Young Writers Society

Words tumble out
placing wounds where they hurt the most;
Welcome to Hell,
it seems I shall be your host

Beware of the all demons
They trick you down to where there's no light
Catty, mean and snobby
nothing you say or do is right

Laughter between each insult
Where your heart should be, there's a deep black hole
You'll do anything to get out of Hell
The Devil wants one thing, the most precious, your soul

The negotiations are pointless
The Devil doesn't waste his time
You'll do anything to be like them
Instead of punishment, reward comes from the crime

Now your just like them
Plastic, perfect, pretty and fake
The Devil got you out of hell now,
done a road most my visitors take

But now don't you see
the "perfection" you seem to achieve
Its superficial, the Devil lied

Your stuck in Hell forever now, your never going to leave.

~*~

This came to me when I was on the subway and saw the sign thing for Hell's Kitchen.

Hi! Here to review as requested! OK, so I'll probably suck at this, but here are some things I've noticed:

jasminebells wrote:Words tumble out
placing wounds where they hurt the most;
Welcome to Hell,
it seems I shall be your host

Beware of the all demons Did you mean "the all"? Something tells me you wanted "all the".
They trick you down to where there's no light
Catty, mean and snobby
nothing you say or do is right

Laughter between each insult I like this.
Where your heart should be, there's a deep black hole
You'll do anything to get out of Hell
The Devil wants one thing, the most precious, your soul

The negotiations are pointless
The Devil doesn't waste his time
You'll do anything to be like them
Instead of punishment, reward comes from the crime

Now your just like them
Plastic, perfect, pretty and fake
The Devil got you out of hell now,
done a road most my visitors take I think you mean "down" instead of "done". Also, I think this would flow better if you inserted "of" in between "most" and "my".

But now don't you see
the "perfection" you seem to achieve
Its superficial, the Devil lied
Your stuck in Hell forever now, your never going to leave. I like this line.

OK, so overall I think this is good. One thing I noticed is that your rhythm can be off a little sometimes. I didn't point it all out as I would probably only hinder, but having someone familiar with poetry could really help. I like the idea and the composition. I also like how it shows the Devil's trickery, getting people stuck in Hell.

I can't really say much more; I already told you, I'm not too familiar with poetry. But for someone who only knows what they like, not what they like about it, I like this. Keep writing.

loveness, ultraviolet

I'd just like to let you know that I really liked this poem, espcially the way you used color to separete statements that were connected at the same time, if that makes any sense. My favorite line would have to be the first two. It's a very intriguing statement that brought a few cool images to mind.
I'm pretty sure ultraviolet caught all the grammar mistakes.
Overall, it was very interesting to read and try to figure out, and I have to say I love how you got the inspiration;) Well nice work! Keep writing!

-Kate

Hello there jasminebells!

Now your just like them

Your stuck in Hell forever now, your never going to leave.

All three of these "your"s should really be "you're" as in the contraction "you are".
The other grammatical issues and type-ohs and such seem to have already been addressed by other readers.

And I have to agree with ultraviolet.
That last line was wonderful. It just... I don't even know. It hits you like a brick and sums up the piece nicely.

Like the poem.
a lot. :]
toodles!!
~emerley

Heya jas.
Skins here to review as requested. Poetry isn't my strong point, but I'll try my best to give you a worthy review. Also, sorry if I repeat something that's already been said. haven't read over the other reviews... merely skimmed them. I'm lazy like that.

Words tumble out,
placing wounds where they hurt the most;
welcome to Hell,
it seems I shall be your host.
This was a pretty good opening. My only critique about it is the last line. To me, something feels rather 'off' about it. I can't quite put my finger on it though, sorry. I think that it might be because of the amount of syllables. The amount that you've got now sounds kind of awkward to me, I think.

Beware of the all demons,
they trick you down to where there's no light.
Catty, mean and snobby;
nothing you say or do is right.
I'm beginning to notice that your grammar is a bit dodgy. What you have to remember is that the grammar in a poem is no different to the grammar in any other piece of writing. When a sentence ends, there must be a period. After the period, there must be a capital letter. The same goes for any other grammar mark; they're the same in any piece of writing.

Laughter between each insult.
Where your heart should be, there's a deep black hole.
You'll do anything to get out of Hell;
the Devil wants one thing, the most precious, your soul.
Once again, I wasn't too sure about the last line in this stanza. It feels as though there is a word missing in the part that I've highlighted in red. I'm not sure really... hmm...

The negotiations are pointless,
the Devil doesn't waste his time.
You'll do anything to be like them.
Instead of punishment, reward comes from the crime.
This is my favourite stanza so far. None of the lines sounded awkward and I liked your phrasing. I especially liked the last line.

Now you're just like them;
plastic, perfect, pretty and fake.
The Devil got you out of hell now,
down a road most of my visitors take.
I wasn't too sure about what you were trying to say in the second few lines of this. I think that you might have had some typos, that's probably why. I've corrected it to what I think you were trying to say.

But now don't you see,
the "perfection" you seem to achieve?
Its superficial; the Devil lied.

You're stuck in Hell forever now, you're never going to leave.

Overall

This poem was pretty good. I liked the concept of it as a whole, it was pretty original and I think that you portrayed it rather well. That's something I've noticed about your poems, Jas, you come up with some very good ideas for them. You also had some very nice lines in here as well, in my opinion. I agree with what the other reviewers have said, one of my favourite lines in this was the last one. If you ask me, it was a very good ending that summed up your poem well. Although your grammar wasn't that perfect, you spelt everything right. You did as far as I could tell, anyway. I'm not the best speller in the word though...

My main critique is about your grammar. What you seem to forget is that the grammar in a poem is actually the same as the grammar in any other piece of writing. Like I said before, when a sentence ends, there is a period at the end. You also use commas the same way as you would in any other piece of writing. Use the commas to give the reader a chance to breathe. I've corrected the areas where I thought that you used your grammar incorrectly. What might help you with your grammar is if, when you write your poem, you don't actually write it in a poem format. Write it as you would write a story. If you do that, you should naturally use the grammar correctly. After you've written it out, you should then write it in more of a poetry format. That's just a suggestion.

My only other critique is the fact that I sometimes find that the rhythm of your poem is a bit 'off'. Because the rhythm isn't all that good, it disrupts the flow of the poem. The flow of a poem is actually a lot more important than most people seem to think. I think that the reason behind the awkward rhythm in your poem is the amount of syllables you use in the lines. I'm not entirely sure though, I'm no good with poetry. What you should do is, when you've finished your poem, read over it carefully and say it out loud. By doing that, you should be able to spot the areas where the flow and the rhythm of it doesn't quite sound right. Once you've figured out where the awkward flow is, you should be able to fix the shabby areas.

Keep writing!

xoxo Rhian

Thanks Rhian

Hey there! Okay so I stink at reviewing poetry, so bear with me.

Quotes and Comments

You have such a strong beginning, but then you get softer as you go along. It seems like you are an adult speaking in the beginning, and then your age lowers as you continue. Let me give you an example here…

They trick you down to where there's no light

Plastic, perfect, pretty and fake

So you seem to be basically saying the same thing here, yet they are told through two different perspectives. The first one sounds like an adult, the second one sounds like a teenager, and something out of Mean Girls. Of course one probably wouldn't notice this unless going into depth, so you might not think that it's a big problem, but to me it's a bit confusing. Just try to figure out who your speaker is, and you should be fine!

Words tumble out
placing wounds where they hurt the most;

You did an amazing job with the beginning. I like how you started off by introducing a subject that isn't directly related to your title, then eased into the part about how life - or whatever you're talking about, we'll get to that later - is like hell. These lines are just simply poetic and beautiful. It's saying that your words hurt me, but in an indirect, peaceful way. In fact, the way you say this makes it sound like your speaker doesn't really care about the words at all, but instead just wants to let the other person know that what they say is hurting them. Great job!

it seems I shall be your host

This just gives off the perfect tone: Innocent yet serious. Like: I'm going to kick your butt, but I'll do it while being classy and sophisticated, instead of you who does it like a slob and an ignorant child.

Beware of the all demons

So I was a tad bit confused by this one. In this poem, it seems as if you're talking about a person trying to beat down the other person. It sounds like the 'hell' is a high school, or life in general. But, I'm not quite sure what the demons are. I can guess that they might be society. I would say it clearer what they are, and what they really do to the person, instead of why. We already know why they do it, from living life ourselves. We need to know what, or we will never understand why your speaker is thinking like this.

Where your heart should be, there's a deep black hole

So, I hate to say it, but I don't like this at all. You're speaking of hell, the entire extended metaphor is hell, I mean it's even in the title! However, somehow you are now talking about space. I realize that this may not seem important, but when you're writing something on an extended metaphor, it's important to keep to that, and only to that, metaphor. I suggest changing 'deep black hole' into something related to hell. Maybe it could be fire there or something like that?

The Devil wants one thing, the most precious, your soul

This is just an awkward line. There are far too many syllables and words more than all of your other lines. I would suggest shortening it. Plus, I think it would sound better as 'He' instead of 'The Devil' anyways. You mention the Devil earlier and later on in your poem, so we can assume that every 'He' will be Devil. In fact, it should already be assumed because your poem is about Hell! I would also consider taking out 'the most precious'. I mean, you're talking about someone who is plastic and laughs at every insult, therefore shouldn't you be speaking of their soul as if it is a bad thing? If you are going to say that the soul is precious, at least say that the Devil thinks that it is the most precious. How it is now, it seems like the person who's soul is being taken is pure and worth something, which it obviously isn't, at least to your speaker.

Overall

I think this is a really cool poem! Your words are very poetic and beautiful. I'm not usually a fan of poetry, or reviewing it for that matter, but this really stuck, and was fun to read. I think your metaphor is perfect for society and possibly teen drama.

It does make me a bit sad that I don't know what you are actually talking about in this. Like said above, it sounds like you are speaking about two different worlds - the adult world and the teenage world. I guess it could be that you made it sound like both worlds are similar, and don't think you can escape it just because you grow up, but I doubt it. I am steering more towards teen issues, just because you are a teenager and that would make much more sense. So if you do a rewrite, make sure that your speaker's voice portrays the voice that you want it to!

Keep writing,

Sam.

Thanks classy. I literally laughed out loud when you wrote ' I'm going to kick your butt, but I'll do it while being classy and sophisticated, instead of you who does it like a slob and an ignorant child'. That was really funny

Oh, you almost hit the right spot. I was comparing hell to high school and saying how they aren't that different. I'll probably re-write it a little so the rhythm is perfect because now that I'm reading it, I notice that it is a problem.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

Overall, I liked this poem. I loved your word-choice.

One thing I would watch though, would be how you place your words. Some of your poem was a bit confusing.

Another thing that I liked was the images that I got while reading. It kinda freaked me a bit.

Good work!

^ Thanks

OK, so I saw how long this was on the, what would you call it, top 5 thing. So I decided to read it. I have to say that I thought it would be something completely different than what it was, considering the title. But the title works, don't get me wrong, I was just expecting something else.

I'm not a big fan of these things anyway, so don't take it badly when I say that yours didn't completely catch my eye. It was interesting, a very unique subject with a good choice of words. But I found myself getting lost and a bit confused. The rhythm was a bit, well, off at times. And I don't exactly understand the red writing, unless it was someone else talking, but who?

The negotiations are pointless
The Devil doesn't waste his time
You'll do anything to be like them
Instead of punishment, reward comes from the crime

So, in the red, it seems like something you would most likely say, not the person who is saying it, if that makes sense, which I doubt it does. And then in a previous sentence, the writing in red was referring to you, or to me, however you were trying to make it sound, as "you". Well, actually, they said "You'll", but you know what I'm getting at. And then you, or me, referred to yourself, or myself, again as you'll? Wow, that's really confusing to read. All I'm saying is that maybe you should switch the two and make it

You'll do anything to be like them
Instead of punishment, reward comes from the crime
The negotiations are pointless
The Devil doesn't waste his time

Or something like that, but what do I know, I'm probably crazy!

But that's really it. So... Thanks for listening, it was a good poem, and sorry for the confusing paragraph where I found myself even dosing off =]

^ Lol, the red was the Hell parts and the black was the high school parts. In the end we realize they are the same.

That makes soooo much more sense! I kind of saw the ties between high school, but I thought it was just part of my imagination Apparently, not! It really is a good poem and I'm sorry that my review was so freaking confusing! I even reread and was like, "What the heck?"

LOL. I quite literally laughed out loud at that. I don't think it was meant to be funny but I started laughing regardless. I don't know why. I'm in a realllly weird mood. xD I'm happy you understand my poem now and your review wasn'tthat confusing. Well. Ok, it was a little confusing but I understood it .


~Jasmine

Woo Jas I actually really enjoyed this, the rhyme I didn't mind at all and the concept I found really interesting. I don't know if I would have understood that it was about highschool if I hadn't skimmed over the comments though. I think if you added a few more hints to that it would really blossom. I liked the structure you have to it and you did a pretty good job on this one *thumbs up*
One little thing I caught though.

Now your just like them
Plastic, perfect, pretty and fake
The Devil got you out of hell now,
downa road most my visitors take

Keep writing!

~Hope