Young Writers Society

Ok, so I am really struggling to continue this. Everyone wants more drama in it and I am trying but it's not really working. I am going to finish up the first night in this chapter and give you a glimpse of her real life.

I glance up at him trying to figure out what just happened. Did he really just kiss me? Could he possibly like me? My mind feels like mush and all I can think is that I want more. I want more of him, more of his body pressed against me. I want his lips locked tightly to mine, I want his hands to explore my body and make me feel like someone finally loves me. I know this will never happen though. I know there is no reason for him to like someone like me. Could he prove me wrong though? As if answering the questions in my head, he leans in for more.

I can't wrap my mind around all of this. I can feel his tongue tracing lines on my lips, and in turn I trace the inside of his mouth. My tongue curves around his as our lips form together, and I can't help but feel we are perfect for each other. My body presses closer to his, and his hands reach behind me and form to my back. As they slide lower I can feel the heat forming between us. My hands slide slowly up his shirt, and our mouths break apart as his lips sink down to my throat. To make up for my mouth being freed, I start to work with my hands. I slip them out of his shirt and work my way to his jeans. I feel the metal button between my fingers, and I start to unbutton it. He quickly moves his mouth to my ear and starts to whisper.

"Not tonight Bree."

He sees the pain written on my face as he breaks away from me.

"I'm not like that Bree, and you shouldn't be either if you are the Christian you say you are."

The word, Christian reminds me of what I have to do tomorrow.

"Speaking of Christians, I have church tomorrow." "What time is it?"

He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a phone.

"It's three o'clock," he replies.

"O no!" "I need to get home, I won't be able to function in church tomorrow!"

"Ok."

Before I know it we are in the car again, as if nothing ever happened. If Clark is curious about what happened, he doesn't show it, but I'm sure that he will find out about it later. My mind runs over what just happened and a smile runs over my face. I wonder if this means that he will finally ask me out? Or maybe he was just using me for the moment. Oh well, at least I finally got to feel his lips on mine. That makes this whole night worth it. My thoughts redirect as I see my house in the distance. He stops the car to let me out, and I simply thank them for taking me. As I step out into the shadows wonder if my parents woke up in my absence. I walk up to the front door and remove the key from my pocket. Easing the door open I tip-toe into the house, locking the door behind me. Slipping back into the hallway to my room I stop by the bathroom before returning to my bedroom. I slip into some shorts and a t-shirt, and crawl into bed. I realize quickly how exhausted I am, and quickly drift off to sleep.



I will write more later, it will probably be in this post, I don't know yet. Well hope you liked it.

I glance up at him trying to figure out what just happened. Did he really just kiss me? Could he possibly like me? My mind feels like mush and all I can think is that I want more. I want more of him, more of his body pressed against me. I want his lips locked tightly to mine, I want his hands to explore my body and make me feel like someone finally loves me. I know this will never happen though. I know there is no reason for him to like someone like me. Could he prove me wrong though? As if answering the questions in my head, he leans in for more. Ok, so it seemed like he was her boyfriend. All of the little looks they gave each other and things like that. I think that you need to clarify that he isn't her boyfriend.

I can't wrap my mind around all of this. I can feel his tongue tracing lines on my lips, and in turn I trace the inside of his mouth. My tongue curves around his as our lips form together, and I can't help but feel we are perfect for each other. My body presses closer to his, and his hands reach behind me and form to my back. As they slide lower I can feel the heat forming between us. My hands slide slowly up his shirt, and our mouths break apart as his lips sink down to my throat. To make up for my mouth being freed, I start to work with my hands. I slip them out of his shirt and work my way to his jeans. I feel the metal button between my fingers, and I start to unbutton it. He quickly moves his mouth to my ear and starts to whisper. You say form a few times in this paragraph alone. One of them needs to be replaced. In my opinion, it should be the one in the third sentence because it seems wierd to say that their lips formed together.

"Not tonight Bree."

He sees the pain written on my face as he breaks away from me.

"I'm not like that Bree, and you shouldn't be either if you are the Christian you say you are."

The word, Christian reminds me of what I have to do tomorrow. First, these last four sentences could be just one paragraph, and seriously why would he be worried about being Christian when he was just doing drugs, and about to go vandalize? Shouldn't he have thought about 'being Christian' when he was smoking with her?

"Speaking of Christians, I have church tomorrow. What time is it?" You don't need to have double quotes when it's only one person speaking. Also, I think you should have a dialogue tag here instead of in the next dialogue part, but you can keep that there since it's fine as it is.

He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a phone.

"It's three o'clock," he replies.

"Oh, no! I need to get home. I won't be able to function in church tomorrow!"

"Ok."

Before I know it we are in the car again, as if nothing ever happened. If Clark is curious about what happened, he doesn't show it, but I'm sure that he will find out about it later. My mind runs over what just happened and a smile runs over my face. You use the word 'runs' twice in this sentence. I wonder if this means that he will finally ask me out. Or maybe he was just using me for the moment. Oh well, at least I finally got to feel his lips on mine. That makes this whole night worth it. My thoughts redirect as I see my house in the distance. He stops the car to let me out, and I simply thank them for taking me. As I step out into the shadows, I wonder if my parents woke up in my absence. I walk up to the front door and remove the key from my pocket. Easing the door open I tip-toe into the house, locking the door behind me. Slipping back into the hallway to my room, I stop by the bathroom before returning to my bedroom. I slip into some shorts and a t-shirt, and crawl into bed. I realize quickly how exhausted I am, and quickly drift off to sleep.

The way you space your paragraphs is odd. You space them out so it's dialogue then a sentence then dialogue, etc. The only time you really do have paragraphs is when there is some narrative going on. Also, with the quotation marks, you only need one set for every time a person talks. This didn't seem to be a problem in previous chapters besides part 4. A part that really annoyed me was when they were all of a sudden worried about being a good Christian and waking up in enough time to be at Church on time. It just seemed rediculously random. Something else I noticed was that you seem to repeat a lot of the same words with very little space between them. It gets repetitive quickly. I was liking the story before, but when they brought up Church after all the bad things that they did it seemed rediculous. I definetly think that that part needs a bit of a rewrite.

Always,
~Danie

Hey, Flower. So, I'm exhausted this morning. I'm not exactly sure why but I want to go back to sleep, really bad. But I can't and so I am here and off to your review.

I am really struggling to continue this.

My suggestion, clump a few of your chapters together. They are so short and don't have much going on that you can do that right now. I personally enjoy long chapters with lots going on. Up to you.

My mind feels like mush

Really? Mush? Granted, it's over used and the definition is well known but do we really know what it means? How about she feels light headed, excited, hows the heart?

Could he prove me wrong though?

I'm not feeling the 'though' at the end there.

As if answering the questions in my head, he leans in for more.

Er, what was he doing before? Staring off into space? Although you give us a great entry into her mind, what the is going on around her?

He quickly moves his mouth to my ear and starts to whisper.

Merh? Besides using 'quickly' about forty times in this chapter, I think it would be reasonable to say that at first he'd freeze, grasping the fact that she's going for his pants, maybe even a small intake of breath, then he'd whisper.

"Not tonight Bree."

Another address without a comma. When addressing someone, you need commas. Okay, Flower? Flower, do you understand? I hope you understand this, Flower, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

He sees the pain written on my face as he breaks away from me.

But we didn't? When did she become all sad? Have her frown or something. Have her thinking, oh crap I must have done something wrong. How's that heart?

if you are the Christian you say you are."

(Lost my train of thought due to fan breaking....did I mention how hot today is?) Oh, right. Christians. Hmm, getting high, that's not a part of the religion I presume? So, either he is making fun of her and therefore that should be stated that he had a teasing voice or a evil grin on his face, or you have some guilt writing to do in former chapters.

"Speaking of Christians, I have church tomorrow." "What time is it?"

Do teens usually say something like this? I'd think more like "Ugh, that reminds me. I have to go to church tomorrow." I paused and felt my pockets for a phone that wasn't there. "What time is it?"

He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a phone.

No comma, and it wouldn't be a phone, but his phone?

"O no!" "I need to get home, I won't be able to function in church tomorrow!"

There is an H in oh. And what is with the separated quotes?

Before I know it we are in the car again, as if nothing ever happened.

Meh, I think it'd be cute if he looked at her through the mirror and smiled at her. That'd be romantic.

My mind runs over what just happened and a smile runs

Use. A. THESARUOUS!

I wonder if this means that he will finally ask me out?

This wouldn't have a question mark at the end.

I realize quickly how exhausted I am, and quickly drift off to sleep.

[/quote]
Seriously?


-You have a serious problem with repetition of words. My suggestion is just that you take both out, use a thesaurus and find good, mature words to use.
-Your dialog and quotation marks aren't up to snuff. You need more tags of how people are saying things and expressions on their face. As well as stop doing that double quote thing. I don't know why you do it, I've never seen it done before.
-Again, as I stated before, not much really went on except a conclusion of her night. Therefore, on your computer, do not break them up into chapters and just have it one short story. Kay?
-I would like to see more expressions and heart beats and feelings. We get that she assumes, figures, and tells. But We don't actually see it.

Keep practicing.

I'm ashamed to say, but both reviews before me have pointed out pretty much everything I had in mind. They're pretty good reviews, try to get the best from them ^^

As about everybody wanting more drama and so on. Honestly, if you'd force yourself too much to do something in a work or rush it, it's bound to end up not great. You also should take in the fact that all people are different and everybody sees something different they think the work lacks. Just be yourself and write with your own style you'll figure out after writing many works and trying to take the best you think the review has to offer you.

Also, no idea if it would help you, but a tip from my own way of writing = Write down your chapter first from your mind. Once you have it, open a new document and rewrite it. You'd realize that there are times when you add something and change it a bit. The thing is, the very first version you write down is always a bit odd as it's your first thoughts. When you rewrite it, your more collected thoughts will change it a bit and make it into a better version. It might be not really like that for you, but I honestly believe that rewriting the piece some time later helps a lot ( F.e. I write my chapter while at school, when I come home I rewrite it on PC, thus automatically changing it a bit. What you see me post on YWS is already a rewritten version, which lately needed just a bit grammar fixes and that was it. )

I think that there's some break needed between finishing your first version and the 'rewriting', because when you finish it and for some time just go away and think about what you've just written, you might get some ideas and thoughts you'd like to apply and you certainly will while rewriting.

It might consume a lot of time, but in the end you might give us a version most of us would like to read and give you a positive review.

Keep writing and good luck!
Kyou

Heya Flower

Here to review as requested! You've already got some nice, helpful reviews, but I'll try my best to find something that hasn't already been mentioned. If there's something that's already been said, but needs to be emphasized, I'll point that out too.

I glance up at him, trying to figure out what just happened.

I want his lips locked tightly to mine, I want his hands to explore my body and make me feel like someone finally loves me.

This was worded a bit awkwardly to me. I think that you should consider rephrasing it, simply so that the flows sounds better.

I know that there is no reason for him to like someone like me.

He must somewhat like her considering he's kissed her.

I can feel his tongue tracing lines on my lips, and in turn, I trace the inside of his mouth.

As they slide lower, I can feel the heat forming between us.

"Not tonight, Bree."

The word, Christian reminds me of what I have to do tomorrow.

You don't need the comma that I highlighted in red.

"Speaking of Christians, I have church tomorrow." "What time is it?"

You don't need the third pair of speech marks here because the same person is talking.

He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a phone.

You don't need this comma here! Remember, there doesn't have to be a comma before every single 'but' and 'and'.

"O no!" "I need to get home, I won't be able to function in church tomorrow!"

Once again, you don't need the extra pair of speech marks here. Just because your character is starting a new sentence within the dialogue, it doesn't mean that you have to close and open a new pair of speech marks, simply because there is a new sentence.

"Okay."

Okay is always better than OK.

Before I know, it we are in the car again. It's as if nothing ever happened.

Hmm... I'd like to know what happened between the time that your characters were kissing and when they were in the car. How did they get to the car? Did they chat on the way? Did they feel awkward? Don't feel as though you have to rush everything. Take some time to describe things.

That makes this whole night worth it. My thoughts redirect as I see my house in the distance. He stops the car to let me out, and I simply thank them for taking me.

I think that this part should start off as a new paragraph. Plus, you don't need the comma that I highlighted in red.

As I step out into the shadows, I wonder if my parents woke up in my absence.

I walk up to the front door and remove the key from my pocket. Easing the door open, I tip-toe into the house, locking the door behind me.

Slipping back into the hallway to my room, I stop by the bathroom before returning to my bedroom.

The part that I cut out here, I didn't really find necessary. I think that you should get rid of it, it interrupts the flow of the story, in my opinion.

I slip into some shorts, anda t-shirt, and crawl into bed.

Overall

You haven't actually written all that much, therefore, there isn't an awful lot for me to critique. I will mention the things that I think you could improve on though. As a whole, your grammar wasn't too bad. I have definitely seen worse, that is for sure. I did notice that you had a few hiccups on where and how to use commas, but don't worry, I myself struggle with using commas correctly. All of the comma errors that I did notice in this, I corrected for you. When it comes to your spelling, I didn't find any spelling mistakes, so well done for that! I do think that you could vary your vocabulary a bit more though. When it comes to your characters, they were okay. It's just that I don't really feel connected to them. I'm not really feeling their emotions all that much. I get the idea that Bree is very fond of Clark, but that's about it. The real problem, I think, is that you're telling and not showing. I'll go into more detail on that later on. I haven't read all of the chapters before this, so I can't really comment on the plot of it or the theme of it. Not properly, anyway.

My main critique about this is probably the fact that you seem to be telling and not showing. By that, I mean that you're telling us how your characters are feeling, but not showing us. For example, you're telling us that Bree is happy after kissing Clark. You need to show us that! You need to show us how her heart is beating in time with his, how her mind is spinning with excitement. I would also like to hear some more descriptions in this because, right now, this feels a bit rushed to me. I'll go into a bit more detail about that later on. Descriptions are the things that set the mood. By setting the mood, you show us how your characters are feeling and what is happening, not tell us. Am I making sense? If you still don't understand, send me a PM and ask me to describe this whole show and tell thing in a bit more detail. Actually, come to think of it, there is bound to be a good thread here on YWS somewhere that gives advice on show and tell. There might even be some effective and helpful blog posts on showing and telling. You should definitely have a look around the site and see what you can find.

My other critique is the fact that I feel that this is moving a bit too fast. Like I've already mentioned, you need to tell us what is happening all of the time. The car journey, for example, when Clark and Bree were suddenly in the car. How did they get there? Speaking of the car, what did they do while in there? Did they have the stereo on? If so, what song? Things like this are important because things like songs can set the mood in a story. Without giving it much thought, the music that is playing, the weather outside, the smells around your characters, and things like that don't matter. They do matter though, trust me! Like many people say, the simple things in life are best. The simplest, most subtle descriptions are the ones that really set the atmosphere. When a story feels rushed, it is almost impossible for the reader to feel the atmosphere of the writing. Another negative thing about making a story feel rushed is the fact that it simply disrupts the flow of it. The flow in a story is much more important than a lot of people think. When the flow sounds and feels awkward, it puts the reader off reading the writing.

All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. Once you've done that, you should edit this chapter a bit and see what you get. With any luck, this will be even better then. Basically, you need to slow things down a bit, fix all of the grammar errors, show not tell, use more varied vocabulary and portray your characters emotions a bit better. If you do that, you will definitely have a really good piece of writing here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Wow! So, you've already gotten some pretty in-depth critiques. Hopefully I can still be of help. ^_^

As I think you've heard before, too-fast pacing is becoming a problem for you. If I'm being honest, the best way to fix this is to read every book you can get your hands on and watch how the experienced authors proceed from scene to scene, however they structure their plot arcs and major events. But that takes time, I know, so for now check out this article on pacing by Rosey.

My next suggestion is to outline, at least a little. Figure out where you want this to go, what you want to happen, how you want to end. Where is your climax? Find the climax, and outline up to that point. If you can structure out the path to getting there, actually getting there will be easier. Make sure you explore each scene thoroughly. This is a really short chapter, because not much happens, but it's still important. Conversation, description-- this will add depth to your scenes. Right now they're all flashing past, and I can't tell what's supposed to be important to the story. Don't be afraid to slow down.

Your characters are just kind of there. Granted, I've only skimmed the other parts, but I can pretty much tell that they're not too developed. Bree seems like your typical, infatuated, "no-way-he-could-ever-love-me-back" kind of girl, family troubles, etc. She's kind of naval-grazing, meaning that she doesn't seem to notice anything besides herself, what she's feeling, and whatever matters to her exactly at that point. Clark is ever-unattainable and chaste, which I've seen before. I don't feel like I know these people; have them react more to the world around them. Show these people interacting.

Lastly, I'm not sure what this story is about, and that's a problem. It's part five and I can't tell what story you're trying to tell. Forgetting? It's vague, and doesn't tell me much. I'm afraid this is going to spiral into Bree's self-obsession, clichéd teen angst story-- but that's totally avoidable! Figure out what you're trying to say, and say it. Ever word, every chapter, should be there to tell this story, yet right now it's kind of wandering all over the place instead of walking towards the end. Keep your eyes on the prize! Know your plot, know your climax, know your characters, and remember where you're going. A distracted story is a boring story.

You definitely have potential, Flower. If this seems harsh, it's only because I want to help you become a better writer. In a way, I agree with Kyou that the most important thing right now is to write the story! There will be time for editing later-- for now you need to write this story and figure out where it's going, what it's trying to say.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

EDIT: Moved to Romantic Novels, along with the other chapters of Forgetting.

Hi, Flower! Sorry you've had to wait for so long!

So, as you know, this wasn't very long and I haven't read the other parts, so I was reading this with no previous info about the story.

as his lips sink down to my throat.

o__O What? First of all, I'm sure that's not physically possible, secondly, it's very creepy if it is, and thirdly, I think you just had a temporary thought freeze or then this is a Freudian slip.

He quickly moves his mouth to my ear and starts to whisper.

Is the bolded part really necessary? Seeing as he moves his mouth closer to her ear, we're automatically assuming he's going to say something. Plus, we're proven right at the very next line. I say scratch the bolded part.


Granted, this is a very short chapter, but I'm assuming that there's not much in this story for someone who doesn't like romance? You seem to describe that boy-girl interaction quite well and with many details, but what about the other side? Of course, I should read more of this to form my opinion properly, but I'm not sure if I would pick this book up after reading just one chapter.

Also, you probably didn't do that on purpose, but there was some (seemingly) unintentional comedy about how they're all over each other at first and then the guy says "We can't do this, you're Christian" or something of the sort. It just seems... blunt, and when you think about it, it's quite funny. I'm sure it's just me, though.

Mm, I don't know if I was of any help. But just PM me if you have any questions!


Demeter
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