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Only in Your Dreams (Chaper 1: Part 2)



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Mon Jun 07, 2010 7:13 pm
TurquoiseRoses says...



Outwardly, Felicity rolled her eyes. Inwardly, she loved him for it. He was the one person who could break through her sarcasm and jokes, and make her examine what she was really feeling, he could make her face reality like no one else could, “Only for you, Langdon” she was whispering.

“That’s all I ask, Fee,” Noah looked at her, expectant. His eyes sparked in the light of the full moon above them. He was smiling, warm and inviting.

Felicity stared at him, “Well, that’s not fair.”

Noah raised his eyebrows, not taking his eyes off her.

“How can you expect any girl to think clearly when you’re looking at her like that?”

Noah laughed, a soft and gentle thing, yet at the same time very powerful. He pulled her closer to his side, “Fee, your avoiding it.”

She rested her head on his shoulder, letting him support her, “Fine,” she paused, took a deep breath and then said it, “I missed you so much, that I started crying when I watched The Notebook. Happy now?” Her words came in rush, tripping over each other, embarrassing as they were. She never cried at movies. Ever. She always said that the romantic date movie was created by film companies to bleed naive girls dry of their spending money. She thought they were fake charades.

Apparently, Noah knew this, because he was laughing so hard that Felicity could feel his body shake. She lifted her head and punched him in the arm. Hard.

“Hey now! No really, I am flattered, Fee,” he paused, a coy smile forming on his face, “Or should I say Ally?” He burst into another round of laughter.

Smiling, but resisting the urge to punch him again, Felicity went around to face him, “Langdon, you think you’re just so funny.” Her smile belied the fierce glare she was aiming at him.

He quieted, and stepped toward her, brushing a strand of red hair from your face, “Fee, I’m glad you cried, it reminds the rest of us that the mighty Felicity Parks is human too. “ That mischievous look was right back in his eye.

Felicity laughed, a sound that was like joy bubbling over the surface, “Yaaaaa, because I am the freaking Bionic Women right?”

“Of course. You didn’t know that?” Noah feigned surprise.

She rolled her eyes, saying, “C’mon Langdon, I am hungry as all get out,” as she pulled him forward.

She moved towards the hundred year old house she had crashed out of moments before. It was a classic Victorian. A creaky old wrap-around porch guarded the entrance. The bright yellow of the outside walls was offset by the blue shutters, and white eves. To add to ambiance a white picket fence separated the front yard from the sidewalk. It was classic, and as Felicity turned to see that large house looming over her, she was reminded again of how much she hated it; along with everything else related to her parents obsession with antiques .

“For you, ma lady,” Noah held open the door, as they walked into the house.

“You do know that you’re more corny than a Full House re-run, right?” Felicity smiled.

“A guy has to do what they can to compete with the likes of John Stamos.” Noah made a scene of brushing back his short curly brown locks, and starring dreamily in the distance

“Oh please. That mop of yours could never compete, plus your Elvis impersonation is absolutely horrid.” Felicity stepped over the threshold into the dark entry way, and looked around. The eclectic mix of furniture casted misshapen shadows on the wall. She shivered; the old house always freaked her out. She quickly flicked on the light, eliminating gaudy crystal chandelier.

Noah walked into the hall after her, letting the heavy door close behind him. “Harsh Fee, harsh.” His tone was grave, but sliver flicks within his deep blue eyes danced. “I just came back from two months tending to a hundred ankle bitters at the Grand Camp Wannaloo, shouldn’t you be singing my praises, or at the very least, kissing the ground I walk on?”

“Ha-ha, Langdon, ha-ha. No, you must be confusing me with your other, easily pleased girlfriend again,” but she grabbed his hand and squeezed anyway.

Noah noticed. “That’s quite a shame, maybe I should hang out with my other girlfriend more often then.”

The daggers Felicity shot him were so convincing, it was easy to forget that she was just joking,”Not if you want to live, Langdon.”

Noah just raised his eyebrows, unperturbed. His eyes passed over the entryway: the patchwork of furniture so old it looked like it would break at the slightest touch, the dark green walls the color of moss, the freshly stained parquet floors. “I see this place hasn’t changed,” a hint of joke in his voice.

“Quite the contrary Langdon, there is a new side table circa 1903.” Felicity pointed amongst the furniture to a long thin mahogany table leaning against the right wall, “Just something picked up at a local flee market, isn’t it darling?” She imitated her mother’s high voice and drawn out way of talking.

Noah laughed, “You sound exactly like her Fee. Seriously, you should consider acting after highschool.”

Felicity looked back and scrunched up her face, sticking out her tongue at him, as she led him by the hand down the narrow hall into the kitchen.
  





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Fri Jun 11, 2010 7:28 pm
Rydia says...



Hi again :) Alright so after reading this, a lot of my comments on the first half apply to this part as well. I still think you've got some good dialogue but need to spice up your description and plot. Here's a few nit-picks and a little more advice:

Outwardly, Felicity rolled her eyes. Inwardly, she loved him for it. He was the one person who could break through her sarcasm and jokes, and make her examine what she was really feeling, he could make her face reality like no one else could, “Only for you, Langdon,” she was whispering whispered.


“That’s all I ask, Fee,” [I'd suggest a fullstop instead of a comma this time. A quick tip is you should use a comma if it's going to be followed by he said, she said etc but if it's going to be an action such as Noah stood up it should be a full stop. There are exceptions as well, like if the action comes as a break between two sections of speech, commas are okay.] Noah looked at her, expectant. His eyes sparked in the light of the full moon above them. [This line's really... annoying. I want to stomp on it for being so fairytale. Maybe tone it down a bit? It wouldn't be so bad for example if you had something like: 'His eyes were lit by the glow of the moonlight.' By the way, why is it night? It didn't feel like night before... you need to describe your time of day (or night I suppose ^^) earlier I think.] He was smiling, warm and inviting.


She rested her head on his shoulder, letting him support her, “Fine,” she paused, took a deep breath and then said it, “I missed you so much, that I started crying when I watched The Notebook. Happy now?” Her words came in a rush, tripping over each other, embarrassing as they were. She never cried at movies. Ever. She always said that the romantic date movie was created by film companies to bleed naive girls dry of their spending money. She thought they were fake charades.


He quieted, and stepped toward her, brushing a strand of red hair from your her face, “Fee, I’m glad you cried, it reminds the rest of us that the mighty Felicity Parks is human too. “ That mischievous look was right back in his eye.


She moved towards the hundred year old house she had crashed out of moments before. It was a classic Victorian. A creaky old wrap-around porch guarded the entrance. The bright yellow of the outside walls was offset by the blue shutters, and white eves. To add to the ambiance, a white picket fence separated the front yard from the sidewalk. It was classic, and as Felicity turned to see that large house looming over her, she was reminded again of how much she hated it; along with everything else related to her parents obsession with antiques .
I'd like to see more of this. It's nice to have a little scenic description.

“A guy has to do what they can to compete with the likes of John Stamos.” Noah made a scene of brushing back his short curly brown locks, and starring staring dreamily into the distance.
Have a read through and check your punctuation by the way. I'm a little too lazy to highlight all the missed periods and things.

“Oh please. That mop of yours could never compete, plus your Elvis impersonation is absolutely horrid.” Felicity stepped over the threshold into the dark entry way, and looked around. The eclectic [I think you mean eccentric?] mix of furniture casted misshapen shadows on the wall. She shivered; the old house always freaked her out. She quickly flicked on the light, [color=red]eliminating illuminating the gaudy crystal chandelier.


Noah walked into the hall after her, letting the heavy door close behind him. “Harsh Fee, harsh.” His tone was grave, but sliver flicks within his deep blue eyes danced. “I just came back from two months tending to a hundred ankle bitters biters at the Grand Camp Wannaloo, shouldn’t you be singing my praises, or at the very least, kissing the ground I walk on?”
It still seems too little information to me. Should this mean anything? Could be my Enlishness making the understanding difficult.

Pace

Maybe speed it up a little? I'm sure you have a lot of plans for the plot but could we have a few hints and crumbs while we're getting to know the characters? If your readers are fantasy readers, they'll be used to something a little more action packed and it's nice that you'll have the contrast between the dream world and her perfect life but it would be more realistic and interesting for us to see some cracks and conflict in this 'perfection' first.

I think that's all I have for now so thanks for the read! Feel free to send me a pm if you have questions about anything or would like another review. Hope this helps,

Heather xx
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