Young Writers Society

He: Hello, little girl, the sun has risen today with a new colorful shade.
The wind is blowing with a sweet embrace.
Little girl, will you see the beauty behind the the secret nature?

She: Yes, little prince,
the sun has risen
as my eyes have seen
the funny glow in your charming eyes.

He: So, little girl, dear girl,
will you bless me with a kiss
of your sweet cherry lips.
Will you extend your hand to this sorrowful fellow,
who stands today with his heart on his hands?

She: My sweet angel why do you cry,
why do your lips say such dreadful words?
Don't you see that this little princess has eyes only for you?
Don’t you hear my little heart beat only for you?

He: Oh, little girl, you enchant me!
You're like the soft breeze in a summer morning.
Oh, how could I not see that precious little heart?

She: So sweet my little prince,
who grants me with his laughter in this day
but how could I deserve such breathtaking smile?
How could I deserve such mesmerizing eyes?

He: Yes little missy, would you talk to me
so I could remember you?
For your voice is the most precious harmony I've ever heard.
Oh, little girl, my little girl! someday I'll see you again.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't written a poem in ages, so this is the first one.
I'm emotionally attached to this one and that's why I'm letting you all rip it apart!
lol

Hiya Pudin!

I really love this. I like how you've got it somewhat as dialogue, but in poem form. I can't say I've ever seen that before, personally. It's very sweet and heartfelt, but light. I like.

I can't find anything wrong with syntax.

I'd really just suggest that maybe you break it up a little so it's more rhythmic. Some of the lines are much longer than others, though in the second half it evens out a bit more.

Still, very good. I don't have all that much to say as far as critique.

Thanks for a great read! Take care and keep up the good work!
~Freyja

Hey! It's erm ME!

The format of the poem is very original. Like Vanadis Ive never seen it before unless you consider Shakespeare poetry which I don't. I consider it just writing....anyway I like this. Many people cannot write in that type of words like the ugh I don't know to explain this, like the Romeo, Juliette type of language but you mastered it. Nice Job!

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

Here as requested!
And boy am i glad you asked for a review, or I might have missed out on this little gem. It's quiet unique and very light hearted. I love it.

The only things i find ill fitting is that in stanza four you repeat only for you at the end of the last two lines. This kind of redundancy breaks the flow of your poem and gets boring. I say reword one of the lines to mix the wording up a bit, but it's just a suggestion.

Also, this is just my personal opinion and not something you necessarily have to change, but the use of he and she is awkward to me. I could see maybe him or her: then the dialogue, but hey that's just how I feel.

I really liked this piece. You have some awesome talent! Thanks for requesting a review have a great day,
Tiffany

Hello! It's very original how you have incorporated dialogue into your poem, and it works very well. I'm not sure I like the use of "he" and "she" but I'm not sure what else you could replace it with. Also, some lines are a little long, particularly in the first stanza. I can't find anything else wrong with this though, it's very sweet. (This site is filled with sweet poems, that must be the third time I've said that today! But it is sweet! xD)

Hi there pudin! WD here, as requested. I am a little rusty critiquing poetry, as I don't really write it anymore, but I will do my best to help you out with this! It's a very unique piece, something I have not seen nearly at all around here. You have a lovely start; I'm just going to make a few suggestions mostly rhythm and pattern-wise.

The poem is arranged as a dialogue, which makes it a bit hard to critique as normal poetry, but no worries! I'll do my best.

First, I'm going to echo what Vanadis said here about the rhythm. You haven't dabbled with rhyme here, so right now the major aspect of this piece that is making it poetic is the structure of stanzas, which bothers me right now. I think it you made this more rhythmical it would be much more engaging. Play with reading it aloud, think about what rhythms you want to dabble with and think about whether you want your rhythm steady, accelerating, slowing down. All of these devices can work towards the overall impact of your piece if you use them well, so don't be afraid to play with them, ja?

My other suggestions has to do with pattern. While you're dabbling with rhythm, I would also suggest playing with pattern. Right now this dialogue includes a lot of questions and the questions tend to be towards the end of each person's dialogue, but the irregularity of the questions bothers me, mostly because it defies my tendency to try and find the pattern and rhythm in poetry.

He: So, little girl, dear girl,
will you bless me with a kiss
of your sweet cherry lips.
Will you extend your hand to this sorrowful fellow,
who stands today with his heart on his hands?

She: My sweet angel why do you cry,
why do your lips say such dreadful words?
Don't you see that this little princess has eyes only for you?
Don’t you hear my little heart beat only for you?

He: Oh, little girl, you enchant me!
You're like the soft breeze in a summer morning.
Oh, how could I not see that precious little heart?

She: So sweet my little prince,
who grants me with his laughter in this day
but how could I deserve such breathtaking smile?
How could I deserve such mesmerizing eyes?

He: Yes little missy, would you talk to me
so I could remember you?
For your voice is the most precious harmony I've ever heard.
Oh, little girl, my little girl! someday I'll see you again.

Observe. First stanza in this part I took out has one question in two lines. Second stanza is all questions. Third stanza has one question at the end. Fourth stanza two questions. Fifth stanza you throw a curve ball with a question at the beginning and none at the end. For dialogue, this is completely fine, but the patternist poet in me is curled up in my chair at loss for the beat and pattern I strive to find! I would suggest trying to structure some of this dialogue similarly, so we get a pattern of perhaps 'statement-question' or 'statement-question-question'. Patterns like this will also help you with the rhythm. And plus, once you do get a pattern going, you get to play with it, which makes things all the more fun!

So right now I do like this! You have a nice start and this is something very different! I would just urge you to think about the ways you can play with this regarding rhythm and pattern and make use of the well of poetical devices at your disposal. You by no means have to implement any of that, but hopefully my suggestions will at least get you thinking. ^^ Nice job here! Keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

Hi, Pudin! Here by request.

I like the dialogue idea. If you wanted to carry it out more smoothly, you could have her lines in cursive, or something like that. I admit that by doing that the poem would lose some of the original idea, though. It's just a suggestion.

This is indeed a very sweet poem. Almost too sweet, if you will. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to stand the overly sugary tone and word choices, but then again, it adds to the whole fairytale theme.

I agree with others about the rhythm. Rhyming is never necessary (although it would fit in this poem, I think!) but in my opinion you need to have some sort of a rhythm. It doesn't have to be strict. Just something that will keep the poem together and make it pleasant and easy to read.

The biggest problem I had with this was the way the characters kept addressing each other. I don't think they need to do it constantly, no matter how much they're in love or such. I just find it repetitive and in the end quite dull.

Well, these are some of my general thoughts about this poem -- hopefully they gave you something to think about! It's a feel-good poem, which is always lovely


Demeter
x

Hey Pudin! Sorry this is a little late ...

So, I think that what I wanted to say was pretty much said by everyone else! It's a very sweet poem, and in a way I love the dialogue format that you've put it in. However, I do think that it tends to drag on a bit by the end. There is only so many flowery words that I can take.

One thing I would suggest, is that you try to make this more interesting. At the moment, I think it's good, but it doesn't exactly stand out as an amazing poem. I think this is because the whole thing just seems to be the same throughout; so it can never really pick itself up and wow the reader. I don't know how you'd want to do this, but it could be something that you could think about?

The rhythm is an issue too, but that's been talked about.

However, it was very sweet and you use some lovely language!

~Amy

Hey Pudin!

I thought this was really cute. It reminded me, like the others said, of a kind of Shakespeare-esque poem. I didn't really like the He She parts, but I'm not sure how you could fix that. The other reviewers pretty much got to all the points, and there's not much more I can say. It was very different, and I liked that about it. Good job, keep writing!

~Hope

Haha, cute! I like all the dialogue a lot.