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Igneous Rock Ch.1 Part 1



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Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:40 am
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narniafreak12 says...



Chapter One:

I huddle in the dark, unable to go back to sleep. I glance at the clock; its digital red numbers glare 2:16. The house is silent, besides my foster dad, Dave, snoring in the room down the hall. Outside I can hear the restless horses trying to sleep. Random strands of hair are pulling out of my ponytails from yesterday. Gently, I pull the bands out and fling them across the room, not caring where they land.

My mind whirls, remembering the dream I had awakened from only minutes ago. It was a repeat of that day, ten years ago, when my world crashed down on me. It was the day I lost my best friend. I can still see his eyes: wide, green, and afraid. This time, however, the events of the dream changed. Dom wasn’t simply torn away from my grasp and shoved into a van. Instead, the men pulled out their guns and shot him as they pulled me away. His blood pooled around his body, as I tried to touch him. Then the doctor came forward and stood over his body, his smirk creeping up his face and into his dark eyes.

Shaking away the image, I look down at my hands. Small bubbles of blood burst out of the skin where my nails had clenched my palms. I sit up and lean up against the headboard. My feet push away the blankets before swinging over the edge of the bed. I get up and stretch my arms, careful not to brush my hand against anything. Then I go to the bathroom.

I wash the smeared blood down the sink, and then I slap a band-aid across the scratches. I look up into the mirror. My hair is a mass of curly, wavy tangles. I remind myself I need to cut it later. Pushing my bangs away, I stare into my eyes. There’s a small glint of gray hidden in the blue. It reminds me of the doctor’s eyes; cold, hard, and colorless.

My throat clogs as I turn away. My hand flings out, knocking the soap dispenser over. It clatters against my toothbrush and cup, and then all three items fall to the floor. I stop and suck in a breath. Dave’s snoring stops and I hear May whispering. A loud thud hits the floor downstairs. I flick off the light, leaving the mess, and flop back down on my bed. I roll over, and pull the blankets around me, burying my face in the pillow.

A door slams downstairs, and I hear a sharp yell. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the world. I hear footsteps head down the hall. Someone opens my door, its hinges squeaking.

“Igneous?” a voice whispers. I think it’s May, but I don’t move.

“Come dear,” Dave begins, “she’s asleep. Let’s not wake her.” The door closes, and they walk back down the hall. I flip over on my side and stare at the door. The light from the hall flicks off. The house grows quiet. I hear the dogs outside give out a last bark and then whine into silence.

My fuzzy blanket tickles my nose, so I grab it and wrap it around my body. Then I hear a sound. It’s the rapid pace of a heartbeat; a rhythm I haven’t heard in a long while. I get up and shuffle to the window, with the blanket trailing behind me. I peer out into the darkness. My vision takes in the detail; the grains of wood the barn is made out of; the small prints in the soft dirt from the dogs’ pacing. The barn is untouched, and none of the animals seem to be spooked. The fields are fine. My eyes rest on the woods behind the silo. Nothing.

My head turns as I go to leave the window. A shadow runs into my field of vision. I stop and stare. The figure pauses at the forest edge. I see a blue strand of light flicker then go out. Then the figure is gone, melting into the trees. I open the window, and wince as it squeaks. I stick my face up against the screen. Then I hear the heartbeat more clearly. I know it belongs to one of us.

I slide the window down and throw the blanket to the floor. I leave my room, carefully closing the door behind me. Then swiftly but quietly, I take the stairs two at a time, barely touching them so they don’t creak.

My senses heighten as I step into the dark kitchen. Moonlight pours in from the window, lighting the kitchen up in an eerie white color. I slide across the tile floor and reach out to grab the handle of the back door. A hand reaches out from the dark living room and takes it first.

I freeze, my hand still stretched out. Cody, my foster brother, emerges into the kitchen. I can see the smirk riding up the corners of his mouth. I bite the inside of my cheek and begin to count.

One, two, three, four, five...

“Where are you going, freak?” he asks.

“Um… Outside,” I say. He narrows his eyes. “I-I couldn’t sleeps, so… so I was going to go out to the barn and--” He holds up his hand. I stare up at him. I’m not afraid of him. It’s just that he’s bigger than me, and I really don’t know him all that well.

“Mom and Dad didn’t believe me when I said you’d be up to something.” He folds his arms across his chest, and looks down at me. “They think you’re a goody-two shoes. Well, I know you aren’t. Who was that Sneak? Hmmm? A friend of yours?” I give him a blank stare, hoping to play dumb.

“Sneak?” I ask wide-eyed. “Someone broke in?” I make my voice crack as if I’m scared. “Why didn’t you catch them? What if it was a mass murderer? What if--”

“Shut up!” Cody gives me a disgusted look. “Jeez, I was just kidding.” I grin slightly, knowing I fooled him. I clear the smile from my mouth quickly, so he doesn’t have the chance to see it.

“Cody!” a voice calls from upstairs. “Go to bed!” He curses under his breath and then ducks out of the kitchen. I hear his footsteps go up the stairs, then his door slams. I let go of the air that I had trapped inside my lungs.

My hand turns the knob as I open the kitchen door slowly, trying to prevent the rusted hinges from groaning. I step out on to the porch and breathe in. The night air is chilly, unlike the stuffy house. I go to take a step off the porch. The instant my foot touches the ground; I’m off running down the worn path towards the barn. I pass the wooden structure and go to the last place I saw the person before he disappeared into the woods.


Okay, thanks for reviewing. I have a few more parts written but I've been holding off on posting because my friends tell me to just write the whole story before revising. Plus I'm not that good with remembering grammar rules, haha.I've only listened to them a little. Anyways, tell me what you think and thanks again. =]

-Narniafreak!
Last edited by narniafreak12 on Mon Jan 04, 2010 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:14 pm
Cotton says...



Hey! This is just the right length for a first section, so it's nice and easy for me to read and comment on in my poor, about-to-go-back-to-school lethargy. Thank you for that :).

My first comment is that I didn't realise that your main character was a girl until Dave says, "she's asleep." This isn't really important, but I would suggest having something within the first or second paragraph that at least suggests at the gender, like "as I stood my nightdress swirled around my legs" or something.

You mentioned that you're not very good at grammar - well, I am. And I'm pinickity as well, so I apologise in advance for being irritatingly pernickety.

I glance at the clock; it’s digital red numbers glare 2:16. The house is silent, besides my foster dad, Dave, snoring in the room down the hall.

OK, first thing. Here you use the semi-colon quite nicely, but later on I think you overuse it, when you should just have commas (I'll get to that). Second, you don't need the apostrophe in "it's". I had the most terrible problem with this myself, so I know where you're coming from: the posession apostrophe is only used with named nouns (like Susan's cat, or the dog's bone) but with "it" it's just "its". Ha, what a confusing sentence.


I can still see his eyes; wide, green, and afraid.

Then the doctor came forward and stood over his body; his smirk creeping up his face, into his dark eyes.

This is where I think the semi-colon isn't necessary. In the first sentence, use either a dash or a colon; for the second, I think this would work: "Then the doctor came forward and stood over his body, his smirk creeping us his face and into his dark eyes." (Since the semi-colon is used to show a relationship between two separate sentences, where a full-stop is too much of a divide, but a comma is too small.)


I sit up, and lean up against the headboard. I push away my blankets and swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I get up and stretch my arms, careful not to brush my hand against anything. Then I go to the bathroom.

Hmm. Do you see this? In this paragraph - and throughout, I noticed - you use the sentence starter "I..." waaay too much. Try some sentence structure variation, like tying two together like: "I sit up and, leaning against the headboard, push away my blankets and swing my legs over the edge of the bed."


My head turns, as I go to leave the window.

You don't need the comme after "turns", unless you change "as" to "and".


“Cody!” a voice calls from upstairs, “Go to bed!”

There's an exclamation mark after "Cody", and "Go" has a capital letter, so you should have a full-stop after "upstairs", since the two bits of speech are two separate sentences.


My hand turns the knob as I open the kitchen door slowly, trying to avoid the rusted hinges’ groaning.

Last one, I promise. I'm not sure about the apostrophe at the end of hinges - I would suggest rearranging to avoid confusion: "My hand turns the knob as I open the kitchen door slowly, trying to prevent the rusted hinges from groaning."

Other than that (which isn't really that big a deal, if I'm honest) you have a really interesting start to a story here - I like the mystery of Igneous, and the hinting that she's part of something... me likey.
PM with any questions - and definitely when you put the next part up!
~*cottonrulz*~
Last edited by Cotton on Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company
  





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Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:55 pm
narniafreak12 says...



Hey! Thanks! I really appreciate helping with the grammar things. My goal for this year is to try and actually remember some so I can proofread my stuff better. I'll be sure to fix those changes. I will most certainly PM you when I put up more. Thanks!

-Narnifreak! =]

P.S. There's also a Prologue of this story somewhere here on YWS that I put up a little while ago. That might help clear up some things like her gender, but I will put in something here too.
  





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Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:28 am
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LadySpark says...



Hi narniafreak, sorry it took so long. I hadn't checked my WRFF thread in a while. So lets get started!



I'm doing an overall review for you today :)

Grammar:
nice, no problems except in the beginning you seem to cofuse past/presnt tense

Storyline:
Intearesting. There are two diffrent kinds of writers: the kind that overloads you with info. in the first chapters and the ones who trikle it in. You seem to be trikling. I personally like the ones who overload you with info. Fashionably. Take Shubbi (now Shrubbery) for example: she does it perfectly. Maybe a little more info in the next chapters

Charecters:
I'm confused. Is her name Ingenious? Her charecter doesn't seem to have much of a personality yet. I struggle with creating a ch. profile myself so I understand why she may not have much of an attitude,presonality yet
Nice beginning. Keep going. I can't review part 2, yet so I'll get to it later. SPAM me if I don't get it done by Sun.
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  








Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind