Young Writers Society

Note: Minor reference to strong language.

Earth and its Contents
(Another extract from my column-based book)

Could it be more ridiculous?

Whilst having a most riveting walk through the supermarket, Sainsburys, I soon discovered that the cost of a pack of five Brambley apple doughnuts was just 44p. Having pondered on the thought of it, I decided to buy them. Yet, I vividly remember having said to myself, “Last week, these were 65p.” So, the deal was 21p off. Could it be more ridiculous?
Clearly some corporate junkie in an office has decided that reducing a pack of doughy sugar by 21p is going to get the market crawling for Brambley apple doughnuts and the annoying thing about this bastard is that he’s right. By sticking up a little label in front of these boxed ‘delights’ reading, “Was 65p, now only 44p”, idiots such as myself have been drawn into the illusion that such an offer was good; resulting in me buying a pack of doughnuts I’d have never bought if the deal wasn’t there.
This is probably why that bastard’s in corporate and I’m in school, buying doughnuts at the weekend to munch over, whilst reading a stupidly devised revision guide for GCSE Physics with my mates.
Anyway, my point is if that sign had read, “21p off doughnuts,” I might’ve reconsidered such a purchase. However, in all honesty, probably still bought them. So, you may be thinking, what on earth could I possibly have to moan about? I mean, every penny counts, right?
No, it doesn’t.
Pennies are silly and so are doughnuts. 21p in the long term would only end up in my blazer pocket so I could purchase a pen off of my French teacher in order to copy down lines in a foreign language in an effort to “learn.” Instead, I’ve spent 44p on something I don’t even particularly enjoy, nor have the most favourable outlook of.
You see, let me explain to you the noun that is “doughnut.” In the E&iC dictionary, it clearly states that a doughnut is a piece of dough cooked poorly enough to go out-of-date on the same day its purchased, stuffed with fillings that nobody can be sure are fillings and then covered in a kilogram of white sugar, probably funded by a drugs cartel in Cuba.
That’s the first problem with this ridiculous fandango. I’ve wasted 44p on crap and ended up with pennies that are soon-to-be consumed by my French teacher. The second problem is far more serious.
Not only was I sitting and reading a disaster of a revision guide with illustrations drawn by Matt Damon on steroids, but also when I came to eat the first bite of my Brambley apple doughnut I was greeted by the most unusual of Brambley apples. It was custard. So, whilst that corporate junkie from earlier had driven effort into selling a weekend’s worth of Cuban funded sugar-dough, some drunk baker had put the eggy-like, lumpy cream filling – that idiots call ‘doughnut custard’ – in MY Brambley apple! Upon discovering this, I was furious.
There was only one thing I could possibly do to combat my rage. I took to eating two of these custard doughnuts and making sure my mates finished up the other three, before writing a stiff complaint to Mr. Sainsburys for being such an arse.
No, I’m not over-reacting.
Before clicking send, however, I decided to rethink my argument and came to the unusual decision that I’d let this go. I mean, I don’t particularly dislike that eggy excuse for a filling and I wasn’t exactly too bothered about apples, besides I had eaten them all with a little help from my friends and pocketed 21p off. I guess in a way it wasn’t ridiculous.
But you see, I was wrong.
After discussing whether or not the new episode of Mock the Week would be any good without the legend appearances of Frankie Boyle, my friends left to return home and eat dinner. This was time I packed away the silly revision guide and considered the thought of revising biology, before dismissing the idea completely after about half a millisecond. Then, there it was.
The box.
I picked it up and cursed at the idea that I’d been riddled for 44p and almost had to waste my time e-mailing someone who probably didn’t even exist in the hope that I’d be repaid. It was at this moment that I realised I was wrong.
There, on the side of this box was a slightly paler coloured patch and on it was a date. It read 06/01/2010. Today was the 9th.
Corporate bastards.

- January 9th 2010.


I thought I'd post you another one since feedback was mainly positive for the other two.

I'm not sure if this was supposed to be a funny piece or not, but I must tell you that it made my day. I really did laugh in the midst of reading. It was so dryly insightful, which is my favorite kind of humor. I loved that. You're writing reminds me of something that you would find in a newspaper colomn. You should definately stick with this form. It's different and that's what I loved about it.

That was funny. Funny in a way where I didn't laugh, but if someone asked me (like you) if it was funny I would have paused in reflection for a moment before saying 'yep,' while giggling a bit in reflection. Like Napoleon Dynamite, a movie you've definitely never watched. But still funny. You get my point. I'm a bit torn on this piece. You write like Joseph Heller, who wrote my favorite book. You write a bit like I do, for my essays actually. But I can't say I like this. Your battle for finding a justification for hating yourself for buying donuts leaves me a bit confused and definitely winded. I love how you pitch your hate and continued love of commercialism together. This was quite funny, admittedly, or had the potential. This line was the best one in your article.

I took to eating two of these custard doughnuts and making sure my mates finished up the other three, before writing a stiff complaint to Mr. Sainsburys for being such an arse.

So the core is good, but its a bit buried. First, it's very British. That's not a problem, but as an American I have a preset disposition to hate the British. But ditch some of the obscurer cultural references.

Second, don't bog it down with your 'revision guide' or whatever the heck you and your mates are doing. Not only do I neither know what you are talking about or care, it just makes your main point more effective.

The whole thing is kind of confusing, really. I don't know- with other pieces, you get the general idea of what the heck is happening when you read it through once, but I have to keep going back to this, reading it over and over. Someone can be more eloquent than me on that topic, though.

But all in all, I guess I don't like this piece as much as it deserves because, like after eating a donut, I feel empty inside. I feel like I'm missing some meaning. I need to think about it more, but nothing is jumping out at me. It just seems to be funny. And not a whole lot else.

Seriously though, great work. I'm straining to criticize it. I'll definitely try to read your other works- you've done well piquing my interest.

@mollytate : Yes it was meant to be funny and column based! I'm glad you found it a good laugh and it made your day! Woohoo! Anyway, thankyou for the positive feedback.

@Critiq : I know exactly where you're coming from. With column writing, the style varies from argument to argument and its really difficult to hit that perfection that everybody enjoys. I think this is a 'marmite' piece, you're either going to love it or hate it, depending on how seriously you take it.
Anyway, I definately see what you mean. Thankyou for the suggestions and honest feedback!

Thanks for the reviews, guys!
Ben.

Yet again Ben, a piece of wonderful comic wit from you.

I loved the ending, it was genius!

It seemed to drag on a bit in places though, specifically with the middle, which you might want to take a look at. Also, just as a possible suggestion, maybe you could incorporate more insights (deeper ones) into British society. I know you already do this to a degree, and the comedy is wonderfully British (It reminds me of the time I ate a rock solid jacket potatoe, complained and then got my money back! ) but I would like to see a bit more meaningful insights if you know what I mean, these pieces seem to just scrape the surface.

But anyway, that's just a suggestion for where to possibly take things afterwards. The point is, I loved this, and can't really find fault with it apart from maybe a few pedantic nitpicks which aren't worth mentioning.

Keep up the good work,
- JSPike

Hey Ben!

Well, I have to say that I think I enjoyed this more than your last one. You managed to hit on a topic that made for a very entertaining read.

Whilst having a most riveting walk through the supermarket, Sainsburys, I soon discovered that the cost of a pack of five Brambley apple doughnuts was just 44p. Having pondered on the thought of it, I decided to buy them. Yet, I vividly remember having said to myself, “Last week, these were 65p.” So, the deal was 21p off. Could it be more ridiculous?

Thing is, you don't want to head straight into your rant about it being ridiculous so quickly. Maybe it would have more of an effect if the writing represented the way people thought about it? (Bear with me here, hopefully this will make sense). Basically, before you say 'could it be more ridiculous', there hasn't really been any explanation as to why it's ridiculous. So, surely it might be a better way to write it if you explain and THEN jump to the main point of your argument which is basically the ridiculousness. See what I mean? \ramble

No, I’m not over-reacting.
Before clicking send, however, I decided to rethink my argument and came to the unusual decision that I’d let this go. I mean, I don’t particularly dislike that eggy excuse for a filling and I wasn’t exactly too bothered about apples, besides I had eaten them all with a little help from my friends and pocketed 21p off. I guess in a way it wasn’t ridiculous

.
So ... you weren't overreacting, but then you realised that you could let it go? Feels like a contradiction.

After discussing whether or not the new episode of Mock the Week would be any good without the legend appearances of Frankie Boyle

*sobs*

Today was the 9th.

Er, tense mix up, there?

So, overall I really enjoyed it. You have a lovely writing style, and this actually seems a lot tighter than the one you posted before. I really enjoyed the Britishness of the whole thing, although I guess that won't appeal to the inordinate number of Americans on YWS. I would definitely agree on the point of it being a little bogged down; you want to keep it simpler so that your point is driven home more. Also, along the same lines, make sure that you don't go off track too much. That just makes it confusing and less powerful.

Nice one!

~Amy

Hey!

@JSPike : Thanks so much for the positive feedback and I can see what your saying, there is a bit of 'blah blah' in the middle, so I'll get onto editing it! Glad you found it humourus

@Amy : I know. I was really picky about the start because everytime I knew it didn't read right, it felt too rushed. I'm going to edit this right away. As for the contradiction, it'll probably easily be fixed with a little more elaboration on my part. Anyway glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks guys!

Nice job! I've liked everything of yours that I've read, and this was definitely up to par.You're quite funny, and you made me laugh. I think Aqua caught all the little nitpicks I had. I'll just compliment you, then, on another great piece. I espacially loved your paragraph about Cuban-funded sugar dough. Ah. Life. Keep writing, you're awesome!

--Dreamy115

Thankyou!
Ben.

Can I be brutally honest? While the humor is there, I felt like this was a long drawn-out rant over something incredibly petty. Seriously? You just used 774 words to tell us about an unsatisfactory experience with a package of doughnuts? I can see that you were trying to be funny and at times I did find myself smiling, but overall it just sounded like one of my girlfriends whining about something I really don't care about. I'm just being honest.

Thanks for the feedback Moriah

This is probably why that bastard’s in corporate and I’m in school, buying doughnuts at the weekend to munch over, whilst reading a stupidly devised revision guide for GCSE Physics with my mates.

Hm, your working on Physics at such a young age while most kids my age are dying because of Physics. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Or.. am I?

Nah, I am.

But, seriously?

Yes, the doughnut thing does sound quite strange, but I do agree that putting a flashy little sticker on a product draws us consumers like mosquitoes to a pool of blood. Hm, what a bizarre metaphor.

Haha

Very funny, yet also ironically true!

Haha, this is great. There's nothing bad I can really say. I have a couple nitpicks, nothing to serious, you might not even want to change them.

1) You use the world "whilst" twice in the first couple paragraphs. I understand that you are British, so do you use that word more over there? In America, that word is awkward and not really used. Being an American, I feel that this word was used too much. But since its only two times, you might not care.


2) Later in the piece, you say that you are complaining to "Mr. Sainsburys," or that you think you should. Since the market is called "Sainsburys," would the guy's name be spelled like "Mr. Sainsbury" instead?

Again, just minor details. This was very enjoyable, nice work!