Papillion (chapter 1)

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49345
Reviews 547
You can read the prologue. I don't think you have to, but it might help you understand a little.

Chapter 1: The Hatching Ball

“You look beautiful.” So do you, I thought, but my lips wouldn’t allow it to escape. One reason was that I hated him and the fact that I loved him at the same time. The second was that even though I had put in hours of work to silken my hair and dig the dirt from my fingernails, he still looked better than me.

His dark brown hair was pushed to the back of his head with gel, allowing his bright blue eyes to stand out. His sharp nose looked like a razor, and his jaw line was obviously shaped by it. His firm, toned body was covered in a midnight-black tuxedo with a cream cummerbund to match my dress.

My dress that was a few shades darker than my off-white skin. My cream dress that matched my red streaked hair –or at least made it look better. It gave me the appearance of a young, thin and beautiful that didn’t have mountains of muscles on her arms and legs.

I took his hand and let him lead me to the ball. The Hatching Ball that would announce me and my partner’s graduation, or our completion of training. No more torturous lessons from Rainer, our master, and no more surprising tests from the Committee. Just me and Einar alone to take on the Antimite and fulfill the quest that issued our reason to be born.

He led me up the long dirt road to the Ballroom, which was only used one night of the year, this night. It was a magnificent marble box building with very little windows, but enough columns to cover up the empty walls. Huge stairs, the same stone of the building, led up to a magnificent dark brown double door. I could see the golden surroundings of the ball, and all the beautifully dressed trainers dancing with their partners. Einar looked at me questioningly.

“Yes, I am ready to go.” Since we were practically born together, I felt as though I could read his mind. Rainer had once told me that was how all trainers felt. He let my hand go so I could lift up my floor-length dress, and took it again at the top of the stairs as we entered through the door.

The room was glowing. I felt as though I just struck gold in this magnificent room. Every trainer that usually looked dirty and smelled bad was dressed to occasion. The girls were in pretty dresses, all more magnificent than mine, and the boys in tuxes with cummerbunds and bow ties to match their partners. Everyone was beautiful, for once in our lives.

I was pulled away from my gawking. Einar was leading me to the center of the room. As we got closer to our destination, he started to sway along to the classical music. He pulled me closer and let my head rest on his broad shoulder. And just like that, he had brought me into a dream.

But, like any dream, reality took its course. Someone pulled hard on my shoulder and ripped me away from my Einar. “Andie-who are you dancing with?” Rainer peered at Einar’s hair with disgust. “Where’s your blue?”

“The gel made it darken.” he lied, “it naturally disappeared.” Einar turned to me and smiled, hoping for me to laugh along. Of course I did, Einar and I always ganged up on Rainer. Truth was he died it just for tonight. But, given out powers, it would turn back to blue by morning.

Einar possessed the power of ice. He could freeze things by a single touch. Once, when Rainer was trying to grab his hand and instruct him how to punch properly, Einar took hold of his bare leg, and it froze up completely. Everything he touched turned to ice.

The only reason I was able to touch him was because I had the power of fire. My body was hot enough to cross out his cold, and his was cold enough to withstand my burning skin. We were perfect together, like partners should be.

But, Rainer wasn’t in the playful mood, “well, never mind that. Andie, I need to talk to you.” Rainer grabbed my gloved hand and pulled me away, leaving Einar alone on the dance floor, awestruck. I looked into his eyes, and could see pain and anger. At me.

“Why won’t you let Einar join in on our conversations?” I was practically begging him as he led me into the room of records, where information of every trainer and master was held. I had always wondered where it was, and now realized it made sense to be in such an important place. Stacks of paper were scattered all over the room whose walls were covered in books. One large machine sat on a desk, the screen blinking with words. I told myself to ask Rainer what that was later.

“Andie,” Rainer held my hands with the gentleness he always used with me. He was always tougher on Einar, though, because I was stronger, and the one everyone had hope and trust in. “You have to realize. You won the tournament and you beat him. You are the leader now. You have to make decisions that he never will. And, you have one of your biggest to make right now.”

“What?” His eyes looked down as if he didn’t want to see my reaction to whatever it was he had to tell me.

“You trust me as your master, don’t you? You trust me that I have made all the right decisions for you and have prepared you for the worst.” I nodded, “Well, there is something very bad happening tonight. The Antimite have finally located us. They are heading here now. And they are after you, and Einar, of course.”

I shook my head. “No, there’s no way they could single out one pair. I mean, there is nothing important or different about us.”

“Do you remember what I told you on first day of training?” I nodded, not wanting to talk. I felt as though he was finally losing his eighty-seven-year-old mine. “You remember that you and Einar are the first Ice and Fire pair in over seventy years? And that the Antimite killed the last pair instantly? Do you want to know why?” I shook my head. I really didn’t want to know, but he obviously needed to tell me. “Because the Antimite killed them. They were scared they would defeat them. Because, Andie, the prophesy of planet Papillion is that team fire and ice will defeat the Antimite.” Rainer looked down again, with tears in his eyes. “And they were also my trainers. And I could not protect them. That is why I have to protect you.” He looked up again. He was telling the truth. “And, of course Einar.”

I didn’t think I was ready. I didn’t even know how to use my real sword, which I had just been given a few days ago to replace my ordinary training sword. I barely remembered its name, Rassembler. I thought of Einar and how happy he would be to find out we were not only going to fight for our planet, but also lead the revolution. At least I knew he would believe we would lead it. But my gut didn’t tell me I was the one. It didn’t even tell me I was close to being the one.

“What do I have to do?”

“Leave everyone and everything behind, or stay, fight with the others, and probably die. Your choice.”




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44887
Reviews 816
Hey Classy, Pink here! :D
“You look beautiful.” So do you, I thought, but my lips wouldn’t allow it to escape. One reason was that I hated him and the fact that I loved him at the same time. The second was that even though I had put in hours of work to silken my hair and dig the dirt from my fingernails, he still looked better than me.

Okay, I think you should start a new sentence after the "you look beautiful" part because that isn't her speaking, it's someone else and then her thoughts can come later, I think it flows better.
His sharp nose looked like a razor, and his jaw line was obviously shaped by it.

I think razor is some odd imagery, that could just be me though...
my dress.



My dress that was a few shades darker than my off-white skin

I sort of don't like the repetition of my dress, in the previous ending sentence and then the beginning of the next. Also, because you added 'that was' you should explain 'what'.
My dress that was a few shades darker than my off-white skin was...blah blah. Stopping the sentence there is a bit odd. :)
It gave me the appearance of a young, thin and beautiful that didn’t have mountains of muscles on her arms and legs.

young, thin and beautiful what? lol, girl? princess, women?
The Hatching Ball that would announce me and my partner’s graduation, or our completion of training.

I think you should delete 'that'
“The gel made it darken.” he lied, “it naturally disappeared.”

comma after darken. Capitalize the first letter in every quotation mark. "She said" "He said"
"The gel made it darken,"he lied, "It naturally disappeared."
See? :)
Truth was he dyed it just for tonight. But, given out powers, it would turn back to blue by morning.
The only reason I was able to touch him was because I had the power of fire. My body was hot enough to cross out his cold, and his was cold enough to withstand my burning skin. We were perfect together, like partners should be.

Ahh, this is kinda cool!
But, Rainer wasn’t in the playful mood, “well, never mind that. Andie, I need to talk to you.”

Note what I said about capitalization.
________________________________________________
Alright, this was pretty interesting! You know, with the whole teams and stuff, fire and ice. It's cool.
I think you need to work on your characterization, right now I can't really feel any connection with them or relate much. Try bringing out more of Andie's emotions and such.
Work a little bit more on your flow and strengthen your sentence structure.
In my opinion I think the whole prophecy thing came in a little to fast, maybe that was the way you wanted it to be. It definitely gives the story a huge push but that can also backfire later on. Other than that, I really like where this is going, keep it up, Classy, PM me when you write more!

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1030
Reviews 1260
Hello there, fellow Hunger Games actress! :)
Here is your review, as promised.

It was a little boring at the start, but then it got better. Your descriptions fell into excess, as you made the mistake of placing an adjective in front of nearly every word. Although adjectives are good, some things are better when left un-described. Tell me, which sounds better?

I held the lavender cup tightly in my smooth hand, taking a generous sip of orange-colored chai tea


or

I held the lavender cup in my hand, taking a sip of chai tea


It would be the second one. Why? Well, with the second sentence, I eliminated a lot of adjectives that are not needed as they immediately come to mind when thinking of the word. For example, we know chai tea is orange. We know you would have to hold a cup tightly, so the tea doesn't spill, right?

This was heavy in the first couple of paragraphs, but like I said, you got better at the end, and it really is a promising story with an intriguing premise. PM me when the next part is up.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1694
Reviews 7
Personally i think you gave away too much if this is the first chapter of a novel/novella, also i think you have described too much. Like the review above said do you really need an adjective with every thing you mention, in many ways it is better to leave it to the imagination of the reader rather than guiding them through every single scene.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49345
Reviews 547
Yeha, haha. I have a problem with over describing things. Thanks you guys!




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1343
Reviews 4
I like the way you write and the way you describe things. The chapter is really cute and the way you began is well. I really like it. I'll go and read chapter 2 if you post it! :D
No Rain No Rainbow...
...No Smile No Laughter

Have you heard of the Fantasyium?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Well, hullo there. Guess who I be?

I. NITPICKS

One reason was that I hated him and the fact that I loved him at the same time.


The sentence structure here is a bit odd. Change it.

It gave me the appearance of a young, thin and beautiful


Young thin and beautiful what, exactly?

Truth was he died it just for tonight.


dyed.

Everything he touched turned to ice.


Everything? Like, door handles and stuff? And food? Because that's rather inconvenient- I assume you know the story of King Midas...

his eighty-seven-year-old mine.


mind.

“Because the Antimite killed them.


The reason for the Antimite killing them is the Antimite kiling them?

Okay...

II. RELATIONSHIPS

This is our first glimpse at the two that, I assume, end up being the fighting two in the prologue. They've grown up together, spent all their time fighting together. Andie says she both hates and loves Einar, but I didn't really get much of an idea as to why. Is it sibling rivalry, or a love-hate love affair? Do they bicker much, have they done so in the past? While you've got the ball, why not try to show us how they act round one another, if there's an imbalance of power in the relationship, if one's the leader and the other the follower, if there's a struggle between them, if there's conflict. You can never start building on this type of thing too early. Remember if there is conflict you plan on showing us later, it's already going to be showing signs at this point, so make sure it does.

And while you're at it, what about their relationship with Rainer? Is he a parent figure, a crazy old uncle or the guy they can't wait to get away from? Because he seems to be acting like all three. If they're leaving him soon, you might want to get this one settled as soon as possible.

III. OVERALL

It was good. Your characters are a little flat, but I'm relying on the fact that this is only the beginning to change that. Nice job :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



I want to see people turn and writhe; make them feel things they cannot see and sometimes do not know.
— Anna Held