Young Writers Society

I'm not usually a poet but I was inspired. This is based on a very close friend of mine and it is the product of late night insomnia, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Flip flops smack against heels. Heads turn.
She's hot and she knows it.
The librarians glare at her but don't say anything, she flips her fiery red hair behind her, she's not breaking any rules.
She takes a seat at a table alone, facing him.
He's the only one not looking, he'd kept his eyes on his notebook since she walked in.
He's so ugly, he would be lucky to have someone like her.
Long greasy hair framing a face completely hidden by a giant nose. Big heavy build that could crush her tiny body.
He should be chasing after her.
She slams her bag onto the table, desperate for attention
A Librarian shushes her, glad for the excuse.
She is willing him to look and he knows it.
Why won't he love me, she was thinking, everyone else does.
And everyone else did.
A freshman walks by and stares down her shirt but she’s not in the mood to be flattered.
Look at me, she begs, leaning across the desk
Practically lying on the table.
He closes his notebook, eyes still trained down.
He feels the heat of her stare, knows he's won
As he exits, the library is filled with the satisfying crunch of her pencil
Why don't you want me? Everyone else does

LittlePrincess wrote:I'm not usually a poet but I was inspired. This is based on a very close friend of mine and it is the product of late night insomnia, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Flip flops smack against heels. Heads turn.
She's hot and she knows it.
The librarians glare at her but don't say anything, she flips her fiery red hair behind her, she's not breaking any rules.
She takes a seat at a table alone, facing him.
He's the only one not looking, he'd kept his eyes on his notebook since she walked in.
He's so ugly, he would be lucky to have someone like her. Maybe change "have" to date, or something.
Long greasy hair framing a face completely hidden by a giant nose. Big heavy build that could crush her tiny body.
He should be chasing after her.
She slams her bag onto the table, desperate for attention.
A Librarian shushes her, glad for the excuse. Why is the "L" in "librarian" capitalized?
She is willing him to look and he knows it.
Why won't he love me, she was thinking, everyone else does. Add a question mark.
And everyone else did.
A freshman walks by and stares down her shirt but she’s not in the mood to be flattered.
Look at me, she begs, leaning across the desk
Practically lying on the table.
He closes his notebook, eyes still trained down.
He feels the heat of her stare, knows he's won
As he exits, the library is filled with the satisfying crunch of her pencil Period here.
Why don't you want me? Everyone else does Period...

Interesting poem. I like the structure and theme is not entirely original but you worded it well. You told a story that kept me reading. *likes*

Oooh! I like the character interaction here! Very nicely done.

Now, as far as your poem, I really, really like how the action tells the story. It reminds me of that one poem with the lady in the subway? It's a really neat poem... if I remember it, I'll PM it to you! One thing is that I would rather have the actions than the thoughts. I think the actions make the thoughts quite apparent and it is a lot more subtle... a good thing!

Anyway, I really liked this. I'll be reading more of your works, I guess!

Ah, late night insomnia. It's true that most poems are inspired by this phenomenon. What I hadn't expected was such a creative poem. It deviates from the usual almost wishy-washy abstractions that people sometimes think is what poetry is all about and instead confidently asserts itself. The poems speaks. It speaks with a unique tone; a perfect capture of the immaturity of the moment and the mindset of those involved. It's lovely to read something this different now and again. In fact, I'm going to encourage you to experiment with your 'voice' now - try out becoming different people in your poems! You'd be surprised at how interesting that is.

Flip flops smack against heels. Heads turn.
She's hot and she knows it.

Such sass! Possibly my favourite lines, just because it could almost be a story, but the way the poem breaks up the lines gives it a really cool rhythm. It makes us really stop and think at the end of the second line there - sheesh, you hook us in fast.

The librarians glare at her but don't say anything, she flips her fiery red hair behind her, she's not breaking any rules.
She takes a seat at a table alone, facing him.
He's the only one not looking, he'd kept his eyes on his notebook since she walked in.
He's so ugly, he would be lucky to have someone like her.
Long greasy hair framing a face completely hidden by a giant nose. Big heavy build that could crush her tiny body.

I'm in two minds about this part. I don't like the mention of librarians. I think you can tell us we're in a library much more neatly. On second thoughts, you don't need to - it's in the title! I also don't reckon I need a description of her 'fiery red hair' (which sounds a little cliche, actually - too shallow and fake, even if that's the intention). All the description of her I'm going to need in this poem is that punchy one-liner: 'She's hot and she knows it.' And 'she's not breaking any rules' - I think you're trying to say too much here. Yes, like Snoink said, focus on the action rather than descriptions or thoughts since that's essentially what interests us most. The second line in that above quoted part is great - just the type of class and punch I expect. The 'he's the only one not looking...' line is a tad long for my liking, actually. Surely, there's a snappier way to say it?

Also, another issue with overdescription here: you know how the 'she's hot' bit perfectly described the girl, making the 'fiery red hair' redundant? Yeah, it's the same thing when you say, 'He's ugly,' and then say, 'greasy hair...' One of those descriptions has got to go. In fact, I don't really like either - seem too appearance-focussed, but that's just a personal preference.

He should be chasing after her.
She slams her bag onto the table, desperate for attention
A Librarian shushes her, glad for the excuse.
She is willing him to look and he knows it.

First line here - brilliant. Nix the 'desperate for attention' bit - it's unecessary. The next two lines seem like space-fillers, too; just stalling until the actual action. Again, something about bringing in the librarians annoys me - I think it's because I imagine this scene to take place in a tight little bubble of its own. If you bring in externalities like other people, this just detracts from the sharp focus you've already created. All of a sudden, the reader's mind is not imagining the boy and the girl - we've got other people in the library to think about, bookshelves, pages and librarians to consider. And we have all this when what we really feel attracted by is the pinpointed description. If the girl doesn't notice the librarians, why should we? I'd probably change the 'she is willing' to 'she wills' since that seems more immediate to me.

Why won't he love me, she was thinking, everyone else does.
And everyone else did.
A freshman walks by and stares down her shirt but she’s not in the mood to be flattered.
Look at me, she begs, leaning across the desk
Practically lying on the table.

First four lines here were pathetic. But the last line more than made up for it - all of a sudden, what she's doing is pathetically funny. It's so damn funny, it's ridiculous. I was a little unsure about her thought processes in italics again, but I figure that a bit of a striptease (pardon the pun) to the punchline - 'Practically lying on the table' - couldn't hurt.

Oh, yeah, just a niggling issue with the external characters - the freshman, the 'everyone.' You're popping that action-bubble of yours...

He closes his notebook, eyes still trained down.
He feels the heat of her stare, knows he's won
As he exits, the library is filled with the satisfying crunch of her pencil
Why don't you want me? Everyone else does

Heck, that was totally unexpected. Why the satisfying crunch of her pencil? Shouldn't it be 'his'? I think you can do a snappier ending than this. Sure, keep the events the same; just truncate it off with the same sass you begun it, instead of that pathetically melodramatic line, 'Why don't you want me? Everyone else does.'

So, an enjoyable read - I thank you for that. And it'd be great to see this trimmed down and honed a lot sharper. PM me if you have any questions. Or if you write any more like this!

I just wanted to say this really was great. I red the first line twice before realizing it was about her shoes! It was really good. The character display was awesome. I love how you wrote it, the repetetive, she's hot and she knows it. It's just great - I have nothing to review. Good job - I just wanted to say that.
Ofir

This is a great poem. The title really drew me in, but I like how it's not about the perfect couple in the library and is instead about these strong, vibrant people butting heads.

You've had some awesome reviews already, so I can really only add in my two cents.

Flip-flops smack against heels.

I would suggest that you hyphen that because it was something I stumbled over during my first read through, and I had to start the poem again.

Look at me, she begs, leaning across the desk

I think that this line needs an ending punctuation, because at first I thought it was an action instead of dialogue. But, now that I read it again, I can kind of see it as dialogue, but only if it has some sort of stop before the next line of action.

He feels the heat of her stare, knows he's won

I love this line; the line where you realize that he does know what he's doing. And I like how it kind of connects with the title, but it's still all so unexpected.

All in all, it's a great poem, especially if you follow the previous reviewers' advice. I really enjoyed it.

- Tatra

You've got some really detailed reviews, but I just wanted to add how much I love this because it seems so different. The style and the voice are just a lot different than I'm used to reading, but it makes the poem a lot more interested. I'm excited to see what else you can do with it in poetry!