Save Me

From my wordpress
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I dreamed of a thousand nights and just one day.

I wonder what took you so far, far away.

But you’re not here, and you’re not there.

Yet I feel your presence everywhere.

====

In my dreams I could not smile.

I knew it took longer than a while.

Wanting to be with you but I can't.

Filled with anger yet I cannot rant.

====

"Open your eyes!" to myself I told.

"Don't give up hope!" as my skin felt cold.

"She'll be here!" my other self screamed.

"Just a little longer!" yet I still dreamed.

====

As the sun regains it's majesty,

I open my eyes to it's glory.

The rainbows appearing after the rain,

I cry to the memories I gain.

====

Memories of you and I,

Promise for each other we die.

You are my life, as I am yours.

Just take me, bust open the doors.

====

We promised we'll be together.

Time can't tell, not even forever.

For you, now I lie here waiting.

Every second, in need of your saving.

====


EDITED AFTER LilyMoore! IOU

This is a good rhyme scheme and stanza set up. Even with the simplicity it gives a powerful message.

And even though being away from your lover seems the first thought, it opens up more things. Is she dead? Did she move away? Or is she in actuality a dream girl?

I also liked your word usage as well. The imagery is spectacular.

Lily here, your faithful servant/reviewer, at your service. *bows* Well, lets just go through this stanza by stanza. Cool beans.

I dreamed of a thousand nights and only one day.
I wonder what made you so far, far away.
Not from here, not from there.
Yet I feel your presence everywhere.

Okay, I know I bolded quite a few things in there but don’t worry, not of it is all that serious.
The first two bolds, “only” and “made” are all about word choice and how it makes the poem sound. I played with both for a while and, it’s only my recommendation, to change “only” to “just” and to turn “made” into “took.” But like I said, it’s only a recommendation.
The third line feels to short to me, like maybe it’s lacking a few syllables. Why not change it to: “But you’re not here, and you’re not there.”

In my dream I could not smile.
I knew it took longer than a while.
Wanting to be with you but I can't.
Filled with anger yet I cannot rant.

If I were you, I would make the singular “dream” into a plural “dreams.” It does say that thousands of nights were dreamed after all.

"Open your eyes!" to myself I told.
"Don't give up hope!" as my skin felt cold.
"She'll be here!" my other self screamed.
"Just a little longer!" yet I still dreamed.

I really like this stanza because of your use of dialogue. It’s creative and gives the poem some texture.

As the sun regains it's majesty,
I open my eyes to it's glory.
As rainbows come after the rain,
I cry to the memories I gain.

This line feels rather short too, especially when I read it out loud. Maybe consider altering it a bit:
“The rainbows appearing after the rain,”
That adds and extra few syllables for length.

Memories of you and I.
Promise for each other we die.
You are my life, as I am yours.
Just take me, bust open the doors.

I like this stanza a lot to because it really reinforces the feeling of loneliness and desire.

We promised we'll be together.
Time can't tell, not even forever.
For you, now I lie here waiting.
Every second, in need of your saving.

And this one too is really good. You’ve told the story in the first four stanzas and now you’re really giving the feelings and emotions that the person is feeling.

Good on ya. I can’t think of anything else that I want to mention. But like I said, all of those were really only suggestions. In the end, the final creation is all up to you.

~lilymoore

I am filled with joy upon reading your review *tears of joy* I really put heart into this one.

You know what, I'll take your advice. It really sounds better.

I have my whole heart to thank thee

From my wordpress===================

I dreamed of a thousand nights and just one day.
I wonder what took you so far, far away. (I wondered...)
But you’re not here, and you’re not there.
Yet I feel your presence everywhere. (Yet I felt....

Considerng that you are relating a past dream, i think it is just proper to use past tenses of verbs.


In my dreams I could not smile.
I knew it took longer than a while.
Wanting to be with you but I can't.
Filled with anger yet I cannot rant.

"Open your eyes!" to myself I told. - ( I think comma is needed after myself since you are using a passive voice in the sentence stucture)

"Don't give up hope!" as my skin felt cold.
"She'll be here!" my other self screamed.
"Just a little longer!" yet I still dreamed.

As the sun regains it's majesty,
I open my eyes to it's glory.
The rainbows appearing after the rain,
I cry to the memories I gain.

Memories of you and I,
Promise for each other we die. (promises for each other never die)
You are my life, as I am yours.
Just take me, bust open the doors. (just take me, but open the doors)

We promised we'll be together.
Time can't tell, not even forever.
For you, now I lie here waiting.
Every second, in need of your saving

Generally, this is really a very passonate poem of a love burning with so much deepness of emotion and thoughts. You got the skill to write truly poetic verses. Keep writing and doing it.

about your corrections: if i use your corrections, it would probably ruin the poem. so thanks anyway.

and it's not in past tense per se. you really have to understand the poem to realize that a mix of present and past is used.

the comma is not needed, rather, it's unnecessary. my rhyme scheme follows a sort of fast tempo it would slow it down and probably ruin it

and i really wanted the people to know that these lovers were willing to die for each other :/ i guess you didn't get that

and I LOL'd at this

just take me, but open the doors

bust = smash through the doors or something bustable. you make me laugh mr. melvin.

before you review a work, make sure you know how to review it. analyze the work properly then start bashing it. what you did here was attempt to correct it per sentence without actually reading and understanding the context of the poem.

Okay, here we go.

anima9 wrote:But you’re not here, and you’re not there.

I think the but can be removed from the sentence, because the last line started with Yet and it seems a strange mixture of two negative conjunctions.

anima9 wrote: You’re not here and you’re not there,

Yet I feel your presence everywhere.

I also think that this should be one sentence, as you said your poem has a fast tempo and these two lines stutter a little with current punctuation.
Your choice on whether or not you want to capitalize the Yet. It should be under cased but every other beginning line has a capitalized letter.

anima9 wrote:Filled with anger yet I cannot rant.

Don't like this line, mostly because it feels like a forced rhyme. But I don't really have any critiques that will help improve it, except find words that rhyme with can't-ant, plant, chant, pant-- and reword it.

anima9 wrote:"Open your eyes!" to myself I told.

"Don't give up hope!" as my skin felt cold.

"She'll be here!" my other self screamed.

"Just a little longer!" yet I still dreamed.

I liked this stanza a lot. It was just perfect.
Other than what I said above, great job.
Keep rhyming,
Empress

Hey anima!

First, some nitpicks:

As the sun regains it's majesty,
I open my eyes to it's glory. <-- Both "it's" should be "its" because they're possessive.

Promise for each other we die. <-- Are you missing a word or a comma here? It didn't make sense to me.

All right, now the poem! I like how you introduced it in a storylike form by showing off the conflict in both a physical and emotional sense. However, I would like to see a more spacial sense as well and a little bit of background information. Where are they? Why are they separated? By knowing this, we have a better idea of who these lovers are... and the story gains another layer of interest. Always a good thing!

Hope this helps!