Young Writers Society

***Seriously?!! How many old stories do I have on here? >_<


Two broad-shouldered, disfigured men stomped though an old log cabin, weapons hanging off their belts and in their muscular hands.
A petite young woman stood inside the house, ready for battle. “Get out of our house, you filthy Demons,” she spat, shining swords gripped firmly in her small, long-fingered hands.
“Why?” one questioned in a snake-like voice. “Afraid we’ll hurt your precious Sapphyra?”
Without a second thought, the red-headed woman rushed forward and pierced his chest with one of her swords. The creature chuckled. “I'm deformed,” he explained, amusement sparking in his sunken black eyes. "My heart doesn't have to be in my chest."
Gripping the handle tight, she pulled the bloody sword out of his deformed body. The young lady swung her swords at him, slashing his rough skin several times. Finally, she threw one sword at his neck. It was thrown with enough force that it went straight through his neck, making his rather large head roll to the ground. His decapitated body stood for one more moment, as if that part of the Demon were still alive and proud, then it too fell.
Before she could attack and murder the other Demon, another figure appeared behind him. The figure wasn’t as muscular as the other two, and it was also shorter.
When the shadowy person came into view, the woman gasped and fell against the wooden wall behind her. “Alezander?”
The figure--a man--smiled menacingly. His smile revealed some crooked teeth, which were one of his few physical imperfections. “Tanzic, leave us be,” he ordered the still-alive Demon.
What is going on? she thought, staring at him in shock. Why is he controlling this Demon? I thought I knew everything about you, but it doesn’t look like that now.... She wanted to burst into tears and fall to her knees.
“Yes, master,” the creature replied, bowing his head. He obediently walked outside and out of ear shot.
“Master?” Mary Helen repeated, confusion in her husky voice.
“Ah, yes, that is what I wanted to talk to you about.” He moved forward to stand in front of the minuscule woman. “You see--”
“But you’re an…an Angel,” Mary Helen said, ignoring Alezander. “You’re
supposed to rid the world of Demons, not use them as servants.”
“They’re very obedient once you train them, however,” said the mysterious man. He was dressed in solid black Angel fighting gear, his black wings sprouting from his back. His wings were tipped with crimson, as if they’d been dipped in human blood.
“I don’t understand. By doing that, you’re breaking every Code the Angels fought to make.” She just stared at him, dumbfounded and bewildered.
“Considering what you just explained, can you guess who I am?” He smirked and narrowed his eyes so only a sliver of blood red was showing.
She thought for a moment, still gazing straight into the eyes she always seemed to get lost in. What could you be? If you control Demons and are against the Angels, and you have wings and eyes like that--
“Get out,” she hissed through gritted teeth, still gripping the wall for support because her knees were buckling. “Get away from me and Sapphyra--as far away as you can.”
“No,” he answered stubbornly and arrogantly. He stepped closer and stared down at her. “I’ve come for a reason. I want you to come back with me.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said--”
“I know what you said, Zan,” she breathed. Her voice was almost a whisper. Anyone could’ve seen that she was trying not to cry. “But how could you ask such a thing?”
“Because I love you, and I want to be with you forever.”
“If you truly loved me, you would’ve confessed long ago, and you would never ask me to live there with you.” She was breathing heavily, her flat chest rising and falling rapidly. She could feel her now-broken heart beating against her rib cage. “I will never go to Demons’ birth place.” She paused, as if to catch her breath. “Besides, you don’t love me. You just want to own me.”
“Please, Mary Helen,” he begged, but a hint of anger flashed in his big dark eyes. “Don’t you love me?”
“I did,” she admitted, finally breaking eye contact to look at her hands. They were bleeding where she‘d clenched her fist so tight and stabbed herself with her fingernails. “But you lied to me this whole time. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He sighed heavily, as if he were about to tell a lengthy story. “I thought it didn’t matter for many years,” he explained. "Then I realized if you hated the true me, we would have to do something about that.” His eyes seemed to darken, and his tone was more menacing.
She looked confused.
He slowly pulled a sharp dagger from its sheathe, which hung at his waist. “I mean, one of us will have to die. And, considering I’m an Immortal, I think you know which one of us shall suffer the consequences.” His tone was grim now.
She sucked in her breath, not able to breathe easily. Something--or someone--was forcing her down on her knees.
“Any last words?” Alezander snickered.
Despite her trouble breathing, she managed to use her last breaths for words. “I love you, Sapphyra, and I always will.”
“Oh, yes, that reminds me: where is our daughter?”
Mary Helen’s eyes stretched wide open. “You wouldn’t dare hurt her.”
“Oh, I would.”
“No,” she breathed. “No!” With some new-found strength, she managed to stand up and lunge at Alezander.
Before she could inflict any serious pain to him, he stabbed her chest with the silver dagger. Unlike the Demon who had no heart, he just stared wide-eyed at him. He pushed the knife farther into her heart, making blood cover the blade, his hand, and the front of her blouse.
Suddenly, she ceased breathing and her pupils took over all the color of her blue eyes. She fell to the ground with a soft thump, the dagger handle sticking out of her chest. Savagely, Alezander jerked it out of her body. He stared at Mary Helen’s body, covered in red liquid now, then turned and started to walk down a hall. He walked to the end of the corridor, his boots clanging against the wooden floor. He slowly opened a light purple door. Inside, there was a tiny, fair-skinned baby in a crib. It wasn’t asleep--it was just staring at the ceiling. He walked over to it calmly, bloody dagger still in his hand.
“I’m awfully sorry, Sapphyra,” he whispered, looking down at the very small baby. She was almost a year old, but most people said she looked like a newborn. “You’re stupid mother decided your unfortunate fate.” With that, he lifted the baby’s limp head, which was covered in beautiful fair hair, and raised his dagger. As he started to bring the knife down, he stopped himself. "No," he whispered aloud. "Why would I kill you when I could use you?" He lay the knife down beside his daughter and gently picked her up, cradling her in his muscular arms. He stood still, thinking for a few seconds. An idea sparked in his mind. As he held the baby with one arm, he raised the other over her chest. A red light started to form from his hand to her chest. He said some magic words which were only known by him, then the light faded. He held his daughter for one more moment, then lay her back down in her pink crib. She let out a soft cry as he started to walk away.
"Don't worry, Sapphyra," he assured flatly, as if she could understand him and comprehend what he was saying. "Someone will find you." With that, he stalked out the door and left her.

Hey Leeanna, Pink here, as requested.


Nitpicks

Two broad-shouldered, disfigured men stomped through an old log cabin. It was fairly large, well-furnished too.

I think it'd be best if you either add some more description to the log cabin or just take it out. Or even combine it so it sounds a little smoother.

"Why?" one questioned in a hissing voice. He sounded like a snake talking. "Afraid we'll hurt your precious Sapphyra?"

I think it sounds better if you just put: he questioned in a snake-like voice.
But that's just me

___________________________
Overall
Your grammar and all is quite good, I could barely find anything that I really needed to nitpick on, besides a few suggestions.
One thing I'm quite confused about is why Alezander asked Helen to go to the dark word if he was just going to kill her. Obviously he doesn't love her, because he just killed her right? I mean there wasn't a point in asking her to stay with him, unless she would be of use. But if she was useful, he wouldn't have killed her right? Sorry, I just thought that was weird.
With that aside, I think this is quite an interesting setup. I like the Demon and Angel theme that's going on here, it's quite refreshing from all the vampire stuff that I keep hearing. Well, there isn't much left to say because this is just the prologue so I'll leave it here for now.
You did a wonderful job on this beginning, the descriptions were done quite well in my opinion. Keep it up!

~Pink

Hey Leeanna

She pulled the bloody sword out. She swung the swords at him, slashing his rough skin several times. Finally, she threw one sword at his neck. She had thrown it with enough force that it went straight through his neck, making his rather large head roll to the ground. - You started a lot of these sentences with 'She' after a while it gets a bit repetitive and pulls me out of the story. So perhaps you should consider rewording these sentences or reworking it so that there aren't so many Shes starting off the sentences.


The figure--a man--laughed. He had a very deep voice. It was quite handsome. "Yes, Mary Helen, I'm Alezander--your beloved husband." He smiled menacingly. "Tanzic, leave us be," he ordered the still-alive Demon. "I need to talk to my wife alone." - I think you may need to rethink this reveal. It seemed a little like I might have been watching a bad movie or something. The dialogue is very impersonal and emotionless and it's a type of reveal that has been done a million times. What I think also might help you here is if you give the reader some sort of idea about what is going on in the woman's head because then we would have some sort of reaction to it. As of now it passes by very quickly and I don't really care that he is her long lost husband or something. Whereas if I had some sort of emotion from the woman, then I might care more. I know nothing about these characters so it is difficult for me to be shocked.

"Let me explain," he offered, stepping a little closer to Mary Helen. "The Codes say that Angels should kill all Demon. We Angels also take an oath: 'I pledge to keep the world pure.' Well, I learned we don't have to keep the world pure to be free. We can use Demons as servants. Like I said, they're fairly obedient creatures." - This is an icky info dump in dialogue. It's weird that this guy would just randomly sit down and explain everything. It seems unnatural.

"I also learned something about myself," he continued, ignoring her glare. "I'm the King of Darkness. I'm supposed to control Demons, considering we're both from the Dark World. Speaking of which, you know the Dark World isn't just flames? It's actually quite beautiful." He paused. "If you would be willing," he continued slowly, looking straight into her blue eyes, "you could bring our daughter and come live there with me." - Here is another info dump within dialogue. I know it is tempting to put all this information into a character's dialogue but it just makes everything seem unnatural. Plus you are pushing all this information on a reader straight away. It's a bit much to take, especially as we know nothing about the characters. You need to hook your reader into the story with the prologue so they will stay around and read the rest of the book to find all this stuff out. Bombarding them with information full and emotionless dialogue is not going to work really.

"I did," she admitted, "but you lied to me. You've always known you were--no, are--the...King of Darkness, haven't you?" He grinned a little; it wasn't a friendly grin, however. "Yes, I have." - Again another awkward reveal. There are quite a lot of twists and turns in this prologue. Prologues, as I said before, are supposed to set up a world and hook the reader in not take them on so many twists and turns.

"You're stupid mother decided your unfortunate faith." - I think you may have meant fate instead of faith.

Characters - I think characters may be the reason why this piece didn't affect me all that much. Your characters don't have enough depth. I think that you haven't thought them through properly. What may be helpful is doing a character profile for each of them. Even if they may only appear in the prologue it will be useful to help your reader engage with the characters and probably care more when the woman meets her death at the end of the prologue. A character profile would include things such as looks, character traits, habits, likes, dislikes and so on. What I also found was lacking was a description of what the characters were thinking. Yes you kind of referenced it briefly but you didn't really go in depth. What I think really might help this prologue is if you were to describe the emotions that the woman is going through because she must be going through a lot of inner turmoil at the moment and it would give the reader a view into her character if you were to give us more of her thinking. You can still do this even though it isn't a first person piece. Also your bad guy is a little one dimensional and typical of most bad guys, so you may want to think of some way to mix that up and make it more original.

Dialogue - As I have mentioned before a lot of your dialogue is not that great. One thing you do, which you really shouldn't is that you dump all this information into the dialogue and like I said before this may seem like a good idea, just to get one of the characters to deal with all your exposition but it really pulls you out of the story and becomes boring to read. In a prologue I don't want someone to sit there just talking to me and telling me about all the back story. As I said before, I want to be hooked into the story and feel like I want to keep reading. Also your dialogue should show your characters emotions and a part of who they are. Otherwise your dialogue all blends into each other and just sounds the same. Everyone doesn't talk the same, people have different speech patterns and things that they refer to. For instance your antagonist could speak very eloquently and in a very fluid way. This would tell the reader that perhaps he is quite charismatic or point towards him being an angel. I doubt an angel would talk like a farmer but I suppose that is up to you. Also some of your dialogue is a bit unnatural and clunky, one thing I would advise for this is to read it our loud to yourself. If you stumble over words and find it difficult to say then your dialogue probably isn't all that good. Just think about how people actually talk and this will add believability to your piece and make your characters seem more real.

Pacing - The pacing was a a little odd, it jumped around a lot and you took the reader on quite a lot of twists and turns for a prologue. I would suggest perhaps cutting this down so you don't have so much dialogue that explains everything to the reader. Then you can save these key pieces of information to reveal later in the story and create interesting plots points or things for the main character to find out. That way you would probably have a much more impacting prologue.

Description - The description was pretty good. It was a bit clunky at times and didn't flow very well, so perhaps look at your piece and see how you can get the sentences to flow better. Also at the beginning you didn't particularly set it up well, setting wise and character wise because I was a bit confused as to what was going on and where. That may be something that you want to look over as well.

Overall I think the concept could potentially be very good. It seems like you have a good idea that you are working from, you just need to think about the execution of the piece more. I would perhaps advise reading a few prologues and see what kind of things writers do for prologues then you can get a better picture of how you want your prologue to go.

If you have any questions then feel free to PM me

Bex x

Hey Lee-Anna.Since I couldn't find anything to nitpick on that other people haven't I'm going to skip that part of the review and go straight to the meat of the review.

Description
Overall your description was pretty good but, it seemed uneven. You put a lot of description in one part of the story and not enough in other parts. This might be just a little problem nobody else would notice but me but, I think your story would flow and sound better if you evened it out a bit.Also you might want to use more descriptive and strong adjectives that would and could replace some of your other weaker ones.You might also want to think about adding more description to your characters.This might get readers to respond more to your story.
The Hook
The beginning of this prologue did not really make me feel excited about reading this piece.It spiked my curiosity but, if I was in a bookstore and just read the first sentence of this book I would most likely not buy it.So you might want to pay some attention to it.
Dialogue
Your dialogue is okay.It would be better if you gave each character their own voice.It might help you to watch tv and write down the different ways people talk and incorporate them into your story.
Characters
Your characters to me did not seem that personal.There wasn't a lot of distinguish between characters beside there different appearances. It might help you if you payed attention to characters in the books you are reading and maybe write little stories about them. Also pay special attention to how the authors developed them.

I hoped this helped you. Please keep me posted on your writing through PM or email.

-Morgan:)

Okay, I added more detail and didn't reveal as much information, considering it is a prologue. Thanks for all the help, guys!

Hi, I would just like to say that I really like your writing. I found a spelling mistake.

“I know what you said, Zan,” she breathed. He voice was almost a whisper.
did you mean Her and not He?

Other than that very good. I hope to read more soon.

leeanna13097 wrote:Two broad-shouldered, disfigured men stomped though an old log cabin, weapons hanging off their belts and in their muscular hands.
A petite young woman stood inside the house, ready for battle. “Get out of our house, you filthy Demons,” she spat, shining swords gripped firmly in her small, long-fingered hands.
“Why?” one questioned in a snake-like voice. “Afraid we’ll hurt your precious Sapphyra?”
Without and thought, Typo? the red-headed woman rushed forward and pierced his chest with one of her swords. The creature chuckled. “I'm deformed,” he explained, amusement sparking in his sunken black eyes love it!. "My heart doesn't have to be in my chest."
Gripping the handle tight, she pulled the bloody sword out of his deformed body. The young lady swung her swords at him, slashing his rough skin several times. Finally, she threw one sword at his neck. It was thrown with enough force that it went straight through his neck, this description could be stronger "that it sliced effortlessly through his neck" making his rather large head roll to the ground. His decapitated body stood for one more moment, as if that part of the Demon were still alive and proudLove this!, then it too fell.
Before she could attack and murder the other Demon, another figure appeared behind him. The figure wasn’t as muscular as the other two, and it was also shorter.
When the shadowy person would love to see a stronger description herecame into view, the woman gasped and fell against the wooden wall behind her. “Alezander?”
The figure --a man-- why not just commas?smiled menacingly. His smile revealed some crooked teeth, which were one of his few physical imperfections. “Tanzic, leave us be,” he ordered the still-alive how about just 'remaining'Demon.
What is going on? she thought, staring at him in shock. Why is he controlling this Demon? I thought I knew everything about you, but it doesn’t look like that now.... She wanted to burst into tears and fall to her knees.

this paragraph needs more, something to explain her connection to this Alezander, 'She felt....' why is it only a shock that Alezander controls the demons but not shocking that there are demons? Is your story's setting plaqued by these demons? How are you going to build on that? a simple added detail here and there could really help fill in the holes and capture your reader. 'She knew exactly how to deal with these demons, she'd been battling them for a decade now.' Just food for thought!

“Yes, master,” the creature replied, bowing his head. He obediently walked outside and out of ear shot.How does this girl automatically know Alezander is their leader? It it the stance he holds? Do they part for him to enter the room?
“Master?” Mary Helen repeated, confusion in her husky voice.
“Ah, yes, that is what I wanted to talk to you about.” He moved forward to stand in front of the minuscule woman. “You see--”
“But you’re an…an Angel,” Mary Helen said, ignoring Alezander. “You’re
supposed to rid the world of Demons, not use them as servants.”
“They’re very obedient once you train them, however,” said the mysterious man. He was dressed in solid black Angel fighting geararmor? I'm begging for more detail about this gear!, his black wings sprouting from his back. His wings were tipped with crimson, as if they’d been dipped in human blood.
“I don’t understand. By doing that, you’re breaking every Code the Angels fought to make.” She just stared at him, dumbfounded and bewildered.
“Considering what you just explained, can you guess who I am?” He smirked and narrowed his eyes so only a sliver of blood red was showing you should that he has blood red eyes to the description above so that this sentence will make more sense..
She thought for a moment, still gazing straight into the eyes she always seemed to get lost in. What could you be? If you control Demons and are against the Angels, and you have wings and eyes like that--More! I know this is already long but what is she feeling? your loosing you character, what is the look on her face like? Does she love him? Is she scared?
“Get out,” she hissed through gritted teeth, still gripping the wall for support because her knees were buckling. “Get away from me and Sapphyra--as far away as you can.”
“No,” he answered stubbornly and arrogantly. He stepped closer and stared down at her. “I’ve come for a reason. I want you to come back with me.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said--”
“I know what you said, Zan,” she breathed. Her voice was almost a whisper. Anyone could’ve seen that she was trying not to cry. “But how could you ask such a thing?”
“Because I love you, and I want to be with you forever.” this needs more building up to it. Does he take a step toward her? How is he looking at her? Straight in the eyes with love? Towards the ground with shame?
“If you truly loved me, you would’ve confessed long ago, and you would never ask me to live there with you.” She was breathing heavily, her flat chest rising and falling rapidly. She could feel her now-broken heart beating against her rib cage. “I will never go to Demons’ birth place.” She paused, as if to catch her breath. “Besides, you don’t love me. You just want to own me.”
“Please, Mary Helen,” he begged, but a hint of anger flashed in his big dark eyes. “Don’t you love me?”
“I did,” she admitted, finally breaking eye contact to look at her hands. They were bleeding where she‘d clenched her fist so tight and stabbed herself with her fingernails. you should mention earlier in the piece that she's balling her fists “But you lied to me this whole time. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He sighed heavily, as if he were about to tell a lengthy story. “I thought it didn’t matter for many years,” he explained. "Then I realized if you hated the true me, we would have to do something about that.” His eyes seemed to darken, and his tone was more menacing.
She looked confused.
He slowly pulled a sharp dagger from its sheathe, which hung at his waist. “I mean, one of us will have to die. And, considering I’m an Immortal, I think you know which one of us shall suffer the consequences.” His tone was grim now.
She sucked in her breath, not able to breathe easily. Something--or someone--was forcing her down on her knees.
“Any last words?” Alezander snickered.
Despite her trouble breathing, she managed to use her last breaths for words. “I love you, Sapphyra, and I always will.”
“Oh, yes, that reminds me: where is our daughter?”
Mary Helen’s eyes stretched wide open. “You wouldn’t dare hurt her.”
“Oh, I would.”
“No,” she breathed. “No!” With some new-found strength, she managed to stand up and lunge at Alezander.
Before she could inflict any serious pain to him, he stabbed her chest with the silver dagger. Unlike the Demon who had no heart, he just stared wide-eyed at him. He pushed the knife farther into her heart, making blood cover the blade, his hand, and the front of her blouse.
Suddenly, she ceased breathing and her pupils took over all the color of her blue eyes. She fell to the ground with a soft thump, the dagger handle sticking out of her chest. Savagely, Alezander jerked it out of her body. He stared at Mary Helen’s body, covered in red liquid now, then turned and started to walk down a hall. He walked to the end of the corridor, his boots clanging against the wooden floor. He slowly opened a light purple door. Inside, there was a tiny, fair-skinned baby in a crib. It wasn’t asleep--it was just staring at the ceiling. He walked over to it calmly, bloody dagger still in his hand.
“I’m awfully sorry, Sapphyra,” he whispered, looking down at the very small baby. She was almost a year old, but most people said she looked like a newborn. “You’re stupid mother decided your unfortunate fate.” With that, he lifted the baby’s limp head, which was covered in beautiful fair hair, and slit the child’s throat. Blood trickled down her little neck. She just continued to stare blankly with sapphire blue eyes. It was obvious why her mother had named her Sapphyra.
The man stalked off proudly and left her to die.

Um, I hope someone gets revenge it the coming chapters, I don't at all understand why he just killed a baby and I'm a little disturbed by it. This piece has vast potential!