Young Writers Society

This is for Skins' music with Words contest. Hope you like it, guys!



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“I’m sorry, Sandy. I can’t do this anymore.” He said in a low voice, his eyes filled with guilt.

What?

I felt negative vibes flowing through my veins. My heart sank with anger and rejection. My eyes wandered throughout his inexplicable facial expression. We’ve been just dating for three months and now he’s dumping me like a trash.

“I’m sorry…” he apologized. I didn’t think he was sincere enough but his hands were shaking.

“So, you’re more into cheerleaders, right?” I glared at him ironically, he nodded quietly. He said nothing but I completely understood him because of his guilty face. Just by saying the ‘cheerleader’ word, wounded my ears. It was like a knife cutting through it.

I breathed in and puckered my dry lips.

“I can’t believe you.” My mouth trembled as if to hold me back from crying. Then no words came from his guilt-ridden face. A few people started to stare at us as I heard silent murmurs filling the strange atmosphere.

“Just like that?” I shrugged and felt my jaw tightened. Holding back my tears, I sniffed. I didn’t want him to see me crying like a complete total idiot, acting as if it was the end of this big mad world.

“It’s not that I hate you or something related to that.” He explained softly, and then his eyes locked my gaze.

Gosh… Those beautiful blue orbs stunning like the stars at night, was one of the factors why I fell for this guy.

“Tell me about it,” I gazed down, ignoring his eyes before my cheeks would flush pink.

“Sandy---" before he could say more, the school lunch bell rang through the hallway.

“Bye.” I smiled for the last time at him. I turned my back at him and hurriedly went off for my first afternoon class.



“I can’t believe it.” I stomped off my feet against the campus field. My childhood friend, Chris, was walking with me as we head off of the school campus. It was actually our everyday routine.

“I’m sorry, Dee. I told you that ‘love at first sight’ doesn’t really work out.” Chris mumbled and his eyes looked up at the blue sky.

“And do you know the best thing about that? The high school dance’s tomorrow!” I paused and took out a big sigh, “This is the worst day of my life.”

Then, I suddenly looked at Chris. He seemed so confused.

“What, Sandy?” he snapped. Oops… he saw me looking at him.

“N-Nothing… Are you okay?” I inquired softly, puzzled.

“Nothing, Dee.” He started to grin at me, not in a flirtatious way but it made my cheeks strawberry red.

“I should be asking that to you.” Then he gave me his worried face before my eyes. I drew out a smile to make him feel that I was really okay but then the mask didn’t actually covered up all my mood, so tears came right out of my eye. Chris studied my face then he gave me an encouragement smile as he held out his hand and wiped down my tears.

His warm fingers against my cheeks comforted me.

Then I just felt my heart skipped a beat... It can’t possibly be happening.

“I’m really sorry,” he said in a low voice then gently clasped my hand.
Grey clouds started to cover the sunlight as dry leaves began to rustle in a different manner.

“I don’t like you, Dee… just for the record,” he looked at me again then gave out a small chuckle under his breath.
His pompous statement made me laugh.

“You wish.” I smiled back at him and punch him somewhat in his right arm.



Disco lights and the rock music pumping filled the dance hall. I was in my brother’s car, looking at the school building through the tinted car glass window. My hands were terribly shaking.

No escort at all.

“Hey, are you going in there? You’ve been sitting here for like ten minutes or so.” Ken said impatiently with complaint.

“Fine.” I snapped back angrily and went off of my brother’s black Toyota car, wearing my black velvet dress. My feet wobbled with anxiety as I was walking towards the entrance door. I didn’t want to see Brad looking at me, all alone. And neither have I wanted to see him making out with his new girlfriend.

You can do it.
Tension and jealousy spun my mind crazily. As I ascended up to the stairs, cold and apologetic stares filled the corners of my eyes. Wow, news spread fast.


I can’t do this.
My mind was brainstorming like a lawyer debating in a court. My heart was beating fast, as I slowly paced towards the dance hall.

Then I saw Brad with a blond girl, holding hands and flirting with each other as I looked at them suspiciously through the open entrance door. I believed it was the cheerleader. My view became teary, and before I knew it, I ran down the stairs and went to a place where no can see my face with jealousy and sadness.


A school garden… Great.

I directly went to a wooden bench and sat down on it. I felt tears running down my red cheeks. I felt the chilly air against my skin. It was cold. It could’ve been better if I just went inside the dance hall and just let myself cry out in the bathroom, at least it wouldn’t be this cold.

Then I felt something warm clothing against my bare shoulder. It was a tuxedo jacket.
I looked behind and saw Chris in a black suit with a blue and white stripe tie.
“Hey.” He flashed a smile and then sat down next to me. He held out a single rose to me.

“Hey yourself,” I accepted the rose and smelled the sweet fragrance tickling my nose.

“Shouldn’t you be there in the dance?” he asked me with confused face.

“I was about to ask you the same thing.” I smiled at him and exhaled gently and continued,

“Thanks,” I pointed the jacket wrapping around my shoulder. He nodded as if to say he welcomed it.

“Is it because of Brad?” he asked me.

“Obviously, Chris.” I muttered then the clouds rumbled noisily in the dark grey sky. Suddenly, drops of water continuously fell down, hitting my skin which transmitted cold chills throughout my body.

“It’s going to rain.” Chris said while he was looking up then seconds after, he looked at me straight in the eyes, “I like your dress, by the way.” He complimented me and uncontrollably, my cheeks turned red and my heart began to beat fast. Black crows started to fly off from the trees, circling under the bright moonlight.

“I love you, Sandy. Always have. Always will.” he stared at me romantically. I couldn’t believe it. He liked me? Since when?

“Since, I saw you from the children’s park.” Chris said as if to answer my bewildered instinct.

“but I thought you didn’t like me at all, if my memory serves me right.” I chuckled nervously. He was sincerely serious just by looking at his green eyes.

“I meant I don’t only like you as a friend… I love you like a girl I want to be with," he paused then continued, “just for the record.” He grinned. I smiled and felt tears rolling down against my cheeks, this time it was happy tears.

"I don't want to make things fast... I just want to let you know," he whispered softly.
Before I could say anything he continued, “Brad’s a jerk anyway. I knew he wasn’t serious about you.” His face crumpled when his eyes turned cold.

Speechless at that moment, I noticed rain started to pour down. We didn't seem to care even if our clothes were starting to soak from the rain. I felt shivers down my spine. Then, he leaned towards me and then finally, his lips touched my cheeks.




In a storm in my best dress, fearless…

Hey Yuriko. What's up? Well here to review, of course.

I felt negative vibes flowing through my veins. My heart sank with anger and rejection. My eyes wandered throughout his inexplicable facial expression. We’ve been just dating for three months and now he’s dumping me like a trash.

I liked this whole paragraph a lot. You used very good descriptions for emotions of the MC.

“So, you’re more into cheerleading girls, right?” I glared at him ironically, he quietly nodded.

If you could make the part after 'ironically' into another sentence it would look nice.

Those beautiful blue orbs stunning like the stars at night, was one of the factors why I fell for thatthis guy.

This would give more effect rather that.

“ Sandy---“There should be a closing double quotation mark. before he could say more, the school lunch bell rang through the hallway.

My mind was brainstorming like a lawyer debating in a court.

Beautiful line!

My view became teary, and before I knew it, I ran down the stairs and went to a place where no can could see my face with jealousy and sadness.

Then, he leaned towards me and then finally, ended the night sealed with a kiss.

You used sealing word in a story before also. It had same ending.

So overall I fell for this story. You are a master at Rom. short stories, I think. Don't stop writing these. The ending in words was similar to a story I read of yours a week ago. So try to write soemthing else here. Use your imagination.

There were some pretty good phrases here which I mentioned. Your description was also upto the mark. So good job..

*likes*

~Shubhi

shubhiloves2write wrote:

Then, he leaned towards me and then finally, ended the night sealed with a kiss.

You used sealing word in a story before also. It had same ending.

So overall I fell for this story. You are a master at Rom. short stories, I think. Don't stop writing these. The ending in words was similar to a story I read of yours a week ago. So try to write soemthing else here. Use your imagination.

There were some pretty good phrases here which I mentioned. Your description was also upto the mark. So good job..

*likes*

~Shubhi

Hello there, Shubhi.

Thanks for the great review and for liking this one!

Yes, I was thinking of my last story while writing this one. This is like forty percent related to my story before though the characters, settings, etc. are totally different. It is because the last one seemed to be incomplete and slightly confusing, so I was thinking this is the renovated or the transformed complete one. Hope you understand.

Thanks again!!

_yuri_

Hey there! so I'm here to deliver your review. :]

THE BASICS: Grammar

Ah, grammar. It's a struggle at first. ^^ Some of your sentences didn't make complete sense either due to missing words or improper grammar. I'm not here to edit every single line you've written, but here's one example that really jumped out:

Disco lights and the band’s rock music pumping, filled the dance hall.

This sentence is structured improperly. It might be better to write: "Disco lights and pumping rock music filled the dance hall." but that's just my own example.

My advice would be to read over the story and make sure that all sentences make sense and have proper grammar. If you aren't sure on proper grammar or structure, do a google search on the topic or check out the YWS Knowledge base for suggestions.

STRUCTURE

The one thing that jumped out to me in this story was the structure of events:

-boy breaks up with girl
-girl is sad and talks to friend
-girl goes to dance
-girl and friend fall in love, kiss, happy!

This isn't that bad of a story line, but the way you pace it ruins everything. I remember when I boyfriend broke up with me this past February, almost in the same way - they week before a date party. It was a big deal I was devastated for weeks. Unless this girl just doesn't care about her ex or the relationship wasn't that great anyway (then why would she be upset about it in the first place?) I don't see it as realistic that she fell in love with her friend so quickly.

Also, the comment about "cheerleading girls" [should it be cheer leaders?] didn't make much sense because you never explained it. Did he cheat on her with a cheerleader? if so, slip it in so we know the conflict.

My biggest suggestion with this would be to fix the pacing so it seems realistic and true to life. Like I said it's a great story idea but it happens too fast to make any of it feel genuine. You want us to care about your speaker and relate to her so that we care about your story, and by making her emotions change within five or so paragraphs you're not doing a great job at that.

SHOW, don't TELL

My heart sank with anger and rejection.

This is just one example from the beginning but I know there are others instances in this story. In this sentence you tell us she's angry and feels rejected, but to really get the feelings across and make her realistic you need to show her. Why not try, I clenched my fist. "Why! Why are you doing this?"

Bad example - but you get my point. I used an action on the characters part and dialogue to show what she was feeling. Like I said, that was a bad example that I gave. If you have real trouble with this, google "show don't tell" or check out the YWS knowledge base.

--

Some other comments I wasn't sure where to place:

Suddenly, drops of water continuously fell down, hitting my skin which transmitted cold chills throughout my body.

“It’s going to rain.”

Wait, but didn't you just say that the narrator got hit with drops of water and she was chilly? So why would he say "it's going to rain" when it is raining?

[and a bit later]

Before I could say anything, rain started to pour down.

So, it starts raining twice I see? Just looks like you got lost while writing this.

I also don't understand why the title of this is Fearless. What is fearless about it? I just couldn't make the connection.

So, the run down: read over this for grammar errors, work on pace to be realistic, and show don't tell.

Best of luck!

Just a comment to Suzanne: It's called Fearless because of the very last line is from the song Fearless by Taylor Swift.

Okay, since you already know about the grammar error and all that from the other people I won't go into that. I wanted to mention that I like what this story is about. And how you wove Taylor Swift's song Fearless into it. Now every time I listen to Fearless I'll remember this story! I like the characters and hope that you could stretch this story longer because it was a good read!

*Like*

Hey Yurii!

SO, here I am!

Well, first off, I'm not sure about the contest rules, so I'm assuming it can be tangential to the song as the song is more like the perfect date and the first kiss.
The last few lines with lyric gave a good picture, but I would like some more description. Good job with that.
Now, I would like a lot more emotion here. If her boyfriend dumps her, she will be upset. You should show us how she's upset and what she does because of that.
And, I agree with Suze that how would she go for a dance the next day, if she's upset. If she thought he never liked her, then she should be satisfied with the being dumped, right?
Pacing is important.
Also; you need to take time and show us how your MC and Chris like each other. Right now, it's all too fast. You can work on some more description. Basically, if you can pull the strings and make the transition from the breakup to the dance more realistic, this would be so much better.

If you need help, PM me.
Cheers,
~Lava

Just to let you guys know, I edited some parts of this story.

Hey buddy, here as requested. (:

So, I haven't read other reviews, so sorry if there's repetition, but here it goes.

This was a typical 80's movie story line. I could actually picture the scenes in my head like I was watching them from a screen. This was extremely cliche, however... I really liked it. You totally took my heart strings and played them to the right tune, if that makes any sense at all. This just grabbed my attention from the beginning and kept it till the end.

Two bad things:

Dialogue punctuation. I wouldn't normally point it out, but since you did it multiple times, let me explain.

“Since, I saw you from the children’s park.” Chris said as if to answer my bewildered instinct.

“Hey yourself,” I accepted the rose and smelled the sweet fragrance tickling my nose.

You obviously know what punctuation you have to use, however you are using them in the incorrect places. What you need to do is switch the grammar on these quotes and those like them.

So the first one, you see how you say 'Chris said' after a period of the dialogue? You're basically saying something like this:

I don't like pie. Chris said.

These two sentences do not make sense independently, that's why there's a comma, so that it's all one sentence, and the dialogue is explained with a verb.

The second sentence is like saying:

Hey yourself I accepted the rose.

Do you see how that makes no sense? So yeah, just switch the two and you should be good. Here's a link on dialogue punctuation thanks to Demeter:

Punctuation Within Dialogue


Phew, that was long.

And secondly, your pace. Though this is a short story, you rushed things way to quickly. First of all, I don't really know your MC. How am I supposed to feel bad for the break up or good for the relationship-get-together if I don't really know what she's like. One of your number one things to do with a short story is find a way to quickly develop your main character, or else the readers will experience no emotion.

The story itself was fine, just make your characters more 'round' instead of 'flat.'

Sorry this took so long! I'm really busy, finals and all.

Keep writing!

Classy

Isn't it ironic that I was listening to the Fearless album when reading this? When I got to the end, I went back to track 1 which is actually 'Fearless'.
Anyway, I definitely liked it. The other reviewers before me posted most of the spelling and grammar mistakes, so I don't see the point of pointing them out again.
For some reason though, even though this is a short story, it seemed like you kind of rushed the ending.
Keep writing!
Jane

Heya yuri
Thanks for being, like, one of the only people who actually posted their entries for my contest. As promised, and requested, I'm here to review it.

“So, you’re more into cheerleaders, right?” I glared at him ironically, he nodded quietly.

Classic guy...

“It’s not that I hate you or something related to that.” He explained softly, and then his eyes locked my gaze.

I'm not sure if this is just me, but I found this dialogue kind of weird. Maybe it would sound better if you wrote something like, "It's not that I hate you or something," The last part didn't really sound necessary to me.

Then, I suddenly looked at Chris. He seemed so confused.

The word, 'Then', isn't really needed here. I think that you should take it out.

My mind was brainstorming like a lawyer debating in a court. My heart was beating fast, as I slowly paced towards the dance hall.

You don't need the comma here.

“I meant, I don’t only like you as a friend… I love you like a girl I want to be with," he paused then continued, “just for the record.” He grinned.

Then, he leaned towards me and then finally, his lips touched my cheeks.

You like using the word, Then, don't you? I think that you should tone that done a bit. It only adds unneeded words to your story!

In a storm in my best dress, fearless…

Awww... nice ending!


Overall

I was pretty impressed with this! I could tell that you put some effort into this, which is something that I always love. Like others have said, it is a bit on the cliché side. Thankfully though, I think that you wrote it well and the fact that it was cliché didn't really bother me. The story itself was sweet and I think that you wrote it well. There also weren't any real grammar mistakes, just the odd misused comma. Except for a few commas, your grammar was perfect. I also noticed that your spelling was flawless. See what I did there...?

I'm not going to say much, mainly because all of the other reviewers have said anything that I would really say. So yeah, sorry if I repeat what everyone else has said. My main nit-pick about this is the fact that I feel it moves a bit too quickly, especially at the end. I would have liked to have found out more about your MC, as well. I especially would have liked to know more about her relationship with Brad and Chris. How long had she been dating Chris? How did he treat her? Badly, I assumed, but I would have liked for you to show me that. As for Chris, how long had they been best friends? How long had they liked each other? It would have been nice if you'd slowed the pace of the story down and told us about some of these things. That way, us readers would have felt more connected to your characters and we would have been able to emphasize with them. That is always a very important thing to achieve when writing a story or a novel.

What I liked best about this story is probably the concept of it. Although it was cliché, the way you wrote it was very nice. You have a good writing style that is not awkward to read and it flows nicely. That is always very important in a story, not many people seem to realise that. Most people connect the flow of writing to poetry, but it's also really important in fiction. You achieve a good flow, so well done for that. Another thing I like about the concept of this is the fact that what you wrote was really sweet. I've noticed that when you write romantic fiction, you do it very well. In my opinion, romance is definitely your strong point when it comes to writing. You often come up with some very appealing ideas that you end up writing really well!

Keep writing!

xoxo Rhian

Hello, I am Kiara. You can call me Kiki if you'd like, a lot of people do. I will be reviewing your story here.

...now he’s dumping me like a piece of trash.

I didn’t think he was sincere enough, but his hands were shaking.

My mouth trembled, as if to hold me back from crying.

I didn’t want him to see me crying like a complete total idiot,

The words "Complete" and "Total" mean the same thing, so don't state it twice.

...acting as if it is the end of this big, mad world.

...and went off of my brother’s black Toyota car,

No need for the underlined word.

I didn’t want to see Brad looking at me, all alone.

What? Did she expect him to think she'd get another date in less than twenty-four hours of a break up? Is this dance that big of a deal?

Wow, news spreads fast.

I felt the chilly air against my skin. It was cold.

We, as readers, would have understood that by simply reading the "chilly air" part.

In a storm in my best dress, fearless…

Love, love, love, love that song! When I read the title of this story, I was singing that same lyric in my head over and over lol.

Overall:
This story isn't a bad one. It entertains, and your writing isn't down right horrendous, and that's always a good thing. You have a bit of a problem with simple subject verb agreements and punctuation, but that can easily be fixed. The story would be better if you inserted more information of the characters and their backgrounds. Give us indications of how the main character knew her boyfriend was leaving her for another girl, and what their relationship was like before the break up had happened. It couldnt've been swell. Also, I would like to know more about Chris. It would be a lot sweeter if we could get to know Chris's personality and what he's like, besides being in love with his best friend.

I love the original song and this, this wonderful story really captures the song, I guess. I loved it!

Hey Yuri! I'm here to review. Comments in red, as usual.

Yuriiko wrote:This is for Skins' music with Words contest. Hope you like it, guys!

Spoiler! :

Just to let you know, I edited some parts. Thanks Lava and Suzanne for that.

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“I’m sorry, Sandy. I can’t do this anymore.”There is conflict in this sentence, yes, but this kind of conflict plays off the reader's connection to the main character. It relies on the reader being grounded and knowing what the situation is. At this point we don't know anything, so it's not working very well. He said in a low voice, his eyes filled with guilt. I'm not sure about the eyes filled with guilt part. There should be a better way of phrasing it. It's not awkward, just bland.

What?

I felt negative vibes flowing through my veins. Just vibes? When someone says that to me my initial reaction is a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. Her reaction is somewhat weak. My heart sank with anger and rejection. Help us feel the anger and rejection. My heart sank is all right, but the anger and rejection part is too in-your-face, IMO. My eyes wandered throughout his inexplicable facial expression. Awkward. We’d been [Deleted just - sentence flows better without it.] dating for three months and now he’s dumping me like a trash. Stating the obvious. And if your MC actually thinks it then it shows she doesn't really feel much, or is stung much. More on this later.

“I’m sorry…” he apologized. Get rid of "apologized". It's redundant since he just said sorry. I didn’t think he was sincere [Deleted enough, because it makes her sound petty.] but his hands shook. The words were and was slow down prose and kill it. Try to avoid them as much as possible.

“So, you’re more into cheerleaders, right?” I glared at him ironically Why is it ironic? As far as I know it's expected, and therefore not ironic. Ironic means that what happened was the opposite of what was expected, so the word ironic was misused here.; he nodded quietly. He said nothing Redundant. You just said he was quiet in the previous sentence, "he said nothing" isn't needed. but I completely understood him because of his guilty face. Just by saying the word 'cheerleader', ...What wounded her ears? Saying the word cheerleader? It's not clear in this sentence. Revise. wounded my ears. It was like a knife cutting through it. Wounded is a pretty cliched visual, IMO, so I recommend you change it. But if you do keep it, then this last sentence is redundant. Cut it. By the way, I just noticed that there hasn't been any description of the surroundings so far. Insert some.

I breathed in and puckered my dry lips. I'm not sure if puckered is the word you're looking for, because when you say pucker I think: kiss. oo"

“I can’t believe you.” My mouth trembled as if to hold me back from crying. [Deleted then] No words came from his guilt-ridden face Guilt-ridden is weird. Also, you might want to show this rather than tell it.. A few people started to stare at us as I heard silent murmurs filling the strange atmosphere. Lots of adjectives in that sentence. I can forgive one or two, but the strange atmosphere part will work better shown. How is it weird?

“Just like that?” I shrugged and felt my jaw tighten. Holding back my tears, I sniffed. I don't know why, but this scene doesn't exactly play out smoothly in my head. She shruggs, her jaw tightens, and she sniffs. The shrug doesn't fit in, Yuri. Taking it out will fix everything. I didn’t want him to see me crying like a [Deleted complete - pick one: complete or total.] total idiot, acting as if it was the end of this big mad world.

“It’s not that I hate you or something like (I changed it because it was stilted before) that,” he explained softly. His eyes locked my gaze. "And then" murders the flow.

Gosh… Personally, I think first person flows better when thoughts aren't separated. Actually, all POVs are better when the thoughts blend into the narrative. But that's beside the point. This is first person so you don't have to mark out thoughts. Those beautiful blue orbs stunning like the stars at night, was one of the factors why I fell for this guy. There is something terribly wrong with this sentence. It's awkward and there are a LOT of adjectives there. Burn the adjectives and rephrase the sentence. Also, describing eyes as orbs is cliched so change that bit.

“Tell me about it,” I gazed down, ignoring his eyes before my cheeks flushed pink.

“Sandy---" before he could say more, the [Deleted school]lunch bell rang through the hallway.

“Bye.” I smiled at him for the last time. I turned my back at him and hurriedly went off for my first afternoon class. Awkward sentence. Revise. Also, when you said lunch bell I thought it meant that lunch break was starting sooo...oo"



“I can’t believe it.” I stamped off my feet against the campus field. I'm not sure about the last part. I can't put my finger on what's wrong with it, but it's kinda awkward and I don't think it's entirely correct. My childhood friend, Chris,walked with me as we headed off of the school campus. It was actually our everyday routine. Would she think this out of the blue? Give her a reason to think of it.

“I’m sorry, Dee. I told you ‘love at first sight’ doesn’t really work out.” Chris mumbled and his eyes looked up at the blue sky. This is awkwardly phrased. Revise. Also, he's a terrible friend if that's what he tells her.

“And do you know the best thing about that? The high school dance’s tomorrow!” I paused and let out a big sigh, “This is the worst day of my life.” She's pretty nonchalant about it. She should be broken up. Torn. In fact, she should have murdered the guy for what he said. The emotions are, as a result, flat. Lacks a realistic quality.

Then, I suddenly looked at Chris. Don't tell me she did it suddenly, because she probably doesn't know it was sudden. Show me the reaction of the other person to prove to me she did it suddenly. Also, give us a thought process here. This is first person. We know what the narrator thinks, Yuri. He seemed so confused. I doubt she'd notice that. Remember, she's extremely bummed at the moment.

“What, Sandy?” he snapped. Snapped? Why snapped? Is he mad at her for looking at him? Oops… he saw me looking at him.

“N-Nothing… Are you okay?” I asked softly, puzzled.

“Nothing, Dee.” He started to grin at me, not in a flirtatious way but it made my cheeks strawberry red. Very awkward sentence. Too much going on, flow is all over the place and phrasing is simply weird. Revise. Also, he was snapping at her a moment ago, but now he's grinning? He's coming off as bipolar.

“I should be asking you that.” Then he gave me his worried face[Deleted before my eyes - it made no sense.]. I smiled to assure him I was really okay but the mask didn’t cover up all my mood, so tears came Came is a pretty weak verb. Try switching it out with a stronger verb. right out of my eyes. Chris studied my face then gave me an encouraging smile as he held out his hand and wiped away my tears.

His warm fingers against my cheeks comforted me. The word fingers kind of kills any romanticism the sentence had. Also, there's a consistency problem here. This sentence implies he used both hands, because she feels his hands on both cheeks. But in the previous paragraph you said he only held out one hand. Clear it up. ^^ It's minor, but still.

Then my heart skipped a beat... Cliched, but I'll let it pass. It can’t possibly be happening.

“I’m really sorry,” he said in a low voice then gently clasped my hand.

Grey clouds covered the sunlight as dry leaves began to rustle in a different manner. First bit of atmosphere I've seen so far.

“I don’t like you, Dee… just for the record,” he looked at me again From what I can imagine he's still facing her. then chuckled under his breath.
His pompous statement made me laugh.

“You wish.” I smiled back at him and punched his right arm.

Okay, I'll be honest. I did a line by line for the rest and saved the draft, only when I loaded it I lost all the line by line crit I did since that part. And I'm really not in the mood to do it again, so I'll just go ahead and skip to the final thoughts. (You told me to skip the line by line anyway. >>")

Here we go.

First - you lack description. There's hardly any in here, and whenever I see it, it's told. I'd like to see you show for once. Chekhov said it best. "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of broken glass in the moonlight." Or something like that. But it's something to write by. You don't tell me the room is cold. Show me the people inside rubbing their hands and snuggling close to each other for warmth.

Your character, I'm sorry to say, is a little weak on the voice. There's nothing compelling about her thought process, about her way of perceiving things. Why? Because you don't show us her thoughts. The thoughts you do show us are ones that we already figured out. The obvious ones. Show me her snarky comments on the mean cheerleader. Or, if she's not that kind of girl, have her reflect on why he dumped her. Thoughts will help give your MC voice. Voice is important in all point of views, but doubly so in the first person point of view.

Contrary to popular belief, first person is actually a hard POV to pull off, and most people advise writing in third person unless the character's voice is so compelling you can't help but write it from her point of view. So take a step back and think objectively, Yuri. Is Sandy's voice strong enough? Is there something that truly marks her out, that makes her something different? If so, inject it into her voice. I've read a handful of first person POVs so far, so I'll use them as examples here.

Let's take The Perks of Being a Wallflower first. Here, Charlie's voice is extremely unique in that he reflects a LOT on everything. He truly sees things in a different light, and he's somber yet he's not depressing, funny but not a clown, etc. That marks him out, and makes his voice different from everything else. My second example will be Cracked Up To Be. The main character, Parker, has voice. She's scarred, and you can tell it from the beginning even though she tries her best to sound tough. There's something haunted about her voice, and she provides a cynical view of high school. This is why the story is written from her point of view. Her personality is strong enough to carry the story.

Now that we've covered voice, let's move on to word choice. Your word choice is weak and often I see a better alternative to the words you've chosen. You tend to rely on adverbs to supplement the weaker verbs. Think carefully before writing the words down, Yuri, because each and every word affects the piece. She walked towards the park - it's a neutral sentence. She dashed to the park - there's a sense of urgency now. She trudged to the park - a burden weighs down the sentence. Picking the right verbs can make or break a piece.

You also rely on adjectives a lot, which circles back to your habit of telling. Adjectives are more forgivable than adverbs, though. A good rule of thumb - one adverb every two pages is about right.

There are several awkward sentences and grammatical blunders there, but the blunders are common ones I hear in our country everyday. Actually, taking into account that English is your second language, this is pretty good. The mistakes are understandable, I suppose. Your tenses are inconsistent, though, so you might want to fix that. Pick one tense and stick to it the entire piece.

Your storyline is expected and cliched, but I take it this is from a Taylor Swift song? No offense to her, (actually, the fact that she can tell stories through her songs is pretty cool) but she's not the most original and if this is inspired by her, then I can tell how you ended up with this plot. And considering the fact that this is entered in Skins's contest, which )if I remember correctly) involved spinning a story around an album, then this was probably the only story you can come up with.

The emotions in this aren't real enough. I mean, later on the best friend asks her why she's not in the gym. As the best friend, he should know enough to understand her sadness. He's also quite tactless (Love at first sight never works out), yet she doesn't slap him. It's a wonder. Also, how did she recover from the broken relationship so easily? It doesn't strike me as plausible. The reader cannot connect with your main character because you breeze over the emotions. In fact, it feels like you crammed this story into a short time frame. Which makes it really awkward and rushed. Expound on the emotions, Yuri, because romance puts an emphasis on making the reader feel. The ability of a romance novel to make you feel is as important as the ability of a fantasy novel to transport you to its magical world. Don't rush it, because it's a vital part of the genre and, in effect, your story.

Also, sad to say, I despise the best friend. He's annoying and tactless and he's quite brazen. The boyfriend also needs to be developed a bit more. Work on character development.

There are minor inconsistencies throughout the story (just nitpicks, really) so maybe read it again and check?

Anyway, this review is based entirely on my opinion so don't take it as anything definitive. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

thanks Kara for that!