Young Writers Society

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Hello Stela!

Okay, here as requested. It is pretty good, and I know a few people who would relate to this well. Anyway, onto nitpicks.

Emphysema.

In this, as well as prev chapter, I would prefer if the disease is in italics. It would seem more like she's thinking of it then.

"She's innocent." Elyssa's said as she checked her Blackberry.

There was once a time when it was just a fruit.

He was about 17seventeen with blue eyes and blond hair. Max was German.

I would prefer it if this description was played with, to 'show' us what he looks like.Try something like "He looked seventeen, a blue-eyed blonde. He spoke with a German accent..." Well, play around.

It was now 9:30.

"It was 9:30 now." looks better to read.

"Hmm...' She sighed absent mindfully

A little typo. EDIT: And it's 'absentmindedly' not '-fully.'

She quickly put it in her shopping back.

I think you mean shopping bag.

As the minutes dragged on,

Another typo.

Okay, so I like where this is going. I'd like to read more of it definitely. Now, one thing I'd like to suggest to you, is to show us more of your MC. You need to make us feel what she feels, because right now, it looks like I'm observing her actions. That said, it isn't bad, it's good, what you've written.
PM me if you have any questions.

~Lava

Hai there! Here as requested.

So, what I really like about this is the dialogue. It's so realistic, and really puts me in the moment. You write it so that it sounds like they're actually having a conversation instead of big breaks between the words.

What I don't like about this, however, is how fast you move.

Firstly, I thought the main concept was about them meeting the guys? And then you go and separate them, and make is to there is no plot for the rest of the scene. I like this, trust me I do, your writing is great and attention grabbing, though I am failing to see the plot at the moment.

Sure there has to be scenes where you are transitioning, but this entire thing added no concept to the plot whatsoever.

Secondly, the last part moves so fast. It's from the parking lot, to the mall, into the store, out of the store, and so on, all quick with no description. Put some symbolism, foreshadowing, character description, something in there to make it more interesting!

Keep going with this, I would like to see what happens. My final advise is to not have long blocks where nothing is happening. The second half of it was useless.

A way to change it and make it better? Add something to make her personality come alive. Have her comment on everything that's happening, in depth. Have you ever read the Catcher in the Rye? Well that book is amazing because the first two-three chapters are all about establishing the main character's personality. Remember it's your story and you can take however long you want to do something, but be sure to make it interesting.

Keep writing!

Classy