Extract from the "Preface".
Earth & its Contents
THE DICTIONARY
Note: Contains Mildly Strong Language
(Okay, before you go, “Oh dear, why on earth would I want to read a dictionary?” let me explain that this is basically another column, based on what I think of ‘stuff.’ – Enjoy.)
Apple:- Technically an apple is a piece of British fruit. If you’re not familiar with fruit may I suggest the following book: “Gillian McKeith’s You are what you eat” or “Bobby-lee Jones’ Diets For Dummies.” Other than it being fruit, it is also a context over-used by the surreal artist, Rene Magritte. If you haven’t heard of him it’s because he didn’t lose an ear or have a painting starred in “The Thomas Crown Affair.”
The Aussies:- Beautiful people, except when we play them at cricket. Then they’re suddenly all devils. The only problem with the Australians is the accent. Like a comedian once mentioned, they’re annoying and there is a firm uncertainty about everything they say. They make everything sound like a question. ‘nough said?
The British:- The kind of people who moan too much and yet still insist on queuing up for just about everything. They once had a little organization called the “British Empire”, however after the 1st World War, it all went ‘tits-up.’ The one positive thing about British people is the comedy. Our “Barmy Army” go to rugby games in Australia and whilst the Aussies chant, “You suck, we own” or something highly un-original, us British have an urge to chant the exchange rate and begin a sing-song of, “We get three dollars to the pound, yeah, we get three dollars to the pound!”
Cricket:- Cricket is a sport consisting of eleven Oxford-graduated playboys and eleven other dull people. It consists of a cricket ball and a plank of wood; generally labelled with a make or sponsor. Apparently, you have to hit the ball over a bit of rope and then someone from the Norwich Institute for Deprived Women will place a score of “runs” on a blackboard and the “Barmy Army” will cheer about it. Whoever has the most runs at the end wins a trophy marked, “Dullest bunch of arseholes.”
Doughnut:- A piece of dough, glazed in a kilogram of sugar and most likely funded by the Cuban drugs cartel. Sometimes these cost 65p, but when a bastard in corporate decides differently, you can save a total of 21p! I’d say ‘yay’ but I don’t want to waste my breath.
George Bush:- A puppet sold at most retailers.
The Guardian:- A newspaper consisting of few good articles. The primary aim of The Guardian is to convince everyone that it was edited by chipmunks and written by highly sarcastic "celebrities."
Football:- This is a game. It’s known to the Yanks, however, as “soccer.” The most annoying thing about football is the players. They earn about one million quid for every three steps they take during a game and that’s wonderfully stupid. The most irritating thing about it is when they get a kick in the shins, they dive to the floor, grip their knees, cry like they’re 6 months old and then moan about the opposing fans shouting “pussy” at them. Now, I don’t know about you, but for 80 million quid, I’d happily take a kick in the shins and the language abuse, but they can’t. All I can really say definition wise is: These idiots need to grow up and play a real game, like Rugby.
Russia:- (See "Big scary country over the otherside of the world, that used to be called the USSR but then something went pear-shaped, so now they're called Russia; what a L-O-L moment.")
- Dictionary Part 1, written in December 09.
Although sadly it's not what it used to be! 
You don't get much more British than a subjective view of your own country, and to be able to laugh at yourself! 
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