Young Writers Society

All comments are welcome and appreciated. =] This is just the first bit of a longer scene which I have finished.

“Noah!” a girl screamed, as she came tumbling out of the house in a whirl of red curls, landing, rather ungracefully, in the lanky boy’s arms.

Surprisingly not started, Noah Langdon wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. He whispered softly in her ear, his voice slow and heavy, “Hey there, Fee. I missed you.”

Felicity pulled away from the boy, with a look in her eye, and a half smile on her face. “Now, I hope that’s the biggest understatement of the year, Langdon, or I might just have to break-up with you.” She teased him as she always had.

Noah didn’t miss a beat, “Oh, I’m sorry Miss. Park. I briefly forgot who I was talking to, I thought you were my other easily satisfied girlfriend.” The smile evident in his voice was met with a mock glare from the girl. “I missed more than Prince Charming missed Cinderella, more than Aladdin missed Jasmine, and more than the Beast missed Belle. Better?”

The playful fire that danced behind Felicity’s a moment before was replaced with a bright shine one only gets when they are truly happy. “Well the Disney theme was a little weak,” the conviction gone from her voice, “but I guess it will do.” She trailed off as she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest, sighing contently.

He bent down and kissed her hair softly and then pulled her chin up to face him, “I really did miss you, Fee.”

“I know.”She whispered.

Noah leaned down and gently touched his lips to her’s, lingering for a moment, before he lifted his head and looked once again into her eyes, “And I missed that,” Noah sighed.

“Well, of course, you’re a guy. I am stunningly attractive, it’s only natural,” Felicity’s words dripped with playful sarcasm. Her eyes searched Noah’s face, she tried to memorize his features, in case he ever had to leave her again.

“What can I say, you’re just irresistible,” Noah continued, smiling.

“You’re gonna make me blush, Langdon.” She paused, looking up once again at the boy. ”Well, Come on then, before I say something embarrassingly mushy.” Felicity tried to lead the boy up the walk. He wouldn’t budge. She tried again, grabbing his hand and yanking, but no cigar. She looked back, “What?”

Noah raised his eyebrows, “I like it when you say embarrassingly mushy things.”

“And I like it when I win lotteries, unfortunately, neither will happen any time soon,” Felicity joked as she tried to once again to make him move. He stayed rooted on the spot.

“Nope. Not going anywhere, Fee.” He pulled her back and to his side, smiling a crooked half smile.

“Until?”

He put his arm over her shoulder, turning to look at her, “Until you say something embarrassingly mushy.” He crooked his eyebrow, playfully daring to her defy him.

A bit of an awkward place to end, but more is coming!

This is interesting. Definiatly something that I would read. Let me know when you add more to it.

First of all, let me know when you post more. I loved this.

Second, this isn't that long. I've seen some that were longer. Heck, I've posted some that were longer. Yes, there have been some that were obnoxiously long, but this doesn't come close. Well done.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

Thankyou both for your comments. Its always nice to here that others like your work

That was very pretty!

Hey! Just some nitpicks.

“NOAH!” a mass of blurred red curls screamed, as they came hurdling out of the old house, and into the lanky boy’s arms.

Take out the caps in "NOAH" and put it in italics and then put the exclamation mark. Ex: Noah! When I read this sentence, I immediately imagined a red wig with tiny feet, running out to greet Noah. This description is a little awkward, but you can polish it up. Maybe say something like: "Noah!" At first, all he saw was her mass of blurred red curls as she came hurdling out of the old house. It's much easier to envision.

Surprising not started, Noah Langdon wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight, “Hey there, Fee,” he said softly into her ear, “I missed you.”

First, that's a lot of commas in one sentence. Try breaking it up. And it should be: Surprised, but not startled, Noah Langdon...

Felicity pulled away from the boy, with a look in her eye, and a half smile on her face. “Now, I hope that is the biggest understatement of the year, Langdon, or I might just have to break-up with you,” she teased him as she always had.

"Now I hope that's the biggest understatement of the year, Langdon, or I might just have to break up with you." She teased him as she always had.

Noah didn’t miss a beat, “Oh, I’m sorry Miss. Park. I briefly forgot who I was talking to, I thought you were my other easily satisfied girlfriend,” the smile evident in his voice was met with a mock glare from the girl. “I missed more than Prince Charming missed Cinderella, more than Aladdin missed Jasmine, and more than the Beast missed Belle. Better?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Miss Park. I briefly forgot who I was talking to. I thought you were my other easily satisfied girlfriend." The smile evident in his voice was met with a mock glare from the girl.

The playful fire that danced behind Felicity’s a moment before, was replaced with a bright shine one only gets when they are truly happy. “Well the Disney theme was a little weak,” the conviction gone from her voice, “but I guess it will do,” she trailed off as she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest, sighing contently.

The playful fire that danced behind Felicity's eyes a moment before was replaced with a bright shine that one only gets when they are truly happy. "Well, the Disney theme was a little weak." The conviction was gone from her voice. "But I guess it will do," she trailed off as she wrapped her arms around him.

He bent down and kissed her hair softly, and then pulled her chin up to face him

Take out the comma.

“And I missed that,” Noah signed.

Noah sighed.

“You’re going to make me blush, Langdon,” she paused looking up once again at the boy.

"You're going to make me blush, Langdon." She paused, looking up once again at the boy.

Noah raised his eyebrows, “I like it when you say embarrassingly mushy things.”

Noah raised his eyebrows. "I like it when you say embarrassingly mushy things."

“Nope. Not going anywhere, Fee” He pulled her back and to his side, smiling a crooked half smile.

"Nope. Not going anywhere, Fee." He pulled her back to his side, smiling a crooked half smile.

He put his arm over her shoulder, turning to look at her, “Until you say something embarrassing mushy.” He crooked his eyebrow, playfully daring her to defy him.

He put his arm over her shoulders, turning to look at her. "Until you say something embarrassingly mushy." He crooked his eyebrow, playfully daring her to defy him.

Alright, this was extremely cute and it made me smile, but you have to work on your dialogue (I am a little shaky on it, so you might want to double check my corrections). Also, make sure to double check your comma usage.

I am absolutely in love with Noah and Fee's relationship; it seems easy and carefree and...well cute. But, in this chapter I don't learn much about them. I don't know where Noah was before he came back, I don't know how their relationship was like before he left. I don't really know much of anything. So, slow down the pace a little bit and take time to describe things in more detail. I understand that this is only part one of your chapter, but you should explain just enough to let the readers know what's going on and keep them engaged. Which, brings me to another point. Your beginning didn't really draw me in. If this is part of the larger piece, you need to have a good hook. Make something exciting and jaw dropping happen!

Besides all that, this was a nice little scene and (this is going to sound weird) it actually relaxed me and put me in a good mood. I would love, love, love to read more (since it puts me in good mood haha).

Good luck,

Embee.

Thankyou so much! I will definitely correct those mistakes. Those little mistakes really creep up on you. I am not sure if you will check back here, but ill reply to some of your comments anyway.

I completely agree with the need for a hook. I thought about putting a prologue in, but since this is a fantasy novel, I couldn't think of a way to do it without it being cliche and twilight-ey.

Also, I laughed with your comment about the red wig and tiny legs, because that is sort of the reaction I wanted the reader to have, but I think I have come up with a good way to clarify that without loosing the effect I want.

And more backstory is coming, actually a little later in this scene. I just really didnt want to get info-dumpy at the beginning.

Thanks a ton!

Hai there! Here as requested!

So I don't have much to say about this. It was very entertaining, and though you used many, many cliche's in here, it was still fun to read. The playfulness of the characters and their chemistry is flawless.

What I mean about the cliches is that when you were describing the boy (is it Noah or Langdon? I was a bit confused there) that you said things that many authors have. You can explain his looks, her perfectness, but not all at one time. Since this does seem to be a longer work (you have chapters) then you have plenty of time to describe them. I like how you just hinted to us her hair color, so do the same with the boy! At the moment, only mention his eyes (saying that they're ocean like that seem to go on forever are definitely cliches) because them looking at each other seem to be a big point in this piece.

As I said before, the chemistry made this so good. I want to read more about their relationship and see where it's going.

P.s. I liked how you stopped at an awkward point!

Keep writing,

Classy

HaHa sounds like the relationship I have with my Girl Friend. Quite intertaining I must say. But enough about me more about your story. It sounds great and it realy does get me in a good mood which I enjoy. I also really liked the discription of each of Noah. But you might want to add in a quick descriptor of the girl too just to even it out. And for the post above me NITPICKY IS MY LINE! lol Keep writing i want to read more my friend

Hey hey ^^ So I figured I might as well review the first half before I take a look at the second. In general, I think you've got a good scene here but I don't like it as a beginning, there's just too little hook and not enough plot here. It works to have a lovey dovey scene between characters the reader already knows but when introducing them, there needs to be some plot or action. It's a little boring otherwise.

Surprisingly not startled, [I don't feel that surprisingly is the right word. It isn't a surprise and nor should it be one. Clearly the two know each other very well and do a lot of flopping into one another's arms.] Noah Langdon wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. He whispered softly in her ear, his voice slow and heavy, “Hey there, Fee. I missed you.”

Felicity pulled away from the boy, with a look in her eye, [What sort of look? It's a little pointless to say there was a look and not describe it XD Mischevious? Disapointed?] and a half smile on her face. “Now, I hope that’s the biggest understatement of the year, Langdon, or I might just have to break-up with you.” She teasedhim as she always had. [Hmmm. Calling a boyfriend by his second name? That seems a tad odd to me ^^]

Noah didn’t miss a beat, “Oh, I’m sorry Miss. Park. I briefly forgot who I was talking to, I thought you were my other easily satisfied girlfriend.” The smile evident in his voice was met with a mock glare from the girl. “I missed you more than Prince Charming missed Cinderella, more than Aladdin missed Jasmine, and more than the Beast missed Belle. Better?”

Getting a little too mushy and gushy too early on? Call me a cynic but there's a big part of me wishing this was a horror book so I could see them satisfactorially flattened. Being all cute and couply works better when we know the characters as indivisuals first. It's too over-the-top for a starting point.

Noah leaned down and gently touched his lips to her’s hers, lingering for a moment, before he lifted his head and looked once again into her eyes, “And I missed that,” Noah sighed.

[/quote]

I quite liked the ending. Noah's a pretty amusing character but I wish there was more plot to this?

Characters

Fee bugged me a bit, there didn't seem to be any sincerity or seriousness about her. I'd have liked there to be a line or two of serious conversation somewhere amongst all that playing, something that would give us a hint of reality. She hasn't seen her boyfriend in what seems to be a long time, surely she's worked up a whole list of things she intended to say. I know when my friends get back after being away, we always end up on the conversation of what's been happening and what house problems there are within five minutes, even when we're being all hyper and jokey.

Noah was better. I felt that he had a little more depth to him, especially at the end but I'd like more description. Is he tired after this travel? Carrying a bag which he drops when she throws herself at him? Also what house is she coming out of? Her house, their house? Do they live together or has he been home, dumped stuff and then come to see her? Your readers are starving for information here! Which brings me on to...

Plot

It's not that you shouldn't start like this, it's more that you need to giver the reader more to work with. There needs to be at least a little discussion of where he's been and a hint of some sort of conflict or plot. A reader likes to know what they're getting involved with early on so they can decide if they want to ditch or stay along for the ride. If you don't interest them, they'll be putting the book down.

Description

You've got a few lovely lines in there but perhaps spice it up a bit? You concentrate a lot on what can be seen, maybe think about the other four senses a little.
Smell: Can Noah smell her perfume?
Touch: How does his skin feel against Fee when she jumps at him? When her lips touch his do they tingle?
Taste: Not one you use often but worth knowing.
Hear: You've got the sound of his voice which is nice but... what about the sounds around them? Someone mowing the lawn in a neighbouring garden? The rumble of traffic? Sounds from inside the house?


Alright, no comments on your dialogue as I liked most of that and my main advice is that you need to think about the bigger picture, the events going on outside of this little reunion in terms of both plot and scene.

I'll speak to you again once I've read the next part,

Heather xx