Young Writers Society

The last cry of crime
Crime thriller by Ben Franks

(Violent imagery might be unsuitable for some)

Prologue.

The blue flames lapsed violently at me, like a harsh whip bearer sustaining their delight. I gasped for breath only to be succumbed by oily smoke. It drowned me like a chaotic whirlwind at sea. The flames grew closer now; the heat intolerable. This would be the end of me, the end of the road. I cursed in anger and began attacking the smog that sunk in the air around me, whaling my hands and arms around like a violent hound. I wanted to get out and I wanted to stay alive. I cried in terror as the flames began to devour my lower limbs. The harsh, hot atmosphere was dressing me in its death. I wouldn’t last long now; the air was thinning by the minute and the smoke was clasping the glands of my throat.
I cried once more, watching the blue flicker with the orange. The flame’s devil eyes were advertising my fate, cynically torturing me for my every last second. It played with me, cursed by its need for entertainment. I tried crying once more but I couldn’t produce any more sound than the shatter of coughs that followed. A clatter of groans and gapes for fresh air and the faint desire to be free of this hell torched my mind. Pain crawled up my body, tickling its burns upon my skin. I fell onto the burning wood below me and gave my corpse to the devil’s flame. Its dry blaze seared in victory. Its victim, hunted.
A single tear trailed from my eye, down my soft warm cheeks. It was the last bit of peace I would ever know; my body lay to roast under the devil’s watchful eye.

This is real good, actually! You described things very well and did a lot of relating, it stood out. Good job, I want to see chapter one! Keep it up!

I liked it, you can write really well. One thing though, it was a bit over-descriptive for my taste; by the second paragraph I was kinda thinking "I get it already", and I think you could shorten it up a little. It might work this way if in was in the actual story, but for a prologue, I found it a bit much. It was still really good though; your imagery is brilliant, and the over-descriptiveness could just be perceived as a matter of taste, as I tend to be the opposite in writing.

Another thing - "like a harsh whip bearer sustaining their delight". I got what you meant by that and actually liked it quite well, but when I tried to dissect it, it didn't make much sense literally. I'd reword it somehow.

Overall, great job.

My God. I love your word choice. Which means something because word choice really isn't my thing. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've never met you so Hi, I'm Dianne! I've never admitted this to anyone, (because no one's ever asked), but I am all up for thrillers and crime and your prologue just pulled me in. The Last Cry of Crime? You really have an amazing sense of word detail and consideration. Really.
I love the descriptions you give, it sort of reminds of me of teachers telling me to show my story rather than tell it, and you have definitely done that with this prologue. Your sentence structuring is amazing and so is your addition of the MC's pain and last thoughts.
I hope you post up more because this story sounds extremely interesting and wonderful to read. Good luck with your writing!

Hello BenFranks, I'm here as requested.

This prologue is amazing. Your description and word choice are really fabulous, they gave me a clear picture in my mind which is important in a Crime novel. I noticed one thing:

This would be the end of me, the end of the road. I cursed in anger and began attacking the smog that sunk in the air around me, whaling my hands and arms around like a violent hound.

Whaling doesn't seem like quite the right word here, simply using the word 'waving' or 'flailing' would work better.

Other than that though this was really good. I liked the addition of the thoughts of the MC at the end, this gave us a chance to empathize with the character a little more.
I am interested to see where the plot is going to go with this, I am sure it is going to be interesting.

Well Done!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Thanks Lydia and everyone else for the great feedback!

Hey, Ben! Welcome to YWS, blah blah blah. I'm JK.

First off: This piece is a little rough around the edges. I think your brain and your hands may not have been on the same page when you wrote this, because there are a lot of words that sound like others that fit better, and this isn't really a piece for malapropisms. (If that makes sense.) For instance...

The blue flames lapsed violently at me

Did you mean lapped?
Another thing about this sentence: You may want to pick a different word, because if it was "lapped", that word gives it the connotation of something gentle, and that clashes with the image of violent in a bad way.

I gasped for breath only to be succumbed by oily smoke.

This sentence sounds a bit awkward, you may want to reword it.

I cursed in anger and began attacking the smog that sunk in the air around me,

Here, word choice. Maybe replace "sunk" with "choked" or "stifled"?
I do, however, admire your use of synonyms and am very glad that you used smog and not smoke

I wanted to get out and I wanted to stay alive. I cried in terror as the flames began to devour my lower limbs.

This is a major point in your story, because your MC makes the transistion of being scared of dying to actually dying. It sounds a little abrupt, you may want to put more in between.

The harsh, hot atmosphere was dressing me in its death.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand this sentence. You might want to make its meaning a little more obvious to thickheaded girls like me.

watching the blue flicker with the orange

I really like this piece of imagery.

I couldn’t produce any more sound than the shatter of coughs that followed.

A "shatter" doesn't describe quantity. Maybe drop the numerical aspect and just go with a description?

Pain crawled up my body, tickling its burns upon my skin

This is another good example of contradictory descriptions. Tickling and burning are completely different.

So it needs a little work. Who cares, the concept was pretty dang good! And you are the author. My comments are only comments, and you can choose to ignore them if that's what you want to do. I hope this helped!
-JK

Hi Ben,
So I agree with Attolia in saying that till the second paragraph I was totally exhausted and wanted to get over it. But nice job man. You really have something for writing. PM me the next chapter.

The blue flames lapsed violently at me, like a harsh whip bearer sustaining their delight. I gasped for breath only to be succumbed by oily smoke. It drowned me like a chaotic whirlwind at sea. The flames grew closer now; the heat intolerable. This would be the end of me, the end of the road. I cursed in anger and began attacking the smog that sunk in the air around me, whaling my hands and arms around like a violent hound. I wanted to get out and I wanted to stay alive. I cried in terror as the flames began to devour my lower limbs. The harsh, hot atmosphere was dressing me in its death. I wouldn’t last long now; the air was thinning by the minute and the smoke was clasping the glands of my throat.

The bold sentence could however be constructed more nicely like,:' I wanted to get out of this hell and live my life to it's fullest or something like that.

Keep writing !!!!!!

Thanks for the feedback guys,

Hi BenFranks,

This piece was repetitive and generally well below mediocre. The imagery throughout is on par, although nothing stands out as really catching the reader's eye; unfortunately, it doesn't even approach the minimum standard for many issues, most notably flow.

BenFranks wrote:The blue flames lapsed violently at me, like a harsh whip bearer sustaining their delight. I gasped for breath only to be succumbed by oily smoke. It drowned me like a chaotic whirlwind at sea. The flames grew closer now; the heat intolerable. This would be the end of me, the end of the road. I cursed in anger and began attacking the smog that sunk in the air around me, whaling my hands and arms around like a violent hound. I wanted to get out and I wanted to stay alive. I cried in terror as the flames began to devour my lower limbs. The harsh, hot atmosphere was dressing me in its death. I wouldn’t last long now; the air was thinning by the minute and the smoke was clasping the glands of my throat.

I did this, I did that, I gasped for breath, I cursed in anger, I wanted to get out, I wanted to stay alive, I cried in terror, I wouldn't last long.

You see that? It's called having no ability to vary your sentence format, or length, for that matter. Most of these sentences are precisely at the uncomfortable median where they are long enough not to be counted as choppy and breathless and short enough not to be counted as fluid. This creates a rocky road for the reader, already exhausted from having to navigate past his annoyance for the way you begin every other sentence with "I".

I cried once more, watching the blue flicker with the orange. The flame’s devil eyes were advertising my fate, cynically torturing me for my every last second. It played with me, cursed by its need for entertainment. I tried crying once more but I couldn’t produce any more sound than the shatter of coughs that followed. A clatter of groans and gapes for fresh air and the faint desire to be free of this hell torched my mind. Pain crawled up my body, tickling its burns upon my skin. I fell onto the burning wood below me and gave my corpse to the devil’s flame. Its dry blaze seared in victory. Its victim, hunted.

This paragraph is a little better, but not much. "Cursed by its need for entertainment"? You throw this statement out at the reader and expect him to swallow it up without any sort of backing. Yes, writers are supposed to create worlds and characters, but this doesn't mean spontaneously employing a part of some theme or background whenever you see fit. How are we supposed to make sense out of that? Why does it have a need for entertainment? Why is it cursed, and how? While giving the reader a sense of what's to come and what questions will later be answered, learn to do it tastefully so it does not look like you are purposely dangling a carrot in front of his face.

That last sentence is grammatically incorrect.

A single tear trailed from my eye, down my soft warm cheeks. It was the last bit of peace I would ever know; my body lay to roast under the devil’s watchful eye.

The single tear action as to be the one most cliched description of helplessness and defeat in the history of writing, and your usage of it completely shatters what was already a story made fragile by numerous other errors. Find some other way to describe loss.

In addition, why would you imagine your cheeks as "soft and warm"? The character is burning to death; "soft and warm" isn't nearly the kind of imagery that would be expected from someone in that situation. Keep your descriptions parallel to each other as they run through the story.

In general, this is a poorly written prologue, and prologues themselves are in danger based upon the reason for their very existence. Recycle this piece. Keep the imagery, for it is decent enough, and actually come up with some kind of mini-story in the prologue that isn't simply a regurgitation of "I was burning up" over and over again.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I did this, I did that, I gasped for breath, I cursed in anger, I wanted to get out, I wanted to stay alive, I cried in terror, I wouldn't last long.

You see that? It's called having no ability to vary your sentence format, or length, for that matter. Most of these sentences are precisely at the uncomfortable median where they are long enough not to be counted as choppy and breathless and short enough not to be counted as fluid. This creates a rocky road for the reader, already exhausted from having to navigate past his annoyance for the way you begin every other sentence with "I".

Well I agree with Gallerius. It becomes way oo much to handle for the reader. Maybe you would want to improve on that....

Thanks Galerius for taking your time to review.

Now, I didn't have as many problems with this piece as your previous reviewers. For the most part everybody has chopped down your short piece and stretched it into enormous reviews. I'm still wondering how they did that.

The blue flames lapsed violently at me, like a harsh whip bearer sustaining their delight. I gasped for breath only to be succumbed by oily smoke. It drowned me like a chaotic whirlwind at sea. The flames grew closer now; the heat intolerable. This would be the end of me, the end of the road. I cursed in anger and began attacking the smog that sunk in the air around me, whaling my hands and arms around like a violent hound. I wanted to get out and I wanted to stay alive. I cried in terror as the flames began to devour my lower limbs. The harsh, hot atmosphere was dressing me in its death. I wouldn’t last long now; the air was thinning by the minute and the smoke was clasping the glands of my throat.

Perhaps 'the end of the road' could go before 'the end of me'. You know, to make it seem more dramatic. At the moment it seems like the protagonists cares more about a metaphorical road then his life. But really, you are describing the same thing in that sentence, so it may be best to simply drop one of the phrases all together.

I cried once more, watching the blue flicker with the orange. The flame’s devil eyes were advertising my fate, cynically torturing me for my every last second. It played with me, cursed by its need for entertainment. I tried crying once more but I couldn’t produce any more sound than the shatter of coughs that followed. A clatter of groans and gapes for fresh air and the faint desire to be free of this hell torched my mind. Pain crawled up my body, tickling its burns upon my skin. I fell onto the burning wood below me and gave my corpse to the devil’s flame. Its dry blaze seared in victory. Its victim, hunted.

Your use of the word 'hunted' does not add to the atmosphere here. It would almost seem like the protagonists was being chased by a man wielding a flamethrower. Obviously, that is not the case here. I highly suggest you find another word for it.

Closing words:

What I liked: I really enjoyed the imagery, even if it did seem to drone on about the same event.

What I didn't like: You leave sort of a hanging feeling here with things. You give a description and suddenly whip to another, often with no balancing sentence in between. But it's nothing that really killed the experience.

Happy writing Ben. Cheers.

-

Thanks for your thoughts AM

I'll get what I believe to be a typo out of the way first:

the blue flames lapsed violently at me.

I think you mean lapped, unless the flames were victims of a horrible medical condition .

I really liked it, you've got atmosphere in spade and I really like the similes etc. to build it up, Finally It makes me want to know more, which is never a bad thing. (albeit a two edged sword in your case; having the prerequisite knowledge that you never finish anything is not in the least bit annoying!)
The only things I would change are:

The harsh, hot atmosphere was dressing me in its death.

I would reverse the harsh, hot atmosphere with death (ie. Death was dressing me in its hot, harsh atmosphere.) it's just more effective for me.

A clatter of groans and gapes for fresh air and the faint desire to be free of this hell torched my mind.

I would get rid of A clatter of groans and gapes for fresh air and (and) also the 'faint'. Because that way it makes more sense.

Other than that a stellar piece of Fiction from the 'non-ficton guru'

Finally:

It drowned me like a chaotic whirlwind at sea.

I would be really careful using adverbs like this( A relic from the ol' English creative writing SATs 'n' GCSE cource) It can be very effective... but it can also be dangerous and I like to avoid using them this way if possible.