Young Writers Society

Here goes the chapter five. I am glad I reached here. Reviews welcome.


Chapter-5

OLIVIA
3:55 AM

I let the water from the shower drip away Amanda’s blood from my body and into the murky drainage pipes. I wiped the water from my face, constantly looking at the wall. I couldn’t believe that I had killed her. Maybe the task was difficult, but the ecstatic feel I was feeling now, was something that I couldn’t ignore. I turned off the shower’s knob and then retrieved a fresh towel from a cabinet near by. After that, I dried my body and wrapped the towel around me. I wiped the bathroom floor with a wiper and sent the water down the drain to be mixed with stale water. Though the colour of the water and that of Amanda’s blood differed, the one thing that remained the same was their impurity. They both were musty and dirty. Amanda was what one could call a yokel.
I was now ready for a sleep, a content sleep, a sleep where I could see those beautiful dreams which were actually going to transform into reality. The dream of my fame as an actress.

I was wondering about Amanda. Where her ruthless soul would be now? I wondered.She had done a lot of mistreatment to me and I had taken enough of it, but yesterday night was not something which I could forgive her for. She had snatched away my dream role from me. I wasn’t sure if Josh was going to sign me up but had Amanda not been there, my chances would have been fairly high. She was no good, which I am definitely sure of but no one selects a lame duck over a successful celebrity like her. I was damn sure that Josh wouldn’t have even taken my auditions had she been alive.


I grabbed a frozen sandwich from my refrigerator and set it in the microwave along with the timer. Though it wasn’t an appropriate time to eat, but my stomach was growling with hunger and before a rat race started inside it, I had to eat something. I hadn’t eaten anything at the premiere after what Amanda did. I had lost my appetite, all because of her.
I went to take out a beer can from the adjacent cupboard. I opened a Budweiser beer can and gulped down the entire drink in one go. I didn’t know that I was this thirsty, until I drank it and couldn’t resist the temptation of one more. After drinking down another can, I could feel the walls and furniture dancing in front of me and it seemed that someone was making me dance along with them. Though I had taken only two cans, but I was feeling drowsier because I was tired. I opened my eyes wide so that I could see things clearly. But my effort went to waste as everything around me continued to look muzzy. My cell phone was vibrating in my pocket. I waited for a second or so to confirm that I was actually hearing it and not hallucinating. After I was sure that it was part of reality, I took it out and pressed the green button on it and then pressed it close to my ears.
“Hellllooo,” I sang, still under effects of intoxication.
“Are you all right?” my friend, Rudy asked.
“Why?” I asked her in amazement. Had the news of me dancing along with the walls and furniture of my house been broadcasted on BBC?
“You dunno? Didn’t you watch the news?” she spoke in a hiss.
“No dumbo. I had been sleeping,” I lied. By now, I was fully aware of what the matter was as I recalled me murdering Amanda.
“Then you should watch the news yourself. I am not in a state to tell you this,” she burst into sobs.
My head was in terrible pain and I pressed it hard with my hand. “Wait. Be on the line, Rudy,” I said as tried to comfort her.
“I am here. I am here,” she repeated again, to comfort me, to tell me that I wasn’t alone.
But in reality, she was the one in need of support.
I scanned the room to find my TV remote lying on the sofa. I walked there and took it in my hands, pressing the red button. The screen came to life and I watched it. It was there; the news of her murder. the news of my crime, or rather good deed. I changed the channel but the same news was there. I tried next channel but in vain. Everywhere she was spread like malaria. No channel had left itself behind in capturing the footage of Chief Sean Kerr’s interview.
The female news reporter, dressed in her black business suit and white pearl earrings was reading out the report of Amanda’s death to us.
“The police can’t yet tell how exactly she died, but they are sure that it was a murder and not a suicide.”
“The news has come as a great shock and grief to lovely Amanda’s fans, which they all will have trouble in getting over with. Her death, it seems has put every one of her fans into a great abyss. Her next release, I Wish I Were You’, slated for a November release will be called her last ever released film. Let us take you to Samantha Williams, reporting live from outside the LAPD station.” The reporter was exaggerating. Okay, Amanda was a big star and all but she wasn’t going to affect the life of her fans. The next day they would move, sit and eat the same way they had been doing the day before. Their lives would come back to normal.
But my life was going to get normal, maybe, beyond normal. I was pretty much sure that my life was going to get exciting from now on with colours of happiness spread all over.

Samantha, a Black American was taking Chief’s interview with a gloomy expression on her face. Sure, she is acting, I thought to myself. Rain was pouring heavily and the chief was wearing his raincoat and so was Samantha. The Chief was a middle-aged man, with a lusty appearance, a moustache and a round potbelly. He had thick eyebrows which were slightly curved and a big Roman nose. He wasn’t a good-looking man but something about his mannerism and confidence was interesting me. I had heard of him before. Officer Sean Kerr of LAPD was more than just a chief; he was an idol for all the aspiring policemen out there and was a case study at the national police academy.
“So chief, have you been able to find anything till now?” Samantha inquired which brought me back to their sizzling conversation about lovely Amanda’s murder.
“Nothing very solid as of now but we’re pretty much sure that we’ll have something better to report tomorrow morning,” he said, his face sedate.
“We have heard that Amanda’s limousine driver has also been found murdered in the car this night.”
“Yes, we also found him and I am sure that the two murders are linked,” he wiped off sweat from his moustache with his handkerchief.
“Do you suspect a serial killer at work?” Samantha narrowed her almond eyebrows. I leaned forward to read Chief’s expressions more clearly. I wanted to know his verdict on this.
“No comments,” the chief said and at once walked inside the station with a blonde following him.
How come they found him so soon? I had killed him in a discreet and silent location. They shouldn’t have found him until tomorrow morning with the sun on its top, I thought. Did someone see me shooting him and the police are not disclosing his identity to protect him? All these thoughts were bustling into my head as I watched the television with horror. That was once when I thought I was in trouble. But soon this unpleasant memory was washed over by the ecstatic hope of the role in Josh’s film.
I came back out of my reverie, into the present world.
“Olivia! Olivia? You there?” I heard Rudy’s voice ringing in my ears. I let her get more worried by not replying back instantly. I wanted to appear miserable to her
“Yes, I am there,” I said slowly, more of a mumble. I tried to pant to add that special effect.
“Are you alright? Do you want me to come over? I can come,” she offered. Everything she was speaking came out of her in haste, as if she wanted to talk about something else.
“No, I’ll be fine. Shouldn’t we go to the police?” I said in a grief struck voice to her.
“Not now. They’ll surely call us when they need us,” she said.
“I cannot believe she’s gone. Forever,” I burst into artificial tears. Someday, I had to start acting so why not from today.
“So can’t I. I think we both should be together. I’ll come over or you come. It’s neither safe nor intelligent to stay lonely and forlorn. We should be boosting each other’s morale,” she said. I couldn’t believe that she was using such heavy words.
“I think I’ll come. It would be nice to have somewhere else to stay at.” I made my choice.
“That’s good. Bring your luggage for some days. I think we should be staying together for some time till…” She was afraid to continue on.
“As you wish.”
“I want to ask you something,” she hesitated. Rudy was never among the ones who were shy or hesitated. She was a brave, outspoken and confident girl.
“Shoot.” I replied back slowly.
“Weren’t you with her the previous night at the premier? Do you have any idea who could be behind this?” She was still very uneasy.
“I was with her. But then she went off back alone with her limo driver. I came back here,” I said. I looked up at the green ceiling while waiting for her to reply.
“Damn that person. How could he or she do it? She or he must be having guts for killing such a celebrity,” she announced her verdict. I felt a surge of happiness running into my head as I took the comment on me. Sure, it needed guts. I smiled but my voice remained unchanged.
“I hope the person’s found soon. I’m coming.” I completed the sentence in haste.
“I will be waiting,” she said and with that burst into another set of sobs. This was getting a real headache. I didn’t wait for her to bid goodbye and hung up the phone.


4:18 AM
I stared at the house, which was giving me jitters. I was unsure of how was I going to react to Rudy’s hysteric behaviour; she was getting too melodramatic and keeping up pace with her was getting tougher each passing second. On my way to her house, she had bothered me three times with her calls just to check if I was fine and was still coming or not.
Rudy lived in a small rented house near the main Hollywood city. The light of her bedroom was on and I could see her silhouette moving here and there; panicking. I guessed she was waiting for me. I could smell the damp smell of the rain which had stopped now. I lifted up my suitcase and walked towards the entrance, and pulled back my hair. Then I locked my car with the automatic car remote.

“You’ve come?” I sensed relief in Rudy’s sweet voice as she ran towards me and greeted me with a huge hug outside her home, making me realize that I had been lost in wonderland for the past five minutes.
“I guess.” I remained calm but sad.
“You don’t know what kinds of thoughts were jamming into my head all this while. I thought I had risked you. I should’ve come, its not safe for you out here,” she continued, pulling me out of her huge hug. I looked at her. Her eyes had swollen up and her otherwise perfect hair was tied into a messy pony. Even if no one was devastated by Amanda’s death, there was going to be Rudy.
”You needn’t worry. But why you think its not safe for me but for you ? I am okay,” I smiled weakly.
“The person’s killing the ones associated with Amanda, I guess. Just a wild guess.” She began thinking about something. “Lets go inside.” She said and led me straight into her small but comfy house. My feet were barking and I needed to sleep now or else I was going to miss on Josh tomorrow.

Any good?
Thanks for the reviews in advance!

Hey shubhi!
Here to review, obviously

I wiped off water from my face, looking at the wall constantly.

This should be ~ I wiped the water from my face, constantly looking at the wall.

I couldn’t believe that I had killed her. Maybe the task was difficult, but the ecstatic feeling I was feeling now, was something I couldn’t ignore.

Though the colour of the water and that of Amanda’s blood differed, the one thing that remained the same was their impurity.

I loved this sentence!

I was now ready for a sleep, a content sleep; a sleep where I could see those beautiful dreams which were going to transform into reality.

I had lost all my appetite, all because of her.

This should be ~ I had lost my appetite, all because of her.

I didn’t know that I was this much thirsty, until I drank it and couldn’t resist the temptation of one more.

This sentence would sound better as ~ I hadn't realised how thirsty I was until I drank it and couldn't resist the temptation of one more.

“Wait. Be on the line, Rudy,” I said as tried to comfort her.

This one should be ~ Wait. Stay on the line, Rudy,"

“The police can’t yet tell how exactly she died but they are sure that it was a murder and not a suicide.”

The Chief was a middle-aged man, with a lusty appearance, a moustache and a round potbelly. He had thick eyebrows which were slightly curved and a big Roman nose.

I liked this description.

“I would be waiting,” she said and with that burst into another set of sobs.

This should be ~ "I will be waiting,"

My feet were barking and I needed to sleep now or else I was going to miss on Josh tomorrow.

The word barking doesn't sound right here. Try changing it maybe?

Overall
I have to say, I really like it when you write in Olivia's point of view. She is a very interesting character and is rather entertaining to read about. Well done for that shubhi!

My first nit-pick is that your dialogue can sometimes be confusing. It's not overly confusing though so don't worry about that too much. All that you need to do is clear up some of the dialogue, just so it can be a bit easier to understand for all of the readers. This shouldn't be too hard for you to do though.

Another small problem I have with the dialogue is that you tend to have clumps of it. Most of your dialogue seems to be all squished together! You should try spreading it out a bit so it's nicer to read. This kind of effects the flow of your story, making it a bit harder to read. It can kind of get annoying when there are dialogue dumps around and it also effects the flow of the writing. Just something to think about it!

Negatives aside, I really enjoyed this again! Like I said before, I love Olivia's character, she really is evil, isn't she? I adore how she thinks that what she's done was right and how she thinks that she's helping the world. By doing this, you show how sick her mind really is. Well done for that!

I also like a lot of your descriptions. I especially liked the first description I pointed out about the water and Amanda's blood being impure. I thought that it was very clever and effective. There are also lost of other descriptions that I liked, I've pointed most of them out for you.

Like I said before, this was really good in my opinion. Think about what I've suggested and this could be a seriously great chapter!

Post in my WRFF thread if you want another review or post the next chapter of this.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thanks a lot Skins> I would work on the points.

For some reason I'm always here second... anyways I'm here to review .

shubhiloves2write wrote:Here goes the chapter five. I am glad I reached here. Reviews welcome.


Chapter-5

OLIVIA
3:55 AM

I let the water from the shower drip change wrod choice away Amanda’s blood from my body into the murky drainage pipes. I wiped offthe water from my face, looking at the wall constantly. I couldn’t believe that I had killed her. Maybe the task was difficult but the ecstatic feel I was feeling now was something I couldn’t ignore. I turned off the shower’s knob and then retrieved a fresh towel from a cabinet near by,. After that,I dried my body and wrapped the towel around me. Then I wiped the bathroom floor with a wiper and sent the water down the drain to be mixed with water. Though the colour of the water and that of Amanda’s blood differed, the one thing that remained same was their impurity. They both were musty and dirty. Amanda was what one could call a yokel.
I was now ready for a sleep, a content sleep, a sleep where I could see those beautiful dreams which were going to transform into reality. The dream of my fame as an actress.

I was wondering about Amanda. Where her ruthless soul would be now? I wondered. She had done a lot of mistreatment to me and I had taken enough of it but yesterday’s night was not something which I could forgive her for. She had snatched away my dream role from me. I wasn’t sure if Josh was going to sign me up but had Amanda not been there, my chances would have been fairly high. She was no good, which I am definitely sure of, but no one selects a lame duck over a successful celebrity like her. I was damn sure that Josh wouldn’t have even taken my auditions had she been alive.


I grabbed a frozen sandwich from my refridgerator and set it in the microwave along with the timer. Though it wasn’t an appropriate time to eat,but my stomach was growling with hunger and before a rat race started inside it, I had to eat something. I hadn’t eaten anything at the premiere after what Amanda did. I had lost all my appetite, all because of her.
I went to take out a beer can from the adjacent cupboard. I opened a Budweiser beer can and gulped down the entire drink in one go. I didn’t know that I was this much thirsty, until I drank it and couldn’t resist the temptation of one more. After drinking down another can, I could feel the walls and furniture dancing in front of me and it seemed that someone was making me dance along with them. Though I had taken only two cans, but I was feeling drowsier because I was tired. I opened my eyes wide so that I could see things clearly. But my effort went to waste as everything around me continued to look muzzy. My cell phone was vibrating in my pocket. I waited for a second or so to confirm that I was actually hearing it and not hallucinating. After I was sure that it was part of reality, I took it out and pressed the green button on it and then pressed it close to my ears.
“Hellllooo,” I sang, still under effects of intoxication.
“Are you all right?” my friend, Rudy asked.
“Why?” I asked her in amazement. Had the news of me dancing along with the walls and furniture of my house been broadcasted on BBC?
“You dunno? Didn’t you watch the news?” she spoke in a hiss.
“No dumbo. I had been sleeping,” I lied. By now, I was fully aware of what the matter was as I recalled me murdering Amanda.
“Then you should watch the news yourself. I am not in a state to tell you this,” she burst into sobs.
My head was in terrible pain and I pressed it hard with my hand. “Wait. Be on the line, Rudy,” I said as tried to comfort her.
“I am here. I am here,” she repeated again, to comfort me, to tell me that I wasn’t alone.
But in reality, she was the one in need of support.
I scanned the room to find my TV remote lying on the sofa. I walked there and took it in my hands, pressing the red button. The screen came to life and I watched it. It was there; the news of her murder. the news of my crime, or rather good deed. I changed the channel but the same news was there. I tried next channel but in vain. Everywhere she was spread like malaria. No channel had left itself behind in capturing the footage of Chief Sean Kerr’s interview.
The female news reporter, dressed in her black business suit and white pearl earrings was reading out the report of Amanda’s death to us.
“The police can’t yet how exactly she died but they are sure that it was a murder and not a suicide.”
“The news has come as a great shock and grief to lovely Amanda’s fans, which they all will have trouble in getting over with. Her death, it seems has put every one of her fans into a great abyss. Her next release, I Wish I Were You’, slated for a November release will be called her last ever released film. Let us take you to Samantha Williams, reporting live from outside the LAPD station.” The reporter was exaggerating. Okay, Amanda was a big star and all but she wasn’t going to affect the life of her fans. The next day they would move, sit and eat the same way they had been doing the day before. Their lives would come back to normal.
But my life was going to get normal, maybe, beyond normal. I was pretty much sure that my life was going to get exciting from now on with colours of happiness spread all over.

Samantha, a Black American was taking Chief’s interview with a gloomy expression on her face. Sure, she is acting, I thought to myself. Rain was pouring heavily and the chief was wearing his raincoat and so was Samantha. The Chief was a middle-aged man, with a lusty appearance, a moustache and a round potbelly. He had thick eyebrows which were slightly curved and a big Roman nose. He wasn’t a good-looking man but something about his mannerism and confidence was interesting me. I had heard of him before. Officer Sean Kerr of LAPD was more than just a chief; he was an idol for all the aspiring policemen out there and was a case study at the national police academy.
“So, chief have you been able to find anything till now?” Samantha inquired which brought me back to their sizzling conversation about lovely Amanda’s murder.
“Nothing very solid as of now, but we’re pretty much sure that we’ll have something better to report tomorrow morning,” he said, his face sedated.
“We have heard that Amanda’s limousine driver has also been found murdered in the car this night.”
“Yes, we also found him and I am sure that the two murders are linked,” he wiped off sweat form his moustache with his handkerchief.
“Do you suspect a serial killer at work?” Samantha narrowed her almond eyebrows. I leaned forward to read Chief’s expressions more clearly. I wanted to know his verdict on this.
“No comments,” the chief said and at once walked inside the station with a blonde following him.
How come did they found him so soon? I had killed him in a discreet and silent location. They shouldn’t have found him until tomorrow morning with the sun on its top,I thought.I thought. Did someone see me shooting him and the police are not disclosing his identity to protect him? All these thoughts were bustling into my head as I watched the television with horror. That was once when I thought I was in trouble. But soon this unpleasant memory was washed over by the ecstatic hope of the role in Josh’s film.
I came back out of my reverie into the present world.
“Olivia! Olivia? You there?” I heard Rudy’s voice ringing in my ears. I let her get more worried by not replying back instantly. I wanted to appear miserable to her
“Yes, I am there,” I said slowly, more of a mumble. I tried to pant to add that special effect.
“Are you alright? Do you want me to come over? I can come,” she offered. Everything she was speaking came out of her in haste, as if she wanted to talk about something else.
“No, I’ll be fine. Shouldn’t we go to the police?” I said in a grief struck voice to her.
“Not now. They’ll surely call us when they need us,” she said.
“I cannot believe she’s gone. Forever,” I burst into artificial tears. Someday, I had to start acting so why not from today.
“So can’t I. I think we both should be together. I’ll come over or you come. It’s neither safe nor intelligent to stay lonely and forlorn. We should be boosting each other’s morale,” she said. I couldn’t believe that she was using such heavy words.
“I think I’ll come. It would be nice to have somewhere else to stay at.” I made my choice.
“That’s good. Bring your luggage for some days. I think we should be staying together for some time till…” She was afraid to continue on.
“As you wish.”
“I want to ask you something,” she hesitated. Rudy was never among the ones who were shy or hesitated. She was a brave, outspoken and confident girl.
“Shoot.” I replied back slowly.
“Weren’t you with her the previous night at the premier? Do you have any idea who could be behind this?” She was still very uneasy.
“I was with her. But then she went off back alone with her limo driver. I came back here,” I said. I looked up at the green ceiling while waiting for her to reply.
“Damn that person. How could he or she do it? She or he must be having guts for killing such a celebrity,” she announced her verdict. I felt a surge of happiness running into my head as I took the comment on me. Sure, it needed guts. I smiled but my voice remained unchanged.
“I hope the person’s found soon. I’m coming.” I completed the sentence in haste.
“I would be waiting,” she said and with that burst into another set of sobs. This was getting a real headache. I didn’t wait for her to bid goodbye and hung up the phone.


4:18 AM
I stared at the house, which was giving me jitters. I was unsure of how was I going to react to Rudy’s hysteric behaviour, she was getting too melodramatic and keeping up pace with her was getting tough each passing second. On my way to her house, she had bothered me three times with her calls just to check if I was fine and was still coming or not.
Rudy lived in a small rented house near the main Hollywood city. The light of her bedroom was on and I could see her silhouette moving here and there; panicking. I guessed she was waiting for me. I could smell the damp smell of the rain which had stopped now. I lifted up my suitcase and walked towards the entrance, and pulled back my hair. Then I locked my car with the automatic car remote.

“You’ve come?” I sensed relief in Rudy’s sweet voice as she ran towards me and greeted me with a huge hug outside her home.
“I guess.” I remained calm but sad.
“You don’t know what kinds of thoughts were jamming into my head all this while. I thought I had risked you. I should’ve come, its not safe for you out here,” she continued, pulling me out of her huge hug. I looked at her. Her eyes had swollen up and her otherwise perfect hair was tied into a messy pony. Even if no one was devastated by Amanda’s death, there was going to be Rudy.
”You needn’t worry. But why you think its not safe for me but for you ? I am okay,” I smiled weakly.
“The person’s killing the ones associated with Amanda, I guess. Just a wild guess.” She began thinking about something. “Lets go inside.” She said and led me straight into her small but comfy house. My feet were barking and I needed to sleep now or else I was going to miss on Josh tomorrow.

Any good?
Thanks for the reviews in advance!

A few problems here and there , but it gets more intriguing with each chapter and piece you add. PM as always when you add more. Later Shubi, Thanks for the review and now I bid you adieu

shubhiloves2write wrote:I let the water from the shower drip Amanda’s blood off from my body and into the murky drainage pipes. I wiped off water from my face, looking at the wall constantly. I couldn’t believe that I had killed her. Maybe the task was difficult but the ecstatic feel I was feeling now was something I couldn’t ignore. I turned off the shower’s knob and then retrieved a fresh towel from a cabinet near by. After that, I dried my body and wrapped the towel around me. Then I wiped the bathroom floor with a wiper and sent the water down the drain to be mixed with water. Though the colour of the water and that of Amanda’s blood differed, the one thing that remained the same was their impurity. They both were musty and dirty. Amanda was what one could call a yokel.
I was now ready for a sleep, a content sleep, a sleep where I could see those beautiful dreams which were going to transform into reality. The dream of my fame as an actress.

I was wondering about Amanda. Where her ruthless soul would be now? I wondered. She had done a lot of mistreatment to me and I had taken enough of it, but yesterday night was not something which I could forgive her for. She had snatched away my dream role from me. I wasn’t sure if Josh was going to sign me up but had Amanda not been there, my chances would have been fairly high. She was no good, which I am definitely sure of but no one selects a lame duck over a successful celebrity like her. I was damn sure that Josh wouldn’t have even taken my auditions had she been alive.


I grabbed a frozen sandwich from my refrigerator and set it in the microwave along with the timer. Though it wasn’t an appropriate time to eat, my stomach was growling with hunger and before a rat race started inside it, I had to eat something. I hadn’t eaten anything at the premiere after what Amanda did. I had lost all my appetite, all because of her.
I went to take out a beer can from the adjacent cupboard. I opened a Budweiser beer can and gulped down the entire drink in one go. I didn’t know that I was this thirsty, until I drank it and couldn’t resist the temptation of one more. After drinking down another can, I could feel the walls and furniture dancing in front of me and it seemed that someone was making me dance along with them.THAT IS WONDERFUL! Though I had taken only two cans, but I was feeling drowsier because I was tired.Rephrase this please. I opened my eyes wide so that I could see things clearly. But my effort went to waste as everything around me continued to look muzzy. My cell phone was vibrating in my pocket. I waited for a second or so to confirm that I was actually hearing it and not hallucinating. After I was sure that it was part of reality, I took it out and pressed the green button on it and then pressed it close to my ears.
“Hellllooo,” I sang, still under effects of intoxication.
“Are you all right?” my friend, Rudy asked.
“Why?” I asked her in amazement. Had the news of me dancing along with the walls and furniture of my house been broadcasted on BBC?
“You dunno? Didn’t you watch the news?” she spoke in a hiss.
“No dumbo. I had been sleeping,” I lied. By now, I was fully aware of what the matter was as I recalled me murdering Amanda.
“Then you should watch the news yourself. I am not in a state to tell you this,” she burst into sobs.
My head was in terrible pain and I pressed it hard with my hand. “Wait. Be on the line, Rudy,” I said as tried to comfort her.
“I am here. I am here,” she repeated again, to comfort me, to tell me that I wasn’t alone.
But in reality, she was the one in need of support.
I scanned the room to find my TV remote lying on the sofa. I walked there and took it in my hands, pressing the red button. The screen came to life and I watched it. It was there; the news of her murder. the news of my crime, or rather good deed. I changed the channel but the same news was there. I tried next channel but in vain. Everywhere she was spread like malaria. No channel had left itself behind in capturing the footage of Chief Sean Kerr’s interview.
The female news reporter, dressed in her black business suit and white pearl earrings was reading out the report of Amanda’s death to us.
“The police can’t yet how exactly she died but they are sure that it was a murder and not a suicide.”
“The news has come as a great shock and grief to lovely Amanda’s fans, which they all will have trouble in getting over with. Her death, it seems has put every one of her fans into a great abyss. Her next release, I Wish I Were You’, slated for a November release will be called her last ever released film. Let us take you to Samantha Williams, reporting live from outside the LAPD station.” The reporter was exaggerating. Okay, Amanda was a big star and all but she wasn’t going to affect the life of her fans. The next day they would move, sit and eat the same way they had been doing the day before. Their lives would come back to normal.
But my life was going to get normal, maybe, beyond normal. I was pretty much sure that my life was going to get exciting from now on with colours of happiness spread all over.

Samantha, a Black American, was taking Chief’s interview with a gloomy expression on her face. Sure, she is acting. I thought to myself. Rain was pouring heavily and the chief was wearing his raincoat and so was Samantha. The Chief was a middle-aged man, with a lusty appearance, a moustache and a round potbelly. He had thick eyebrows which were slightly curved and a big Roman nose. He wasn’t a good-looking man but something about his mannerism and confidence was interesting me. I had heard of him before. Officer Sean Kerr of the LAPD was more than just a chief; he was an idol for all the aspiring policemen out there and was a case study at the national police academy.
“So chief, have you been able to find anything till now?” Samantha inquired, which brought me back to their sizzling conversation about lovely Amanda’s murder.
“Nothing very solid as of now but we’re pretty much sure that we’ll have something better to report tomorrow morning,” he said, his face sedate.
“We have heard that Amanda’s limousine driver has also been found murdered in the car this night.”
“Yes, we also found him and I am sure that the two murders are linked,” he wiped off sweat from his moustache with his handkerchief.
“Do you suspect a serial killer at work?” Samantha narrowed her almond eyebrows. I leaned forward to read Chief’s expressions more clearly. I wanted to know his verdict on this.
“No comments,” the chief said and at once walked inside the station with a blonde following him.
How come they found him so soon? I had killed him in a discreet and silent location. They shouldn’t have found him until tomorrow morning with the sun on its top. I thought. Did someone see me shooting him, and the police are not disclosing his identity to protect him? All these thoughts were bustling into my head as I watched the television with horror. That was once when I thought I was in trouble. But soon this unpleasant memory was washed over by the ecstatic hope of the role in Josh’s film.
I came back out of my reverie into the present world.
“Olivia! Olivia? You there?” I heard Rudy’s voice ringing in my ears. I let her get more worried by not replying back instantly. I wanted to appear miserable to her
“Yes, I am there,” I said slowly, more of a mumble. I tried to pant to add that special effect.
“Are you alright? Do you want me to come over? I can come,” she offered. Everything she was speaking came out of her in haste, as if she wanted to talk about something else.
“No, I’ll be fine. Shouldn’t we go to the police?” I said in a grief struck voice to her.
“Not now. They’ll surely call us when they need us,” she said.
“I cannot believe she’s gone. Forever,” I burst into artificial tears. Someday, I had to start acting so why not from today.
“Neither can I. I think we both should be together. I’ll come over or you come. It’s neither safe nor intelligent to stay lonely and forlorn. We should be boosting each other’s morale,” she said. I couldn’t believe that she was using such heavy words.
“I think I’ll come. It would be nice to have somewhere else to stay at.” I made my choice.
“That’s good. Bring your luggage for some days. I think we should be staying together for some time till…” She was afraid to continue on.
“As you wish.”
“I want to ask you something,” she hesitated. Rudy was never among the ones who were shy or hesitated. She was a brave, outspoken and confident girl.
“Shoot.” I replied back slowly.
“Weren’t you with her the previous night at the premier? Do you have any idea who could be behind this?” She was still very uneasy.
“I was with her. But then she went off back alone with her limo driver. I came back here,” I said. I looked up at the green ceiling while waiting for her to reply.
“Damn that person. How could he or she do it? She or he must be having guts for killing such a celebrity,” she announced her verdict. I felt a surge of happiness running into my head as I took the comment on me. Sure, it needed guts. I smiled but my voice remained unchanged.
“I hope the person’s found soon. I’m coming.” I completed the sentence in haste.
“I will be waiting,” she said, and with that burst into another set of sobs. This was getting a real headache. I didn’t wait for her to bid goodbye and hung up the phone.


4:18 AM
I stared at the house, which was giving me jitters. I was unsure of how was I going to react to Rudy’s hysteric behaviour; she was getting too melodramatic and keeping up pace with her was getting tougher each passing second. On my way to her house, she had bothered me three times with her calls just to check if I was fine and was still coming or not.
Rudy lived in a small rented house near the main Hollywood city. The light of her bedroom was on and I could see her silhouette moving here and there; panicking. I guessed she was waiting for me. I could smell the damp smell of the rain which had stopped now. I lifted up my suitcase and walked towards the entrance, and pulled back my hair. Then I locked my car with the automatic car remote.

“You’ve come?” I sensed relief in Rudy’s sweet voice as she ran towards me and greeted me with a huge hug outside her home.
“I guess.” I remained calm but sad.
“You don’t know what kinds of thoughts were jamming into my head all this while. I thought I had risked you. I should’ve come, its not safe for you out here,” she continued, pulling me out of her huge hug. I looked at her. Her eyes had swollen up and her otherwise perfect hair was tied into a messy pony. Even if no one was devastated by Amanda’s death, there was going to be Rudy.
”You needn’t worry. But why you think its not safe for me but for you ? I am okay,” I smiled weakly.
“The person’s killing the ones associated with Amanda, I guess. Just a wild guess.” She began thinking about something. “Lets go inside.” She said and led me straight into her small but comfy house. My feet were barking and I needed to sleep now or else I was going to miss on Josh tomorrow.

Boy oh boy. The narration and dialogue still doesn't sound natural. Some of the places need commas, while others need to be rephrased all together. I pointed out the worst cases, you'll have to do the rest on your own.

Storywise, this is a very important chapter. I liked seeing how Olivia was handling the whole scenario, though there were some parts that lacked believability. You might want to look at that.

Heads up.

I feel defeated. I apparently didn't get here in time... Everybody seems to have pointed out everything that needs fixing....
I still really like this story! It's interesting and demands to be read.
In my opinion of course...This is my style of novel.
Good job!

Thanks a lot to all.

CuriouVampire wrote:For some reason I'm always here second... anyways I'm here to review .

Seriously, I think you've reserved yourself the second position

P.S.: I'll let you know first when I post the next.

Darn, I didn't get here fast enough!

I agree with RayquazaKid; your dialogue and narration don't flow very well. Other than that, I think that Olivia is a very interesting character. But, she needs just a bit more fleshing out. I've looked up a couple of sites for you about women in crime and the personality traits of criminals. They can you help you out when understanding Olivia and making her more realistic.

http://www.criminalprofiling.ch/females.html Women in Crime

http://www.criminalprofiling.ch/character.html Characteristics

Hope these help!

Embee.

Hello,
Here as requested I do have to say this was quiet entertaining in Olivia's perspective, and because you have gotten such great reviews mine will be short and sweet (I hate that it usually happenes this way, but I don't want to be redundant and bore you.) It seems as though some of the dialogue is confusing and thrown about in groups(clumps). I think instead of the groups of dialogue there should be thoughts dialogue and more thoughts or feelings or their bodily actions (ex. shuffling of feet/twirling of hair). Plus: the greatest tool for a writer is observation. I suggest you watch and observe real life conversations, or when you're having a conversation to observe how the other person talks and what they do while they are talking/listening.
Also I have to comment on that this chapter just looks like a long box of content. Theres never an indent or space between two people talking just like my review looks. It's harder on a readers eyes and makes it look less appealing, but you seem to have alot of readers and reviewers So this maynot be a problem but just keep it in mind.

Always a pleasure and have agreat day
Tiffany

Wow. Olivia is remarkably bitter, though I guess that makes her perspective more interesting. It also has a lot more of a spark to it, which is an improvement from the other narratives.

The whole time thing seems off though. It's almost four in the morning, and it seems like a long time has passed since the murder. Why is Olivia only now washing away the blood. Why is the news on at four AM, nobody watches it. Except Rudy, but why is Rudy awake at that hour?

Greetings, shubhi! I’m back for more sleepy incoherence.

First of all, YES! I’m delighted to see that we’re back to Olivia—she’s probably still the most interesting character in your entire cast, and her coldness and bitterness are sort of fascinating. I absolutely adore the scene at the beginning of the chapter as she washes off Amanda’s blood. I think it’s a great scene because it shows us all her bitterness, all her anger, all her terrible delight subtly and neatly, without banging anybody over the head with it. It’s an absolutely amazing scene for character development that shows so much about what’s going on in Olivia’s head just by describing the action of taking a shower, and I love it. I think you connect with Olivia as your narrator more so than any of the other characters, and when you describe things for her perspective, it just shows—this story gets new sparks.

The other scenes in this chapter were fantastic as well (though, I, too, don’t think there’s a 4 AM news program). Looks like Rudy has gotten pulled into this mess as well, and I can’t wait to see how she’s going to complicate this whole mess some more for Olivia. Right now, her whole connection to Olivia is supported by a web of easily-told lies, and I have to wonder how hard Olivia is going to have to work to keep them all up. Things are intensifying in both sectors of the story, and I can’t wait to see how they meet—I’m sure it will be with a bang.

If I could suggest one thing about Olivia’s character, it would be this: I’d imagine that, since this is the first time she’s committed a crime and she’s really supposed to be a sociopath or anything; that she’s be a bit more afraid. We did see one scene where she panicked over the discovery of the limo driver’s body, but otherwise, she seems to be a little bit too chill about all this. I’d imagine she’d worry a little about the fact that the police might catch her, and maybe even a little about the person that she’s become—she’s killed and innocent, now, as well as Amanda. I even think she might feel a tinge of regret, because even though she hated Amanda, now she’s become a killer. She can never have a normal life again now, she’ll always be haunted by the possibility that someone might catch her. Any of that would be interesting, and I think it might add more depth to her character.

Once again, I’d have to say that I’d like to have seen the moment when she decides to kill the driver, because, like I said in the previous chapter, I think it could be a great source of character development for her—the moment when her planned revenge actually turns into slaughter of the innocent and unrelated. At least now we know Olivia’s motivation for killing him, to avoid having someone who could contradict her alibi, but that still doesn’t make complete sense. After all, at an event like the one Amanda was attending, there probably would have been many other people who would have seen where Olivia and Amanda get into the limo—maybe even paparazzi who would have had photographic evidence.

Grabbing a couple of awkward phrases before I check out:

Where her ruthless soul would be now?

This is sort of weird… I’d rewrite it as “Where would her ruthless soul be now?’

no one selects a lame duck over a successful celebrity like her

I’m not sure that this is quite the right use of the phrase “lame duck”—that usually refers to someone who is more of a has-been, as far as I know.

Her next release, I Wish I Were You’, slated for a November release will be called her last ever released film.

All the “releases” in this sentence make it sound a tad redundant. XD I’d rephrase it.

So can’t I.

“Neither can I” would read more smoothly.

So, despite my critiques, this is my favorite chapter in a long time, and it’s really restored a lot of my enthusiasm for the story. I can’t wait to read the next chapter, see you then! ^___^