Young Writers Society

He gestured to the busy street hundreds of feet below. Inside, he was beginning to get annoyed. He had only come up for some fresh air, and a wisecracker had to come and ruin his peace. He took a closer look at the man.

Assaulting a government officer here results in a death penalty

“Jump” said a voice from behind him.

“Excuse me?” He asked, slightly confused.

[...] If you didn’t, they shot you with a tranquilizer.” She asked.”My name’s Susan, by the way.

“Well,” he said in a light tone, “typically(not needed seriously) those who jump off buildings die.”

He had only come up for some fresh air,and but a wisecracker had come and ruined his peace.

The girl appeared to be around his age-- about 13, he guessed.

Susan was an avid talker, the boy remarked in his head.

“If you attempt an escape, you will get nowhere. Agents will be are posted at all exits, wearing lead-toed shoes and shirt cuffs( swap the words) This The car is also faster than you will ever be. And when you are caught, you will be put in isolation.” Mark saw Susan shudder.

Soon, a bald man in a black suit came in and stood beside the boy’s bed.

Several men in suits hustled Susan and Mark into a black van.

She knew she couldn’t make it, but she sprinted faster than she had ever gone done before.

She said nothing as she was led to the car.

Dreamy115 wrote:So this is a story I wrote for a contest. It had to be no more than four pages, so sorry if some parts are info dumps. I had to have them there. Thanks, and review away! I'd also really appreciate suggestions on the last sentence.
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“Jump,” said a voice from behind him.
The boy turned.
“Excuse me?” he asked, slightly confused. Obviously this man couldn’t really want him to jump off this huge building. So he's on the ledge? I mean, if he weren't he wouldn't think the guy was asking him to jump off the building. He'd think the guy was just asking to jump up.
“You heard me. Jump. Jump off.”
The boy smiled uncertainly. Surely, the man was trying to be funny.
“Well,” he said in a light tone, “typically those who jump off buildings die.” He gestured to the busy street hundreds of feet below. Inside, he was beginning to get annoyed. Show us his getting annoyed. He had only come up for some fresh air, and a wisecracker had come and ruined his peace. He took a closer look at the man. Tall, well muscled. He looked quite professional, in a black suit with a shock of dark brown hair. You don't need to look closer to see these things. In fact, these are the impressions that hit you first. So move this description up. If he takes a closer look he sees the minute things we don't really pay attention to - the small scar on the hand, etc. The midday sun glinted off his reflective shades. He didn’t look like the wisecracking type.
“I believe you misunderstood me. Jump off this building, before I do something drastic.”
Hmm...No thoughts? No, "Oh crap. What the hell? I better get out of here."?The boy sprinted for the door that led inside. His hand closed around the handle but he was too late. A sharp pain in his back blossomed and he blacked out. The last thing that he saw was the man’s tranquilizer gun.
Pause. Wouldn't he fall face-first? Not on his back? I mean it hit him on the back so he should fall face first. And so he won't see the man's tranquilizer gun.

*
The boy’s eyes fluttered open, only to shut themselves again. A bright light shone on his face. There's something wrong with the way these two sentences follow each other. :/ I can't tell what though. “Where…am…I?” he mumbled.
A girl’s voice answered him. I believe you can delete that sentence if you put "a girl said" instead of she said. It saves you words. “The JCTG. Juvie for freaks,” she said.
Shielding his eyes, the boy sat up. The girl appeared to be around his age-- about 13 he guessed. She was rather petite with long brown hair.
“W-what?”
“You’re a bit slow, aren’t you? This is a juvenile center to freaks like you and me and the other kids behind you. But they call us ‘telekinetically gifted,” she said. Add in body language. Maybe let her shrug.
Turning around, the boy saw several other kids on bunks similar to the one he realized he was on. Most of them were asleep.
“Me? I’m not…” he started.
“Not what? Telekinetic? They’re never wrong. You probably don’t remember much, anyway, do you? They told you to do something weird, right? Like jumping off a building or opening a locked door when you had no key. If you did it, your powers would have kicked in and you would have saved yourself or opened the door. The locked door thing doesn't work because if that happens everytime they do it then they would have realized there was something different about them when they were younger. I mean, come on. Haven't you ever accidentally tried to open a locked door? If you didn’t, they shot you with a tranquilizer. Now you’re here to get them money. My name’s Susan, by the way. The way you move to her name is a little stilted. You might want to reserve it for a different time. You probably don’t remember anything, do you? Repetitive. The tranquilizer they shot you with had an amnesia inducing serum in it.”
Susan was a talker, the boy remarked in his head. But she was right. He didn’t remember anything besides a sharp pain in his lower back.
“Who am I?” he asked.
“Like I’m supposed to know. They’ll tell you soon. They know you’re awake by now,” she said, gesturing to a security camera in the corner of the room “By the way, don’t bother trying to escape. Again, transition. It's lacking. Everything here’s lined with lead. It’s the one substance our powers don’t effect.”
Soon, a bald man in a black suit came in and stood beside the boy’s bed.
“Hello. Your name is Mark. As Susan has explained to you, you’re in the JCTG. Please, both of you come with me now.”
Several men in suits hustled Susan and Mark into a black van.
“You’ll be taking exactly one million dollars from Liberty National Bank. No more, no less.” The one who seemed to be in charge said. Susan nodded grimly.
“If you attempt an escape, you will get nowhere. Agents will be posted at all exits, wearing lead-toed shoes and shirt cuffs. Ha. But you forget, every other thing there won't be. They can throw other stuff that the guards, like other people, sofas, etc. This car is also faster than you will ever be. But they can throw other cars at that car. And when you are caught, you will be put in isolation.” Mark saw Susan shudder.
Eventually, the car pulled up outside a large, fancy-looking bank. The men handed them both backpacks, and they stepped up the marble stairs into a spacious lobby. Susan leaned next to Mark’s ear.
“Mark. You see that exit over there?” she said, gesturing towards one on the opposite side of the lobby. A man in a black suit stood just inside of it, watching them. Mark nodded. “See that sprinkler above his head?” She whispered. Mark looked up and nodded.
“I’m going to make it go off. Then, when the man moves, slip out as quickly and quietly as possible. Run as far as you can, then find someone with a cell phone and call the police. I’ll follow.” She whispered.“Start walking over there. Now.”
Mark did as she told. As he got closer, Susan twisted the sprinkler with her mind. It turned and started spraying. The man under it yelped and ran out of its path, I hardly doubt that. He should be trained. Maybe he'll be started and jump a little, but he ought to be trained to stay there. and Mark broke into a run. The man noticed him just too late. Mark was out the door. He was about to give chase when Susan ran over. He eyed her as she began to run. She knew she couldn’t make it, but she sprinted faster than she had ever gone before. People were staring, but there was nothing she could do. The red exit sign was getting nearer, but so was the man. Faster, faster... He grabbed her wrist just as she reached the door. A few other men in suits were coming towards him to help, but he waved them off.
“So sorry, folks. This is my daughter. She has some problems.” He said, walking her towards the main exit. Susan opened her mouth to speak, but he twisted her wrist painfully. She said nothing as she was led to the car. A few people looked suspicious, but most were more concerned with the sprinkler getting them wet. There's bound to be at least one nosy person. Susan found herself shoved violently into the backseat.
“Where’s the boy?” asked one of them angrily. “Where did you tell him to go?” Hit pause. You just shifted POV. Not good. Stick with Mark's POV or start a new chapter or a new segment. Anything to mark the change in POV.
Susan bit her lip. The man put a gun to her head. “Where is…” he trailed off as someone tapped on his window. He put the gun in his jacket and rolled the window down.
“Well, hello officer. How may I help you?” he asked, his voice sickeningly false. The officer looked into the back of the car.
“We’ve just received a report of child abduction, sir. And unless you can explain that girl in the back of your car and those lumps you and your friends have under your jackets, you are all under arrest.” She said.
Susan looked out of her window to see Mark waving from the backseat of a police cruiser.
Everything was going to be all right.

“Jump,” said a voice from behind him.

The boy turned.

“Excuse me?” he asked, slightly confused. Obviously this man couldn’t really want him to jump off this huge building.

“You heard me. Jump. Jump off.”

The boy smiled uncertainly. Surely, the man was trying to be funny.

“Well,” he said in a light tone, “typically those who jump off buildings die.” He gestured to the busy street hundreds of feet below. Inside, he was beginning to get annoyed. He had only come up for some fresh air, and a wisecracker had come and ruined his peace. He took a closer look at the man. Tall, well muscled. He looked quite professional, in a black suit with a shock of dark brown hair. The midday sun glinted off his reflective shades. He didn’t look like the wisecracking type.

“I believe you misunderstood me. Jump off this building, before I do something drastic.”

The boy sprinted for the door that led inside. His hand closed around the handle, but he was too late. A sharp pain in his back blossomed, and he blacked out. The last thing that he saw was the man’s tranquilizer gun.

“You’re a bit slow, aren’t you? This is a juvenile center to freaks like you and me and the other kids behind you. But they call us ‘telekinetically gifted,” she said.

Turning around, the boy saw several other kids on bunks similar to the one he realized he was on. Most of them were asleep.

“Me? I’m not…” he started.

“Not what? Telekinetic? They’re never wrong. You probably don’t remember much, anyway, do you? They told you to do something weird, right? Like jumping off a building or opening a locked door when you had no key. If you did it, your powers would have kicked in and you would have saved yourself or opened the door. If you didn’t, they shot you with a tranquilizer. Now you’re here to get them money. My name’s Susan, by the way. You probably don’t remember anything, do you? The tranquilizer they shot you with had an amnesia inducing serum in it.”

“Who am I?” he asked.

“Like I’m supposed to know? They’ll tell you soon. They know you’re awake by now,” she said, gesturing to a security camera in the corner of the room “By the way, don’t bother trying to escape. Everything here’s lined with lead. It’s the one substance our powers don’t effect,”

“Hello. Your name is Mark. As Susan has explained to you, you’re in the JCTG. Please, both of you come with me now.”

Susan leaned next to Mark’s ear.

“Mark. You see that exit over there?” she said, gesturing towards one on the opposite side of the lobby. A man in a black suit stood just inside of it, watching them. Mark nodded. “See that sprinkler above his head?” She whispered. Mark looked up and nodded.

“I’m going to make it go off. Then, when the man moves, slip out as quickly and quietly as possible. Run as far as you can, then find someone with a cell phone and call the police. I’ll follow.” She whispered.“Start walking over there. Now.”

“So sorry, folks. This is my daughter. She has some problems.” He said, walking her towards the main exit. Susan opened her mouth to speak, but he twisted her wrist painfully. She said nothing as she was led to the car. A few people looked suspicious, but most were more concerned with the sprinkler getting them wet. Susan found herself shoved violently into the backseat.

“Where’s the boy?” asked one of them angrily. “Where did you tell him to go?”

Susan bit her lip. The man put a gun to her head. “Where is…” he trailed off as someone tapped on his window. He put the gun in his jacket and rolled the window down.

Susan looked out of her window to see Mark waving from the backseat of a police cruiser.

Everything was going to be all right.