impression #1: les gens de la ville (cityfolk)

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A/N: For Hannah's contest. I will be using three impressionist paintings for the poems I write for this contest -- one from Monet, one from Renoir, and one from Degas. Enjoy.
--

Image

the dandelions mature – whiskery and skinny as hobos and
when we walk outside, in the fields, burrs and foxtail heads stick
in our socks and we have to spend an hour afterward picking them out,
deliberate and hooked. we look out into the valley, the wildflowers tiny
and surreptitious, slumbering in their own veils of pollen like children
tucked in, and the great red poppies, swelling and steaming like
teakettles as the afternoon boils down to its last
tealeaves – the guilty clouds arranged in patterns
predicting the future and read as hieroglyphs.

the boy in the field is from the city, his stockings pulled up and
a little panama hat on his head. his mother walks beside him.
we pick the few stingy, yoked apples left in johnson's
field and we watch the pair head toward the pond, her yellow silks and scarves
blowing in tufts around her, as if she was some overladen bee.
her parasol hunts over the hills and the tips of the tallgrass and
the little boy squats and studies the kinesis of the beetles
and the damselflies, ruddering, rowing.

the apples at the bases of the trees are yellow, starchy, with plumbings
of wormholes and our elbows are red and scratched from climbing the old
apple trees. at the pond, where the padded lilies are white as kneecaps
and the little waterbugs steeple and dimple its undisturbed surface, the boy
floats toy boats that waver and the mother sets up an easel and a tray of
broken pastels and paints that she stirs up with fine, flexible brushes

and she watches us with our apples and our freckles,
climbing over johnson's fretful wire fence.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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I have to say, I liked this poem. I could truly get a sense for the setting and characters.
A few things, however:

"the dandelions mature-whiskery and skinny as hobos and
when we walk outside, in the fields, burrs and foxtail heads stick
in our socks and we have to spend an hour afterward picking them out,"

This seems a little choppy to me; yo might want to play with it for a little while.

Other than that, was it intentional that there was no capitalization?

Great poem!

~RedBird
And remember...A portkey can be any sort of harmless object...A football...or a dolphin.
~Snape, AVPM

"You are the egg, you are the chrysalis, you are the progeny. You are the rot that falls from stars."
~Will Henry, on Typhoeus magnificum




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Kylan,

It is late, and I don't have much time [or brain] for an indepth review for this. I'm familiar with this painting of Monet's, and I felt, in reading the poem that you were more or less describing the painting rather than giving an impression of it. I take is as this is the impression it has had on you, and don't mistake me; it's fairly done; I just expected more -- something stronger, subtly complex, you know? I find a lot of your poetry like paintings, that I have to illustrate in my mind and I felt that in some ways, you could have done better here.

It feels as if you need more meaning, more to this than what we can interpret for ourselves from the painting -- make us understand the back story more, through your eyes and interpretation.


- June

(Without realizing, I just gave you my 1000th review -- I should've paid more attention and done it while I was more awake).
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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I must say that I was very impressed with this poem. (I gave you a star!) There were so many instances where I was like, "Wow!" I really enjoyed reading your description and while you were supposed to give your impression of the painting, you painted a totally new one for me.

the dandelions mature – whiskery and skinny as hobos

and she watches us with our apples and our freckles,
climbing over johnson's fretful wire fence.


Just a few of my favorite lines. I really did enjoy this poem. The only thing that I had a real problem with was your obvious lack of capitalization. None of the beginning of sentences were capitalised, and you should have also capitalised Johnson and Panama. Obviously this is a very minor detail, but it did distract me from what I was reading. Other than that, I really enjoyed this!
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.




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Kylan, dear.

Off we go. ;)

You know the drill by now.

If there is something you cannot decipher from my handwriting, please tell me.

:D

Image

So, I love the over-all feeling of this poem. The imagery is particularly lovely. And, all-in-all the poem feels very french. Which is great.

What I think gives this poem the most oomph is the distinction between the speaker/narrator and the boy and his mother. There is a distance set between them, and yet we get a glimpse into the life of the boy and his mother through the eyes of the speaker. And, then at the end, the mother is the one watching the speaker rather than the speaker watching her, and I believe that brings the story within the poem full circle, making it round like one of the yellow, starchy apples.

Well done.

Hope this helps,
Cal.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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