Young Writers Society

Click here for Draft #2, people liked it.

I was alone in one of the most beautiful squares of my country. Waiting for my mom, because she was at work and we were going to buy my Prom Dance dress. I sat on the fountain to eat a big chocolate ice cream, and a pigeon sat next to me. "Hello, Bird. How you've been?" I said "Want some ice cream?" Seconds later, I saw lots of them coming to me, they were hungry and all over me, so I started moving, dancing and screaming for them to fly away.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Would somebody help me?!" I screamed.

Then a boy about my age, stood behind me and the pigeons flew away.

"Thank you, God!" I said speaking alone.

The boy that was standing behind me started laughing. I turn around and yelled at him.... "Could you tell me what are you laughing at?

The boy opened his brown eyes like an eagle.

"Wow! What a great monologue." He said clapping his hand "Haven't you ever thought about being an actress?" He said laughing, and I think it was a really bad joke.

"What? What is your name?" I asked.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" He asked.

"Janette, and you don't care what my last name is." I said.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons." He said laughing.

"No... Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I said making fun of him.

Adam stood there with an It's not funny expression on his face.

"I would've preferred you to be the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go cause someone is waiting for me" I said.

Then, I turned around and I started walking.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!!" He yelled.

I waved my hand telling him to "Shut Up" or "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor him, it was the only thing that popped into his head".



Later, I was at my bedroom using the computer and my big sister, Jezlynne, came in.

"Hey, I haven't seen you in all day. What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm doing my math homework," I said.

"Math homework? Didn't you finish it yesterday?" she asked.

“Yes, I did, but I was eating an ice cream and accidentally...”

“Oh... You've gotta stop eating so much ice cream... I mean you're addicted,” Jezlynne said laughing “Maybe it's a sign,”

“Trust me there has been more than one sign, because today I met a boy and he wasn't that kind!”

“Why?” Asked Jezlynne.

“Because I was pacifically at the square, shooing the pigeons, I mean, I wasn't even screaming. Then he stood behind me, start laughing and for some reason the pigeons flew away!” I said.

“Sure, I know you pretty well, so I'm completely sure you were pacifically” My sister said, sarcastically. “Do you know his name?” She asked.

“I can't remember, I don't know and I don't care” I replied.

“But... you gotta remember, so we can search for him on the internet.” Jezlynne said.

“Psssss.... yeah right?” I said.



Then I fell asleep on my homework and dreamed about what happened in the square. I woke up and ran to the living room, where Jezlynne was watching T.V.

“Jezlynne?” I said almost asleep.

“What?” She asked.

“I remembered his name”

“What name?” She asked ignoring what I was saying.

“The name of my Fairy Godmother.” I said.

“Oh, my God, Janny... go to the kitchen and get yourself a glass of water.”

“I mean, the name of the boy I met today at the square. His name is Adam Velazquez.” I said.

Jezlynne looked at me, jumped off the couch and ran to the computer.

“Is that him?” Asked Jezlynne.

“No, that's not him, he was about my age.” I said
We start laughing because the Adam Velazquez she found was about 60 years old.

“Is that him?” She asked.

“Yes, that's him.” I said.

“Then why don't you add him to your buddy list?”

“Yeah, right!!” I said sarcastically.

“Come on Janny, he is kind of cute.”

“Of course he's cute... in pictures, because he doesn't move, he doesn't talk and especially he doesn't laugh at me.”

We burst out laughing and Jezlynne had a awesome and great idea (I'm being sarcastic) she wrote a note for him as me... She was NOT going to send it, we just wanted to have a little fun. Anyway the note said:
Dear Fairy Godmother... I wanted to thank you for making the cock pigeons fly away. I bet is the greatest thing you have done in your entire life, right?? Anyway, I appreciate it a lot. P.S. you saved my life...wahahahahahahaha!!

I was laughing really hard about it and then she was like...
“Oh, oh...”
“You have a great imagination, Jez.” I said and she was like...
“Ooops...”
“What happened?” I asked.
“Oooooops...” She said.
“Oooooops WHAT??”
“Oooooops I send it.”
“Good joke, Jez.”
“No, it's truth.” She said and I was like...
“Whaaat??”

I was in shock in front of the computer, reading over and over “Your message has been sent successfully.” After the shock I said...

“I'll just forget about it cause what am I suppose to do? Cry?” I said almost crying.

I know don't say it...It was lame and immature making that message, but I learned my lesson... Never let your sister hold your laptop... It's a joke!



Friday night I log in into my email account and Adam started talking...

Adam: Of course... Make cock pigeons fly away is the best thing I've ever done in my life.
Adam: No, is a lie!! The greatest thing I've done in my life is laugh at you.

After he said that I thought... "Why? Why is my sister such a mischief-maker? I mean, How can a message be sent 'accidentally'? I'm starting to think she did it on purpose"

Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Hi, Stranger.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Why is your nickname Adam?? I mean you should change it, just remember... you are my Fairy Godmother...
Adam: ha... ha... ha...
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew:
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Done.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Done what?
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Done I changed my nickname.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: I wasn't serious.
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Well, I believed you.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Well, I'm sorry Adam... but I have to go. The card is expired.
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: What card?
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: The “Being patient card”.

After shutting down my computer, I walked to the kitchen laughing.

“What is happening to you? Are you insane or something?” Asked Jezlynne.

“Yes, something like that... Thanks Jez!!” I said.

“For what?” She asked worried.

“For being such a mischief-maker and sending that message.”

“Okay... Well, I guess I'm being a good sister," She said, then her cellphone ring and she forgot everything.

Click here for Draft #2, people liked it.

Hello Solvalery!

Just some nitpicks.

"Could you tell me what are you laughing at?

You forgot to put the quotation marks at the end.

"Come on stop it... stop the show cause is really funny" He said making fun of her.

I don't get this line.

Okay, first you put

I said

And so on. Now you put

"Whaat??" -She said.

Are you talking, or just some other girl?

"What is your name?" I said.

you should put I asked.

"Well, you know what? my dad is waiting for me too!!" Screamed.

You should put 'Adam screamed.

"Hey, I haven't seen you in all day. What are you doing?" Said Jezlynne.

again, put 'asked' And the same with this

"Math homework? Didn't you finished it yesterday?" She said.

this

“Why?” Said Jezlynne.

this

“Psssss.... yeah right?” I said.

This

“Jezlynne?” I said almost asleep.

this

“What?” She said.

this

“What name?” She said ignoring what I was saying.

this

“Is that him?” She said

So-on-and-so-fourth. Anything with a Question mark.

Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Hi Stranger.
Adam: No, is a lie!! The greatest thing I've done in my life is laugh at you.
Adam: Hi, princess. How are you?

This part is confusing. Maybe take out

Adam: Hi, princess. How are you?

I like this *Likes*. But there are times where I'm confused.


Hope this helps!

Jungle

Hey, Solvalery! I noticed you were another new member and I thought I'd help you out with some editing and other stuff Anything red is just my little comments

Solvalery wrote:I was alone in one of the most amazing squares of my country. I was waiting for my mom because she was at work. I was eating a big and tasty ice cream when I saw a bunch of cock You probably don't need to use cock here. Pigeons are just fine. pigeons coming to me, they were hungry and all over me, so a start moving, dancing and screaming for them to fly away.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?!?! God, tell them to fly away," I said.

Then a boy about my age stood behind me making the cock pigeons fly away.

"Thank you God, you're big and kind!!You only really need one exclamation mark here..." I said speaking alone.

The boy that was standing behind me start laughing. I turn around and I too many I's in this sentence. You can cut this one out to make the story flow better. start yelling at him.

"Could you tell me what are you laughing at? I asked.

The boy opened his eyes like an eagle. i like the description!

"Come on stop it... stop the show cause is really funny... Haven't you ever thought about being an actress?" He asked, making fun of me. This piece of dialogue doesn't make much sense. Maybe get rid of some of the dot dot dots and the bit about the show?

"What?" I said.

He still was laughing at me...

"What is your name?" I asked.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" He asked.

"Janette, and you don't care what my last name is.," I said.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the from the you said from the twice here... cock pigeons." He said laughing.

"No... Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I said, making fun of him. You've already used the term "making fun of..." before in this chapter. Maybe try thinking of a different way of saying it.

Adam stood there with a face of -It was not funny- This sentence could be made better. An example is "Adam stood there with an It's not funny expression on his face. That could probably be improved too, but oh well.

"I would've preferred you to be the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not, and I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go cause someone is waiting for me," I said. Try and split this into two sentences. Long sentences with lots of commas slow down your story line.

Then I turned around and I start walking.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!!" Screamed.

While I was walking I waved my hand telling him to "Shut Up" and/or "I'm not listening"


Then (Try using words like "Later". I was at my bedroom using the computer and my big sister, Jezlynne, came in.

"Hey, I haven't seen you in all day. What are you doing?" Asked Jezlynne.

"I'm doing my math homework." I said.

"Math homework? Didn't you finished it yesterday?" She asked.

“Yes, I did, but I was eating an ice cream and accidentally...”

“You've gotta stop eating so much ice cream... I mean you're addicted,” Jezlynne said laughing “Maybe is a signal.”

“Trust me there has been more than one signal... Because today I met a boy and he wasn't that kind!”

“Why?” Asked Jezlynne. I really like the unique name!

“Because I was pacifically at the square, making the cock pigeons fly away, I mean I wasn't even screaming. Then he stand You should probably replace this with "came up" or "stood". behind me and start laughing and for some reason the stupid cock pigeons flew away!” I said.

“Sure I know you pretty well, so I'm completely sure you were pacifically,” My sister said, sarcastically. “Do you know his name?” She asked.

“I can't remember, I don't know and I don't care,” I said. I've noticed you use the word said a lot. There are many other words that can describe the character's tone better as well as make the story more interesting to read.

“But... you gotta remember, so we can search for him on the internet.” Jezlynne said.

“Psssss.... yeah right?” I said.

Then I fell asleep on my homework and dreamed about what happened in the square. I woke up and run to the living room where Jezlynne was watching T.V.

“Jezlynne?” I said almost asleep.

“What?” She asked.

“I remembered his name.”

“What name?” She asked, ignoring what I was saying.

“The name of my Fairy Godmother,” I said.

“Oh, my God, Janny... go to the kitchen and get a glass of water.”

“I mean, the name of the boy I met today at the square. His name is Adam Velazquez.” I said.

Jezlynne looked at me, jumped off the couch and ran to the computer to search for him.

“Is that him?” Asked Jezlynne.

“No, that's not him, he was about my age,” I said
We start laughing because the Adam Velazquez she found was about 60 years old.

“Is that him?” She asked.

“Yes, that's him,” I said.

“Then why don't you add him to your buddy list?”

“Yeah, right!!” I said sarcastically.

“Come on Janny, he is kind of cute.”

“Of course he's cute... IN PICTURES, cause he doesn't move, he doesn't talk and especially he doesn't laugh at me.” Instead of using caps here, use italics for emphasis.

We burst out laughing and Jezlynne had a awesome and great idea You only need one adjective here. Choose awesome or great. (I'm being sarcastic) she wrote a note for him as me... She was NOT going to send it, we just wanted to have a little fun. If you're going to use brackets - which slow down the flow of your story - you need to have a full stop after it, especially if you're switching ideas. This part doesn't make much sense. Anyway the note said:
Dear Fairy Godmother... I wanted to thank you for making the cock pigeons fly away. I bet is the greatest thing you have done in your entire life, right?? Anyway, I appreciate it a lot. P.S. you saved my life...wahahahahahahaha!!

I was laughing really hard about it and then she was like...
“Oh, oh...”
“You have a great imagination, Jez.” I said and she was like...
“Ooops...”
“What happened?” I asked.
“Oooooops...” She said.
“Oooooops WHAT??”
“Oooooops I send it.”
“Good joke, Jez.”
“No, it's truth.” She said and I was like...
“Whaaat??”

I was in shock in front of the computer, reading over and over “Your message has been sent successfully.” This sentence is really good! After the shock I said...

“I'll just forget about it cause what am I suppose to do? Cry?” I said almost crying.

I know don't say it...It was lame and immature making that message, but I learned my lesson... Never let your sister hold your computer... It's a joke! You can't really hold a computer... I suggest changing this word to something else. Use, maybe.

Friday night I log in into my email account and Adam started talking... I thought the main character didn't want to add him...

Adam: Of course... Make cock pigeons fly away is the best thing I've ever done in my life. This doesn't make much sense. It sounds like the middle of a conversation, not the start.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Hi, Stranger.
Adam: No, is a lie!! The greatest thing I've done in my life is laugh at you. This doesn't make much sense either. Especially after what the main character said.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Why is your nickname Adam?? I mean you should change it, just remember... you are my Fairy Godmother...
Adam: ha... ha... ha...
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew:
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Done.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Done what?
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Done I changed my nickname.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: I wasn't serious.
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Well, I believed you.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Well, I'm sorry Adam... but I have to go. The card is expired.
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: What card?
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: The “Being patient card”.

After shutting down my computer I went to the kitchen laughing.

“What is happening to you?? Are you insane or something?” Asked Jezlynne.

“Yes, something like that... Thanks Jez!!” I said.

“Why?” She asked worried.

“For being such a mischief-maker and sending that message.”

“Okay.......” She said... then her cellphone ring and she forgot everything.

This is a promising start that I'd like to keep reading..... A little bit of editing will go a long way. Don't worry too much about what Junglelover said about using asked instead of said at the end of a question. Asked gets a little boring if it gets used a lot.
Keep writing this, and I look forward to future chapters!
xx TiannaJaneMorrison

Solvalery wrote:I was alone in one of the most amazing squares of my country. I was waiting for my mom because she was at work. I was eating a big and tasty ice cream when I saw a bunch of pigeons coming to me, they were hungry and all over me, so a start moving, dancing and screaming for them to fly away. there should be an I after the over me not an "a"
[color=#8040BF][/color]
"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! God, tell them to fly away" I said.

Then a boy about my age stood behind me making the pigeons fly away.

"Thank you God, you're big and kind!" I said speaking alone.

The boy that was standing behind me start laughing. I turn around and start yelling at him. I think may you should not yell at the boy but talk to him firmly.

"Could you tell me what are you laughing at? I asked.

The boy opened his eyes like an eagle. This should be he instead of the boy

"Come on stop it, stop the show cause is really funny. Haven't you ever thought about being an actress?" He said, and I think it was a really bad joke. There should be a ' before the cause.

"What?" I said.

He still was laughing at me...

"What is your name?" I asked.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" He asked.

"Janette, and you don't care what my last name is." I said. Do you want to know my last name instead of what you currently have.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons." He said laughing.

"No... Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I said making fun of him.

Adam stood there with an It's not funny expression on his face. there should have a comma after it

"I would've preferred you to be the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go cause someone is waiting for me" I said.

Then I turned around and I start walking.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!!" He screamed. this is something a five year old would do.

While I was walking I waved my hand telling him to "Shut Up" and/or "I'm not listening"


Later, I was at my bedroom using the computer and my big sister, Jezlynne, came in.

"Hey, I haven't seen you in all day. What are you doing?" Asked Jezlynne.

"I'm doing my math homework." I said.

"Math homework? Didn't you finish it yesterday?" She asked.

“Yes, I did, but I was eating an ice cream and accidentally...”

“You've gotta stop eating so much ice cream... I mean you're addicted,” Jezlynne said laughing “Maybe is a signal”

“Trust me there has been more than one signal... Because today I met a boy and he wasn't that kind!”

“Why?” Asked Jezlynne.

“Because I was pacifically at the square, making the cock pigeons fly away, I mean I wasn't even screaming. Then he stood behind me, start laughing and for some reason the pigeons flew away!” I said.

“Sure I know you pretty well, so I'm completely sure you were pacifically” My sister said, sarcastically. “Do you know his name?” She asked.

“I can't remember, I don't know and I don't care” I replied.

“But... you gotta remember, so we can search for him on the internet.” Jezlynne said.

“Psssss.... yeah right?” I said.

Then I fell asleep on my homework and dreamed about what happened in the square. I woke up and run to the living room where Jezlynne was watching T.V.

“Jezlynne?” I said almost asleep.

“What?” She asked.

“I remembered his name”

“What name?” She asked ignoring what I was saying.

“The name of my Fairy Godmother.” I said.

“Oh, my God, Janny... go to the kitchen and get a glass of water.”

“I mean, the name of the boy I met today at the square. His name is Adam Velazquez.” I said.

Jezlynne looked at me, jumped off the couch, ran to the computer and search for him.

“Is that him?” Asked Jezlynne.

“No, that's not him, he was about my age.” I said
We start laughing because the Adam Velazquez she found was about 60 years old.

“Is that him?” She asked.

“Yes, that's him.” I said.

“Then why don't you add him to your buddy list?”

“Yeah, right!!” I said sarcastically.

“Come on Janny, he is kind of cute.”

“Of course he's cute... in pictures, cause he doesn't move, he doesn't talk and especially he doesn't laugh at me.”

We burst out laughing and Jezlynne had a awesome and great idea (I'm being sarcastic) she wrote a note for him as me... She was NOT going to send it, we just wanted to have a little fun. Anyway the note said:
Dear Fairy Godmother... I wanted to thank you for making the cock pigeons fly away. I bet is the greatest thing you have done in your entire life, right?? Anyway, I appreciate it a lot. P.S. you saved my life...wahahahahahahaha!!

I was laughing really hard about it and then she was like...
“Oh, oh...”
“You have a great imagination, Jez.” I said and she was like...
“Ooops...”
“What happened?” I asked.
“Oooooops...” She said.
“Oooooops WHAT??”
“Oooooops I send it.”
“Good joke, Jez.”
“No, it's truth.” She said and I was like...
“Whaaat??”

I was in shock in front of the computer, reading over and over “Your message has been sent successfully.” After the shock I said...

“I'll just forget about it cause what am I suppose to do? Cry?” I said almost crying.

I know don't say it...It was lame and immature making that message, but I learned my lesson... Never let your sister hold your laptop... It's a joke!

Friday night I log in into my email account and Adam started talking...

Adam: Of course... Make cock pigeons fly away is the best thing I've ever done in my life.
Adam: No, is a lie!! The greatest thing I've done in my life is laugh at you.

After he said that I thought... "Why? Why is my sister such a mischief-maker? I mean, How can a message be sent 'accidentally'? I'm starting to think she did it on purpose"

Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Hi, Stranger.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Why is your nickname Adam?? I mean you should change it, just remember... you are my Fairy Godmother...
Adam: ha... ha... ha...
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew:
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Done.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Done what?
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Done I changed my nickname.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: I wasn't serious.
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: Well, I believed you.
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: Well, I'm sorry Adam... but I have to go. The card is expired.
Janny's FAIRY Godmother: What card?
Janny from I <3 ice cream crew: The “Being patient card”.

After shutting down my computer I went to the kitchen laughing.

“What is happening to you?? Are you insane or something?” Asked Jezlynne.

“Yes, something like that... Thanks Jez!!” I said.

“Why?” She asked worried.

“For being such a mischief-maker and sending that message.”

“Okay.......” She said... then her cellphone ring and she forgot everything.

I love your title and the story so far is very cute! I can't wait to read the rest! I hope you are have enjoyed your time on Yws so far.

Thanks for your review!! I'm glad you liked the story! *happy* Oh, and in case you don't know yet. The I just posted Chapter II!

Although you wanted me to review the second chapter in this story I decided to give you one piece of advice for this chapter. Remember I haven't read the second yet, so I'm not sure it applies to that as well, but be careful.

My only note is that you make sure to avoid only putting dialog. It was beautiful dialog, but there really wasn't any action or any description of the setting. The best we got most of the time was a one or two sentence description. It isn't a big deal, but I would have liked to see more content apart from the dialog.

~Day

So Solvalery, I have come to review your piece, as requested.
First of all, I would like to say that I liked this way, way, way better than Chp. 2.
You have some funny ideas and scenarios, but again, your grammar is no bueno. Also, you do a lot of switching between past and present tense. When you write, you should always keep it in the same tense.
so I'm just going to take a little excerpt from your piece and edit it to show you how I would word things to make them more understandable for your readers:

Then I turned around and I started walking.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!!" He screamed.I would say "yelled" instead of "screamed" because "screamed" to me, implies hysteria, whilst "yelled" just implies a raised voice, sometimes in that arrogant cocky way Adam seems to have.

While I was walking I waved my hand telling him to "Shut Up" and/or pick one "I'm not listening"


Later, I was at my bedroom using the computer and my big sister, Jezlynne, came in.

"Hey, I haven't seen you all day. What are you doing?" asked Jezlynne.

"I'm doing my math homework," I said.

"Math homework? Didn't you finish it yesterday?" she asked.

“Yes, I did, but I was eating an ice cream and accidentally...”

“You've gotta stop eating so much ice cream... I mean you're addicted,” Jezlynne said laughing “Maybe it or this is a signal "sign" would make more sense. But how is it a sign?”

“Trust me there has been more than one signal... Because today I met a boy and he wasn't that kind!”

Those are all just suggestions. Also, this is kind of lengthy. That's not necessarily (i can't spell that word) a bad thing; just make sure all of what you're saying is needed. Lengthy can soon turn into boring if you have too much excess information.
All in all, I liked it. Just fix the grammar issues, because they are distracting, and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what you were trying to say.
Keep writing.
Toodles!
~emerley.
PS- will read chp. 3 later, if I have time!

Hey here to review, of course.

The beginning paragraph: Well, it was kinda boring. I mean the concept of the pigeons coming to her was very cute and sweet, but before that you could have mentioned more, like how's the weather, how is the place where she is, etc. I hope you understand it. The art of bringing in readers is to write a fatastic piece in the beginning and then let them stay here with you. If they are intrigued once, they won't leave the book even if it fails to give the same thrill.

"Thank you, God!" I said speaking alone.

Like, do you mean speaking to myself?

I turned around and yelled at him.... "Could you tell me what are you laughing at?

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons." He said, laughing.

Then, I turned around and I started walking.

You could avoid the second 'I'.

Later, I was at One doesn't be at his bedroom, it's not like you're sitting over it. You should have written 'in'.my bedroom using the computer and my big sister, Jezlynne, came in.

“Because I was pacifically at the square, shooing the pigeons, I mean, I wasn't even screaming. Then he stood behind me, start laughing and for some reason the pigeons flew away!” I said.

But before you did mention that the protagonist screamed and panicked.

Then I fell asleep on my homework and dreamt about what happened in the square

We started laughing because the Adam Velazquez she found was about 60 years old.

I have found in this chapter of yours that you switch tenses a lot. Be careful with that because it puts off the readers a lot.

I was in shock in front of the computer, reading over and over “Your message has been sent successfully.” After the shock I said...

This sentence sounded amateursh to e. You could probably do woth this: I stood shocked, in front of my computer, all the blood draining out of my body as I read over and over again," Your message has been sent successfully." After I recovered a bit from the shock, I said...

Well I had been thinking of a same kind of a love story for a long time now, but it has some major twist in it.

No onto your writing story:
Your writing stylem sorry to say, did not impress me much, although I liked your story and the plotline. It just all happened so quickly. You could have mentioned how she thinks of him on occassions before getting to chat with him. You need to slow down your pace a bit, I think.
Also, once you said that you should never let your sister handle your laptop and then at other places you said computer. So I think you're confused on what the proatgonist has.

I have mentioned this before also that you tend to switch tenses a lot, which is not a good thing to do. Meanwhile, when she met Adam you could have let her describe him more, how he looks. There was no description of him other than his eagle eyes. She said that he was about her age, but what age is she?

You use a lot of ellipsis which is good only if use it in limited quantity.

There were a lots of mistakes, which if corrected would make this a better piece.

Onto the next chapter,
~Shubhi

hmm well i love your story but it is kinda...rush maybe tone it down ^-^

That was really interesting. Of course I didhave a few key problems with it. Like some of the grammer was a little off. Another is the speed at which her eelings for him changed. First, she thought he was extremely annoying and then, ony a page down she was practically his friend. And finally, the "and she was like's" and the "and I was like's" were a little annoying. Happy writing.

Well first off I want to say that I really enjoyed this. It grabbed my attention right away. It is definitely something that I think I would be interested in reading. It is the genre that I like. I seems funny and humourous. I really like the guy that saves her from the pigeons and is her fairy godmother. He seems like a cute, nerdy guy that I would fall for.

One suggestion that I have for you to improve your literature is to really proofread it. There are parts in your chapter that i had to read a few times in order to underrstand what you were saying. I think you may be using the wrong words in some intances. When I write I always have the thesauras beside me and use it quite frequently. it could really spice up your writing. Lastly, the dialogue. You have a lot of quotes that say I said or She said. Try putting thins as asked, demanded, questioned or so on. Just to give you more of a variety and to make sure the reader does not get tired of reading the same words over again.

Other than that I really liked your piece of writing. I can not wait to read more of it. The storyline, so far, seems very easy to follow and entertaining. Good job and good luck with the rest of your novel.

Happy writing!!

P.S - Please come to reiew the first chapter of my novel. It would be greatly appreciated. I am a new writer and I have the fear that it is not all that good. I need to improve my writing immensely if I want my dream of becoming a author to come true. Thank you!

Hi Sol!! Yes, it's me, Jemo and yes, I am going to review your piece. Lol You know what, I really don't know why I haven't read this before not until now. Maybe because am not ready to review anything here in YWS, or anything? Haha Anyways, am not going to focus on the grammar or punctuations etc, for just two reasons: 1. Am not good at it (not yet) and 2. I'm more of the storyline reviewer (I suppose. Lol).

Okay, first off, I LIKED IT SOL. Really, its cute and you're 16. Well, it makes a lot of sense! No pun intended tho. I like the way you created a soft and bubbly theme of the story. I assume that this is based on your own experience or at least something you're aware of (smiles). I enjoyed reading it, and it made me smile; I smiled from my the heart. That is one of the goal of a writer I presume. To make their readers smile from the heart. You're right when you said that my novel, "Where Do I find a Green Rose?" somewhat reflects on this story. That made me smile again. Lol

Btw, I read the Draft 2. I believe you followed some of their comments to improve it. Good job on editing!!

I'm off to read the next chapters so I wouldn't make any suggestions yet until I read them all. If that would be perfectly normal to you? Lol

Keep imagining and writing Sol!!

God bless.

Jemo, I am Jemo.