Young Writers Society

Inspiration: The Bohemian by William-Adolphe Bouguereau
For Hannah's Art Imitates Art contest;
Entry #1
.
hurry along, now—this is no place for song;
just a swampy mess of bargains and businessmen,
haggling for their daily bread and selling their souls
for anything that glitters.
their eyes blaze like burning bridges;
who knew avarice was so flammable?
.
the only tune you can play for them is bitter, and their ears
are too swollen with whispers of wealth,
too stuffed with gilded cotton
to hear it properly.
.
walk amidst beaming couples, adorned like holiday decorations;
if you stand close enough, maybe you can catch a whiff of her perfume.
wouldn’t that make it all better?
and, while we’re here, let the grinning fool toss you a penny—
maybe you’ll even do a trick for him.
.
notes fall from your pockets as you go;
the world’s saddest song, perfect fifths
clunking clumsily to the pavement
and dissolving like drying tears.
.
your steps are precise as length times width times height—
over-analyzed and over-organized data.
you can calculate the asphalt’s absolute value
just by adding every scrape or scar your bare feet have earned,
and dividing by the calluses on your fingertips.
.
it would be such a shame to stumble now;
keep your eyes on the prize (or the ground—
whichever is easier),
and fiddle around for your last defense—your bow,
equipped with melodies, not arrows.

Hello Evi!

So, this was very nice and I enjoyed it a lot! I don't think I've read many things by you, which is a shame, but then again, I could read and review more YWS things in general anyway.

I really like the beginning stanza. The first line is catchy – the only thing that bothered me slightly was the "anything that glitters", to me it seemed a bit too vague. Otherwise, the stanza was good.

wouldn’t that make it all better?

This is quite wordy and jumbly, and while I don't know whether you intended it to be so, it disturbs me a little.

In the third stanza, a really pedantic thing that I want to whine about is how you had "beaming couples" and "grinning fool". I wish I could ignore my nitpicky ear, but to me that is enough to make something sound repetitive. I mean, the fact that you had "[insert verb]ing [insert noun]", if you didn't understand that from my rambling.

clunking clumsily to the pavement

I usually don't mind alliteration at all (heh), but I felt it was too strong here. *shrugs* Oh and there's also an adverb. Kill. >=)

Ah, the fifth stanza! I love it! But:

over-analyzed and over-categorized data.

Over-categorized falls into the box of jumbly words as well. I hope you could find another, smoother word for it. :/

keep your eyes on the prize (or the ground—
whichever is easier).

I can't say I'm the biggest fan of this ending. I mean, it's fun, but I don't think it fits too well in the rest of the poem and the general atmosphere. However, it's up to you what to do with it.

So, this is all for now! Good luck on the contest and thanks for the read, because I really liked this poem!


Demeter
x

Hey Evi ^^ Shina here to do a review for you I'm a bit rusty on poetry, so

I checked out the rules for Hannah's contest, so I'm going by

- Choose three pieces of art from any category of visual or performance art [try to stay away from text-only pieces] that have inspired or pleased you.
- Research a bit about the piece if you haven't already -- find out what movements it was a part of, what message it attempts to communicate, or what techniques were unique to it.
- Begin on your journey to write three parallel pieces of writing [poetry or fiction] inspired by these three pieces of art.

I. Nitpicks

hurry along, now—this is no place for song;

I like the beginning, particularly because it made me notice the woman in the painting had a violin. *wasn't looking closely*

just a swampy mess of bargains and businessmen,
haggling for their daily bread and selling their souls
for all that glitters.

I have to agree with Dems on this one. "All that glitters" just pops out at me, totally ruining the flow. Plus, I feel the rhythm is off here.

On terms of meaning, "all that glitters" could be a lot of things. Who knows? You might be referring to cubic zirconium. On top of that, the line "all that glitters" puts "is not gold" in the reader's mouth.

their eyes blaze like burning bridges;
who knew avarice was so flammable?

Hehe, love the last the line.

you can only play a bitter tune, and their ears
are too swollen with whispers of wealth,
too stuffed with gilded cotton,
to hear it properly.

The first line kind of confuses me. Are you trying to say that she's not a skilled violinist, or the only song she can play for everyone is bitter?
I'll also mention that the comma after "cotton" feels like it doesn't belong when I read it aloud. For some reason, with that comma there, it makes the last line feel so empty, like a sudden stop.

walk amidst beaming couples, adorned like holiday decorations;
if you stand close enough, maybe you can catch a whiff of her perfume.

You go from beaming couples, to her perfume. Reword?

wouldn’t that make it all better?
and, while we’re here, let the grinning fool toss you a penny—
maybe you’ll even do a trick for him.

This poem seems to shine more and more light on the picture.

notes fall from your pockets as you go;

I think this is my favorite line.

your steps are precise as length times width times height—
over-analyzed and over-organized data.
you can calculate the asphalt’s absolute value
just by adding every scrape or scar your bare feet have earned,
and dividing by the calluses on your fingertips.

This is a very clever stanza, but I don't feel it fits in with the rest of the poem. It goes from a classical tone to a witty mathematician. Plus, I don't understand why her footsteps are precise and what this has to do with math, really.

it would be such a shame to stumble now;
keep your eyes on the prize (or the ground—
whichever is easier),
and fiddle around for your last defense—your bow,
equipped with melodies, not arrows.

Great finish. This stanza definies the moral of the poem.

II. Overall

The main problem with this, I found, was finding the moral of the poem. Obviously, I discovered it at the end, but in the other stanzas I found myself a bit scrambled. However, it definitely shed some light on the history, on the story of the painting.

Good luck in the contest ^^

-Shina

I am a total newbie at poetry, but I really, really loved this piece.

Evi wrote:haggling for their daily bread and selling their souls
for anything that glitters.

I am enchanted by these two lines.
For anything that glitters is a little off-rhythm but I like the idea of anything that glitters, and if you take everyone else's advice and re-word I would ask you to not deviate too far from the original line. I really liked it.

Evi wrote:the only tune you can play for them is bitter, and their ears
are too swollen with whispers of wealth,
too stuffed with gilded cotton
to hear it properly.

This reminds me of the part in the Odyssey when, at Odysseus' mansion one of the minstrels starts to compose a song about the grief of the Trojan war, and Penelope, on the verge of tears, insists that he sing something of a happier tune.
I got the impression that your song was too full of sadness and, I don't know, the parts of life that can't be counted or measured or placed in a satchel.
This was my favorite stanza.

Evi wrote:notes fall from your pockets as you go;
the world’s saddest song, perfect fifths
clunking clumsily to the pavement
and dissolving like drying tears.

My second-favorite stanza. It has the same thread of emotion as my other favorite one but continues to develop the... plot?

Evi wrote:your steps are precise as length times width times height—
over-analyzed and over-organized data.

I don't love either of these lines; they both feel really wordy and almost superfluous.

Evi wrote:it would be such a shame to stumble now;
keep your eyes on the prize (or the ground—
whichever is easier),
and fiddle around for your last defense—your bow,
equipped with melodies, not arrows.

That just made my day. The most beautiful stanza ever created.
Your stanzas kind of switched off- one mathmatecial, one lyrical, on and on. It was a beautiful way to portray two jarring viewpoints in one piece.
I hope you win something for this. Good luck in the contest,
*******The Universe*********

Hi Evi,

Hahahahahahaha.

Don't have time for a real critique right this moment, but watch this space.

Hope that helped,
Galerius