Young Writers Society

Conscious thoughts swirl into my head and I pull my eyelids open. They feel awfully heavy, so I close them again. Nothing seems clear at the moment. I don't know what I am, why I'm here, what here is, or what I was doing before waking. All I'm sure of is that I had in fact been doing something. Thinking is making my head ache. I clear my thoughts and lay here, allowing the delirium of sleep to fade from my veins.

After a while, my head is a little clearer, and I keep trying to remember something...anything, really. What makes the most sense is to give up - both because thinking about it isn't helping me in the slightest, and because it's incredibly boring. Instead, I open my eyes and take in my surroundings.

White, everywhere. Above me, below me, around me...white. This world is a complete nothingness, and I'm stuck in the middle of it. Suddenly I feel pressure in my head. At first I think it's only a headache, but I begin to feel pressure everywhere else too. It's not natural, I know this, because I can't scream and my bones are crunching, although I feel no blood. I can't help but feel like I'd rather die than deal with this for another moment. At the very least, I'm sure as hell not bored anymore. Black spots appear before my eyes and I keep blinking to make them go away, to no avail. Pretty soon it's not just spots - everything goes black. Maybe I'm dead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, my eyes open. this time I'm not in the same place as before, and strangely, I feel no pain. I'm on a bed with white satin sheets in an unfamiliar room. The walls are a rich brown mahogany, and deep crimson silk curtains hang from the windows.

I'm wide awake now, and horribly confused. My only consolation is that this bed is comfortable, and I can remember something - that I am a human girl. The memory is not much, but it's enough to make me want to get up and dance. Maybe later I'll remember more. I jump out of bed and pace the hard pale wood floor, unsure what to do now. A creaking sound comes from the door and light spills in. Looking up, I see that a girl about 15 years old is peering in.

"Hun," she whispers, "are you okay?" I contemplate it for a moment then nod, yes. "Are you scared?" I shake my head, perhaps a little too vigorously, because she smiles knowingly. She steps in all the way and only now do I see how pretty she really is. Her hair is black and falls in perfect ringlets down her back and over her shoulders. Her skin is pale and creamy but her cheeks are flushed with color. The most vivid dark blue I could ever imagine is there in her large eyes. Right below her eyes is a perfectly straight nose, leading down to a small cupid's bow and full lips, only a shade darker then her skin.

"You're beautiful," I whisper without meaning to. Laughing, she smiles at me. "Thanks," she says sincerely, "but here we're all too perfect, don't ask me why. So yes, I'm beautiful, but you're insanely gorgeous!" Did she really just call me insanely gorgeous? My face must mirror my thoughts, because she nods. "My name is Tasha, by the way, and your name is Nex. It's short for Nectar, because you arrived with a honeysuckle and it'd be weird to name you that. I arrived with a beach ball, and naming me after that would be even weirder!" she laughs again. "Nope, they had to think about my name for a while, but they decided that since you toss a ball... toss... tash... Tasha. It's a bit of a stretch, but I like it." I stare at her blankly, hardly listening to her anymore. "Sorry for talking so much, but this is the first time I've actually been assigned to a newcomer."

I have about a million questions for her to answer, but all I end up saying is, "Um...What?" So lame.

"Sorry," she mutters again, "lets go get some dinner, you can meet everyone, and then I'll get Rose to explain it to you. For now, if you didn't already figure it out, whatever a newcomer arrives with is their name. Not hard to figure out what Rose came with, huh? A flower, like you!" she stops babbling and motions for my to follow her out the door. Considering how messed up my head is right now, I figure it won't hurt to get out, so I follow her.

I meant 'motions for me' not motions for my...

This is really mysterious. The one thing I don't like about it is the fact that you woke up three times. Like, if this was longer I'd not notice as much, but by the time I reached the third paragraph, I was kind of bored. Maybe you could fuse the first two paragraphs and she will only wake up twice. It would just be less cliche that way.

But all in all a good read.

Kudos.

~~Biffle

It's a nice read. I'm still wondering what happened and what she is despite the fact the title is "dollhouse" so I'm assuming she's a doll? I like your writing style. Keep on writing this. PM me when you post chapter two and welcome to YWS!

-Crescent

I loved it. I would seriously appreciate it if you would PM me when the next chapter's done. Even on a site like this it's hard to find GOOD writing. And I know no writing is perfect, and this isn't, but it kept me interested and didn't annoy me in a thousand places. (That's a huge compliment.) This story has major possibilities. It sounds like a story I'd write--you know, taking a normal person (assuming Nex is/was a normal person) and sending them into sound world or adventure totally foreign. Anyways, good job.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

Hello hello!

Well I really like this I love the way you described the room; the deep crimson silk curtains. Lovely

One suggestion I have... In this part...

"...It's a bit of a stretch, but I like it. Sorry for talking so much, but this is the first time I've actually been assigned to a newcomer."

I'm thinking maybe you could put a little something in between the 'I like it.' and the 'Sorry for talking so much', like Nex is staring at her blankly or something. Something that tells Tasha that's she's blabbing.

Just a suggestion though, it's fine without it.

Fantastic writing! Can't wait to read more

Moved to General Fiction Novels.

Evi wrote:Moved to General Fiction Novels.

Oh, thanks! I thought that's where I put it...newb mistake, I guess. Anyway thanks for moving it.

Heya
Here to review as requested!

Red = Corrections/negatives
Blue = Things I like
Bold = My comments/suggestions

Conscious thoughts swirl into my head and I pull my eyelids open. They feel awfully heavy, so I close them again. Nothing seems clear at the moment. I don't know what I am, why I'm here, what here is, or what I was doing before waking. All I'm sure of is that I had in fact been doing something. Thinking is making my head ache. I clear my thoughts and lay here, allowing the delirium of sleep to fade from my veins. I liked this opening paragraph! It made me wonder and want to read more.

After a while, my head is a little clearer, and I keep trying to remember something...anything, really. What makes the most sense is to give up - both because thinking about it isn't helping me in the slightest, and because it's incredibly boring. Instead, I open my eyes and take in my surroundings.

White, You don't necessarily need this comma. everywhere. Above me, below me, around me...white. This world is a complete nothingness, and I'm stuck in the middle of it. Suddenly I feel pressure in my head. At first I think it's only a headache, but I begin to feel pressure everywhere else too. It's not natural, I know this, This one isn't needed either. because I can't scream and my bones are crunching, although I feel no blood. I can't help but feel like I'd rather die than deal with this for another moment. At the very least, I'm sure as hell not bored anymore. I liked this line! Had a bit of a kick to it. Black spots appear before my eyes and I keep blinking to make them go away, to no avail. Pretty soon it's not just spots - everything goes black. Maybe I'm dead. I think that should be a question mark... I'm not completely certain though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, my eyes open. this time I'm not in the same place as before, and strangely, I feel no pain. I'm on a bed with white satin sheets in an unfamiliar room. The walls are a rich brown mahogany, and deep crimson silk curtains hang from the windows. Nice description.

I'm wide awake now, and horribly confused. My only consolation is that this bed is comfortable, and I can remember something - that I am a human girl. The memory is not much, but it's enough to make me want to get up and dance. Dance...? Is that a bit weird or just me being an idiot? Maybe later I'll remember more. I jump out of bed and pace the hard pale wood floor, unsure what to do now. A creaking sound comes from the door and light spills in. Looking up, I see that a girl about 15 years old is peering in.

"Hun," she whispers, "are you okay?" I contemplate it for a moment then nod, yes. "Are you scared?" I shake my head, perhaps a little too vigorously, because she smiles knowingly. She steps in all the way and only now do I see how pretty she really is. Her hair is black and falls in perfect ringlets down her back and over her shoulders. Her skin is pale and creamy but her cheeks are flushed with color. The most vivid dark blue I could ever imagine is there in her large eyes. Right below her eyes is a perfectly straight nose, leading down to a small cupid's bow and full lips, only a shade darker then her skin. I'm loving your descriptions!

"You're beautiful," I whisper without meaning to. Laughing, she smiles at me. "Thanks," she says sincerely, "but here we're all too perfect, don't ask me why. So yes, I'm beautiful, but you're insanely gorgeous!" Did she really just call me insanely gorgeous? My face must mirror my thoughts, because she nods. "My name is Tasha, by the way, and your name is Nex. It's short for Nectar, because you arrived with a honeysuckle and it'd be weird to name you that. I arrived with a beach ball, and naming me after that would be even weirder!" she laughs again. "Nope, they had to think about my name for a while, but they decided that since you toss a ball... toss... tash... Tasha. It's a bit of a stretch, but I like it." I stare at her blankly, hardly listening to her anymore. "Sorry for talking so much, but this is the first time I've actually been assigned to a newcomer."

I have about a million questions for her to answer, Don't really need this. but all I end up saying is, "Um...What?" So lame.

"Sorry," she mutters again, "lets go get some dinner. You can meet everyone, and then I'll get Rose to explain it to you. For now, if you didn't already figure it out, whatever a newcomer arrives with is their name. Not hard to figure out what Rose came with, huh? A flower, like you!" she stops babbling and motions for my to follow her out the door. Considering how messed up my head is right now, I figure it won't hurt to get out, so I follow her.

Overall

Wow! I really liked this! It was mysterious and it really did make me wonder about what was going on. I'm guessing that was your intention? If so, then well done. You might have guessed this, but I loved some of your descriptions. Your grammar was pretty much perfect and there weren't any spelling mistakes. None that I could find, anyway. Your characters seem like pretty cool people too. Also, the title is very intriguing... I like it!

When it comes to the critique, my main one is that it's maybe a bit too mysterious. This is juts my opinion, but I think that this seems a bit more like a prologue. Mainly because of the mysterious feeling about it. I understand that you're MC is supposed to be confused and can't remember much at all, but maybe you could add a bit more information? Don't literally tell me about how when she was six year old her pet goldfish died, that would just be pointless. I'm just saying that maybe you could add a bit more information to your character. If not, you could just make this the prologue of your story. It is quite short, after all.

My only real nit-pick is your slight issue with commas. You have a tendency to add them where they are not needed. Commas are seriously confusing, I myself can't stand them. I used to be absolutely terrible at correct punctuation when it came to commas, but I have improved slightly now. When you know how to use them though, commas become pretty easy to deal with. All that you need to do is replace some of those commas with periods or simply remove them! I've pointed out all of the ones that I noticed. Although, there might be more because I'm not very good when it comes to pointing out commas... they confuse me.

Another slight issue I found is the same thing that Biffle noticed. Your MC does seem to wake up a bit too much. I think you've removed one of the times she wakes up, but it still seems a bit too much. This is more of an opinion thing really, I'm probably just being stupidly picky. I think that it would be a bit more effective if you simply make her wake up once. The fact that the chapter itself is pretty short probably makes it more noticeable, as well. If you made the chapter a tad bit longer, your MC waking up more than once will probably work fine! If not, like I said before, you could just make this a prologue.

My favourite thing about this chapter is definitely your descriptions. I loved your description of the room and Tasha. Thankfully, you didn't describe in annoying clumps. Many writers suffer when it comes to description clumps, especially when they are describing a character or a room. I have a tendency to go a bit overboard sometimes, although I have improved since I first started writing; that's for sure! It was good how you seemed to know when to stop describing without turning your description into a complete pain in the arse. Out of all of your descriptions, your description of the room was definitely my favourite. It was simple, but effective.

Well I'm off to the next chapter now!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello RazHuni. The title of your story finally drew me in. Anything I like would be marked with pink(still my fave colour) and anything I hated would be green. Suggestion= Orange
Word I add will be in red.

Conscious thoughts swirl into my head andThe word is not wrong but somehow its stopping the continuous flow of the beautiful beginning you started with. Try to replace it with as I pull my eyelids open. They feel awfully heavy, so I close them again. Nothing seems clear at the moment. I don't know what I am, why I'm here, what here isSwap the words, or what I was doing before waking up. All I'm sure of is that, I had in fact been doing something. Thinking is making my head ache.no need of a full stopas I clear my thoughts and lay here, allowing the delirium of sleep to fade from my veins.

After a while, my head is a little clearer, and I keep trying to remember something...anything, really. What makes the most sense is to give up - both because thinking about it isn't helping me in the slightest, and because it's incredibly boring. Instead, I open my eyes and take in my surroundings.

White, everywhere. Above me, below me, around me...white. This world is a complete nothingness, and I'm stuck in the middle of it. Suddenly I feel pressure in my head. At first, I think it's only a headache, but I begin to feel pressure everywhere else too. It's not natural, I know this, because I can't scream and my bones are crunching, although I feel no blood running down my veins. I can't help but feel like I'd rather die than deal with this for another moment. At the very least, I'm sure as hell not bored anymore. Black spots appear before my eyes and I keep blinking to make them go away, to no avail. Pretty soon it's not just spots - everything goes black. Maybe I'm dead.Loved the cliffhanger you gave!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, my eyes open, this time I'm not in the same place as before, and strangely, I feel no pain. I'm on a bed covered with white satin sheets, in an unfamiliar room. The walls are a rich brown mahogany, and deep crimson silk curtains hang from the windows.

I'm wide awake now, and horribly confused. My only consolation is that this bed is comfortable, and I can remember something - that I am a human girl. The memory is not much, but it's enough to make me want to get up and dance. Maybe later I'll remember more. I jump out of bed and pace the hard pale wood floor, unsure of what to do now. A creaking sound comes from the door and light spills in. Looking up, I see that a girl about 15 years old is peering in.

"Hun," she whispers, "are you okay?" I contemplate it for a moment then nod, yesIf you're nodding then its mostly as in agreement or to say yes. "Are you scared?" I shake my head, perhaps a little too vigorously, because she smiles knowingly. She steps in all the way and only now do I see is how pretty she really is. Her hair is black and falls in perfect ringlets down her back and over her shoulders. Her skin is pale and creamy but her cheeks are flushed with color. The most vivid dark blue I could ever imagine is there in her large eyes. Right below her eyes is a perfectly straight nose, leading down to a small cupid's bow and full lips, only a shade darker then her skin.
I loved the whole description of this girl. I could picture her in front of me.
"You're beautiful," I whisper without meaning to. Laughing, she smiles at me. "Thanks," she says sincerely, "but here we're all too perfect, don't ask me why. So yes, I'm beautiful, but you're insanely gorgeous!" Did she really just call me insanely gorgeous? My face must mirror my thoughts, because she nods. "My name is Tasha, by the way, and your name is Nex. It's short for Nectar, because you arrived with a honeysuckle and it'd be weird to name you that. I arrived with a beach ball, and naming me after that would be even weirder!" she laughs again. "Nope, they had to think about my name for a while, but they decided that since you toss a ball... toss... tash... Tasha. It's a bit of a stretch, but I like it." I stare at her blankly, hardly listening to her anymore. "Sorry for talking so much, but this is the first time I've actually been assigned to a newcomer."

I have about a million questions for her to answer, but all I end up saying is, "Um...What?" So lame.

"Sorry," she mutters again, "lets go get some dinner, you can meet everyone, and then I'll get Rose to explain it to you. For now, if you didn't already figure it out, whatever a newcomer arrives with is their name. Not hard to figure out what Rose came with, huh? A flower, like you!" she stops babbling and motions for my me to follow her out the door. Considering how messed up my head is right now, I figure it won't hurt to get out, so I follow her.

WoW! This was just so perfect and so mesmerizing. You gave me that intriguing feel in the first part itself that resisting other parts would be a bit too hard. The story's conecpt is just so beautiful. Doll houses have always fascinated me so dear, I give you a big hug for coming up with this.

Now enough of the good things(it makes me frustrated when I don't have much to criticize about ). i felt this was a bit more than repetitive. its okay that you describe things well to the reader, create the picture but after a while it becomes a headache. I can say that the first four paragraphs were a bit too same but you gave us different feel in all. After reading the second paragraph, I was like she has just said that before.

Although, I could see soem different and unique words added to the story, I would like you to follow this exercise:
1. Take a dictionary.
2. Select a page randomly and read all the words in it.
3. The words you think could be adjusted in your story, select them and write them on a piece of paper or a diary you maintain for this exercise.
4. Tehn th next time you sit for writitng, open the diary(or take out the page) and ad some words which can be added.
Thsi has helped me a lot in both- improving my vocabulary and making my piece better.

HOPE I HELPED!!!!

Signing off for now!

I recently reviewed a story, believing it to be the best thing I've read on this site so far, but you just topped the list. The whole idea of being turned into a doll, it is genuis. I get tired of reading the same thing over and over again, so this was refreshing. I thought the beginning was maybe a bit dragged out. I mean, she kept waking up and falling back asleep and then waking up again. You are an expert at description, it seems, because I could envision everything happening just the way you described it. Good job. I give you an A-. You should consider publishing this. I know a lot of people would buy it!

I really like it! Everything was great, i didn't see any grammar errors or anything at all. Great job in starting a story, I'm definitely excited to read the next bit. And the title itself kind of gives an air of mystery, i've already got my own suspicions but i won't say, i'll just read. You've got talent, please keep posting chapters!

When it comes to my critique you caught the error, so no need and repeating that. As for the story over all, I liked it. It really pulled me and peaked my interest, as I wondered, 'where is this girl?' 'Some type of new world?'

Also, the story seems a little...science fiction-y, is it?

I liked the thoughts of Nectar or Nex, I think it was rather believable and natural. Also, I like the description of Tasha, but for her body type, is she thin, skinny, thick, fat, or what? Tall or short? I'm not sure if I spotted any of this in the story. And also, I'm not sure, but wasn't she silent for a while? Wouldn't she have 'croaked' or had a rapsy voice upon speaking for the first time?

All in all, I really liked your beginning and am curious to find out what happens next!

Grandison =D

Just so you guys know, I'm rewriting this, but not on YWS. The other two chapters are taken down. But, if you really want to know what happens, PM me. ^^

Thanks for all the feedback, though!

Overall, this is a GREAT start to a story. Everything about is amazing. I don't find any mistakes and.. It's a very interesting start. Can't wait to read more.