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Adjusting to the Dark- Chapter 2 (1st draft)



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Sun Jan 10, 2010 1:20 am
Pretty Crazy says...



The day goes on like any other.
It’s funny how you think someone will notice something, but they don’t. I thought for sure someone would suddenly stop and say:
“Hello Kevin, you seem different today,”
But, to my relief, no one does. Everything is just as it always is. So I play along.
“Hey, good game yesterday,” A guy says as he walks by.
I nod politely, but I couldn’t care less what he said. I only want to get to Matilda. She’s my training partner, not to mention my closest friend. I try to catch a glimpse of her through the hallway that’s crowded with students. This is the Kids Spy Academy, or KSA for short. Only specially selected kids get to train here- I’m one of them, but right now I don’t feel very special. Unless you call feeling like you’ve been hit by a train ‘special’.
I keep making my way through the crowd and towards where our lockers are . Finally I spot her. As always, Matilda is wearing a bandana over her shoulder length black hair. Never ask her why, no one really knows- including her. I guess she just likes them. It’s kind of the only accessory you’re allowed to wear here, usually I have to wear a training uniform. But we have the day off today. Just ‘regular’ classes.
“Hi Kevin!” She sees me and waves eagerly.
“Hi,” I reply. I open my locker, throw my knapsack in, and slam it shut.
“So what’s new?” She asks. Casually leaning her elbow against her locker.
“Nothing,” I sigh. I don’t look at her in case my eyes tell her it’s not ‘nothing’.
“Okay, guess what?” Matilda’s elbow is still against her locker. She holds up her free hand excitedly.
“I’m going up a level in martial arts! Today!” She laughs happily and I do my best to grin back. Part if me is really happy for her, but my mind is whirling with thoughts of my discovery that I can shape-shift.
I desperately want to be able to tell somebody but, right now, I can’t risk the wrong person overhearing. So I decide to wait until after school.
Suddenly I realize Matilda’s noticed my far-off look. I quickly throw on another fake smile. “That’s great,” I say, hoping it’s not as forged as I think it is.
“Is there something wrong?” Her soft brown eyes look over my face in concern.
“No,” I reply, a little too hastily.
“There is something wrong,” Matilda raises an eyebrow. It almost looks kind of funny, she still has her elbow against her locker.
I lean over. “I’ll tell you later,” I whisper in her ear.
“Okay,” She nods understandingly.
“So what’s our first class?” I ask.
“Um . . .” She purses her lips. “Math?”
“Alright, let’s go,” I say. I take a few steps then notice she’s not behind me. When I turn around, she’s still standing with her elbow against her locker.
“You’re locker’s stuffed again isn’t it?” I ask amusingly.
“What? No!” She flicks her hand in the international way of excusing something.
“Do you want me to wait?” I ask.
“Nah, go ahead,” She rests her head in her hand.
“Okay, see you,” I turn and chuckle to myself. After I walk around a corner, I take a peek back, she is trying to open the locker but stuff keeps falling out. Kids walking by shake their heads but don’t laugh. They’re used to Matilda ‘situations’ she gets herself into.
I keep walking, as I do I think of how glad I am we’re friends. If only I could tell her what I need to.

It must be the slowest day of my life. Classes seem to drag on and on and on. Which is kind of weird for me, because I usually enjoy school. But then again, when someone discovers they have powers, things tend to drag on.
Thankfully, time never stops, no matter how often you think it does. So when school is finally out I set out to find Matilda. That isn’t hard; we have a special spot we meet up at everyday after school.
All I have to do is walk down the hall, out the front doors, down the steps, and walk across the lawn to the first tree without running into anyone. Yeah. Not that easy. Almost everyone knows me here so it’s hard to escape without someone stopping me.
The final bell rings, as soon as it does, I'm up and running. Hopefully I can be one of the first ones out.
I think to myself as I walk as quickly as possible. Out the classroom, in the hall, hurry.
"Kevin!" A voice calls behind me. I grit my teeth and keep walking. I hear footsteps running up from behind me.
"Wait up!"
I try to look like I didn't hear.
"Hey!" The person matching the voice steps in front of me. I reluctantly stop and bite back a groan, it's Tyler. He's a player from my Z-ball team who also happens to be a friend of mine.
"Why didn't you stop,"
"I didn't hear you," I reply uselessly.
"Well, anyway, guess what?"
"What?" I say through clenched teeth.
"I hope your not busy today because Coach Joe wants to do an extra practice,"
"Great," I say sarcastically. I start walking and Tyler trots along beside me.
"He told me to let you know," He continued, oblivious to my annoyance. I keep my mouth a firm line, hoping he'll get the hint and go away. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but there is no way I can tell him the truth right now. He'd spread the rumour faster than a dead bug on the windshield.
"So are you going?" He asks eagerly.
"I don't know," I rub the back of my neck. My eyes are focused straight ahead but I'm vaguely aware of the people passing in front of me. We're outside now, the faraway sun light meets my eyes. It might have been a bright day if there were no skyscrapers or giant glass domes above us.
Alright, I’ll just make it brief; Nita has a lot a gravity, meteorites and storms. So the only way humans can live here is if we have some shield protecting us. The domes control weather, temperature, and gravity. If a human were to leave it- they'd be crushed. That's it.
"Okay, whatever," Tyler says. "Just make sure you're there because the coach will blame me if you're not,"
I shrug and walk off to the left. Kids are talking and laughing all around me. Everyone likes hanging out on the KSA lawn; not very many places on Nita have greenery.
I see Matilda before I reach the tree, she's talking to some other girl. She has black hair too, but it's shorter and with purple highlights at the bottom. She's wearing a tight-fitting purple and black tee with pink skinny jeans.
As I approach I try to recognize her, but I don't. She's either new or I've never seen her before. Huh, that's weird, Matilda never told me she had another friend.
I can now hear some of their conversation.
"-here he comes now," Matilda is saying.
I'm tempted to turn back, but now that they've seen me, I can't.
"Hello," I raise my hand in a gesture of greeting as I stop in front of them.
"Hi, I'm Louise," The girl says. She holds out her hand and I shake it.
"Kevin," I smile back. Another one of my fake smiles. I'm really thinking: Matilda, you knew I wanted to tell you something, so why this?
"Louise is in my science class, we were paired together for an assignment," Matilda says. Once again answering my silent questions.
"Oh," I nod. Right now I kind of wish we were in the same science class, we could have been partners. Then I might have had the chance to tell her earlier.
"Matilda's told me so much about you," Louise exclaims excitedly.
"Uh-" I'm not quite sure how to react.
"Don't worry, I didn't say anything bad," Matilda laughs and Louise joins in.
My eyes fall to my expensive KAR brand shoes. I'm reminded by how dad insisted on getting them a few weeks ago. I kind of feel the same right now, like I'm being treated like a little kid who doesn't know how to make a decision.
"Well, Louise and I are going out for- something," Matilda says.
"We don't know what we're getting," Louise adds.
"Want to go?" Matilda finishes.
"No thanks, I have . . . Z-ball practice." I reply.
"Okay, see you later!" Matilda whirls around and her and Louise trot off together.
I watch her go and sigh. I didn't want to have to go to Z-ball practice without her opinion. Well, I guess I have to now. I can only hope something weird doesn’t happen to me again.
_______________________________
Please, please comment! :)
Last edited by Pretty Crazy on Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Sun Jan 10, 2010 2:03 pm
Day says...



here is your review...

I. Opening thoughts
At first I was surprised to see that he actually went to a spy academy. His friend Matilda seemed like a very original character and I did like the fact that you made her leave with the other girl. Short section I know.

II. Plot
The plot in this chapter was expressed nicely. First you introduced us to the whole spy school. At first I thought it was kind of hokey, but by the end I decided it seemed somewhat natural. Explaining his friend Matilda was a good idea. Giving a story more characters to work with early on is always a positive. Bigger than those was the fact that he still hasn't told anyone about his shape shifting which leaves us dying to know if he will tell Matilda anytime soon. To me the story flowed naturally and did not seem rushed at all so good job there.

III. Characters
I really like your main character and Matilda as well. In this chapter both were given some much needed development that helped me visualize them better. So that was also a positive.

IV. Closing Thoughts
This chapter was quite good. The positive(s) outweighed the negative(s). As I said above the only iffy thing to me was the whole spy academy. It probably is just me because I pictured this story going a different direction. IF your wondering I thought it would turn into him being a regular school boy in a futuristic society in which all those with special abilities are banished. Although I probably got this basis from my story...

Overall great job and the finished project doesn't disappoint. I don't think I mentioned length so I would like to say that this chapter wasn't to short or to long. You could say it was just right so continue making the chapters around this length.

Hope I helped somewhat,

DayDreams
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Thu Jan 14, 2010 9:08 pm
narniafreak12 says...



Hi!

Okay. I like it so far. I'm curious to know what Z-Ball is. It sounds fun. Also, I kind of like that he goes to a Spy Academy. It makes his life more unique than just some kid who happens to have a weird power; Not the normal Super power story. I only found a couple things to comment on.

“So what’s our first class?” I ask.
“Um . . .” She purses her lips. “Math?”

They don’t know what their classes our? Even if it were the first day of school they’d have a schedule to look at.
Yeah. Not that easy.

Why not?
He's player from my Z-ball team who also happens to be a friend of mine.

You forgot “a” after He’s. =]
Alright, I just make it brief; Nita has a lot a gravity, meteorites and storms. So the only way humans can live here is if we have some shield protecting us. The domes control weather, temperature, and gravity. If a human were to leave it- they'd be crushed. That's it.

Maybe you could combine this with some action or something. Instead of just in a big blurb. Also, what does “Alright, I just make it brief” mean? Did you forget a word or am I just confusing myself.

Anyways. Keep going! And definitely tell me when you put up more! I want to know how he tells Matilda and what this power is going to do to his life! =]

-Narniafreak!
  





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Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:24 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey there crazy person, Pink here as requested!
Let's get started with this review :D
"I hope your not busy today because Coach Joe wants to do an extra practice,"

Period not comma at the end of this.
"No thanks, I have . . . Z-ball practice." I reply.

comma after practice.

Okay so those were the only nitpicks I really found.
I'm intrigued with the idea of a spy school and Kevin seems really cool, I like his attitude :)
You introduced a lot of different characters in the beginning and I think that's a bit of a turn off. I mean, I can only really remember so many so try to slowly introduce them into the story and follow up with some sort of description or a story so we can remember who is who. Your flow needs some tweeking, I'm not sure what's missing but maybe you should add just a little more descriptions in a few areas. Continue working on a few of your grammar rules, such as commas and periods and all that good stuff.
One more thing, I suggest you create some sort of 'pull' in this chapter. Right now it's very easy going and I think a spy school can have a lot of action in it so maybe start off with something to do with spying or this "Z-ball" it'd be kind of cool and I think it's more interesting, but again, that's just a suggestion. :D
Overall, this is a good start and I like your idea so far. Your characters are also promising and real so keep it up!

~Pink
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