Young Writers Society

HI! Critics are definitely wanted! This is my first story to post! The Series is called Europe(any suggestions for a new title containing the word 'Europe' in it?).The Chapter is called Italy/Spain. In my blog, I said to

pack your bags

right? Ha Ha, well I fooled you (J.K.). No need to pack you bags YET though! The triplets are deciding what place to have a vacation to, Spain or Italy? Which do YOU prefer? Have you been, heard or do you live in one? Tell me, and please critique!
Wanting to publish,
Triple Travel Tales


Enticing Italy

The Jones family was planning on going on a trip. Mr. Jones was going to let his children decide were they wanted to go first, Italy or Spain.
Jasmine, Juliet, and Jessica were the three children of the family. They were triplets. They had all grown to be very alike in many ways and very different in others.
Jasmine was very persuasive when wanting to get her way. She was always planning ahead and wondering what will happen in the future. She also was the attention of all boys because of her talents and beauty. She was’t just one of those popular girls though. She was popular, but she got very good grades and did’t care that much about boys or other nonsense things like the other infielders did (popular people). All she really did care about was her studies and praying that she will have a good life and that the world would change to be a better place.
Juliet was always wanting her way, but was’t very persuasive. Juliet was also very boy crazy, and always wanting the attention of the boys. She once trying to be like Jasmine for a week she did’t even get half- way through being Jasmine (also called Corny).
Jessica would usually just go with the flow and remember the words “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.” So she didn’t really care if she got her way or not. Jessica was a video gamer; that is what Juliet liked to call her. She had a big sweet tooth and was always up for something new. She was not really ever in the mood for an argument. So now that we all understand what the girls are like and some of there reactions to things let’s go on with the story.
One day the Jones family was going to go on a vacation. The Dad didn’t know which place to go to. Spain or Italy so he decided to ask his triplets.
He thought about their traits and decided that Jessica would be the tie breaker of the persuasive debate. He thought that this was a good method and so he followed it.
This is how it all began……
“O.K. girls I’m going to leave it up to you three.” Dad told us, “You guys get to decide were you want to go first, Spain or Italy.”
“Spain is better than Italy.” Said Juliet looking at Jasmine and then at Jessica. “Really, I want to go to Italy first. It’s better than Spain; it has more monuments and interesting things for tourists. What do you think Jessica?” Jasmine responded to what she took as a question.
“I don’t care really where we go first. As long as it’s a vacation, since both places are great vacation spots, I don’t really care.”
So Juliet tried to convince Jasmine into wanting to go to Spain and not Italy first with all non- factual things. Like there’s better food and weather and better sweets. How they could were there new spaghetti strap shirts. And she would go on and on for so long that it’s hard to name them all. None of them really worked though. Jasmine just wouldn’t give in!
After awhile Jasmine said “I want to go to Italy first! It has so many cities. We could probably even go to three place, Venice, Rome, and Cortina.

Hey, Olli here...

This is way too long for me, I get side tracked waytoo easily. So I'm sorry i wont review this, I will later thogh.


Olli

Hi TripleTravelTales. I'd love to review this, but it's way, way too long me. I did a quick word count check, and this is 5,452 words, which translates out to about 11 pages. It's hard for me to sit through and critique that much at a time. I'd break this up into smaller sections of about 1,500 words each. Please PM me when that happens, and then I will be a happy to review it.

~Elinor

Hey there!

People were talking about how long this was. Long entries are difficult to review well online, but you have an easy fix: I do believe your story is put twice into the same post! You have the chapter, then your author's note, then the chapter again. Just delete the repeated bit and you have a much easier-to-read section that people will be much more able to review!



~GryphonFledgling

Thanks! I thought people liked LONG stories! Guess no over 5,000 words. I was sort of in a rush and just put it out there. I'll break it up now! Hope it will be easier! It is one whole chapter, so I guess I'll just do parts now I'll give the first part here!
Thanks a lot!
-TTT-

O.K! I cut a lot of it off. I hope you can review better now!
I'll re name this to so that it doesn't say chap 1, but Part 1.

Thanks!
-TTT-

Hey, my name's Kaedee, and I'll being reviewing this piece today!


Corrections/Nit-Picks:


Here are some corrections for you!

It seems that you spent most of this chapter explaining about the triplets' personalities. This starts off my corrections. Over the story the reader should get to know the characters...people generally don't explain their personalities in the very first chapter.

TripleTravelTales wrote:The Jones family was planning on going on a trip.

'Was' should be 'were'.

TripleTravelTales wrote:Mr. Jones was going to let his children decide were they wanted to go first, Italy or Spain.

I would re-write this sentence like this: 'Mr. Jones was going to let his children decide where they wanted to go first: Italy or Spain.

TripleTravelTales wrote:They had all grown to be very alike in many ways and very different in others.

What twins, triplets, etc. don't? I don't really think this sentence is needed.

TripleTravelTales wrote:did’t

'Didn't'.

TripleTravelTales wrote:All she really did care about was her studies and praying that she will have a good life and that the world would change to be a better place.

'Praying that she will have a good life and the world would change to be a better place' does not fit with the first half, it should be a separate sentence.

TripleTravelTales wrote:Juliet was always wanting her way, but was’t very persuasive.

Should be 'wasn't'. You can say, 'Juliet always wanted her way, but wasn't very persuasive, unlike Jasmine'. I think it would sound better that way.

TripleTravelTales wrote:Juliet was also very boy crazy, and always wanting the attention of the boys.

I think this is not the first tense problem I've seen in here...I'm talking about the 'always wanting' part that should be 'always wanted'. Perhaps you should just say 'and always wanted their attention' since you repeat 'boys' twice in one sentence. You should just say 'boy crazy', not 'very boy crazy'.

TripleTravelTales wrote:She once trying to be like Jasmine for a week she did’t even get half- way through being Jasmine (also called Corny).

Should be 'didn't'. Tense problem again! This sentence doesn't make sense. 'She once trying to be like Jasmine for a week'? I'm talking about the idea and the way you wrote it.

TripleTravelTales wrote:Jessica would usually just go with the flow and remember the words “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.” So she didn’t really care if she got her way or not

I would re-write the first sentence like this: 'Jessica usually went with the flow and followed this motto: "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit." You don't need the second sentence...you're practically just repeating yourself.

TripleTravelTales wrote:One day the Jones family was going to go on a vacation. The Dad didn’t know which place to go to. Spain or Italy so he decided to ask his triplets.

You said that already in the first sentence of your story!

TripleTravelTales wrote:“O.K. girls I’m going to leave it up to you three.” Dad told us, “You guys get to decide were you want to go first, Spain or Italy.”

'Us'? The narrator is one of the siblings? Doesn't make sense.

TripleTravelTales wrote:He thought about their traits and decided that Jessica would be the tie breaker of the persuasive debate. He thought that this was a good method and so he followed it.

Huh? Don't understand.

Overall: Generally I would tell the writer that I would review the characters, but not at the first chapter since I hardly knew anything about them! But here, it's a different story since you have decided to post the personalities. You can make an entertaining story out of these girls, but their personalities don't seem to be very complex...they seem very 2-D. This was fun to read, but I suggest making this a teensy bit longer (I heard about how long this was before, though!) so I can review more main ideas, etc.

Hope I helped. Keep on writing-

KD

Hi! Sorry that this was delayed. I've been very busy. School can bite, ya know?
Anyway! To the review.

This piece struck me a bit as kind of bland, and it reminds me of how I used to write because you're making a lot of the same mistakes that I did then. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but if I could think of one word to describe it, it would be fla . Your introduction didn't hook me, and I didn't feel connected to your characters.

Right now the tone and style of your introduction seems to match a fill-in-the-blanks kind of outline. First, introduce the plot. Secondly, describe the characters. Add in a bit of dull dialogue, and then you can begin telling story. What is wrong with this? A few things. If you introduce and give a fully-detailed bio on each character right away, the reader is going to get bored. Another way to put it is that we don't need to know all of this information right now. We'll slowly figure out certain character traits of a person-they do not to be told to us.

I'd revise this with one thing in mind. Story comes first. Although characters are extremely important, story is what is going to keep your characters reading. You don't tell the reader that your character is fully developed-you show them through actions, dialogue and tone. Description is usually set aside for things like appearance. This is a story, not an encyclopedia page. I'd save this bit, however, as character profile of sorts to refer to.

Well, I'm afraid I've rambled on a bit too long. Don't be afraid to PM me if you have any questions. Good luck with your writing, and I hope you take this piece somewhere.

-Elinor