Shades of Violet(4)[death]

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Salut! Here is chapter four. I hope you guys are as excited about this as I am. So, I wrote this and was so excited that I only edited it once. Hopefully there aren't too many typos. So, I'd rather hear your input on the actual story, but I know some of you guys are sticklers for grammar. All feedback is loved. Oh, I was looking over at it on here, and it looks kinda short. It was almost 5 pages on word. Hopefully it's a good length. Enjoi! (oh yeah. I changed the protagonist's name, Bradon, to Peter. Tell me if you hate it)


~Shades of Violet~


[4] [death] [Sunday]


Sometimes I hear of people going insane. I mean normal people, maybe even geniuses, going completely bonkers. I always thought that they must have done something really stupid to end up in such a condition. It turns out, sometimes it just happens.
There were only two options in my head that night. One, I was insane. And two, I could actually create illusions with my mind. Earlier, I’d been leaning towards option one. That was before I created the chess piece. I knew that it had happened because I’d tried it. No longer was it a random event with no explanation. It was a supernatural event with an extremely crazy explanation.
I didn’t want to try it again. I know it sounds crazy, but I wanted to forget it ever happened. Most kids daydream about getting a super power and becoming a hero. What they don’t really understand is that there is a long journey from having a power and becoming a hero. People don’t wonder why there are just as many villains as heroes. Besides that, it makes you question everything you’ve ever believed. There is nothing absolute to root yourself in, except the fact that you’re a freak and there’s nothing you can do to change it. So, for a while, I tried to keep it a secret.

▪▫▪

“Are you okay?” I heard Emily ask. We were sitting at the breakfast table. A whole night had past since I found out my gift, which was turning out to be more of a curse.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I answered, not bothering to return her suspicious stare.
“You look exhausted,” Emily stated. I guess she wasn’t going to shrug it off.
“Just had a rough night.” The truth was that I actually didn’t sleep a second the entire night. How could I? My life had just changed forever. There was no way, even now, that I could calm my mind down enough to fall asleep. My heart rate was spiked, and even sitting down, I was sweating.
“You could say that,” Derek said through a mouthful of eggs.
“What do you mean?” Emily asked.
“He was talking to himself like all night,” Derek answered, and watched me carefully for a reaction. I really hoped that he didn’t hear anything specific. Either way, he probably thought I was crazy. I shrugged my shoulders.
“Must have been having a nightmare,” I suggested. It was true enough. My life had become a nightmare.
“Nightmares about Violet?” he asked. A grin spread over his mouth. I opened my mouth to defend myself but was cut off.
“I was thinking about that name. There’s a kid in my chem. class, huge idiot. Anyway, he mentioned his sister once. Her name was Violet. Well, Violet Steele I guess,” Emily said.
Now this was a shocker. I hope my mouth didn’t drop because my stomach sure did. How could she be related to that loser? She put her own brother in the hospital and didn’t even care?
“What? Is that wrong?” Emily asked.
“I hope so,” I returned. She didn’t persist for an explanation this time. I welcomed the silence.
I stared down at my breakfast. I knew I should eat but my stomach was threatening to kill me if I did. The cafeteria was as full as usual now, but as I gazed around the room, the students seemed to have a dull glint in their eyes.
I stood up to toss my tray, and lurched in a daze. The ground seemed to have fallen out from under me.

The wind rushed by face. It brought tears to my eyes and my lips started to bleed. My arms were flailing uncontrollably. There was one thing that I knew for sure. I was going to die. The pavement was rushing up to meet me and the car lights glinted in the dark like fireflies. I tried to open my mouth to scream but my voice stuck in my throat. I was going to die, going to die...then darkness

I woke up screaming and sweating. My whole body was taught and sore. My vision was too blurry to make anything out. Bile rose in my mouth.
“Are you,” a voice began to ask. I screamed again.
“Get away from me!” I yelled. My hands slipped as I attempted to crawl away. “Please, don’t hurt me.” Tears were swelling up in my eyes. I was dead, wasn’t I?
“It’s okay Peter. You’re gonna be fine,” the voice comforted me.
I wiped the tears away on my sleeve. Where was I? Why wasn’t I dead? I should be dead. “You just fainted. The nurses said you’ll be fine in couple hours.”
What nurses? What was happening? My vision started to clear. I could make out somebody leaning over me. I realized that I was lying on some sort of bed. The leather surface was cool against my fingertips.
“Who are you?” I asked in a weak voice. There was silence for a moment.
“Violet Steele. You don’t remember me?” the voice returned. It was obviously feminine now. Who was Violet? Slowly, I started to make out a face. Her high cheek bones and dark hair came into focus. And last, two crimson eyes. My lips parted as I realized who I was looking at. My memory came flooding back to me.
“What happened to me?” I asked, and scrambled into an upright sitting position. “I thought I died.”
She looked at me with confusion wrinkled on her forehead.
“I told you already. You fainted.”
“But I was falling. I hit the ground,” I mumbled.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I saw you pass out and helped the nurses take you to the medical wing. Not hearing her response, I raised my hand and stared in awe at it.
“Am I dead?” I asked again. Everything was so foggy. It felt like a dream.
“For the love of- you’re alive!” she screamed, and slapped me across the face. Searing hot pain leapt up across my cheek with the touch of her skin. I let out a gasp and grabbed my cheek in pain. I sat still there for a moment, my eyes wide. I was alive. What was I thinking? Of course I am alive. I’d never felt more alive in my life.
Violet looked at me, her lips thin. Her jaw trembled with emotion.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. I was confused for a moment, and then I realized what she meant.
“No, it’s okay. But wow, that-that was hot,” I remarked. She looked quizzically at me. “I mean literally.” A smile spread across her face and I stood to my feet. “I thought you said it was too dangerous to talk.”
“I wasn’t going to watch you disappear,” she answered.
“What d’you mean?” I asked. Her eyes flickered to the curtain that separated us from the ears of the nurses.
“It depends,” she whispered
“On what?”
“On whether you have one of these.” She pulled up the sleeve of her shirt to reveal the purple tattoo on the underside of his forearm. My shoulders shook as a chill spread up my back. I had seen that tattoo one too many times.
“I’ve got more than that,” I whispered in her ear, and motioned to the small table beside the head of the bed. There was an ornate vase on it, but the flowers had long ago faded and shriveled up. I glanced back her already staring at me. I looked back at the vase and tried to imagine the prettiest flower I could.
My mom had a garden back at home. She also loved flowers. My dad would bring home some for her every Friday until the day they separated. I always fell asleep to the faint scent of roses or lilacs. I took one of the prettiest roses I could remember and focused all my might.
I could see it in my mind: the intricate petals and the spiny stem that sprung up and spewed rugged thorns. Once I perfected the image in my mind, I tried to imagine it in the vase. It was harder now than before. Maybe it was because I had just died. I focused for a moment and looked back at Violet in dismay.
“Sor-,” I started, and was silenced when a laugh bubbled out of her mouth. She ran past me toward the table. I stood bewildered for a moment before glancing back at the vase. The rose was there, just as I’d imagined. Violet reached out to grab it, but the instant when her fingers would have come in contact, it disappeared.
“What?” she groaned, and stared at her empty hands.
“It’s just an allusion.”
She nodded her head. “I should have known,” she murmured. Before I could ask her what she meant, the sound of more laughter met my ears. I knew this laugh anywhere. It was Emily.
“I guess your friends are here,” Violet said lowly, and started to pull back the curtain.
“No. You should stay,” I pleaded. I imagined the gears turning in her head as she thought of a reply.
“They better have brought food,” she answered with a smile. I could get used to that smile.
“Did somebody say food?” Emily called, which was followed with a chuckle from Derek. I was momentarily blinded as Emily whipped back the curtain and the light streamed in. She was holding the biggest basket of food that could have been possible to carry. After seeing my reaction, she let out a laugh. I glanced at Violet, who was looking extremely uncomfortable.
“Courtesy of Mom and Dad,” Emily stated, and dropped it on the bed.
“What? I couldn’t have been unconscious that long,” I said. Derek sat down on the bed, his braces shining.
“Okay, maybe we took Jay to the arcade again, and maybe we persuaded him to use some of his extra tickets to get you this. But, hey! Look how awesome it is!” Derek stated, and began picking through its contents. I flashed Emily the was-this-your-idea face and she shrugged her shoulders.
“Who’s your friend?” Emily asked, quickly shifting the focus.
“Violet Steele,” I answered. Violet put out her hand, but as Emily reached out for it, she thought better and drew it away as fast as she could.
“Sorry,” she began.
“She’s a bit of a germ freak,” I finished, and Emily nodded.
“Weird,” Emily replied, and joined Derek in rummaging through the food basket.
“So, seeing as you used Jay to get this, shouldn’t he be here to enjoy it,” I said questioningly. Emily glanced back at me with an odd look on her face.
“Apparently, he goes to church during Sunday afternoons. Either that, or he was lying.”
A frown spread across my face. I had never really gone to church. My dad would have been the one that wanted to, but he worked on Sundays. My mom, I don’t think she really believed in god. I never really gave it much thought. My view of it was that people who went to church were the bad people that needed forgiveness so they used religion to mend their conscience. I always thought I had all the answers. Maybe I should join Jayshon. Things were certainly becoming more confusing.
“Try some of this Violet. It’s really good!” Derek exclaimed, and tossed Violet a chip of a chocolate bar. She peered at it suspiciously and ate it.
“That is good!” she agreed. ”What is that?”
The rumble of my stomach overshadowed the answer. Man, it felt like I hadn’t eaten in forever. Without further motivation, I joined them at the basket.
The thing was so jammed pack with food; it was a miracle that they carried it all the way here. I couldn’t imagine how many tickets Jay must have won to get this thing. I grabbed some caramel and sat against the wall. As I chewed, my mind played over the recent events.
I couldn’t explain the recent side effect from the vaccine. Well, I’d assumed that was the cause of all this. It really couldn’t be anything else. The closest guess I could make was that it was just that. A side effect. I sure hoped it would never happen again. My thought transferred to the tattoos. I guess whatever was happening to me was happening to everybody with the tattoos. Why hadn’t anything changed with Derek?
“Hey Derek. Has that mark improved any?” I asked. He looked sickly over at me, crumbs accumulating on her shirt. I noted Violet’s head perk in interest before he answered.
“No. I was actually doing a pretty good job at forgetting about it until now.”
“What mark Derek?” Violet inquired. Man she was sly.
“Oh, it’s nothing really.”
Derek was saved from humiliated himself by his pitiful excuse when the intercom beeped over our heads. It was fuzzy for a moment, and then somebody started to talk.
“Hello? Oh Hello! This is principle Mackabee. I just wanted to make an announcement concerning classes which, as you all know, will be starting up again tomorrow. Because the recent reactions to the flu vaccine, the hospital had sent over representatives to watch over to student body for further symptoms. I know you may think it’s an evasion of privacy. But, according to the state law, it is my job to keep you guys safe. So, you’ll see them posted in the hallways and classrooms. They are there for your safety and please treat them so.”
The speaker clicked off and we sat in silence. After a moment, I poke my mind.
“Bull crap.”






Please remember to "like" it if you enjoyed it. And, feel free to either post your stuff here. Or use the link in my signature to discuss is in the dt.

"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-




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I like it.I thought you were very descriptive when you described the protagonist fainting. I don't see anything wrong with it really, although I am not a stickler on punctuation. Keep writing Fiction.




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This one had far less of those pesky believability issues, so well done on that part. You might find some of my points a little picky, but hopefully some of them can be of help.

Most kids daydream about getting a super power and becoming a hero. What they don’t really understand is that there is a long journey from having a power and becoming a hero. People don’t wonder why there are just as many villains as heroes. Besides that, it makes you question everything you’ve ever believed.

Hmm, nothing wrong with it persay. However, when I read this, it sounds like he's already been on this journey. He's got all this wisdom, but for the reader it would be more satisfying if he didn't think like this now, and he learnt it over time. The hero often refuses the call to adventure in stories, but usually because they're afraid to go outside their comfort zone, not because they're too wise. Especially for a teenage character, learning lessons such as this should be a result of the events of the story, as a coming of age sort of thing.

It's hard to say though. It may just be a personal opinion. PM me if that wasn't really that clear.

The truth was that I actually didn’t sleep a second the entire night. How could I? My life had just changed forever. There was no way, even now, that I could calm my mind down enough to fall asleep. My heart rate was spiked, and even sitting down, I was sweating.

Now we're talking. This is exactly the kind of reaction realistic in the situation. :D

How could she be related to that loser? She put her own brother in the hospital and didn’t even care?

Whoa, lost me there. What makes him think Violet put her brother in hospital. And it sounds like he knows who this kid in Emily's chem class is, but how? Emily only said "this kid" so to him it could be anyone.

two crimson eyes

Err, is there such thing as crimson eyes (Unless she's an albino)?

Her eyes flickered to the curtain that separated us from the ears of the nurses.

I know I'm being picky here, but curtains aren't the best soundproofers.

Violet put out her hand, but as Emily reached out for it, she thought better and drew it away as fast as she could.
“Sorry,” she began.
“She’s a bit of a germ freak,” I finished, and Emily nodded.

He comes up with this excuse rather quickly. Maybe he should stumble for an excuse in his mind, perhaps stutter a bit. That would make his friends a little suspicious, which would create tension.

I had never really gone to church. My dad would have been the one that wanted to, but he worked on Sundays. My mom, I don’t think she really believed in god. I never really gave it much thought. My view of it was that people who went to church were the bad people that needed forgiveness so they used religion to mend their conscience. I always thought I had all the answers. Maybe I should join Jayshon. Things were certainly becoming more confusing.

Hmm, mid conversation he goes on a interior monologue rant about religion. Maybe he'll have a quick thought, but I don't think he'd think about his whole view on religion and then his parents' standpoint just because someone mentioned that someone else was at church. I hope you're not using Peter as a mouthpiece for your own views.

“No. I was actually doing a pretty good job at forgetting about it until now.”

Forgetting it? Wouldn't seeing it every day in the mirror remind him. Finding out how to get rid of it, or at least finding out about it would be more realistic. Surely he doesn't still believe it's a coincidence that they've all reacted this way to the vaccine.

“Bull crap.”

Good, he's finally figured out that this whole thing was no accident. He was a little slow though.

:D
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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thanks for the comments. Hippie: the girl has had crimson eyes half the time for the entire story. It isn't normal, but its a side effect. ill change the religion rant. And really? the curtain thing? Thanks guys.
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

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Hola! Here to review. Sorry I'm late at reviewing this... I've been incredibly busy, and recently, sick. I'm also sorry if I repeat what some other people have said. I don't like to look at other people's reviews until I finish my own. (:

Wow. I love your beginning. =D

A whole night had past since I found out my gift, which was turning out to be more of a curse.


By saying “a whole night”, you're making it sound like a long time instead of an incredibly short one. He just found out about his power last night! That's a very short time to know something of that proportion about yourself. I'd rework that to say;

Only one night had passed since I found out about my gift, which was turning out to be more of a curse than a blessing.”

I added on that end because by saying it was turning out to be 'more of' a curse, you usually associate a comparison with the word 'more'. At least, that's what it looks like it should be. To me. Maybe you don't have the add that part on, but I thought it enhanced the sentence a little.

Spoiler
Wow, I just noticed, you and I have very similar writing styles. Cool (:


“It’s just an allusion.”


I think you mean “illusion”.

“I guess your friends are here,” Violet said lowly, and started to pull back the curtain.


lowly= slowly.

She was holding the biggest basket of food that could have been possible to carry.


Awkward sentence. Maybe try something like;
“She was holding the biggest basket of food she could possibly carry.”

“So, seeing as you used Jay to get this, shouldn’t he be here to enjoy it,” I said questioningly.


This is a question and should be written so:
“So, seeing as you used Jay to get this, shouldn't he be here to enjoy it?” I questioned them.

My mom, I don’t think she really believed in god.


God should be capitalized, and I think this sentence is awkward. It should be one of the two choices;
“My mom didn't really believe in God.”
Or;
“I don't think my mom really believed in God.”

”Try some of this Violet. It’s really good!”


Comma after 'this'.

She peered at it suspiciously and ate it.


“She peered at it suspiciously, but ate it anyway.” ?

The thing was so jammed pack with food; it was a miracle that they carried it all the way here.


That semi-colon should be a comma.

P.S. I'm sorry if I'm getting super nit-picky. If it bothers you, then just tell me so on my WRFF thread and I'll tone it down in the future.

The closest guess I could make was that it was just that. A side effect.


This could be one sentence if you turn that first period into a semi-colon.

He looked sickly over at me, crumbs accumulating on her shirt. I noted Violet’s head perk in interest before he answered.


Sickly? And odd way of describing someone who's shoving food down their throat... also, I think that 'her' is meant to be 'his'. I also think you could get rid of the 'before he answered' at the end.


So, overall, wow. I loved it. I clicked the “Like” button already. XD This story is awesome. I'm planning to follow the rest of it as you post it too. ;)
Basically, the only things to edit are minor. Grammar and stuffs. Some sentence structural problems. Nothing big. Your character development seems good, though not amazing.
Again, good job, and keep writing. =D

~Peanut
Have a peanut =)

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So I have a few problems with this chapter. First I have lots of questions. Normally that's not a bad thing, you want the reader to ask questions to keep them interested in the story but the questions I have don't make the story more interesting the take away from the over all quality of the story. Like why are they still hanging out with Jay? He was kind of a random character and he entered the story awkwardly. Why did Jay buy the basket of food? Again with the weirdness of how he entered the story. Why was Violet there when he woke up? That was pretty random too. At first she didn't want to talk to him and didn't want anything to do with him and now she's concerned about his health. It's a little far-fetched. I would change that by maybe having Peter confused when he wakes as to why she's there and then have her explain how she changed her mind or something. And don't get me wrong there are good questions too. Why did he faint? Was he tired, hungry, or was it a side effect of the vaccine? That sort of thing keeps us interested. And another thing, it really is starting to drag. They;re just continuing like ain't nothing wrong in the world when obviously there is. It makes your characters appear stupid. Maybe he should tell them about his gift because any normal person would be scared and would have to tell someone about what was going on. Other then that not so shabby. You just really need to pick up the pace of the story or else I'll lose interest and I won't be able to bring you these lovely reviews. Keep writing.

~Shine
rise and shine
and open up your eyes
to give this world some color
shine on diamond eyes
seperate the space
between love and lies

3393 words




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Okay people. Everybody thinks this is starting to drag. I really tried to make it exciting and stuff, but ir didn't work I guess. So, What can I do that would make it so? Please answer.
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

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There doesn't seem to be anything at stake. Put them, or someone or something they care about in danger so that the only way to remove or overcome that danger is for them to act. If say, one of them got kidnapped, the rest would no longer be able to just hang around chatting and eating junk. They'd have to act, because one of their friends' lives is at stake.

Not saying someone has to get kidnapped. Just make something happen. The most basic plot structure is, the ordinary world, is disrupted by an incident, which acts as a motive to make the characters work towards a goal. The journey towards this goal should involve conflict, both internal and external, and tension.

You've got ordinary world and an incident, but the incident doesn't motivate your characters to work towards a goal. All they want to do is try and forget about it and go back to the ordinary world. Ideally the inciting incident should be related to these strange marks and powers, and not something else thrown in afterwards, else the vaccine/powers stuff will become a false start.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Yay!!!!! I love your stories!!! Sorry I was a little late w/ the reply. I couldnt find this story anywhere!! Finally I looked in your profile. I nothing more to say besides it was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A



“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author