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Young Writers Society


My Falling Sun (Ch. 2, pt.1)



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Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:45 pm
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LittlePrincess says...



So this is Chapter two. A little summary: The main character, Sophie is going to her boyfriend, Kevin's beach house. Along with them is his best friend, Tristan, his brother, Ethan, her best friend (and Ethans girlfriend), Anna, and Kevins parents.

It was almost one when we pulled into the gravel driveway. “We’re here!” Mr. Mahoney announced excitedly, causing Kevin to jolt awake and look around. The beach house was big and the panels were white with grey speckles. In front of it was a sprawling, neatly cut, green lawn with a stone path leading from the driveway to the white front door. We climbed out of the car and I was immediately confronted with the sharp smell of salt water. Even from here I could hear the beach.

“How close are we to the water?” I asked Kevin, who, instead of answering, led me around to the side of the house. There was a drop and a little sandy path and there was the glimmering ocean, stretching for miles. My stomach flipped and I squeezed his hand, I was so excited.

Mr. Mahoney led the way into the house, it was decorated quaintly, with seashell wallpaper and a starfish clock; furnishing I could only assume had been done by Mrs. Mahoney. We marched through the living room, past the kitchen and then the porch, which had a beautiful view of the water. Mr. Mahoney led us upstairs. There were four bedrooms upstairs (Mr. and Mrs. Mahoney slept downstairs) and we were each appointed to our own room, only Kevin and Ethan had to share.

I dropped my suitcase and lay flat on the adorable coral bed, staring at the sky blue ceiling. On one wall there were two big glass windows, out of which I could see the beautiful ocean.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. “Come in,” I called. Anna opened the door and scurried across the rug before plopping herself next to me on the bed.

“Is this great or what!” She gushed. “It’s beautiful here.” She added glancing out the big window.

“It is beautiful,” I agreed in reverence.

There was another knock on the door and Mrs. Mahoney popped in, “Would you girls like lunch?” She asked pleasantly.

“Yes, please,” We replied in unison, hopping off the bed and following her down stairs. We joined the boys on the porch while Mr. Mahoney made grilled cheese. Tristan and Kevin were sitting on a white wicker couch with blue and green striped cushions that seemed to match the room perfectly. I sat next to Kevin who put his arm around me, Tristan smiled in greeting and I smiled back.

“Well anyway, Ethan,” Kevin was saying, while Anna settled herself next to his brother. “The year the Walsh’s dog bit you was not the same year we had the thunderstorm and lost power because by then their dog was dead, and I know that because they had gotten that new yappy dog who barked the entire time we had no power.” Kevin finished matter-of-factly.

Ethan explained his idea of the story and why he thought the two events happened the same year and he and Kevin continued to argue. I looked around the spacious porch and into the green backyard. There was a little picnic table and a fire pit. There was a hammock sitting between trees and there was a little path leading down to the beach. I felt so at peace and even more connected with Kevin. I mean, he had grown up here, had spent every summer in this house since he was five, and he had so many memories here. That’s why this place was perfect
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince
  





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Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:18 pm
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Way2Dawn says...



Another fine write Princess. I think you did a good job further drawing my attention into the young couples sadly its seems to perfect and a bit cliche, yet as I said before romantic novels aren't for me. However you got me hooked and I will continue reading future chapters.
Keep it up and ill continue reading !
-Dawn
C.Mejia
  





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Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:36 pm
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LittlePrincess says...



oh i'm glad you liked it :)
I agree it is cliche and I would rather stray away from that but it's too late.
I'll hopefully get the next part up later today. thank you for reading :)
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince
  





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Tue Jun 22, 2010 8:46 pm
servant4christ says...



Hey this is a great story!!! I am very much impressed, I enjoy all the descriptions you gave, This story means alot to me to because I know someone who is going through the same thing Sophie is going through :) Nice work!
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...
  





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Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:05 pm
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GeeLyria says...



This story is awesome... I think Tristan is in love with Sophie, right? :wink:

So this is Chapter two. A little summary: The main character, Sophie is going to her boyfriend, Kevin's beach house. Along with them is his best friend, Tristan, his brother, Ethan, her best friend (and Ethans girlfriend), Anna, and Kevins parents.

So, I would've put this on italic, because it's like a note. ...her best friend (and Ethan's girlfriend), Anna, and Kevin's parents.

It was almost one when we pulled into the gravel driveway.

It was almost one, when we pulled into the gravel driveway.

The beach house was big and the panels were white with grey speckles.

The beach house was big and the panels were white with gray speckles.

“The year the Walsh’s dog bit you was not the same year we had the thunderstorm and lost power because by then their dog was dead, and I know that because they had gotten that new yappy dog who barked the entire time we had no power.” Kevin finished matter-of-factly.

"The year the Walsh's dog bit you was not the same year we had the thunderstorm and lost power, because by then their dog was dead, and I know that because they had gotten that new happy dog who barked the entire time we had no power.

The year was Walsh's dog bit you was not the same year we had the thunderstorn

The year was Walsh's dog bit you was not the same year we had the thunderstorm.

That’s why this place was perfect

You forgot the period.
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:37 pm
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Sins says...



'Tis me again. :xd:

Like in my previous review on the first chapter, this review will be rather brief and I'll just get straight to the point. I'm hoping to finish all of my reviews on this by the end of the day, by the way, considering I made you wait so long for them! I have lots of spare time on my hands now, so I should be able to do that fine.

This chapter was pretty good. I preferred the first one, but this one is definitely a nice read. The descriptions in this are still my favourite things. I used to struggle awfully with showing and not telling; it is a really hard thing to grasp when writing. Thankfully, I actually get complimented now for showing things well. Unlike me, you don't seem to have problems with telling and not showing, so really well done for that. I also still like your characters. They feel a bit stiff at the moment, but I won't hassle you about that because this is only the second chapter, after all. You have plenty of time to give your characters some bigger and brighter personalities. Also, like I said in the first review, the voice of your MC is very nice. It's not awkward to read at all and it's rather entertaining.

My critiques for this chapter are quite similar to the ones in your previous chapter. It's still rather cliché, but like I said before, I think that cliché is fine. Well, it's fine as long as you make it an interesting cliché with many twists and turns to the plot. I still think that this is slightly predictable though as of to what will happen. One thing that I would suggest is to maybe mention how much in love Sophie is with Kevin for the first few chapters. I don't think that you should mention Tristan as much as you do, maybe? Just make it a bit less obvious that Sophie and Tristan are going to fall for each other. I can't say much though... one of the stories that I'm writing right now is actually quite similar to this one, love wise. That's why I'm not being so strict on the predictability thing. :lol: My only other negative comment is probably your grammar. I've noticed that you're grammar isn't overly amazing. It's not terrible or anything, but there is definitely space for improvement!
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Tue Aug 03, 2010 1:59 am
Torigirl15 says...



I really like this chapter because it really shows that these characters have history together! that's alway something i look for, that relationships need to have backbone to them. I know I probably said something like this for chapter one, but putting memories of past events in there just makes everything more personal .
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On
  








“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind