Young Writers Society

Thanks for viewing. If you have spare time, please review the following as well. Please be brutal The more detailed the review the better.

Also, please tell me if my "Show more than tell" is improving. I really have trouble showing what I write.

Prologue
Chapter 1

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ALEX


August 29 2014

I’m busy preparing myself for my first happy time since that day. Hannah’s a breath of fresh air. But I really wonder how she got the timing right. Still, what she did for me this morning was such a pleasant surprise. I really should be thankful.

I got myself wearing a striped, black and white, long sleeved polo with black and white chequered denim pants with my shoes being a low-cut converse with shades of black and white to match my awesome monochrome look. Hannah’s fond of wearing colors. I just hope she likes my black and white life.

I check the time, it’s about 1 pm. The meeting doesn’t start in an hour or so. I figured I should go early anyway. I get my keys, go to the parking lot and, for the first time in weeks, look forward to driving my brand new car. It’s a black Chrysler 300. With the help of a few friends and loaning agencies, I was able to get this baby roaring for me. I got it last month so I could show those rich bastards that even someone who isn’t actually rich but works hard enough can get his hands on a nice ride.

I open the door and I’m greeted with that brand new leather scent. Funny how I didn’t notice this before. I remember that one of the reasons I bought this was because of Karen. I wanted to show her that I could also afford luxuries like her then boyfriend, now husband David. She found my effort something to smile about at the very least.

At least I tried. Now I’m stuck with a car that I probably have to pay for about five years with my current salary. Still, there is no way I’m regretting this little ordeal.

I hop in, grab the wheel and insert the key. TriNoMa huh? I find it funny how I’m going back to the place where it all began. I remember every bit of detail of how Karen and I met by chance that day. Hot damn…I’m remembering all of this now. What a way to start my “fun” day.

The date was August 29 2009; nothing but clear skies and a very happy sun.

It was 11:30 am. Classes just ended and I was off to TriNoMa to watch the movie “The Time Traveler’s Wife”. I’ve finished reading the book the day before so I decided to see how the movie levels with it.

I changed from my white polo jacket to a black T-shirt which looked plain save for the check mark at the upper left. I also kept my jacket inside my bag which I wore early that morning since it was sort of drizzling.

After changing, I went out fast.

12:00, from UST, I took a jeep from España to TriNoMa. Took me about 20-30 minutes to get there. I remembered how there was very light traffic that day.

I arrived at about 12:30 pm. I refreshed myself at the nearest restroom I could go into inside. I washed my face with facial wash and did a little fixing here and there. I was and still am very sensitive when it comes to hygiene.

I remember it was about 12:50 pm when I rushed towards the cinema floor and saw the schedules of the movies. It just so happened that The Time Traveler’s Wife started showing at around 10:30 AM, and the next one was at 1:10 PM. I arrived just in the nick of time.

So I was in line. Everything was fine and ordinary ’til I saw…

“Karen?!”

Surprised, she replied with an…

“Alex?!”



KAREN


July 30 2014

David and I ended up eating within the hotel after all. We’re paying for the whole package so we might as well taste the luxury of a Parisian diet. I wore a little white dress with little red flowers sprinkled in and match it with white flats. David wore a white long sleeved formal shirt with blue stripes running vertically across. We wanted to at least look a little good being that we are staying at not just any old fancy hotel. We also decided to play tourist after breakfast. I’ve never been to Paris before and I’ve always dreamed of going here. It’s like a dream come true. Thanks David.

Just before we rode the elevator down, David rushed back to the room to get something.

”I forgot something. I’ll be back.”

Curious at what he went after, I just shrugged it off.

We’re in the restaurant that bears the same name as the hotel itself. The tourist handbook said that this hotel has the famous chef named Yannick Alléno to which I have no idea who. Judging on how famous he is supposed to be, I guess we’re in for a treat.

The place is just as eye candy as the amount of money you would spend here. This place is just wow. Before we came here, I consulted a little pamphlet to have a hint of how grand the place is.

Your palate will be astonished by the variety of savours and your eyes will be delighted by the dining room’s wonderful decor. Inspired by the Salon de la Paix at Château de Versailles, the decor of restaurant le Meurice reinterpreted by Philippe Starck in 2007, really is an invitation to a unique rapture. This 17th century “grand siècle” style decor is based on three paintings dating from 1905 to 1907, the first phase of the refurbishment of Le Meurice since it opened. Theophile Poilpot (1848-1915) was a French Académie painter who painted in the “pompier” style.

Beyond the majestic gilded glass door, discover ancient mirrors, chandeliers and noble materials such as bronze, marble and other frescoes. Experience romantic elegance at its greatest, through the grand windows overlooking the Tuileries Gardens. This pure white and silver decor combined with natural daylight conveys a feeling of harmony on this extraordinary room.

I finally realized that we weren’t just going to eat at any old five star restaurant located in one of the most expensive hotels in one of the most beautiful places in the world. We were going to eat at a historical landmark! Who am I kidding? The whole of Europe is made up of historical landmarks! I really didn’t appreciate History classes back when I was in neither high school nor when I was in college. But David seems to like it. I’ll go along with him for now; he is the one paying the bills after all. I guess being an heir to a business really pays off.

I decided to let David take command of our food. To my surprise, we had this very special Choc’Alléno which is an all chocolate breakfast created by their famous chef. Croissants and pain au chocolat created from chocolate dough. My mouth watered at the sight and my nose was indulging itself at the smell of chocolate this early in the morning. I can already feel the weight I’ll be gaining in this marriage.

While eating, David and I talk about how great and perfect the wedding celebration was, how beautiful the night sky was, how great the place is, we just talk about how good everything is going and going to be from now on.

“I’ll make sure you will have everything you would ever ask for. Just name it.”

David told me with a very soothing voice fit for a man of luxury. He holds my left hand with his right. I can feel the warmth and gentleness of his touch. His eyes set deep in passion and his voice hinting sincerity and pure love.

“David, you’ll melt the chocolate if you don’t quit that look on your face.”

We laugh at each other’s jokes and compliments. I remember that thing he went to get in our room just before we left.

“So, what is it?”

Confused, he replied

“What do you mean?”

“The thing you went to get before we rode the elevator.”

Surprised, as if he just got an idea, he went to reach from something on his lap.

“Oh! This thing here? It’s a book.”

A book? He’s holding something inside what seem to be a leather book cover. It's pretty thick, I wonder what this book is? I got to ask.

“So what book is it?”

I’m betting it’s a book about the most expensive things money can buy. It has to be!

“It’s a really old book. I think you’ve heard of it.”

I raise my left brow at curiosity

“It’s called The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.”

Oh my God. I’m speechless. That book…Alex and I watched the movie adaptation of that book. Is this coincidence? I woke up this morning thinking of Alex and now as I try to get away from the memories he and I made, my husband just blurts out the thing that made Alex and I…lovers.

“Uh…sweetie? You there?”

I snap out of my blank state. I froze.

“Y-yeah! I’m here. I just uh…uh…”

Why am I panicking? Why can’t I say a damn word?! David stands and comes up to me.

“Is everything okay? Do you feel tired? Sick? Nauseous?”

Great, He thinks I’m about to vomit.

“No! Uh…I’m fine! Really! I just need to uh…use the girl’s room. Yeah, the girl’s room. It’s that stomach problem this morning. I think the chocolate made it worse.”

With his forehead expressing his confusion, he says

“Oh, so that’s what it was. Wow, I never thought you ate so much at our wedding.”

Yeah, so you married a pig. You want a divorce?

“Yeah…I think I had a little too much wine and pasta and all that food. So if you’ll excuse me, darling.”

I stand and bid my husband a silent, temporary divorce as I go to the girl’s room. The comfort room reminded me of the bathroom we have in our suite, only the Jacuzzi and the diamonds were missing.

I go to the farthest cubicle. Luckily, it’s vacant. I sit, lock the door, and fall in love with Alex all over again.

The Time Traveler’s Wife…Alex really loved that book. Sudden flashes of memories come raining down on me as I close my eyes and reminisce the first time we fell head over heels for each other.

It was five years ago, August 29 2009. My current boyfriend and I back then had an argument a few days back and we planned to have a make-up date that day. But I saw something that made me want to go home that day. I was already at the cinema floor when I chanced a meeting with Alex.

Up until now, I still thank God for having Alex and I meet that day. Who knows what my life would be if I hadn’t met him? I probably wouldn’t be married to David, that’s for sure.


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edited after Elinor's advice

Hello Anima. This was a very good story, but it was confusing in some parts.

July 30 2014

I'm confused. You usually don't put dates down right away unless your book is written as a diary, which it is not. If it was a diary, you would have written "Alex's Journal" or something to that effect.

I’m busy preparing myself for my first big day out since that day.

The repetition of 'day' makes this a run on sentence. Also, it's kind of hard to read through. Try breaking it into two sentences. Also, you could try completely erasing or deleting the second instance of day.

Those are really the only problems I had, but I do have one comment to make. As shown from the date at the beginning of the story, this takes place in 2014. Why? It would work just as well in a regular setting. Other then the fact Alex flashes back to 2009, there is nothing special to make me believe that I'm in the future. On top of that, they don't even do anything in 2009 besides watch the time traveler's wife. How is that significant?

Anyway, that's all, and I would really like to see where you take this story. PM me if you have any questions, and when the next part is up.

thanks for the redundancy check.

the dates...I'm actually trying to have a hint of Audrey Niffenegger's way when she wrote TTTW.

the date will be significant in the upcoming chapters. it also tells the reader that years have passed. i also wanted to show that different things are taking place.

again, thank you.

Hello there, Pink here, as requested
Alright so let's get down to the dirty stuff first.

Nitpicks

I got myself wearing a striped, black and white, long sleeved polo with black and white checkered denim

The meeting doesn’t start in an hour or so.

This is phrased weird. Did you mean: "The meeting doesn't start until an hour or so..."?

I check the time, it’s about 1 pm. The meeting doesn’t start in an hour or so. I figured I should go early anyway.

Also the tense is wrong. First you start in present tense (check) and later use past tense (figured). You can only have one tense when you're writing so choose the one that you think is easier for you to write in.

I wanted to show her that I could also afford luxuries like her then boyfriend, now husband David

I don't understand the last part. If David was Karen's boyfriend before but is now her husband there's really no point in saying the boyfriend part.

I also kept my jacket inside my bag which I wore early that morning since it was sort of drizzling.

I don't think you need to put 'sort of' drizzling. It's either drizzling or it's not, right?

I snap out of my blank state. I froze.

We could already infer that she had 'froze' no need to state that again.
Also if you really intend to keep that there I suggest you change it to "I had froze" because it's the past.

With his forehead expressing his confusion, he says



“Oh, so that’s what it was. Wow, I never thought you ate so much at our wedding.”

You do not need to start a new line here.

__________________________________________
Overall
Alright, the beginning of this chapter needs some work. It wasn't exactly 'drawing' me in.
Remember, every chapter needs to have a good start. Suck the reader in every time so they continue to read and read.
Sorry if I sound rude, but this was a bit boring. I mean nothing really exciting happened. I was sort of waiting for something, especially since they were in 2014 but nothing. Maybe you'll take it to the next level in the next chapters.
The part about the restaurant was explained too much. You said too much there and all we really need to know is what kind of restaurant it is and that it's a historical landmark.
I don't like Karen, she's sounds like a money hungry little 'I want everything' type of girl. Maybe she's not but from what I've read that's what she sounds like and maybe that's just the way you wanted her to be.
Although, you did a good job with the ending. I don't know what happened that day and that makes me wonder.
I think you can turn this into an interesting piece.
Keep writing,

~Pink

You're the kind of reviewer that I like. Always pinpointing the mistakes I make

I am forever humble for your efforts.

Hey Anima!

Ok, so Pink and Eli got most of my nitpicks but there is one thing that I really need to say to you. And that thing is tenses. I've read and reviewed all your chapters, and one of the things that keeps cropping up is the accidental mix-ups of tenses that occur throughout your chapters. It's generally small, just a small use of a present tense verbm when you're speaking in past or vice-verca, but it seems to be a consistent problem and definitely one that you should really look out for when you're writing!

We’re paying for the whole package so we might as well taste the luxury of a Parisian diet

Should be past tense here!

We’re in the restaurant that bears the same name as the hotel itself. The tourist handbook said that this hotel has the famous chef named Yannick Alléno to which I have no idea who. Judging on how famous he is supposed to be, I guess we’re in for a treat.

Same with all of this.

I’ll go along with him for now

And again!

While eating, David and I talk about how great and perfect the wedding celebration was, how beautiful the night sky was, how great the place is, we just talk about how good everything is going and going to be from now on.

I'm now confused. Are you meaning to write in present tense? Because there is actually about half/half of present/past tense. Well, I'm pointing out this anyway!

And there is more, but you can easily check for that.

Another thing you want to work on is your show and tell. Yes, it is slightly better, but you still have some way to go before it is anyhwere near perfect. The thing is, that is one thing that connects your characters to the reader, and so without it we are slightly at a loss as to Karen's feelings at the moment. I'm not really liking her character, and I don't really get any feelings for Alex. You, my friend, should work on your characterization. I don't know whether this will help you, but one idea would be to create character profiles for all of your characters which would give you a real insight into them. It's just something that you can make for yourself, but it could really help you in making your characters "3D" as such.

Hope this helped, and well done on the story!

~Amy



I arrived just in the nick of time.

I knew I could always count on you guys. Thanks for such an in-depth review. It is more than I could ever ask for.

Hello anima9. Sorry it took me so long to get here. I got distracted with some stuff about finals and then forgot to check on my WRFF thread.

Okay, the nitpicks have been picked but I figured I could still give you a quick overview.

The showing versus telling has improved dramatically. But there are two things you need to focus most on, characterization and keeping your tenses the same.

Characterization
Okay, this is one of the most important parts of a story.
Writersdomain just recently put up three wonderful articles in the Knowledge Base on character development. Check them out.
Complex Modes of Development
Active Modes of Development
Unlocking Your Characters

As for keeping your tenses in check, my best advice is to just go through and very slowly read through what you’ve written. If you used ‘had run’ and ‘had sat’ before, then you’ll want to also say ‘had disappeared.’ At least in idea.

Keep writing anima. You’ve got a good idea here and multiple point of view stories are always a challenge. *thumbs up*

~lilymoore