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The Elemental Guardian - Chapter1



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Sat Jan 30, 2010 5:25 am
PenNPaper says...



Hi everyone, PenNPaper here, it's been quite a while since I posted a story here. This is a new one, please be honest and tell me how I can improve this piece of work.



Silence, only silence. The dead silence of the night. I crawled through the bushes, hoping to find some fruit buried underneath the soil. I dug furiously with my hands, nothing. I cursed, my hands were tired and so were my knees. I tried to stand up, I couldn’t. I had been crawling for over an hour, I was starving. I couldn’t return to the tribe without any food. They would laugh at me; say what a useless boy I am. I considered my options, I was weak from hunger, I couldn’t last more than fifteen minutes. Giving up, I decided to crawl back to camp.

I crawled back slowly, stopping only to wash my mud stained hands in the river. Then I continued. By the time I reached the tribe, everyone was already having breakfast. Everybody started at me, especially my empty hands. I clenched my fists, and walked slowly through the crowd. I almost reached my hut, only to be stopped by Hakan, one of the older boys who always picked on the small and decent boys like me. He loomed over me like a giant.

“Look, here’s Midaka, looks like you didn’t bring any food back, your family’s going to starve,” he sneered, his onion like breath almost forcing me to puke.

I looked up at him, into his dark eyes, I stared at him. I had grown sick and tired of him bullying me. If I could defeat him in a battle, my family’s power would grow.

“I challenge you to a fight,” I said, pointing a finger at him.

He burst out laughing, and then stared at me with a look of venom, instantly I knew I had made the wrong decision, I was going to be crushed.

We walked to the arena, slowly, with the whole tribe watching us. my legs were trembling, they felt the like jelly. Hakan stood proud and tall, his muscles were about the crush me.

We reached the arena, it was a huge circle, in the middle of the camp. We stood back to back, as was the common way of fighting. We turned to face each other slowly, and by that time I had lost all my courage. I glanced at my family, my mother, father, and young sister. I was the oldest child, and had a feeling I would never get to see them again.

I knew the match had started, from the moments the drums sounded, it was already too late. Ah well, I’ll just give it my best, I thought.

I bent my body sideways and charged towards Hakan, the next moment I was falling down. I got up, my eyes narrowed as I focused my gaze onto Hakan. He was still there, grinning broadly, as if he had won the whole world.

He turned to face me, and sneered. Obviously he thought it was impossible for me to win, and I wanted to prove him wrong. I got angry, my jaw tightened and I pressed my teeth together. I clenched my fists firmly as I brought them up in a pose.

Hakan looked at me in surprise, he hadn’t been expecting this, he had thought I would give up. He sneered once again, clearly to show me that he had no form of any respect for me. He flexed his muscles, getting ready to change from defence to attack. Then he ran towards me, swinging an arm behind him, getting ready to hit me with full force. He brought his hand forward, to me it was slow, I raised my hand to halt it, even though I knew it was impossible. No one had been able to match Hakan's strength.

Then something happened, as soon as he hit my palm, he stopped. He looked at me with a shocked expression, which changed to a furious one. I smiled, then let go of his hand.
“How the heck did you do that you little brat?” he snarled.

“I don’t know,” I replied, pleased with my new growth in strength.

He didn’t give up, I didn’t expect him to. He tried to kick me in the stomach, but I easily dodged. Thinking that it was time to me to retaliate, I punched him hard under his chin. He gave an oomph then fell flat to the ground. I grinned, beating up Hakan was fun.

“You little brat!” he yelled, as he got up and tried to pounce on me.

Too bad, I gripped his shirt and easily held him with my two hands. Then I tossed him away, out of the ring.

The crowd looked at me with utter amazement, we hadn’t expected the outcome to be like this.

Hakan was now back on his feet, glaring at me, his eyes ablaze.

“He cheated, he couldn’t have that much strength, it must have been black magic!” he shouted to everyone.

Everyone looked at him, then stared back at me. The crowd closed in, apparently they trusted him.

“Kill him, he is a threat, he will kill us all,” Hakan continued.

Kill me? I froze with fear. No doubt, I could handle Hakan, but the whole tribe, no way. I cursed, there was no other exit for me, unless I could charge my way out. I looked around, they were closing in on me, I panicked.

“Please, stop this,” I begged.

“Don’t listen to him, he is evil, kill him!” Hakan shouted.

“I don’t mean any harm to you, Hakan is lying, he is jealous that I defeated him,” I pleaded furiously.

“Midaka is lying, he wants to kill all of us, charge, kill him!” Hakan yelled.

Oh God, please help me, I pleaded silently to the heavens.

Then, something happened, I seemed to grow taller. I looked down at my feet, no, I was flying. I flew higher up into the sky, I couldn’t control my body though, I just went with the flow. Hakan was really furious now, swearing and trying to bring me down. The tribes people looked at me in shock, not knowing how to react.

Hakan grabbed a spear, then with a practiced aim, threw it at me. I winced, expecting to feel the pain, it never came. The spear bounced off my body as it neared. Everyone looked in amazement, I felt my body rising higher and higher. Then my body tilted to the right and the next moment I sped up. I was heading for the mountains, where it was freezing cold all year round and where there were lots of wild animals ready to pounce on you the moment they saw you. After what seemed like hours of flying high in the air I landed near the top of the mountain. My body went back to normal, and I stretched my muscles gratefully.

I looked around; there was nothing much except for snow and rocks. I walked over to the edge and peeped down. I was high up in the mountains. Just then I realized how hungry and cold I was, I cursed for being stuck up here with nothing to eat. Although I had escaped the tribes fury and wrath. I buried my hands inside my armpits and tried to find some shelter, a small hole probably, where I could rest. After that I would consider my options.
Snow started falling heavily, I was freezing. My fingers and toes had gotten frostbite. I was about to die. My teeth chattered uncontrollably, I felt myself losing consciousness and then I drifted off into sleep.

I opened my eyes sleepily, I couldn’t see anything, it was dark. I groped around, I felt myself covered in something warm. I saw in the distance a faint light, it got closer and closer. It looked like there was somebody holding that light. Male or female I didn’t know. I could vaguely make out a white beard, it must have been a man.

The person entered my view, he was an old man. He was carry some meat and a bowl.

“Eat up,” he said.

I grabbed the meat from him and ate hungrily, he set a bowl of water beside me. I quickly grabbed and poured the water down my parched and thirsty throat.

“Slowly, don’t choke,” he laughed.

It was a few minutes before I finished my meal, then I spoke.

“Thank you for rescuing me, may I know who you are?” I asked politely.

“You may call me Nazuan, I live here in the mountains, but I want to know how you got here. You see, few people make it all the way up, and even they need to be very strong,” he replied.

“I flew,” I replied, wondering if he would believe me.

“Hm. . .I see,” he said.

“You believe me?” I asked.

“Why not?”

“I mean, don’t you think I’m lying?”

“Tell me then, are you?”

“No, I’m not”

“Then I believe you on that too”

“I don’t think you get what I mean, I wasn’t flying in one of those huge birds they called planes, I was flying on my own”

“Then I believe you even more”

I stared at him dumbfounded. He caught my expression and explained.

“Magic, you have magic,” he said.

“But magic doesn’t exist,” I protested.

“Yes, it does, but only some have it. They say magic was created, by the elves. Then the elves taught others about it, slowly, more people came to know about it. That was in the past. One evil mage, he used the magic to do evil, since then the elves have not agreed to spread the knowledge of magic. Only those worthy of it would be given the power,” Nazuan explained.

I thought about it for a long while, not ready to accept the fact. Magic has always been called black magic, by our tribe. Those that practiced it were either banished or killed. I had never heard of this magic that came from the elves. Elves were said to be fake, that their magic was a curse to us. I had been warned not to deal with magic. Now I realized that there were two types of magic, one good and one bad.

“Do you magic?” I asked.

“Yes, I do, and I have some news for you,” he replied.

“What is it?” I asked.

“You need to undergo the test, but before that you have to train”

I asked him to explain.

He told me that once magic was discovered in somebody, they were separated away from the normal people. They were trained by the elves and then had to be tested. If they failed the test, they would undergo the training again. There were people called the Helpers, like Nazuan, who would guide the trainees through their training. After they passed the test, they would be presented to the Chooser, who would pick one of them as the champion. The rest who were not chosen would assist the chosen one in his or her quest.

At that point I asked, “What quest?”

“It is one that you will know once if you are chosen or have passed the test,” Nazuan replied. “Now, you will have to go and enter the world of magic”

He led me to the back of the cave, there was a gate which was locked. He handed the candle over to me and conjured a staff out of nowhere. He asked me to put the candle at the front of the gate.

He started to chant, “Frumar, Honlo, Rousvan, Jan!”

The candle went out, then burst into a green flame. He picked up the candle again, and lighted the lock. Slowly, the lock melted, and the door opened. Light entered and I was blinded for a moment, then the light dimmed, and there was darkness.

“Step through the door, I will follow behind,” Nazuan instructed.

“Must I go first?” I asked, I was scared of going alone.

He nodded, his face green in the light. I summed up my courage and slowly took a step towards the door, and another. I stood before the darkness, willing myself to step in. I took a deep breath, made my decision and went through.
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Sat Jan 30, 2010 7:16 pm
Apollo says...



Loved the story. Write more of it!
Here's a little edit of the story.

Silence, only silence. The dead silence of the night. I crawled through the bushes, hoping to find some fruit buried underneath the soil. I dug furiously with my hands, nothing. I cursed, my hands were tired and so were my knees. I tried to stand up, but couldn’t. I had been crawling for over an hour, I was starving. I couldn’t return to the tribe without any food. They would laugh at me; say what a useless boy I am. I considered my options, I was weak from hunger, I couldn’t last more than fifteen minutes. Giving up, I decided to crawl back to camp.



I crawled back slowly, stopping only to wash my mud-stained hands in the river. Then I continued. By the time I reached the tribe, everyone was already having breakfast. Everybody started at me, especially my empty hands. I clenched my fists, and walked slowly through the crowd. I almost reached my hut, only to be stopped by Hakan, one of the older boys who always picked on the small and decent boys like me. He loomed over me like a giant.



“Look, here’s Midaka, looks like you didn’t bring any food back, your family’s going to starve,” he sneered, his onion-like breath almost forcing me to puke.



I looked up at him, into his dark eyes, I stared at him. I had grown sick and tired of him bullying me. If I could defeat him in a battle, my family’s power would grow.



“I challenge you to a fight,” I said, pointing a finger at him.



He burst out laughing, and then stared at me with a look of venom, instantly I knew I had made the wrong decision, I was going to be crushed.



We walked to the arena, slowly, with the whole tribe watching us. my legs were trembling, they felt the like jelly. Hakan stood proud and tall, his muscles were about the crush me.



We reached the arena, it was a huge circle, in the middle of the camp. We stood back to back, as was the common way of fighting. We turned to face each other slowly, and by that time I had lost all my courage. I glanced at my family, my mother, father, and young sister. I was the oldest child, and had a feeling I would never get to see them again.



I knew the match had started, from the moments the drums sounded, it was already too late. Ah well, I’ll just give it my best, I thought.



I bent my body sideways and charged towards Hakan, the next moment I was falling down. I got up, my eyes narrowed as I focused my gaze onto Hakan. He was still there, grinning broadly, as if he had won the whole world.



He turned to face me, and sneered. Obviously he thought it was impossible for me to win, and I wanted to prove him wrong. I got angry, my jaw tightened and I pressed my teeth together. I clenched my fists firmly as I brought them up in a pose.



Hakan looked at me in surprise, he hadn’t been expecting this, he had thought I would give up. He sneered once again, clearly to show me that he had no form of any respect for me. He flexed his muscles, getting ready to change from defence to attack. Then he ran towards me, swinging an arm behind him, getting ready to hit me with full force. He brought his hand forward, to me it was slow, I raised my hand to halt it, even though I knew it was impossible. No one had been able to match Hakan's strength.



Then something happened, as soon as he hit my palm, he stopped. He looked at me with a shocked expression, which changed to a furious one. I smiled, then let go of his hand.

“How the heck did you do that you little brat?” he snarled.



“I don’t know,” I replied, pleased with my new growth in strength.



He didn’t give up, I didn’t expect him to. He tried to kick me in the stomach, but I easily dodged. Thinking that it was time to me to retaliate, I punched him hard under his chin. He gave an oomph then fell flat to the ground. I grinned, beating up Hakan was fun.



“You little brat!” he yelled, as he got up and tried to pounce on me.



Too bad, I gripped his shirt and easily held him with my two hands. Then I tossed him away, out of the ring.



The crowd looked at me with utter amazement, we hadn’t expected the outcome to be like this.



Hakan was now back on his feet, glaring at me, his eyes ablaze.



“He cheated, he couldn’t have that much strength, it must have been black magic!” he shouted to everyone.



Everyone looked at him, then stared back at me. The crowd closed in, apparently they trusted him.



“Kill him, he is a threat, he will kill us all,” Hakan continued.



Kill me? I froze with fear. No doubt, I could handle Hakan, but the whole tribe, no way. I cursed, there was no other exit for me, unless I could charge my way out. I looked around, they were closing in on me, I panicked.



“Please, stop this,” I begged.



“Don’t listen to him, he is evil, kill him!” Hakan shouted.



“I don’t mean any harm to you, Hakan is lying, he is jealous that I defeated him,” I pleaded furiously.



“Midaka is lying, he wants to kill all of us, charge, kill him!” Hakan yelled.



Oh God, please help me, I pleaded silently to the heavens.



Then, something happened, I seemed to grow taller. I looked down at my feet, no, I was flying. I flew higher up into the sky, I couldn’t control my body though, I just went with the flow. Hakan was really furious now, swearing and trying to bring me down. The tribes people looked at me in shock, not knowing how to react.



Hakan grabbed a spear, then with a practiced aim, threw it at me. I winced, expecting to feel the pain, it never came. The spear bounced off my body as it neared. Everyone looked in amazement, I felt my body rising higher and higher. Then my body tilted to the right and the next moment I sped up. I was heading for the mountains, where it was freezing cold all year round and where there were lots of wild animals ready to pounce on you the moment they saw you. After what seemed like hours of flying high in the air I landed near the top of the mountain. My body went back to normal, and I stretched my muscles gratefully.



I looked around; there was nothing much except for snow and rocks. I walked over to the edge and peeped down. I was high up in the mountains. Just then I realized how hungry and cold I was, I cursed for being stuck up here with nothing to eat. Although I had escaped the tribes fury and wrath. I buried my hands inside my armpits and tried to find some shelter, a small hole probably, where I could rest. After that I would consider my options.

Snow started falling heavily, I was freezing. My fingers and toes had gotten frostbite. I was about to die. My teeth chattered uncontrollably, I felt myself losing consciousness and then I drifted off into sleep.



I opened my eyes sleepily, I couldn’t see anything, it was dark. I groped around, I felt myself covered in something warm. I saw in the distance a faint light, it got closer and closer. It looked like there was somebody holding that light. Male or female I didn’t know. I could vaguely make out a white beard, it must have been a man.



The person entered my view, he was an old man. He was carry some meat and a bowl.



“Eat up,” he said.



I grabbed the meat from him and ate hungrily, he set a bowl of water beside me. I quickly grabbed and poured the water down my parched and thirsty throat.



“Slowly, don’t choke,” he laughed.



It was a few minutes before I finished my meal, then I spoke.



“Thank you for rescuing me, may I know who you are?” I asked politely.



“You may call me Nazuan, I live here in the mountains, but I want to know how you got here. You see, few people make it all the way up, and even they need to be very strong,” he replied.



“I flew,” I replied, wondering if he would believe me.



“Hm. . .I see,” he said.



“You believe me?” I asked.



“Why not?”



“I mean, don’t you think I’m lying?”



“Tell me then, are you?”



“No, I’m not”



“Then I believe you on that too”



“I don’t think you get what I mean, I wasn’t flying in one of those huge birds they called planes, I was flying on my own”



“Then I believe you even more”



I stared at him dumbfounded. He caught my expression and explained.



“Magic, you have magic,” he said.



“But magic doesn’t exist,” I protested.



“Yes, it does, but only some have it. They say magic was created, by the elves. Then the elves taught others about it, slowly, more people came to know about it. That was in the past. One evil mage, he used the magic to do evil, since then the elves have not agreed to spread the knowledge of magic. Only those worthy of it would be given the power,” Nazuan explained.



I thought about it for a long while, not ready to accept the fact. Magic has always been called black magic, by our tribe. Those that practiced it were either banished or killed. I had never heard of this magic that came from the elves. Elves were said to be fake, that their magic was a curse to us. I had been warned not to deal with magic. Now I realized that there were two types of magic, one good and one bad.



“Do you magic?” I asked.



“Yes, I do, and I have some news for you,” he replied.



“What is it?” I asked.



“You need to undergo the test, but before that you have to train”



I asked him to explain.



He told me that once magic was discovered in somebody, they were separated away from the normal people. They were trained by the elves and then had to be tested. If they failed the test, they would undergo the training again. There were people called the Helpers, like Nazuan, who would guide the trainees through their training. After they passed the test, they would be presented to the Chooser, who would pick one of them as the champion. The rest who were not chosen would assist the chosen one in his or her quest.



At that point I asked, “What quest?”



“It is one that you will know once if you are chosen or have passed the test,” Nazuan replied. “Now, you will have to go and enter the world of magic”



He led me to the back of the cave, there was a gate which was locked. He handed the candle over to me and conjured a staff out of nowhere. He asked me to put the candle at the front of the gate.



He started to chant, “Frumar, Honlo, Rousvan, Jan!”



The candle went out, then burst into a green flame. He picked up the candle again, and lighted the lock. Slowly, the lock melted, and the door opened. Light entered and I was blinded for a moment, then the light dimmed, and there was darkness.



“Step through the door, I will follow behind,” Nazuan instructed.



“Must I go first?” I asked, I was scared of going alone.



He nodded, his face green in the light. I summed up my courage and slowly took a step towards the door, and another. I stood before the darkness, willing myself to step in. I took a deep breath, made my decision and went through.



Most of the changes were to the first part. What really hooked me was the beginning. It was great! The phrase gives you a sense of questioning, making you think, "What next?" Just great! Keep writing!
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"You'll live."
"Until I die."
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Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:00 pm
ArcticMonkey says...



Hello,
I enjoyed this piece very much. Madika is really cool, you explained his characteristics nicely. Although, I hope in your next chapters, you write more about him. I know it's hard to talk about someone directly when you're in first person.
I knew the match had started, from the moments the drums sounded, it was already too late. Ah well, I’ll just give it my best, I thought.

This paragraph is very small but effective, well done!
Ok, so when Hakan and Midaka (cool names!) I think there maybe should be a little more fighting before Hakan says that he's doing black magic. Just a suggestion, you don't have to take it! =)
Everything else is top-notch! I love you cliff-hanger ending, and I most certainly will read the next chapter.
Anyway well done!
-tam_ara
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Sun Jan 31, 2010 12:52 am
giantslenate09 says...



The person entered my view, he was an old man. He was carry some meat and a bowl.

Do you mean "He was carrying some meat and a bowl (of water).

. I quickly grabbed and poured the water down my parched and thirsty throat.
Parched and thirsty are the same thing. one will do.
“Slowly, don’t choke,” he laughed.



It was a few minutes before I finished my meal, then I spoke.



“Thank you for rescuing me, may I know who you are?” I asked politely.

Add something after I said he said ect. it bores the reader when you constantly say that. Like "I really enjoy this pizza" I said as i took another bite into the pizza.
"Why are you doing this to me!" i said clinching my fists feeling the blood flow throughout my body.

“Do you magic?” I asked
"Do you use magic" I asked in astonishment.

I enjoyed reading the book. Tell me when the next chapter comes out.
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Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:27 am
Hippie says...



Happy reviewing Sunday :D

I'm afraid this piece has fallen into a major cliche pit, and also has some pacing and credibility issues. These will need to be worked out or you'll end up with Eragon on steroids (which is better than Eragon without steroids. At least it would be over quicker).

Firstly, the premise of discovering a hidden magic in dire circumstances has been used in Eragon, and if it's been used in Eragon, you can be sure it's been used in plenty of other places as well.

Elves? Please, they've already been used. Why does every fantasy have to have its obligatory elves, dwarves, stones of power, swords of destiny and other magical talismans. What happened to originality? My main quarrel with a lot of fantasy is that people writing it seldom think outside the box. True, there are conventions that should be adhered to, but that doesn't mean they all have to be cut from a template.

Member of the month, Karsten has a blog, The University of Fantasy which you, or any other fantasy writer here would do well to subscribe to via RSS. She knows her stuff. Also, there's a user group, Fantasy Fools which might be of interest. Be careful though, because it can also be a haven for cliched fantasy.

The pace was too fast. Slow down and show some emotions. Describe the village, the forest, the mountains. Create an atmosphere suitable for the situation. You'd want to build up some suspense which means a much slower buildup. I'd reccomend you start earlier so we can see why Hakan is such a problem. Why is he so bad that Midaka is going to challenge him even though his chances are slim?

Personally I'd find it more satisfying if you show Hakan being a bully earlier. Then make this instance the straw that broke the camel's back. Midaka could win by cheating rather than (author intervention) randomly discovering he's magic. Perhaps he takes a weapon into the fight. Perhaps he kills Hakan accidentally (or even on purpose) and has to flee the village. Or maybe the old man magics him away at that point. Maybe then you could add a theme of redemption. You don't have to use these ideas, I'm just tossing them up to get you thinking outside the square (which is very crowded, particularly for this genre).

I tried to stand up, I couldn’t. I had been crawling for over an hour, I was starving. I couldn’t return to the tribe without any food. They would laugh at me; say what a useless boy I am. I considered my options, I was weak from hunger, I couldn’t last more than fifteen minutes. Giving up, I decided to crawl back to camp.

If he's that weak that he's only got fifteen minutes left and can't stand, I doubt he'd care much about his pride, let alone be able to fight Hakan when he gets back.

The person entered my view, he was an old man. He was carry some meat and a bowl.

“Eat up,” he said.

Eat up? What about his frostbite? I think amputation would be higher on the priority list than eating. And when someone hasn't eaten or drank for a long time they can't just start wolfing stuff down or they'll vomit. The man doesn't seem very bothered by the fact that he was lying unconscious in the snow a moment before, almost dead. No "are you alright" or "thank god" or such. Doesn't bother to check for symptoms of hypothermia. This man doesn't seem very smart.

These credibility issues are of little consequence if you change the story drastically, which will be almost inevitable if you want to shake off those cliches - trust me, you want to do that if you want any hope of being published.

Rather than think I'll write a fantasy. What's in a fantasy? Think, I'll write a fantasy, what's not in a fantasy yet.

Have a nice day 8)
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Sun Jan 31, 2010 4:34 pm
AquaMarine says...



Hey there!

I wasn't such a fan of this story. Fantasy is always a great route to go down, but you need to watch out for pitfalls on the way.
I think Hippie picked up on some great points, so you'd do very well to listen to him.

What I would like to point out to you is the transition and the speed of your writing. In one chapter you've made your MC, who we haven't met before: challenge someone to a fight, discover hidden magic, fly up a mountain, discovered someone who can tell him about the magic, and stepped through a magic door to undergo training or a quest of some sort. Now, to me, that seems like a bit too much information for a first chapter, no? Stretch your wings a little in this. You need space to write a story, so don't cramp it all up and overload the reader with information. If this is the pace that your story will continue to go, I would expect it to be over by chapter three.

So, maybe a little rewrite is in order? I'd be happy to review anything else you come up with, and do PM me with questions!

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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Tue Feb 02, 2010 5:46 am
BondGirl007 says...



Hey Pen, well there's not much I can say here, Hippie got to it first, and I agree with most of the things he said. What I suggest is slow down, don't try and shove all the information into our brains. Space it out, it lets us get to know and like the characters better. Edit it a little ;). Keep writing.

~Hope
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Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:41 pm
Moriah Leila says...



Okay, not to sound redundant but Hippie is absolutely correct. Your story is very rushed and there seems to be a lot more telling than showing. We as your readers need a lot more emotion in order for us to connect to your character.

Where are his parents throughout this whole ordeal? Why do we hear little to nothing about his family? If he doesn't have any family, fine, but orphans in fantasy stories are so cliched. Also, why are all old, mysterious hermits male? Ever consider making your mysterious savior a female? That would help you break out of one of the fantasy cliches.

Regardless, I would suggest you read this article on showing versus telling and I'd also suggest that you slow down. Build suspense, don't overload your readers with too much new information all at once. Let us savor the boy's unexplained magical powers before you tell us everything about his powers and his "quest".

Hopefully this helped, and I apologize for the brevity. If you have any questions feel free to PM me. Keep writing! :D
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Mon Feb 08, 2010 6:56 pm
midnightread says...



Hi PenNPaper,
I like the post.
I think the way you start it off, with the mc searching for something to eat makes the story feel more real. I also like the way that you show Midaka is a bit weak and gets picked on by the village bully.
The way you have written this has got me hooked so I have to ask you to pm me please when you post more.
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.
  








It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela