Young Writers Society

note: I know I had this in the short story section earlier and had a couple of reviews but I accidently posted my latest two parts in the novel section so here is part one just to keep it all together in one place.

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My family and I had just moved to the United States from Ireland, because Mom had gotten a job as a secretary at the World Trade Center. We had just settled into our new home a few days before. It was my first day at my new school and I couldn't get Mom's words out of my head:"Brigid, look, I get the feeling you're going to have a hard time adjusting. And unfortunately, I can't go with you," she kissed my forehead "So here." She handed me a silver Celtic pendant "Take this and know, I'm always in here." She touched her finger to my heart. "Love you," she whispered.
Later on that day in my third grade class, I was coming back from the restroom and as I passed the staff room I saw the World Trade Center attack. As I watched in horror as the planes hit the towers one after the other, I swore I could hear my mother's screams.
So many people died that day, including Mom. Amidst all the rubble her body was never found. I remember how hard it was on Dad and I to hear that news, especially with me being an only child. After Mom died and Dad went to work I barely made it through school.

Hallo, it's Aushy, here for your review! :}

My family and I had just moved to the United States from Ireland, because Mom had gotten a job as a secretary at the World Trade Center, and. We had just gotten settled into our new home a few days before. Already we know a lot, with really nothing to keep us reading. If this was a first chapter, that would be bad. But if it's a prolouge, it's alright. It was my first day at my new school and I couldn't get Mom's words out of my head: "Brigid, look, I get the feeling you're going to have a hard time adjusting. And unfortunately, I can't go with you,." She kissed my forehead. "So here." She handed me a silver Celtic pendant. "I can't be with you at school and sometimes I can't always be there physically You just said she couldn't be with her at school, so obviously, she can't be there physically, right?. Take this and know, I'm always in here." She touched her finger to my heart. "Love you," she whispered.
Enter. Later on that day in my third grade class, I was coming back from the restroom and as I passed the staff room, and I saw the World Trade Center attack. As I watched in horror as the planes hit the towers one after the other, I swore I could hear my mother's screams.
Enter. So many people died that day, including Mom. Amidst all the rubble her body was never found. I remember how hard it was on Dad and I to hear that news. E, especially with me being an only child. After Mom died and Dad went to work. I barely made it through school.

If this is a prologue (which if it's not, I suggest it becomes one):
It was good. It was simple, sweet, and to the point. It gave a good amount away as only prologues can.

If this is a chapter:
Then you need some work. x[} It was a bit scattered, kind of short, and you gave out way too much information. Yes, this is the exact opposite of what I said for prologue. That's because they're two totally different things. A chapter begins your book. A prologue gives backround before your book begins.

Things you need to work on regardless of whether this is a chapter or prologue:
1. Description is everything. What was running through your mind as you watched your mom die? Did you start to cry? Did you teachers freak out when they saw you? Did you immediately know it was your mom's death, or were you slightly unsure?
2. Okay, so, you set your mom up to die. Honestly, you do. You put all this stuff about her saying, "I love you, and I always will," and when the death came, I honestly wasn't shocked. In real life, people don't make such a huge deal about love. She'd probably just give you the necklace, say you'd be alright, and then between murmurs about her having to get to work add hurriedly, "I love you!"
3. Try to lengthen it. It's short and a bit boring.


However, there are a lot of possibilities that come with this chapter! I'm actually excited to see what will happen next. PM me or go to my shack if you ever need a review!


Love & Blessings,
Aushy

Goldenquill has most of everything down already.
I'd just like to say a few things about your story.
It's not bad, but it was had to read. Try spacing it out and seperating things into paragraphs. Also, add a bit more description. Was she fidgeting, what does she look like? Was she feeling fear? Was she jittery?
You get the picture.
This could be a great piece if you follow our advice.

Hey there! Here as requested.

My family and I had just moved to the United States from Ireland, because Mom had gotten a job as a secretary at the World Trade Center,and had just gotten settled into our new home a few days before.

Few things here. Firstly, the repetition of 'gotten' is glaring. You have only said it two times, but it's a distinctive sound and rather annoying. Secondly, this is a bit of a factual beginning, really. Although this is a fan-fiction, and you can assume that people will know what the background is already (although I don't - sorry) you still need to make this different, and better, from other fan-fictions out there. The beginning is crucial, and right now it's not doing anything for me. Why not expand on all of this - how did the move make her feel? What's the new place like? - so that we begin to get a sense of your character and enjoy the story.

Later on that day in my third grade class, I was coming back from the restroom and as I passed the staff room I saw the World Trade Center attack. As I watched in horror as the planes hit the towers one after the other, I swore I could hear my mother's screams.
So many people died that day, including Mom. Amidst all the rubble her body was never found. I remember how hard it was on Dad and I to hear that news, especially with me being an only child. After Mom died and Dad went to work I barely made it through school

.

Ok, wow, this is way too fast. What you're talking about here is a turning point in her life, even if she was young when it happens. You need more here. Way more. Don't make it melodramatic - don't overdo it - but put some character in there. It's a bit lifeless at the moment, and you need to fill it out with some emotion. Sure, it won't be extremely deep because she's in 3rd grade, but even then there has to be something - really tell us how it affected her. Take it at a moderate pace, right now you're rushing.

I do think this needs work. As a beginning, it feels quite rushed and needs a lot if refinement. I hope I've made some helpful suggestions, but if you have any questions then just contact me.

-Amy

Sorry it took so long for me to get to this Celtic, but I'm here now .

Well first off it's way to quick, I want to hear about all that stuff that happens. I want you to show us how she feels, moving from one country to another, a description of her house, how is it different from her old house? Add some emotion!! Because right now what you have is very basic, and I don't really feel anything towards the main character. If you do it correctly your readers should be feeling the emotion right along with your MC and right now that's not happening. Because I don't know your MC, and I don't know how she's feeling, so I don't feel much pity for her. So slow it down, tell us about her, her family, her friends. Let us get to know the mom a little too, make us love her so that when she dies, we're heartbroken along with the MC. It's a very cool idea and I really like it, but I want to feel more. You could take this and adding some detail in make it into several different chapters, because there's so much information in it. So spread it out okay?

Good luck, and keep writing!

~Hope

Hey there! I am here for a review, as requested. I apologize for taking so long.

FIRST OFF: Well, you say this is going to be a novel in three parts, but if this is part one, there is no way that this could be a novel. I am saying this because it is way too short. It was good, mind you, but short. This, my friend, is what you would call a prologue. Now on to the analysis.

NITPICKS:

Story wise, there really isn't an issue. My greatest nitpick is the flow of the story, because you gave us so much info in so a short time. These are called info dumps and should be avoided unless this part above was a prologue. (see above) Not much else to say here, as the rest has been pointed out.

WHAT I LIKED:

You quickly grasped the emotional bond between mother and child, which I enjoyed. The rest of what followed was way too speedy to be called a chapter, but I like the relationships a lot.

OVERALL: Good job, really. All you need to do is call this a prologue or make it longer and more detailed, and make future chapters much longer. A chapter on average is about 1000 - 4000 words. Tell me when you post more!