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An Excerpt: "Gabriel"



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Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:50 am
NinjaCookieMonster says...



So, this is another sneak peek. This time, I'm using more magical elements. Set in the sixth book. Griffin, Ella, and the crew are trying to get a very special human boy to safety; he plays a major role in winning the war. His name? Gabriel.

Griffin plucked at his hat. The fedora was covering all of his beloved black and crimson hair, and he had had to change his eye color momentarily; silver eyes were a dead giveaway to his identity. Jacki, clad in temporarily black hair and a beanie, slapped his arm.

"If Spike can go without his 'hawk, you can go without your freaking hair." she hissed under her breath. It was true; Spike's glorious fohawk had been combed down. His hair was now firmly tucked behind his ears. His fingers twitched, as if trying to scoop up nonexistent hair product.

Ella sighed and gently told Griffin,"If you keeping doing that, people are going to get suspicious. Cut it out." She had to force herslef not to roll her briefly green eyes. Sure, she loved him, but Life Stealers wouldn't. Even she, in her teal jacket with the hood pulled up, was being more inconspicuous. Then again, she had been training for about five years. He hadn't. But he was the best fighter she knew- save herself.

Lina yawned, her panda resembling hat stretching. Her black and pink hair wasn't that well known, but her electric blue eyes were. So, she had darkened them. Tory chuckled and brushed a strand of hair from her face. He had had to change nothing- lucky dog. Ella spotted a blonde boy walking down the trail ahead of them. He turned his head, and when Ella saw his face...

"Target, ten 'o clock!" she hissed, quickening her pace. They finally reached about ten paces behind him. Griffin stiffened and straightened his spine.

With sudden realization, he yelled, "Get down! Now!" Jacki tackled the target as Spike dropped behind her. Tory pushed Lina down, falling after her, his back guarding against the threat. Griffin wrapped his arms around Ella and fell to the ground, every muscle in his body tense. There was a loud 'Boom!' and then chaos began its reign. Dark, cloaked figures dashed about, torturing or killing all they could see. Small fires started that the shrieking forest elves hurriedly put out, forgetting about hiding themselves. Tree limbs toppled, and a clever Life Stealer started an extremely windy thunderstorm. People were screaming, crying, cackling, anything to release their excitement, be it positive or negative. It was Ella's worst nightmare.

Ella scrambled up, checked Griffin's heart and breathing, then urged him and the others up. She ran forward and hauled Gabriel to his feet; Jacki had grabbed Spike's arm and hurried to calm citizens down.

"Thanks," the boy breathed. His hair was a coppery blonde, his eyes green as grass. He was tan, lean, muscular- and Ella punched him in the face.

"Never," she said harshly, "for one second, let your guard down. Rule number one of surviving." She let her hood drop; no one would recognize her anyway.

Lina sprinted up, shouting,"Ella! There's a whole pack of warlocks back there, and they're mad! We have to go get them!"

Ella flicked her head towards Griffin, who yelled, "Well? Shoo! Kick butt!" He pushed the small of her back, forcing her forward. "Come with me," he barked to Gabriel. They passed a blond haired man who tried to attack them; Griffin punched him, sending him flying into the nearest tree. "He baby sat me once," Griffin recalled. He led Gabriel to his apartment.

Gabriel gaped. "You have an apartment? Aren't you, like, sixteen?!" Griffin shrugged and pulled Gabriel inside, seating near the window so he could keep an eye on Ella.

Gabriel smirked, cocking an eyebrow. "What's it take for a guy like me to get a girl like her?" he asked smoothly, gesturing to Ella, still fighting below. Griffin's eyes turned to ice.

"You don't." he said in a dangerously low voice. Gabriel paled; Griffin could be very scary when he wanted to.

"Oh."

Gabriel was human, that much was true. How he ended up in Teralyn, one society out of thousands that were home to starsweepers, not humans, was a total mystery. But experiments had been done on him, and the results were stunning.

Gabriel, with utmost caution, pried into Griffin's thoughts.

All he saw were pictures: Ella at the fourth year ball, a faint smile on her lips and goose bumps crawling along her skin when he touched her; Ella flying beside him at a Skynox match, her hair damp and whipped back, air streamlining over her aerodynamic body. Ella with her teeth grit as she zoomed by in the Speed Trials, her motorcycle (futuristic, as all of theirs were) slicing through the air like a knife. Ella with her face twisted into a snarl as she fought, her legs performing graceful (but dangerous) and impossibly high kicks, her body tumbling like an acrobat's would, her hands hitting everywhere it counted. Ella curled into his chest, asleep, her head nestled in the crook of his neck.

"Oh," Gabriel repeated, now understanding.

"I come from a dark place, Gabriel," Griffin said. "Ella saved me from that place. She saved my life." He did not elaborate, just glowered at the trees. He produced a sketchpad and quickly drew; in no time at all, he had preserved the moment, even capturing the essence of shattered peace.

"I'm an artist." he said shortly at Gabriel's openmouthed stare. "You have a lot to learn about us. Each of us is an artist in our own right; I draw, Ella's a guitarist, Lina's a dancer, Tory drums, Jacki welds, Spike... well, Spike can do things with fire no one else can."

"Are... are there more of you?" Gabriel asked tentatively. Griffin allowed himself a quick laugh.

"Gabriel, we make up a third of the world's population."

"Oh."

"Dude, you have got to stop saying that."


Tada! Comment on suggestions for topics, and if you want me to post the series!
Last edited by NinjaCookieMonster on Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:42 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Thu Apr 22, 2010 8:48 pm
Alteran says...



I quite enjoyed reading this. More than I thought I would in all honesty. I like that with as many characters as you have you seem to focus more on some than others. It really helps in reading cause it lowers the confusion possibilities.

The sudden attack was a little confusing. Mainly because right after we're in dialogue with Griffin and Gabriel and there was no real transition as to if they are running or if Griffin is protecting him. I think it just needs a tad more description to help move it smoothly.

I'm all for the powers, but the sudden mind probing was odd. The reader needs some intro not to mention you've switched from one viewpoint to another. We were reading from Griffin's POV and then it feels like we're in Gabriel's head. Perhaps having Griffin describe what he feels as the probe happens would be more effective in keeping everything in one person's POV.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:"I'm an artist." he said shortly at Gabriel's openmouthed stare. "You have a lot to learn about to learn about us. Each of us is an artist in our own right; I draw, Ella's a guitarist, Lina's a dancer, Tory drums, Jacki welds, Spike... well, Spike can do things with fire no one else can."


Just a minor typo there. The last thing I will say is remove the caps on Boom and Got. They're not needed. The emphasis is there without the caps and it looks more professional.

I like this story and I will be watching for more. Keep up the good work.
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Sat Apr 24, 2010 10:20 pm
deleted3 says...



hey there ninja!

OK I like your characters, which I think were the strongest asset of this chapter. I like reading about character interactions myself. that being said, i think the one thing that needed adjusting was your pacing. when the disturbance hit them, it was very unclear what point it ended, and how they got away. this makes me feel like the danger isn't as grave as i'm sure it was meant to be. take some time to build tension, add details and descriptions of what's going on.

[url]Ella softened, but then spotted the boy walking down the trail.
[/url]

its not clear who the boy is...

[url]Lina yawned, her panda resembling hat stretching.[/url]
i have no idea what that hat would look like!

your basic problem is lack of description. i don't even know where they are, and that should be clear from the beginning of the chapter. set the scene in the first paragraph or two. it doesn't have to be a long boring list of descriptions, you can incorporate it with the character introductions.

[url]Griffin punched him, sending him flying into the nearest tree. "He baby sat me once," Griffin recalled.[/url]
hehe, that was good!

in conclusion, strike a balance between action and setting the scene and mood. either extreme is no good for your story. i think it's already been mentioned, but also, choose your point of view and stick with it. check this out: Point of View
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Fri Apr 30, 2010 5:05 pm
Sins says...



Hey ninja!
Here to review as requested. :)

His fingers twitched, as if trying to scoop up nonexistent hair product.

I liked this line!

He had grown to love the azure supernovas, as she had the silver medallions.

I liked this too!

Griffin wrapped his arms around Ella and fell to the ground, every muscle in his body tense.

You need a 'd' on the end of tense. :wink:

There was a loud 'Boom!!' and then chaos began its reign.

Replace '!!' with '!'. It looks better.

Dark, cloaked figures dashed about, torturing or killing all they could see.

I think that 'and' would sound better here.

Small fires started that the shrieking forest elves hurriedly put out, forgetting about hiding themselves.

'Which' would sound better here.

People were screaming, crying, cackling, anything to release their excitement, be it positive or negative.

I think that the last comma would be better as a semi colon.

Gabriel, with utmost caution, pried into Griffin's thoughts.

All he saw were pictures: Ella at the fourth year ball, a faint smile on her lips and goose bumps crawling along her skin when he touched her; Ella flying beside him at a Skynox match, her hair damp and whipped back, air streamlining over her aerodynamic body; Ella with her teeth grit as she zoomed by in the Speed Trials, her motorcycle (futuristic, as all of theirs were) slicing through the air like a knife; Ella with her face twisted into a snarl as she fought, her legs performing graceful (but dangerous) and impossibly high kicks, her body tumbling like an acrobat's would, her hands hitting everywhere it counted; Ella curled into his chest, asleep, her head nestled in the crook of his neck.

I loved the descriptions in this paragraph! One thing I have to say though is that you've used no periods! Youv'e used lots of semi colons, but not a period in sight. Maybe you could replace some of the semi colons with periods?

"Dude, you have got to stop saying that."

Made me chuckle. :wink:

Overall

I have to admit, I really liked this. You have a very nice writing style and I didn't have to read your writing carefully to understand it. Well done for that!

A small nit=pick I have for you though is that you tend to use semi colons an awful lot! I actually lost count of how many you used in this. Semi colons are fine, but remember, there are such things as periods. When there is a lot of one specific kind of grammar (semi colons, periods, commas e.t.c) in one piece, it can be kind of distracting. Maybe you could sort out some of the semi colons and replace them with periods? :)

Also, at times, your story was kind of confusing. I couldn't really figure out who your MC was, maybe you could make that a bit clearer. You also didn't make it very clear when the fight ended, that needs sorting out a bit! It didn't bother me all too much, but it might bother others a lot more!

Negatives aside, I really did love this. I especially liked your characters; they were entertaining to read and they were pretty unique. Characters are what makes a story a story, in my opinion. Without good characters, the story just becomes bland and pretty darn boring! I applaud you for your characters!

If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Sun May 02, 2010 11:56 pm
sunstarfrozenlife says...



First of all, AWESOME! Only one quick grammar prob:

[quote="ninjacookiemonster"

Griffin looked down at Ella. "I miss your eyes." he said simply.[/quote]

That made no sense. He misses her eyes? But he's looking at them right now! XD

:elephant: Other than that good job.

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