’re looking for?)woman who believed in witchcraft and magic. I never gave credence to these stories. If magic existed, Why (no capital)wouldn't it reveal to us? Why cant (apostrophe) it improve the financial situations in my family. But, it was just hopeless to expect magic to do even that.
I was already too tired from 2(two) miles walk from school, I turned away signaling to Mom that I wasn't worried with this mom's incarnations theories.

Rephrase this sentence somehow

But, Mom held my hand, "Anne, Don't even you think I have gone crazy. Those incarnation stories are not fake but real. We will have to burn incense, so that the evil spirit will be demolished."

Instead of ‘but’ maybe say, However, mom saw the worry inside me reached out to hold my hand.

"Oh, You and your ghosts. You yourself are an evil spirit. Let her go" interrupted Dad whose face was full red with rage. Mom dropped my hand violently and Dad pointed me to leave.
"RAWWWR!" huh??? Is there a tiger in the bushes???
At the same instant, a large coarse voice, not like a whisper, but more like someone wailing in pain echoed through the small courtyard. The voice was so loud that my heart was frozen. I looked behind and was shocked to see that old,rusty door shaking as if some violent force wants to break through it. I stood there, my eyes fixed at the door. it was rattling viciously. I feared that the weak door will open, and some evil nemesis might come devouring us. I was shaken by this thought, but It just didn't happen. But, now it had started rattling wildly. After a while, the rattling stopped. The echoing howling that had froze our hearts also vanished. My eyes wide open, I was still trembling as if an earthquake shook our house. I stared blankly at dad and mom who were also gazing at each other.

Suddenly, a loud, raspy voice echoed through the courtyard, paralyzing my entire body in fear.

It sounds much better than being like ‘the voice was like this, not like this, but sounding more like this. It was scary.’

Echoing howling doesn’t sound good. Just say ‘the howling vanquished’.


So I definitely think that this still needs a lot of work. You have grammar errors everywhere, and most of them were forgivable like dialogue, but there are simple punctuation and capitalization errors, too. I think if you read this slowly, and aloud, you could fix a lot by yourself.

Your characters seem interesting, the mom especially. I’m curious to read more about them.

If you have any question, drop me a PM. I hope I helped.