Young Writers Society

Hi guys, it's me PenNPaper. This is part of the stroy I'm currently writing, I plan to publish it if I can. This is just the first draft, so it may not be that good. All the more, please tell me how I can improve this piece of work.





Arthur was just putting the finishing touch to the hover-car when it happened, the phone call that changed his life. He rubbed his greasy hands on his pants, trying to rid them of the oil. Then he answered the call. It was Michael, Arthur’s co-worker.
“We got a situation on the Sky Suite, something crashed onto the roof, looks like a spaceship, but I can’t be sure,” Michael said.
“Got it, I’m coming,” Arthur replied.
Arthur hurriedly changed into his normal clothes, then hurried towards the nearest Teleportation Pad, TP for short, and flashed his Pad Pass at the guard, who let him pass. The TPs could only be used by the mechanics, police, or medics, the three most popular jobs in the Zanica station. As Arthur was a senior mechanic, he was more then entitled to use it. Those who were caught traveling illegally by the TPs were fined two thousand pounds.
Arthur searched for the button that would lead him to the Sky Suite, the highest point in the station. He ran his fingers down the many buttons until he found it. The moment he pressed it, he felt himself sucked into space, and he could hardly see his surroundings. The next second, he landed on the Arrival Pad, AP for short. The pads worked this way, the pads were powered by electricity, which would be released once the button was pressed. The electric bolts would then help to zap the person across to the destination, and because this happened extremely quickly, it seemed like teleportation.
Arthur stepped out of the pad, gazing at his surroundings. The Sky Suite was actually a park, with dome shaped houses scattered around. Trees were grown around a house to provide enough air. The air was much fresher around here than at the Middle Block, which was where Arthur lived. Trade ships flew all around, Arthur had never heard of a spaceship crashing though. Pilots had to pass a test before they were allowed to pilot a ship.
The moment Arthur arrived; he was greeted by a crowd. He squeezed through, and then was allowed over the barrier after he showed his Occupation Identification Card, also known as OIC.
“You’re late, as usual,” Michael said. “Since we’re all here, let’s go check out the spaceship.”
Arthur ignored that comment, he was far more interested in the spaceship that loomed over him. He walked into the shadow of the spaceship, and then noticed it. A panel near to the door, which was locked up.
Arthur headed straight for the panel. Then, using his MTA, mechanic’s tools assistant, called up his screw driver. He unscrewed the screws on the four corners of the panel cover before taking the thing off.
Arthur studied the wires that occupied most of the inside. They looked like they were split into different categories. One for the engine, one for the door and the last one for the lights. Arthur concentrated on the ones for the door, they were arranged in a zigzag pattern, leading from smaller panel to the other, which had a green light. He felt that if he could rearrange the wires to reverse the system, the door would open automatically.
Arthur called up his pliers and tried to detach the wires, but failed, as they were firmly stuck to the smaller panel, which were attached to the whole panel. If he yanked them out, he would risk the entire panel being ripped out. He opened up the smaller panel, and discovered that the wires went down below, so there was no way he could take them out. Then it struck him. I could cut them, he thought. He selected the wire cutter from the MTA and carefully cut each of the wires. The other mechanics, who were observing him, watched as the green light turned to red.

There was some cheering going on, but Arthur didn’t bother to congratulate himself. After all, it was no surprise that a senior mechanic like him was able to disable a simple lock. Instead, he walked towards the door, and then figured that even if he jumped, it was still too high for him to reach it. There must be a ramp somewhere that I could activate, he thought. He searched the area around it, but found nothing; he even asked the other mechanics to help him search the whole ship.
He paced back and forth, trying to figure out a way to go inside. He glanced back at the panel for a second, that second was just enough for him to spot another smaller panel, which was lighted red. He checked the arrangement of the wires, they were parallel, meaning that it was a one way flow, unfortunately they were burnt, so that they were broken, meaning that electricity couldn’t pass through. Arthur cursed, somebody had obviously overloaded the circuit. If only there was a way to fix the wires, he thought. There was. He cut off the burnt ends of the wire with the plier, then wore his rubber gloves. Tapping on his MTA, he called up the electrical wire, which was literally electrical, and taped it from one wire to the other. He repeated this process until all the wires had been taped.
There was a low buzzing noise, the ramp had been activated. Arthur climbed up, and tried to force open the door.
“No use buddy,” a policeman said, carrying a giant metal cutter with two hands. “We’ll do it instead.”
Arthur stepped back reluctantly, allowing the policeman to cut open the door. After several minutes, the policeman pushed the door down, and it landed with a clang.
“Now you can go in,” the policeman grinned.
Arthur nodded, normally it was the policemen who went into the dangerous places, but Arthur felt like going in, and his curiousness got the better of him. He sucked up his courage and took the step in.
It was dark inside, with a dim light in the distance. Arthur couldn’t see anything. He crept along the walls, feeling his way blindly with his hands. The light got brighter, and Arthur thought he could make out a person standing in the light.
“Hello?” he called out. There was no reply. He tried again, still no answer. He could see the floor clearly now, and didn’t need to feel his way. He walked in to a room.
The bright light blinded him, he quickly shielded them with his hands. Through the spaces of his fingers, he could see a man standing in front of him, wearing a brown vest and a blue jean.
“Who are you?” Arthur asked.
“I am Obah, from the planet Ranev, I have to come to warn you,” the man said.
“About what?”
“My people, the Kronans”
“I don’t exactly understand you”
“Well then, let me explain. My planet Ranev is dying, our resources are limited and global warming is becoming a major problem, we need another place to live. The nearest would be exactly a hundred and twenty two light years away, Zanica. The problem is, we have calculated, there isn’t enough space for both the Kronans and humans to live, so we have decided to chase you guys out. By using forceful means”
“And what are we supposed to do, can we fight back back?”
“Impossible, the Kronans are born to fight, you humans will lose.”
“You talk as if you hate us.”
“How can I hate you when I’m already warning you? You must leave.”
“We don’t have anywhere else to go, how long till they attack?.”
“A week”
“Well you can’t go back now can you, you need somewhere to stay, how about my place?”
“Really? Then, I thank you . . . Mr . .? “
“Call me Arthur, Arthur Cowell”
“Thank you, Arthur. . .”
“Let’s introduce you to the rest, and tell them about the danger we’re facing”
They emerged from the ship, two men. A mechanic and an alien. They were both about the same height, but Arthur was bigger in size. Arthur told everyone about the situation, about the danger they were about to face. Everyone got frightened, and children wailed. Everybody retired back home, with sad faces. Arthur sighed heavily, he was tired too. He ran his fingers through his thick brown hair, and yawned, then beckoned to Obah to follow him.
He didn’t take the TP as Obah was with him; instead, he took the lift back home. He was too tired to even take a bath and plunked himself straight on the bed and fell asleep.
Arthur was awakened by the doorbell; he got up and opened the door. He was greeted by a man, probably twice as big as an ordinary human, with huge hands and feet, and taller. He looked like an actual giant.
“It’s early, who are you?” he asked grumpily.
“Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Russell Jenkins, you may call me Russell. I work for Secret Society of Alien Contact, I heard about your story yesterday, may I see the alien?” Russell asked.
Arthur hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should trust Russell, and then decided that it would be alright just for a while.
“Alright then, but just for a while”
He let the man pass, then went to introduce Russell to Obah. Russell studied the alien for a while, then said.
“We may have a solution to your problem,” he began. “The SSAC has recently discovered a new type of technology, a bomb that would eliminate a whole planet, would it be possible to place it on your planet?”
“You want to kill my people?” Obah asked.
“Unless you would rather see the humans die?”
Obah hesitated, Arthur could tell there was a battle raging in his mind, of whether to let the humans or Kronans get eliminated, finally he said.
“Isn’t there any other solution?” he finally asked.
“None we can think up of at the moment”
“I’m just curious, why are you on our side?” Arthur asked.
“The rulers of my planet, who call themselves the Committee, are corrupted. They have put a micro chip inside our brain so that we will listen to their every order. As soon as I heard of it, I came here to warn you. This maybe the only way.” Obah replied
“Good then,” Russell said. “As you said, we only have a week from yesterday, meaning we only have six days left. If we travel at high speed using your spaceship, which is repaired, we could get there in a few hours. We need to formulate a plan though, of what we should do when we get there. I don’t think your kind would gladly welcome us with open arms, so we have to avoid as much attention as possible.”

“Yes, I do agree we need a plan. . .” Obah replied, but he was unsure of himself, he felt like a traitor. His mind was a whirl, he missed his family, but now they would hate him, for what he had done. They started to plan what they would do, but there was a major problem. Kronans had six fingers while humans had only five. They would need to grow an extra finger.
“Mr Arthur Cowell, I heard you’re a mechanic, I also hear you’re a part-time scientist. Perhaps you could invent something that would allow us to grow an extra finger?” Russell asked.
“Er. .yes that may be possible, but I would need certain materials to do so”
“We will supply you the materials, Arthur.”
“Yes that would be good. . .”
“What do you need?”
Arthur rattled of a list of things he needed, and Russell repeated the orders into his phone.
“Your items will be delivered in an hour, meanwhile you should memorise the plan” Russell said before slamming the door shut.
Arthur was left bewildered, he couldn’t figure out how Russell knew that he was a part-time scientist, as it was just a hobby. The materials arrived, and Arthur spent the rest of the day coming up with the solution, with Obah watching him.

Hi Paper!

I just read this and here are a few things I'd like to say.

1. Try a different start. The whole 'thing-that-changed-his-life' start is over used. How about something like : "Arthur was just putting the finishing touch to the hover-car when his phone vibrated. Startled, by its suddenness, his hand streaked across the newly coated hover craft."

Arthur hurriedly changed into his normal clothes, then hurried towards the nearest Teleportation Pad, TP for short,

I think you should remove a 'hurried.'
Also; it would be better if you don't keep explaining the short forms. Try to weave it into the story, like : "he hurried toward the nearest TP. He walked passes the bright LEDs displaying 'Transportation Pad.'"

The electric bolts would then help to zap the person across to the destination

The use of the word zap makes it too cartoon-like. How about : "The electric bolts assisted in the reconstruction of the person in the Arrival Pad"

“You’re late, as usual,” Michael said. “Since we’re all here, let’s go check out the spaceship.”

You mention Arthur as a senior mechanic. Michael's attitude should be more respecting, due to Arthur's position.

but Arthur felt like going in, and his curiousness curiosity, you mean. got the better of him. He sucked up his courage and took the step in.

The bright light blinded him

For a crashed spaceship, it'd be normal for the lights to not work properly.

“Who are you?” Arthur asked.
“I am Obah, from the planet Ranev, I have to come to warn you,” the man said.
“About what?”
“My people, the Kronans”
“I don’t exactly understand you”

You should explain the atmosphere of the place; how Arthur is reacting to this news. His expressions, what's going on in his head.

Arthur rattled off a list of things he needed, and Russell repeated the orders into his phone.

So, overall: Good plot. Your flow is good. You need to work on your characters, dialogue and expressions.

Keep Writing!
~Lava

Thanks for the review lavabubblingout.
I may have forgotten to mention that Michael was also a senior mechanic though.

Here as requested! =D Thanks for using my thread, and sorry for the delay.

Arthur was just putting the finishing touch to the hover-car when it happened, the phone call that changed his life.

Be wary of opening lines like this, meaning the parts I bolded. It's just a bit too much of an opening line, if that makes any sense. Kind of like ending a story with "The End", or "And that's what happened to me last Tuesday". I'd suggest cutting out those phrases I bolded and making your hook pure action: Arthur was just putting the finishing touch to the hover-car when the phone rang. Make it clear that it's an important phone call through your writing.

he was more then entitled to use it.

'Then' needs to be 'than'. THAN is used in comparisons, as you have here. THEN is a time-order word, as in "Then, she opened the door."

The other mechanics, who were observing him, watched as the green light turned to red.

Seems to make more sense to me that a green light would symbolize unlocked, and a red light would symbolize locked. But in the next paragraph you say that he just unlocked it. Consider switching the colors around, for clarification.

“The rulers of my planet, who call themselves the Committee, are corrupted. They have put a micro chip inside our brain so that we will listen to their every order. As soon as I heard of it, I came here to warn you. This maybe the only way.” Obah replied

This revelation is a bit sudden. For this micro-chip brain-control idea to make sense or tie in with the rest of the story, it would help if you had hinted towards it earlier. Perhaps have Obah struggle a bit internally while he's warning Arthur about the attack. Otherwise, it's hard to believe he's being manipulated as he says. Show us that internal manipulation.

They started to plan what they would do, but there was a major problem. Kronans had six fingers while humans had only five. They would need to grow an extra finger.

Why is the number of fingers a problem in the long run? The situation they're trying to find an answer to is if the two races can somehow both survive-- I don't see how one finger matters at all in the big picture.

Easy Stuff

Okay, so! The easy things to fix are grammar, punctuation, etc. You have some typos with your dialogue punctuation that I'm not going to go through. If you re-read this (which you should) you'll find them easily enough. If you can't, brush up on dialogue punctuation rules in the Knowledge Base. Demeter has a good tutorial on that.

Secondly, semi-colons! You use them occasionally, but not enough. Many of your sentences are (or contain) comma-splices, which mean you take two full sentences and stick a comma in between. That comma should be a semi-colon (;). Here's my little guide: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic43660.html. Use it if you need.

Harder Stuff

Basically, believability. You're story is science fiction, clearly, so I don't mean believability in that way-- I mean having your characters react reasonably. Which, honestly, they don't.

Obah says, "Okay, my people are going to chase all humans off of this planet, using force and violence if necessary. We don't care what you have to say about it."

And then Arthur, a human, upon hearing that aliens want to steal his home and possibly kill his entire species if necessary, says, "Uh-oh. That's inconvenient. Do you want to come over and stay at my place?"

Do you see the issue here? Arthur needs to be scared, angry, nervous-- anything. This is BIG NEWS. His first reaction would be that these aliens are the enemy, and the very last thing he'd do would be to invite the enemy over to his home. Aim for a more realistic reaction from Arthur.

On a similar note, Obah is only mildly concerned about the fact that this Russell guy wants to wipe out his whole species with a bomb. And then he suddenly remembers that his mind is being controlled!

The issue in both these cases is that your characters don't have a strong enough sense of self-preservation. They're being told that they're world is about to fall apart-- and they don't really care. Work on developing realistic reactions and realistic developments in your plot! It'll really help your story because, no matter how interesting something is, if it's outrageously unbelievable people won't want to read it.

Good luck! ^^ PM me for anything else.

~Evi

Hey Pen! So first, it needs a lot of work. It's a good first draft, but it needs editing and some rewriting. But I'm going to go over the basic points in the story that need to be worked out, okay ?

Dialog- What dialog you have here is flat and very robotic. What I find to help me with my dialog, is that I act it out. I get into the mindset of my character, and read what I've written out loud to see if it sounds like something that a real person would say.

Abbreviations- You have many things in this story that have been abbreviated, and in my opinion it's not necessary. Unless it's going to be used frequently in the story, there's no need to abbreviate it.

Repeating Words- Pronouns are your friends! [This helped me get the idea when I was little xD->]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg9MKQ1OYCg
Don't be afraid to use them! When you have the same word over and over in a sentence, or even a paragraph, it sounds like a 4th grader blandly reading a report. I will bold most of the words I see repeating.

Descriptions and Explaining Technology- This is something I myself need to work on, but it is very important. There were a lot of things that I as a reader was left wondering- is this place a city? I assumed it was. Are aliens common, or rare? Maybe before you throw us into the action you could let us get to know Arther a little bit more, and explain the planet and it's technology.

Arthur was just putting the finishing touch to the hover-car when it happened, the phone call that changed his life.

Tsk tsk...cliche much? I know it's meant to make me go "Ooh! I wonder what happens??" But really it has the opposite affect...really it makes me laugh because it's just so overused.

Arthur hurriedly changed into his normal clothes, then hurried towards the nearest Teleportation Pad, TP for short, and flashed his Pad Pass at the guard, who let him pass. The TPs could only be used by the mechanics, police, or medics, the three most popular(Important?) jobs in the Zanica station. As Arthur was a senior mechanic, he was more then entitled to use it. Those who were caught traveling illegally by the TPs were fined two thousand pounds.

The next second, he landed on the Arrival Pad, AP for short. (You used "For short" before, try something like "Th locals called them APs" or "No one ever called them by their full name. To everyone they were simply know as APs.") The pads worked this way, the pads were powered by electricity, which would be released once the button was pressed.

Trade ships flew all around, but Arthur had never heard of a spaceship crashing though. All Pilots had to pass a test before they were allowed to pilot a ship.

The moment Arthur arrived; he was greeted by a crowd. He squeezed through, and then was allowed over the barrier after he showed his Occupation Identification Card, also known as OIC.

“You’re late, as usual,” Michael said. “Since we’re all here, let’s go check out the spaceship.”
Arthur ignored that comment, he was far more interested in the spaceship that loomed over him. He walked into the shadow of the spaceship, and then noticed it. A panel near to the door, which was locked up.
Arthur headed straight for the panel. Then, using his MTA, mechanic’s tools assistant, called up his screw driver. He unscrewed the screws on the four corners of the panel cover before taking the thing off.

He felt that if he could rearrange the wires to reverse the system, the door would open automatically.

"He felt"...Hmm, that just doesn't sound right to me...it sounds too much like he's guessing. Does that mean he's never worked with this kind of technology before? That's the drift I got. But maybe instead maybe you could explain how he had seen something similar to the panel before, and figured it probably worked the same way.

“Now you can go in,” the policeman grinned.
Arthur nodded, normally it was the policemen who went into the dangerous places, but Arthur felt like going in, and his curiousness got the better of him. He sucked up his courage and took the step in.

Okay so they have no idea what could be in this mysterious ship, no idea if it could be hostel, and the police let the mechanic go in first and don't even follow him?? I think this needs a bit of a reality check.

Through the spaces of his fingers, he could see a man standing in front of him, wearing a brown vest and a blue jean blue jeans.

"Let’s introduce you to the rest, and

tell them about the danger we’re facing”

They emerged from the ship, two men. A mechanic and an alien. They were both about the same height, but Arthur was bigger in size. Arthur told everyone about the situation, about the danger they were about to face. Everyone got frightened, and children wailed. Everybody retired back home, with sad faces.

No please! Don't call the government! We're about to be wiped out by aliens! Too bad...lets go to bed.

“The rulers of my planet, who call themselves the Committee, are corrupted. They have put a micro chip inside our brain so that we will listen to their every order. As soon as I heard of it, I came here to warn you. This maybe the only way.” Obah replied

Our brain? Do you mean brains? Or do all of this type of alien share one large brain? And does Obah have a chip too?

They started to plan what they would do, but there was a major problem. Kronans had six fingers while humans had only five. They would need to grow an extra finger.

What is this plan, and how does having an extra finger come into play? o_O?
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Overall you're got a good start here, keep at it, and make it awesome .

~Hope

This is a good book, but there are areas that you can improve. First of all,

“You’re late, as usual,”

irrelevant. Get rid of it. Second of all, I liked the plot that he was a mechanic in the future. Why'd it have to turn into another alien plot? There are some other things. You repeat words, you use unecessary abreviations, and you don't explain some stuff. Needless to say, you have a nice envisioning of the future, and you're very descriptive, which is a good quality, But, you still have some areas you need to improve.