Young Writers Society

I added the Prologue too since it was short. It's a start to a new piece I've been working on. It's a work in progress... but I'd love to hear what you guys think about it.

~Pink

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Prologue


Danaus looked into the eyes of Juvenal and sucked in a brave breath. “I will return within twelve hours, I promise.”
Juvenal straightened his large oval spectacles and gave him a grim look. “Prince Danaus, this is a dangerous journey. I really hope you follow my instructions,” he added. “If you do not return from the human realm tonight, you will not be able to come back for another month.”
“I understand,” Danaus said, assuring the old magician.
Juvenal smiled, releasing the wrinkles next to his wise eyes and turned towards the full moon. “Now, as the humans say, let’s get jiggy with it!” The old man chuckled and drew magical blue patterns in the air with the tip of his finger.
The midnight breeze brushed through the dark forest and Danaus’s heart was beating with excitement. He could feel the ground whisper secrets to him already and he smiled, watching his hunched mentor finish the rune that displayed itself brilliantly in the air. The symbol glow the same hue of the moon and gave off a warm yet bone chilling aura.
Danaus’s hair whipped wildly as the portal opened. His eyes widened at the magnificent sight before him. Of course, the royal court were afraid of this, it was so open so out there…
“Come, my Prince, enter it quickly!” Juvenal yelled over the loud rustle of the leaves. He held onto his cane firmly as he pointed towards the open symbol which had some sort of vortex in it now. “Jump inside! Remember what I told you!”
Danaus’s feet were cold and he seemed to waver at the moment. Should I really go through with this? Is it worth it? Will I make it back? His gulped down his fears and shook his head, leaning down. This was no time to fear, he had waited for this moment for a long time now and he was going to get the answers finally.
From his lean back, sprouted large orange and black butterfly wings and two long thin black antennas sprung from his head. He bolted forward, running at a speed he never thought was possible. He felt his feet hover above the grass and his massive wings beat with the rhythm of the wind. He screamed at the top of his lungs as he leaped into the gate of the portal, entering the human realm.

Hum, Pink? Did you perhaps forget to tell everyone you had posted the edit of this chapter and written a second? LOL

Seriously, loved this chapter, I did notice a few mistakes . . .

From his lean back, sprouted large orange and black butterfly wings and two long thin black antennas sprung from his head. He bolted forward, running at a speed he never thought was possible. He felt his feet hover above the grass and his massive wings beat with the rhythm of the wind. He screamed at the top of his lungs as he leaped into the gate of the portal, entering the human realm

No mistake here; I just really love how it is phrased

She asked some odd questions, things that would make people blush and looked away but she stood firm

And look away maybe? Not looked away.

I pulled her arm all of a sudden. “Come one, we’re already late for class.”

come on

“Her? Ah, nobody.” He smiled at me and brushed my hair back.

Alarm bells ringing in my head now. Melanie: he's lying !! LOL

The school day passed like every other day, boring and slow. I mean, I think God intentionally slows down time when I’m in school just to torture me, seriously

Haha! True!

how Justin picked the perfect to thrown his senior bash.

Missin' a word here.

peeked into my dad’s room and found him snoring like a gorilla. He was a defense lawyer so he usually ended up working until really late so he never got much sleep. I was glad I had him though, since my mother passed away when I was six dad had been working extra hard to raise me right and I think he did an alright job

Huh! Flashback to another -great- story with a motherless teenager who is raised by her dad. Ring a bell, cucumber?

I then combed my wavy black hair, which I had died a few months ago

Not sure but isn't it 'dyed' ?

I mean some kid was lying on the sidewalk to his house, odd I know.

Ok, this is just my opinion but I would italicize 'sidewalk' and put a comma after house. Just me, though. I think it would flow better.

I pushed my way through the dancing bodies and grabbed a plastic cup from one of the guys who was walking around passing them out. I quickly gulped it down before I reached the top of the stairs. I threw it into the bathroom trash and pivoted

Ok, maybe I'm being too literal here, but maybe you should specify that you downed -gulped- the contents of the glass then threw it out. I know what you mean but it's a little awkward in the flow, you know?

I whimpered, disbelieve in my eyes

disbelief

My eyes were already red and the tears burned.

how could she know her eyes were red? Did she glance at herself in a mirror?

Ok, Justin's a total and complete jerk. So what if he's rich and popular? MoroN! LOL love this chapter Pink, explains a lot about her, compared to the last one. Ok, going to read the next chapter

Tanya

Pink! Okay, here, as requested.

I whipped it forwards and slapped the back of Mark’s head. His head bobbed and I heard the satisfying sound of hand on head.

Do you see how many words of the same sound there are in this sentence? It might sound good in poems, but not here. You repeat head twice, and for some reason I read the heard as a head, too. I am probably not the only person who did this, or maybe I'm just special (:P), so you might want to rethink this sentence.

Sometimes, I had the feeling that Carla fed on gossip like a flower who fed on the sun.

Very true. Nice realism.

I mean, I think God intentionally slows down time when I’m in school just to torture me, seriously.

Okay, so your starting to go overboard with the teen slang and narration. It is good for a while, then it gets annoying. Readers don't want to hear this girl talk like this all the time. I personally want to read about sweet, caring characters. She seems more like a minor character to me... like the mean girl who rules the school. ew.
Also, I'm a little scared that your fantasy element is being shot down in this. You are straying from it. You might want to mention something fantasyish in this beginning or people will start to question...

It was raining heavily by the time I got home and I quickly jumped out of my orange mini cooper and ran inside with my purse over my head.

Mini Cooper is a name, therefore should be capitalized.

He was a defense lawyer so he usually ended up working until really late so he never got much sleep

Awkward sentence.
"He was a defense lawyer, so he usually worked really late and never got much sleep."
You just have too many unnecessary words in there.

I also want to add that this was extremely predicable. Once she said that she told him she wouldn't get there till later, I knew this was going to happen. You might want to rethink the start of this, and don't give too much away, you know?

I think you have something here. I always love your writing. You have poetic phrases, a nice voice, and you can portray any character.

Keep writing!

Classy

Hiya Pink!

I'm really sorry it took so long. Hectic life stuff--friend's really sick, been having to get my guy ready to go on deployment...fortunately that's over, so here I am! Finally, right?

So I'll do the prologue first, then the chapter.

Anyway. I liked the prologue quite a bit. Pretty whimsical--and a butterfly! I'm interested. The first bit definitely hooked me. The "get jiggy with it" line made me laugh and wonder if these characters really know how the humans are, whether they keep up with them as closely as they might want to. It sort of shows an old-fashioned naivety, and I hope that's what you were going for.

There are a few nitpicks:

The midnight breeze brushed through the dark forest and Danaus’s heart was beating>Try a stronger verb here--pounding, palpitating, racing? with excitement. He could feel the ground whisper secrets to him already and he smiled, watching his hunched mentor finish the rune that displayed itself brilliantly in the air. The symbol glowed the same hue of the moon and gave off a warm yet bone chilling aura.

From his lean back(no comma) sprouted large orange and black butterfly wings and two long thin black antennas sprung from his head.

I like the description you have in here. Really good start. I'd suggest grabbing Ye Olde Thesaurus and spicing it up a bit. Also, watch your past/present tenses and commas. If you need further help, let me know.

Now, to the chapter!

Honestly, it threw me off a little bit. You started with this really interesting prologue, and then I find myself stuck for the majority of the plotline in a high school. There's not much of a transition to tell how these two things are connected. Anyway. Let's see what we've got here.

I pointed at Mark with my finger. >This is weird; "with my finger" doesn't seem necessary, because usually pointing is with a finger. “You get your facts straight, little man. I’m not dating Justin because he’s popular or because he’s rich. I really do like him, okay?” I was tired of people assuming I was some sort of gold digger or a whore. Justin might be the school’s hottest guy and I might be the school’s bad girl but I think we were meant to be, right? >"...right?" That's what you're telling the reader, so that's not really necessary. And I'm going to put this out here: how are they "meant to be?" You continue to say that they are, but you don't seem to give the reader any reason why they would be. Seems like you've got two totally different people who seem, at this point, to have nothing in common, meant for each other. A little building upon this idea is required.

Justin, my boyfriend for over a month and a half,

...and then...

I just had to be understanding and that’s why Justin and I survived all this time.

Hm? That's not really such a long time. What exactly did they survive? It needs to be a little more believable.

I went into my room and took a quick shower. I changed into a pair of leather skinny jeans and a loose grey top. I looked into the mirror and put on my make-up. I always wore dark make-up, it made my green eyes look more appealing and my rose-colored lips never needed lipstick so I just added some gloss so they looked shiny. I then combed my wavy black hair, which I had died a few months ago. I looked at my scalp and I could already see the brown roots that meant I had to dye my hair again. It was a good thing my hair was brown, no one could really notice.
A pet peeve: a large dump about how the character looks. The magic formula is to pepper small details throughout the work to describe how someone looks; doing it like this really takes away from the focus of the story. Even if it is to describe that she's putting on makeup. You could just say something like "I ran a comb through my hair and then carefully put on my trademark dark makeup." That way it's not such a detail-dump.

“Mel!” Carla bounced over towards me. She held onto a plastic cup and I knew exactly what that was. “Oh my god, you have to see Sean, he’s like doing this thing with the pillow-”
Aww, I wanted to know what he was doing with the pillow.

There he was, pants unzipped and shirt off with that tall blonde girl I had seen earlier. They were on his bed and she was straddled over his lap and her front shirt >shirt front? was unbuttoned.

Hm. I agree that the ending of it was quite predictable; I saw it coming when the party was mentioned, really.

I didn't correct the problems that have already been touched on, but the advice of the reviewers before me is good. I'd take that too.

One thing I see here, also, is that the characters seem a bit flat. Actually, I like Carla the best--she seems like she has the most personality. I'd suggest making character outlines and sprucing them up a little.

So, this seems like it could be pretty good, all things considered. Just needs some clearing up as to how it's related to the prologue, so maybe you should put something at the end, or somewhere, really, to clarify that. Also, just a few tweaks are all you need. Nice job.

Take care, and keep writing!
~Freyja

Thanks for the reviews! I think I'm going to rewrite the first and second chapter so I've deleted them for now and just left the prologue.

~Pink

It was kinda good, but i dont like the idea of antenna on his head. Also, the wings kinda sound girly and five-year-oldish. Besides that, it is VERY interesting! Keep working on it!