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"W/C 10/31 Winner" - Whispers in the Dark



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506 Reviews



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Points: 9907
Reviews: 506
Sat Nov 05, 2005 7:55 pm
Sureal says...



Urgh, this is a little rushed, and I haven't had time to spell check it (if you find any mistakes, please tell me). But I wanted to get it done before the week was over and it turned out to be a little longer than I first anticipated.

None the less, here you go. I hope you enjoy it.



Whispers in the Dark

It was a dark and stormy night.
Yes that remark is clichéd, and indeed, over used. However, I’m afraid to say that it’s the most appropriate possible first sentence. After you’ve read my story, you’re going to sit down and claim that the story is clichéd… that it’s all been done before.

The difference, however, is that my story is real. This happened. It is not another piece of sad horror, written by a sad teenager. This happened. And it could happen to you. To your friends, your family. I’m not special… at least… that’s what I thought.

Never mind. Sit back and listen to my story… my warning

***

The sky cackled above whilst I sought shelter. I had no intention at all of being caught out in the open during a thunderstorm. My two friends – Alex and Sarah – both scanned the sky nervously.

‘I think it’s about to rain,’ Alex muttered. I ignored him and kept on glancing about me.
We were downtown at night. Surely there would be at least one shop open? Just one? Yet everywhere I looked I saw nothing but dark windows and ‘closed’ signs.

I sighed, annoyed. I hated the dark. I hated the rain. And I hated lightning. Damnit, was the whole world conspiring against me?
‘Tess – you okay?’ Sarah asked me. I guess she had noticed how edgy I was looking. Ignoring her, I pushed on forwards, walking with purpose.

It began to rain. Not much, thankfully – but enough to make me shiver and clutch at myself. A lone car crashed down the road, headlights on, dazzling me. It was reassuring in a way – the first sign of human life I had seen since the three of us began the treck home.

Why did this have to happen? Why did we have to spend all our money in one go? Did it occur to none of us that we’d need a bus ride home?
And hey, our mobiles were all emptied of credit. We were stranded in a town, miles from home, cold and shivering.

‘My mum’s gonna kill me…’ Alex said again, for what was probably the fourth or fifth time.
‘Better her than some loony around here,’ I sighed.
‘Or a rapist,’ Sarah added.
Oh… great…
One more thing to worry about.

*

A faint voice cried out in the darkness, halting me in my tracks. Neither Alex nor Sarah had heard anything… they carried on walking and only stopped when they noticed me lagging behind.
‘You okay, Tess?’ Sarah asked me again, a look of concern crossing her dark face.
I frowned slightly. Maybe I had imagined the voice? The cold, the wet and the worry all coming together in a bid to drive my senses mad. Perhaps – after all, everything else in the world was against me.
‘Did you just hear someone?’ I asked anyway. Both of them shook their heads.
‘What did they say?’
‘I don’t know. Couldn’t hear them properly.’
Alex shrugged, ‘Probably just your mind playing tricks on you.’
‘Maybe,’ I admitted, turning away to continue the walk home.

‘Tesssssss…’ Sarah hissed quietly.
I spun around to face her, ‘Oh yes, very funny,’ I growled, my voice full of sarcasm.
‘What?’ she asked, sounding genuinely surprised. I frowned, I was sure it had been her. It couldn’t have been Alex – he was on the wrong side of me.

‘Tesssssssss…’ Again, but this time on my right side. I spun to face and hit Alex, who reeled away from me.
‘The hell was that for?’ he gasped, rubbing his cheek ruefully.
‘You want me to slap you again?’ I sneered.
‘I don’t know why you slapped me in the first place!’
‘Tess, what’s wrong?’ Sarah asked, placing her hand gently on my shoulder. I didn’t look at her, but I could imagine the look of alarm upon her face.

I shook my head. Perhaps I was imagining it all? Argh, I was going crazy… and the weather sure wasn’t helping…
‘Stupid weather,’ I muttered under my breath.

‘So,’ Alex asked, ‘Psycho, you ready to go on?’
‘Sure, whatever. Let’s move before I completely lose it.’

I could hardly see in front of me. The rain was getting worse, and although the buildings were given us some shelter, our visibility was dying. The street lamps gave an eerie glow at ordered intervals. My clothes were almost wet through and the damp was really getting at me. My lips were blue and I was shivering horribly.

‘We need somewhere to stop,’ I said eventually, when I could take no more, ‘Some shelter… I’m dying here.’
Alex was clutching at himself, his skin pale, ‘Where? All the shops are closed.’
‘Any shelter. A bus stop. A bridge. Anything.’
Sarah frowned, ‘We haven’t come across anything like that yet. And… I can’t see any…’
‘God hates me,’ I concluded, ‘The bastard wants me dead.’

*

In the first stoke of luck I had had all day, we eventually landed across some shelter. It was a bus stop, dirty and vandalised. It had only a roof, no walls. Whilst the wind bit into me I huddled up with my two friends in an attempt to try and reduce the worst of the cold. The area stunk of trash, but I hardly noticed it – my other misgivings outweighed that minor problem.

With the light of the street lamp I studied the bus times. Perhaps a bus driver would take pity on us and give us a free drive home. It wasn’t much, but it was really the only positive notion I had to cling onto.

My attempts at tracing out the arrival time was interrupted by a fourth person staggering under the shelter, bedraggled and ill looking. He was an old man, beard grown long and his clothes trash – a homeless guy in all accounts. He looked like he had been living rough for a while now.

He sat down on the bench beside Alex, who shifted uncomfortably closer to Sarah. The three of us just stared at him for a moment as he lit himself a cigarette.
‘Not a good night,’ he muttered. His voice was deep and close to a growl, ‘Strange things happen in this sort of weather.’
The three of us shared a look – was that some sort of threat?
He noticed our worried glances and smiled, ‘Never mind me. I have a bit of a reputation for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.’ He wiped his right hand on his coat and offered it to us, ‘The name’s Gharl.’

Neither Sarah nor Alex made to return the gesture. I hesitated, then shook his hand, ‘I’m Tess. This is Sarah and Alex.’
My two friends nodded, wordlessly.

‘Nice to meet you… so, what brings you three out here in this storm?’
Talking to Gharl – despite the odd name and appearance – had an almost soothing effect on me. Civilisation – no matter how basic – still existed outside of my memory. ‘We’re stuck here,’ I sighed, ‘Have no money left for a bus home.’
‘Ah, no problem. I know this bus driver, I’ll get him to give you a free lift.’

Both Sarah and Alex suddenly found their voices, ‘You could do that?’ Alex asked excitedly.
Gharl smiled, ‘I’m not one for lying.’
Sarah threw her arms around the old man and hugged him, voicing her thanks as she did so.

I smiled, ‘How long till the bus gets here?’ I asked.
‘Oh, not long,’ Gharl said, ‘Not long-’

His voice disappeared. My vision faded… replaced by blackness. All around me, consuming.. I could see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing.
And then… a sudden light. Shining on me. Me alone. Like a spotlight, something you’d expect to see in a play as the heroine broke into a song.

I tried to say something. Nothing came out.
I tried to shout something.
I screamed

Noiselessly I opened and closed my mouth, crying for help.

What was going on?

A noise... I could hear something. Immediately, I closed my mouth.
A voice... A girl’s voice. Saying something…

My name? Over… and over…
The voice was chilling. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

The darkness lifted slightly. I could see just in front of me. A mirror. A small, dirty mirror, reflecting my face.

And the voice was still speaking. Whispering.
Just repeating my name…

‘Teeeeeeesssssssssssss…’


‘-at all.’
I blinked as everything returned to normal. I looked around, dazed. No one else had noticed anything. Indeed, it seemed that no time at all had passed.
I felt numb. My senses were slowly returning, but I didn’t like what they were telling me. I felt ill, like I was about to throw up.
I wobbled uncertainly on my seat. I slipped off it, my balance finally giving up, and landed painfully on the hard, wet floor.
‘Tess!’ Sarah shouted, jumping from her seat and rushing to my side. Alex came right after and hunched over me, ‘What’s wrong?’

I could see head lights and lolled my head to the side, giving me a better view of the road. The bus was coming down the road, rattling and crashing.
‘Here, you can have a lie in the bus,’ Gharl said, steeping closer to the curb to signal to the driver.

The bus came closer, swerved suddenly and smashed into Gharl.

At the speed the bus was going, he hadn’t a chance in hell of surviving. His broken body landed near us, limbs at an awkward angle, a bloodied bone protruding from one arm. His entire face seemed to have collapsed in on itself.

The bus carried on. Driving – seemingly oblivious – at a dangerous speed.
Sarah screamed.
Alex screamed.
I did nothing. I hadn’t the strength.

*

It was midnight now. We had moved away from the bus stop – we couldn’t stand the sight of Gharl’s ruined form lying in a pool of blood. We had left as soon as I felt fit enough to walk.
We had no idea what to do. We had no way of calling the emergency services – or indeed anyone at all – and couldn’t find another soul in the entire area. We were in the high street still – we walked and walked, and still we hadn’t come to any houses. It was nothing short of creepy.

A mounting terror was building up inside me. I could tell Sarah and Alex were feeling it too, but I had it worse. They weren’t hearing voices. They weren’t having hallucinations.

The terrible death had left a mark on us. We weren’t saying a word. We weren’t walking with the same conviction we had before. I felt lost, confused and terrified. No doubt the other two felt it too.

I opened my mouth to speak, to wonder why the bus had suddenly swerved, but then closed it again. I couldn’t put the question into words.

To my right was an opening in the endless wall of shops. An alleyway.
I stopped and glanced down it. There was extremely little light. But it was narrow – and it would give us shelter.
I nodded towards it, ‘We could stay in there a while,’ I suggested.
My two friends nodded mutely.

The alley was only wide enough for two of us to stand side by side, so we led in single file instead. Myself in front, Sarah in the centre and Alex trailing behind.
I could hardly see. Images of someone attacking me started to fill my mind’s eye… but was then replaced by the image of Gharl lying on the floor. I shook myself, trying to rid myself of such morbid thoughts.

The alley came to a dead end. There was no one else in there – we had it all to our self.
The darkness was spooky, but the wind didn’t bite quite so hard here, nor did the rain fall so heavy.

‘I don’t like it here…’ Sarah muttered, eyeing the dank alleyway nervously, ‘No where to run too.’
I turned to face her, ‘Look, no one’s going to hurt us.’
‘Tell that to Gharl…’

I shuddered, the gruesome image of our short met friend hovering in my mind. The bus must have hit him deliberately – but why? Why was always the question.
I shuddered again. There was a killer out in this town, and he – or she – had a bus to do their work with.
Although tight, the alleyway seemed horrible open – could a bus fit down here? It would make short work of the two of us.

… two… of us?

‘Where’s Alex?’ I gasped, my heart suddenly pounding. Sarah spun around – obviously she too hadn’t noticed the absence of our friend either – and let out a cry. I was sure Alex had followed us down…
‘Maybe he stepped outside..?’ I suggested, not really believing it myself.
I edged past the quivering Sarah and lightly called out Alex’s name.
No reply. Nothing but darkness and Sarah’s quiet whimpering.

I stepped in something sticky. Heart in throat, I glanced down. On the hard pavement lay… what looked like…
It looked liked flesh. A smallish, flat sheet of flesh, bloodied and ripped. My heart went insane in my chest. Sarah slunked over to check out what I was so horrified about…
‘Wha… what’s that?’ she stammered.
‘I think,’ I muttered, ‘That used to be Alex.’

That was too much for her. She slipped off to the side and threw up, her body shaking uncontrollably.

Of course, I hoped – prayed – that the sickly mess on the floor hasn’t originated from my friend. But deep inside my heart, I had no doubt. Was Alex still alive? I doubted it – what had to be most the skin off his back lying on the floor.

So where was the rest of him? And why hadn’t we heard anything?

My legs shook. I had to lean against the wall until my head stopped swimming.
‘I want to get out of here…’ Sarah said. I looked at her – she was crying, tears ran freely down her face.
‘Yes,’ I blinked hard, holding back my own tears.

We sprinted, winding hitting us hard, water slapping our faces, breathing ragged, fear chasing our hearts. Across the pavement, not daring to stray into the road, into street lamp, out of, into. Light, darkness, light. Cold, heartless buildings surrounded us. Not another human in sight – both good and bad. Where was the rest of civilisation? Police? Help?

Sarah was just in front of me. She was slowing down, running out of fuel. She stumbled and hit the ground hard. I stood by her, heart racing. Glancing all around – watching out for an attacker.

Everything blacked out again. I screamed and screamed and screamed.
And no noise came out.

I could see no where. I felt around on the floor for Sarah. She wasn’t here. I was here alone.
No… not alone. There was… someone else.
I could hear them, breathing, gasping for air, their rattling breath coming closer and closer to me.

Last time I was here, Gharl died.
What about Sarah? I had to help her! I had to get out!

The breathing was coming closer. Closer, closer, closer.

I screamed, ‘Let me go! Please!’ I called for help. But I still could not even hear my own voice.

I felt a hand brush my arm. I screamed and jumped away. The breathing was close – right next to me.
I could feel the horrible air being exhaled on my face. I whimpered.
And then…

Pain.


The real world swam back into focus. The pain was gone, but the memory still fresh in my mind. Sarah was still lying on the floor, her eyes wide, staring behind me horrified.
My first thought – someone’s behind me! I’m dead!

But then I realised…
She wasn’t staring behind me. No, she was staring at me…

‘Tess?’ Sarah asked, her voice not above a whisper. Slowly, she started to crawl backwards, away from me.
I wanted to ask her what was wrong… but then it hit me…
I couldn’t move! I was paralysed!

But no… I began to slowly walk forwards. I could feel my muscles working in my body, but I wasn’t the one controlling them…
I tried to cry. I tried to scream. But nothing happened. My body firmly refused to do what I said. Instead, it worked on its own.
I was just a passenger, forced to watch.

Sarah was still backing away from me, apparently unable to tear her eyes from my face. I walked forwards, slowly, fluidly.
I stopped and knelt down. Slowly, my hand reached out and grasped Sarah by her throat.
Silently, I cried ‘No no no!’ in my mind, silent to all but myself.

Sarah stopped moving. She was too afraid – she could do nothing but lay there, quiver and cry. With horribly grace, my free hand pulled back…
My senses were still working perfectly. And it made it all the worse.

I could feel it as my as my hand was shoved through my friend’s check, I felt her flesh tear as my hand ripped through it. I felt every splash of blood upon my form. I hear every scream, every cry. I saw it all, crystal clear.

My hand gripped Sarah’s jaw, and jerked back, almost ripping her jaw clean off. She was no longer able to scream.
Inside my head, I wept.
Working methodically, my hand gripped what was left of her mouth, palm over her nose, fingers over her top set of teeth, finger tips on the roof of her mouth.
My hand ripped back, yanking her head back, snapping her neck further than it should go, killing her.

My work done… I stepped back.
Slowly, I realised that I had control of my body again…

I collapsed by the corpse of Sarah, crying openly now. No time for thoughts, no time for musings – just time for weeping and screaming. I writhed on the floor, unable to cope with what I had done.

The rain fell heavily still, mixing with Sarah’s blood, thinning it out. I was frozen through – my sense of touch had finally gone numb.

After an age, I slowly stopped crying. Shuddering, I clambered to my feet.
I had no idea what to do. Shivering violently, I walked slowly forwards, dragging myself on.

I had stopped thinking – I had made one final decision, and just stopped my mind from doing any more work. I knew what I had to do. One word rung over and over in my head.

Suicide.

How could I live with what I’d done? How could I live with the idea that I could do it again?
I couldn’t. I had to end it, as soon as possible.

I walked for… I don’t know how long I walked for. I can’t remember.
But eventually, I came to a squat building. The lights were on inside.

As I came nearer, I saw that it was a public toilet. I hoped that it was unlocked. As I stumbled towards it, I pressed my still bloodied hand against it. The door swung open easily.

Inside, it was brightly lit. In bad condition – all public toilets are – with graffiti scribbled over the walls. No matter though, I hadn’t come for the scenery.
On the left, a number of small, dirty mirrors were attached on the wall.
They would do.

As I got closer to it, my memory sparked into life.
Those mirrors… they looked exactly like the ones I had seen the first time I had… well, the first time everything went black.
I walked over and peered into it. My face stared back.

Nothing happened for a number of seconds… and then the mirror swirled.

And my reflection was replaced by…
Pale, scabbed skin. Messy, long, rank, black hair. Pale lips, eyes closed. The figure – the girl – in the mirror was breathing. Deeply, badly, a rattling breath.
Slowly her eyes opened, and she stared back at me. Her eyes were bloodshot, her iris a dark red colour.
She bared her teeth – rows of horrible sharp things – and let out a terrible scream.

I screamed too, loud and clear, my voice bouncing off the hard walls. I punched the mirror with all my strength. It hurt like hell, but it smashed.
I reached down and picked up one of the shards. The girl was still screaming, but I ignored her.

I gripped my shard and plunged it into my wrist, digging into the artery.
Blood spurted, warm, fresh. I sat back heavily, feeling sick. My wrist was spurting blood, my head spun, I blinked uneasily.
And blacked out.

*

I woke up, eyes snapped open. Breathing raggedly, I let out a scream. I clambered up into a sitting position and stared around.

It took a couple of seconds, but I eventually recognised my room. My bedroom.
I tried to calm down; I gave a sort of quiet laugh.
It had all be a dream. Nothing more. Admittedly, it had been a terrible nightmare, but it was over now. All gone.

My door opened, the light snapped on. I squinted painfully against it.
‘Honey? Honey, are you okay?’ a voice wafted in.

My breathing calmed, ‘I’m okay dad. It was just… just a nightmare.’
My dad sat down on my bed, ‘Anything you want to talk about?’
‘No. No, I’m okay now. I’m awake.’

My dad gave a sleepy smile.
‘Did I wake you?’ I asked.
He laughed quietly, ‘I think you’ve woken up half the street. That was some scream.’

I laughed. Relief had filled my body, banishing all the terror and anguish I had felt. ‘I’m okay now,’ I said, ‘Really.’
I glanced at the digital figures by my bed, it was only just three in the morning.

‘Back to bed then?’ Dad asked.
‘Yeah, of course.’

I lay back down, making myself comfortable. My dad turned off the light, closed the door.
With a slight smile, I ran my finger over my left wrist, where I had plunged the glass shard in the dream.

I paused.

There was a fresh scar there.
Last edited by Sureal on Fri Nov 25, 2005 6:29 pm, edited 5 times in total.
I wrote the above just for you.
  





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Mon Nov 07, 2005 3:04 pm
Sureal says...



Yay I won!
But it was won by default again... why does no one else take part in these things?


Also, no comments...
*cries*
I wrote the above just for you.
  





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Tue Nov 08, 2005 9:35 pm
Shriek says...



Haha, congrats on the win by default.
This was a very enjoyable read. Kind of morbid in some parts, but overall pretty suspenseful. I felt that the beginning was a little bit slow. There were a bunch of typos/grammatical errors in the beginning especially I noticed, which might be a reason for my thinking that. Things didn't really start to gain momentum until Gharl was introduced. It was there that you grabbed my full attention.

The plot in itself confused me. There seemed to be a bunch of plot holes, the biggest being, who is the true killer here? Obviously the force that was controlling Tess, but did it also operate the bus that killed Gharl and kill Alex as well? And what was the force, exactly? I don't know, I feel that if that were specified, you would have a much more solid plotline.

The descriptive writing that you have here is pretty good. For example:
And my reflection was replaced by…
Pale, scabbed skin. Messy, long, rank, black hair. Pale lips, eyes closed. The figure – the girl – in the mirror was breathing. Deeply, badly, a rattling breath.
Slowly her eyes opened, and she stared back at me. Her eyes were bloodshot, her iris a dark red colour.
She bared her teeth – rows of horrible sharp things – and let out a terrible scream.

I screamed too, loud and clear, my voice bouncing off the hard walls. I punched the mirror with all my strength. It hurt like hell, but it smashed.
I reached down and picked up one of the shards. The girl was still screaming, but I ignored her.


That was excellent. Disturbing, full of imagery.
Nice work here. Clean up the grammatical errors (and possibly that plothole?) and this will be wonderful.
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.
  





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506 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9907
Reviews: 506
Thu Nov 10, 2005 4:46 pm
Sureal says...



I'm actually not supprised that you found the begining quite slow. I quite liked the very begining part, but couldn't figure out how to then connect it to the killing part of the story.
So I just shrugged, sat down and wrote until I got there (which is where Gharl came from). This is why you should really plan a story before you write it ;).

I'm planning on going back over this, so I should hopefully be able to speed up the begining (or at least, make it more interessting) and also fix all the spelling/grammar errors :).

As for the killer - well, I do actually hope to write future instalments, which would explain it all out better. But for the time being, it's easiest just to accept that the killer is supernatural, and as such has supernatural ways of killing ;).
I wrote the above just for you.
  





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Thu Nov 10, 2005 7:18 pm
Emma says...



Whoa, I could see it all in my mind, and it wasn't a very pretty site. I love the fact how you hooked me. I was so sad when the homeless man died, how could you?!

I think this is a mistake, not sure but, what the hell. :P

I wobbled uncertainly on my sit. I slipped off it, my balance finally giving up, and landed painfully on the hard, wet floor.
‘Tess!’ Sarah shouted, jumping from her seat and rushing to my side. Alex came right after he hunching over me, ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked.


Is that meant to be seat?

Anyway, hurry up with the next bit. I would like to know why and what happens next. Good work on the description of the blood and the tearing of the jaw. Your descriptions remind me a little of Lord Loss and Darren Shan. :shock:
  





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Fri Nov 11, 2005 4:26 pm
Sureal says...



Ah, thanks for the mistake. I'm going over this is a second, so I'll be sure to fix that.

Reminds of your Darren Shan's writing? Well, seeing as he's a very successful author (plus I loved Lord Loss), I'm gonna go and take that as a big compliment ;).
I wrote the above just for you.
  





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Fri Nov 11, 2005 4:44 pm
Emma says...



You should, because he is amazing. ;) Now hurry up, damnit.
  





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506 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9907
Reviews: 506
Fri Nov 25, 2005 6:33 pm
Sureal says...



Okay, I've edited the story. It's mostly grammar errors really, though I put in some spelling ones too.

If you spot any spelling and/or grammar mistakes, please post 'em :).
I wrote the above just for you.
  








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