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Adventures of a Traveller: A Dark World Chapter One



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Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:37 pm
Lane Render says...



Adventures of a Traveler
A Dark World

Chapter One
Waking Up to a Nightmare
Draft Two

When I first woke up, I didn’t realize I was awake. I thought I was having a nightmare. It was dark, night, but there was no moon and the stars seemed to cast a faint but gruesome bloody red on the black and twisted world. The streets and buildings looked like something straight out of some horrific cartoon, dark and menacing yet curiously shaped and somewhat ridiculous. It was strange how frightening that could be. On one side of me were houses with wrought iron gates that twisted darkly, they large houses behind them looked like the type that would be haunted. They almost looked as though they had been pulled straight out of some nightmarish animation. There were stone walls around each house. On the other side, it was like an old city, with brick buildings close together, some touching, with no alley between. But it was like nothing you would see normally. The stone edging around both the doors and windows was in a menacing design and on the rooftops it looked as though there were gargoyles. With only the glowing red light of the strange stars, I couldn’t quite make them out.

Slowly, as the shock of finding myself lying on the hard ground in a place I didn’t recognize, a very intimidating place that I didn’t recognize, I began to realize what was happening. This wasn’t a dream, a nightmare, rather, but a Trip. Figuring that out, I did a quick status check. Everything seemed to be in order… all body parts were intact and functioning, if somewhat sore, my bag was with me, and my travelling clothes were still on my body, no more worn than usual. Waking up in another world was strange of course, but this one was definitely jarring.

A hand went to my shoulder and I instantly spun around, eyes widening. In front of my was a boy in dark clothes, like the buildings, exaggerated in a cartoonish way. He had blue shaggy hair that fell in his eyes but spiked up in back like someone out of a shoujo anime (yes, when I was in my own world I did in fact watch that crap.) He wore dark leather pants with an irrational amount of chains and zippers on them. Poking out from underneath them were large black combat boots with a metal toe visible. He was wearing a dark blue shirt with black stitches running up one side and over it all he was wearing a black trench coat that waved out behind him unnaturally. A silver sword hung at his waist, and there was a black leather strap going across his chest, whatever object attached to hit hidden by his coat. His eyes were a deep blue as the bore into mine and he growled with a smooth voice that could be sweet if he weren’t growling, “What the hell are you doing out?”

A shadow cast out from behind the edge of a building, on the side that looked more like a city, and he grabbed my arm, dragging me behind one of the stone walls that surrounded the houses on the other side of me. He covered my mouth before any sound could escape. I heard footsteps coming closer and I saw a shadow shrewdly dancing ever so near, but soon the footsteps, which though slow themselves made my heart pound faster, receded as did the menacing shadow.

The boy sighed. “God, girl, don’t you pay attention to what they do to the hymids out after curfew. At least the ones that survive?”

“Hymids?” I asked questioningly but he was already speaking again. “Honestly, why the hell would you be out? Especially when it’s a Black Moon night?” I didn’t even get my question out this time, as he was pulling me down an alley way. I tried to keep up, but he ran too fast. I was barely able to stay behind him, and I knew that though I was running full out, his pace wasn’t difficult for him to keep. And the eerie quiet of it… he was like a ghost, making no noise as he sprinted in the darkness.

“Could you possibly be any louder?” he grumbled suddenly stopping. “Let me guess, you’re not a Night Stalker?” he said sarcastically. He suddenly scooped me up off my feet, a squeak escaping my mouth. He groaned, “Can’t you make this easier? It’s obvious you don’t get this, so just be quiet until I can explain it.”

I nodded once.

“Now hang on tight.”

And he jumped. High. My arms tightened around his neck as he pushed off the wall of one building, landing on the roof of another.

“That is not normal,” I breathed.

He laughed quietly. “It is for a Night Stalker. Where do you live?”

“That’s complicated. In short, nowhere you can bring me.”

“Great. That’s just great.” He sighed. “There’s no way around it, you’re coming to my house.”

He began jumping more. I don’t know how long it went on, probably a shorter amount of time than it seemed from my position. Eventually he tossed me in a window of a crooked stone house into a dark room. I landed on something soft. I pushed up off the thing I had face planted on and turned to see him climbing in the window after me, locking it behind him.

“Thank God we made it back,” he sighed in relief, falling back onto the soft thing I had fallen onto, or rather been thrown into, a hand covering half his face and his eyes closed. I realized I was sitting on a bed. I jumped to my feet immediately. One of his eyes opened and I barely saw his eyebrow raise in the darkness of his room. He chuckled and sat up. “Alright, girl, explain yourself.”

“You’re the one who scooped me up then tossed me on your bed,” I grumbled.

“You have no idea of the alternative… you should know, but you obviously don’t.”

I sighed and leaned against the wall. “It’s sort of bizarre sounding.”

“I’m sure I can handle it.” He sat up, smirking at me.

“I am from a different world where things are completely different,” I told him, figuring it was best to just get it out in the air.

“What do you mean a different world?”

“I mean that we use different words for some things, our buildings look different, our clothes look different, our sky even looks different. Our laws are different, both the laws of nature and the laws people put in place. Sometimes, I fall asleep in that place and wake up somewhere completely different like here.”

He looked incredulous. “I’m supposed to believe that?”

“Yes,” I told him, “because I bet a lot of the things you’re going to tell me will seem complexly crazy to me. In fact, even you seem extremely strange. People from my world don’t have blue hair and no one dresses like that.”

“Don’t be rude.” Was he pouting?

I tried not to laugh. “So why don’t you try to explain some of this to me, since you seem so disgruntled with the way you act.”

He sighed. “Alright. This city is dark, the days only about six hours long and everyone has to be inside by sunset. When the sun sets the Shadows come out.” His eyes hardened and his expression turned dark. “Shadows are dark creatures that will rip you apart while destroying your mind with every last horrible picture hidden in your subconscious and while you’re still alive, but just barely and bleeding terribly, they rip your soul out, an extremely painful thing to experience, and then they eat it. Don’t give me that look,” he added as I’m sure I was looking at him quite disgustedly, “I’m just telling you the facts.”

“Right well, continue then,” I told him.

“There are people, like me, called Night Stalkers, that are born with an ability to run faster, jump higher, and hit harder. We are trained by the Town to kill the Shadows that come into town. We are also ordered to catch anyone our after curfew and hand them over to the Town.”

“Then why’d you bring me here? If you’re one of these Night Stalkers then aren’t you supposed to hand me over to the Town?”

He cocked an eyebrow. “You want me to do that?”

“Of course I don’t, I was just curious as to why-”

“I honestly don’t know,” he sighed looking away. Suddenly a devious smirk broke out on his face and he glanced back at me. “Maybe it’s just because you’re so pretty.”

I felt the blood rush to my face and reached for something to throw at him, not finding anything. “Oh shut up.”

“Whatever. The suns coming up, so I’m going to get rested for tomorrow’s shift. I suggest you sleep too,” he told me, pulling his boots and coat off as he spoke.

“Right, so…where do I sleep?”

He laughed. “Either climb in here with me or sleep on the floor.”

“Floor.” I dropped to the ground, already figuring out how I was going to make it bearable. It was stone, polished but still, it was stone.

“Oh you’ll get over that quickly. Well goodnight, rather good morning,” now shirtless, he pulled the blanket up and rolled so he wasn’t facing me.

“Yeah, yeah, you too.”

A few moments passed before he rolled over again. I was shifting about, trying to figure out how I was going to get comfortable when he said, “And please do me a favor and don’t leave this room, answer the door, or so much as stand in view of the window.”

“Uh…Okay,” I told him, not finding a reason to argue for the time being. “Hey, if I’m staying with you, can you at least tell me your name?”

“Hunter. Night Stalkers have no last name. We’re renamed by town officials when taken in. And what’s your name?”

“Kat.”

“Well, have a good sleep, Kat.” He rolled away from me again laughing, as I glared at his back.

I did not have a good sleep on that floor.
~~~Lane Render
  





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Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:31 pm
bobberrules says...



I think that this story has very good potential. I especially like the beginning,

(When I first woke up, I didn’t realize I was awake. I thought I was having a nightmare. It was dark, night, but there was no moon and the stars seemed to cast a faint but gruesome bloody red on the black and twisted world.)

The only problem that I have is that I think this sentence maybe should be broken up into 2.

(all body parts were intact and functioning, if somewhat sore, my bag was with me, and my travelling clothes were still on my body, no more worn than usual.)

I don't know, it just sounds a little awkward. Anyway, keep up the great work!! :)
  





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Tue Jan 26, 2010 1:04 am
captain.classy says...



Before I get to my harshness, let me just say you have a beautiful and casual voice, and I loved reading your work.

Nit-Pickiness:

When I first woke up, I didn’t realize I was awake.

Let me introduce the idea of "show not tell" to you. Here, you are telling. Instead of telling us she didn't know she was awake, show us. Tell us that she felt like she was in a dream, and explain what her dream was like. I would suggest deleting the first two sentences. They are not grabbers, and more boring and useless than anything.

Slowly, as the shock of finding myself lying on the hard ground in a place I didn’t recognize, a very intimidating place that I didn’t recognize, I began to realize what was happening.

Weird sentence. You have two recognize in here. I would suggest replacing one of them with a new word, only to help your story flow better.

This wasn’t a dream, a nightmare, rather, but a Trip.

Awkward. Should be: “this wasn’t a dream nor nightmare, but rather a Trip." And what does that mean, exactly? Can you please explain 'trip' and why it might be capitalized?

“Honestly, why the hell would you be out? Especially when it’s a Black Moon night?”

When two different characters, speak, there should be two separate paragraphs for each speaker. In some cases, it works in the same paragraph, but this is not one of them.

“You have no idea of the alternative… you should know, but you obviously don’t.”

'You' should be capitalized.

“I mean that we use different words for some things, our buildings look different, our clothes look different, our sky even looks different. Our laws are different, both the laws of nature and the laws people put in place. Sometimes, I fall asleep in that place and wake up somewhere completely different like here.”

Okay, how does she already know all of this? I don’t understand, didn’t she just escape into the world?

“Don’t be rude.” Was he pouting?

Haha! Sorry, this just amused me so much!

We are also ordered to catch anyone our after curfew and hand them over to the Town.”

I think you mean "out after curfew."

“Floor.” I dropped to the ground, already figuring out how I was going to make it bearable. It was stone, polished but still, it was stone.

Can you please get inside her head here? It’s a bit unrealistic her just agreeing to live with him. I think it’d be more realistic if you got inside her head and have her think something like “I have no other choice.” She, of course, shouldn’t say it, because that would express weakness.
If you are keeping with the whole, she still thinks this is a dream thing, you need to reiderate that, keep saying it so your readers don't forget. If she still thinks she is in a dream, it is all right for her to be a tad bit more comfortable than she should, but not this comfortable. She should be asking more questions, and try to leave, try to decline his offer to stay.

Characters
I really like the boy. He is so cute. I fell in love with him when he said "because you're pretty." What a beautiful line that helps him open up to your readers.
Kat, on the other hand, is still a mystery to me. Her personality is flip floppy. One minute she is scared, and the next she is comfortable with this guy? He threw her on his bed after cupping a hand over her mouth for crying out loud! I would be freaked out and disgusted. But maybe that's just me.

Description
Someone told me this with my story, so I will pass it on to you. just a warning that in the next chapter, I think you should describe his room/house. If you describe a room, you get to know the character more. Is it messy, because that would mean he is messy. Does it have pictures of his family, because that would mean he loves them. Things like that.

Plot
I like it, I just think in the next part you are going to start rushing. You don't want to rush. Don't worry, I will tell you if you do.

Classy
  





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Thu Jan 28, 2010 5:55 pm
Moriah Leila says...



Hey there! Sorry it took me awhile to get to this, but here I am! Anyways, I know you wanted me to tear this to shreds, but honestly all of the nitpicks have already been covered by Classy. I would point out grammatical errors, except I'm really not strong in that department. So I am going to focus on the big picture, the major things that you need to address.

Characters: Hunter is a great character! I love him, he seems like the bad boy with a good heart. And you do a great job of making him seem like a real person. As for Kat, she is totally flat. I don't know what she looks like, what her personality is, in fact I don't really know anything about her. You describe her disbelief in the beginning, but after that you don't really give us any insight into her inner thoughts. What does she think about Hunter? Is she remotely attracted to him? Does she think he is arrogant or rude? I want more personality from her for sure, because right now she does not seem like a real person to me.

Setting: The setting seems really awesome, especially when Kat first arrives in this strange world. I have to agree with Classy in that I wish you had done more description on Hunter's room. Make sure that when you are describing a scene that you focus on all five senses. What does it look like? What sounds can your characters hear? What does it smell like? What tastes does this setting evoke in your characters? What textures or temperatures can be felt in this scene? By exploring all of the senses you make the place seem more realistic to your readers.

Plot: I think your plot is flawless. You have a unique plot line, full of conflict and perhaps a little romance. Great job. Your flow is a little rushed, you do seem to give us a lot of information all at once. I'd like it if you didn't tell us everything there is to know about this world, but that is totally up to you. So far so good.

Dialogue: While you do a good job of showing us Hunter's personality and giving us some very important information through dialogue, it doesn't seem quite realistic. How old are these two characters? If they're teenagers, make sure they talk like teenagers. Make sure that you include facial expressions and body language in with your dialogue. And like Classy has already said, whenever a new character says or does something you start a new paragraph. That way we aren't confused as to who is speaking.

Show NOT Tell: This is your major problem in this story. You do a lot of telling, especially when Kat first arrives. The first three paragraphs are all telling. While you need a good balance of showing and telling, opening your story with all telling, is a good way to scare off your readers. If you have trouble with this you should check out this article: Show and Tell. It has helped me out a lot with showing versus telling.

Hopefully this helped. If you have any questions or would like my help, feel free to PM me! Keep writing, you've got what it takes. :D
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.
  








Who, being loved, is poor?
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