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Young Writers Society


The Wolf Pack Ch 2 Part 1-2



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Sun Nov 29, 2009 8:21 am
Lethero says...



I was on the road for about 15 hours yesterday so I got most of Ch 2 done. Here's most of what I got.
******
I returned to the house that my mother, brother, and I all shared, still shocked at what I had learned. The High Alpha wasn’t a Werewolf, but a Wizard of the Higher. I knew no one would believe me if I told them, and if there were other people who knew they would think the same thing. Didn’t the Highers trust us enough to guard them on our own without them making one of their own our leader? And why did he reveal it to me? As much as I wanted to look deeper into this, I had other things to worry about.
I glanced around my room, where all my clothes were strewn across the wooden floor, making it look like a rumpled black void. I only had one window located right above my bed. Light seeped in through the blinds, revealing, on my futon, with is blankets in disarray, rested a brown paper parcel that I knew would be there when I got home. Tearing into I found the folded black leather armor of the Betas with two white stripes on the right shoulder that would show the other members of the Pack that I was a Second Beta. As I progress through the ranks, I will earn two more stripes until I reach the rank of Alpha, and like my mother, get the leather armor with the blood red paw centered on the chest.
I put on the armor; buckling the greaves over my black pants, followed by the boots, I slipped into the black cuirass, and pulled on the gauntlets last. The armor twisted and bent with my body. It felt as if I wasn’t wearing any clothing at all. There was a leather belt around my waist where I could attach my swords, and a holster for my gun strapped to my calf. There weren’t very many pockets, but the few that there were were easily within reach.
I picked up the torn parcel and was about to take it to the trash can on the other side of my room, when I noticed a thick slip of folded white paper inside. I pulled it out, opening it to reveal a detail map of Linux Empire and some of the neighboring lands. I could see the stone walls of the High Castle, whose interior remained blank. Surrounding the castle was the Pack Barracks. Each hunting packs housing unit was marked, as well as the houses where families lived together. On the outside of the barracks extened for a half a mile before is reached the Plains of Geyt was the Lower Ghetto, where members of the Lower lived. Unlike the Pack Barracks it did not mark out each housing unit, but showed problems areas where most of crime occurred, most of it being on the very outside.
I looked back at the Barracks and on it I noticed a red dot marking out one of the units, which, I guess, belonged to the hunting pack I was joining. There was an arrow that led to the side of the page that read:
“Second Beta Lethero,
You are to come to Unit #307 at 700 o’clock tomorrow dressed in full uniform. Bring your weapons, and make sure your swords are sharp and you gun barrel is cleaned. I, Alpha Pera, and Alpha Roger will be inspecting them. After that we are going to our assigned area and begin our guard duty. Since you are a new recruit you will be required to stay at the housing unit for a month, and after that it will only be two weeks at a time. You are allowed two hours once a week to clean your clothes, the rest of the time you are expected to be training, sleeping, or patrolling. I expect you to be there by the time stated above. I do not tolerate tardiness.
Signed,
Alpha Pera”
I set the paper down and tossed the empty parcel into the already overflowing trash bin. I flopped onto my bed; feeling the tensions from being made Second Beta as well as learning a terrible secret I could tell no one melted away. I didn’t notice as I slowly slipped away into sleep.

I woke to a knock on my bedroom door. I stood, rubbing the sleep out of my eye, and opened the door. Next thing I knew I was being hugged by my mother. It felt like I was being crushed in her power grip.
“Mom,” I moaned, trying to push her away. “Let me go.”
“Sorry,” she said. She stopped hugging me and held me at arm length. My mother was tall, almost a full head taller than me. Her hair, like mine was completely white, fall midway down her back, and her skin was slightly tan from hours working under the sun. She wore her Alpha armor, which looked exactly like the new armor I had gotten today except with the blood red paw in the center. Strapped to her back was a claymore that was about as tall as I was, and in a holster resting on her hip was a magnum. She was a feared and respected woman who would give her life for the Pack, Linox Empire, and her family.
She took her hands away and gasped, spotting the two white stripes on my shoulder, and then I was back in her arms getting a hug that would scare most full grown men. She let go and stepped back, examining me in my new armor. “So, they made you a Second Beta. I am so proud, and I knew your father had been proud.” I didn’t know who my father was, he left or died before I could remember, my mother would never tell me which. All I knew he had been a powerful Werewolf respected by all, and mother only brought him up to say how he would’ve been proud of me in some way or another.
“Yeah,” I replied. ‘High Alpha saw fit to give me the position.” I did my best to keep my feelings out of my voice about learning the High Alpha’s secret. I don’t know if I had succeeded or not, but I guess I did when my mother did not inquire. “I have been assigned to Alpha Pera and Alpha Roger.” My mother winced as I said those names.
“Are you sure those are the one’s he said, honey?” she asked. I retrieved the note I got today and held it up to her. Her eyes scanned over the words as she read them, her lips moving to form the words. “Dammit, I was hoping you’d get something besides that bitch.” I tried to hold in my surprise at my mother’s sudden use of foul language, she being someone who disciplines the Betas under her for uttering words like that. “I would suggest you arrive their very early, and shine a polish every weapon you own. From what I’ve seen Pera and Roger are strict disciplinarians and work their Betas tired every night. As for losing their Second Beta to sickness, there are rumors that he actually killed himself.”
I felt scared as she described every bad trait that these two Alphas I had been put under had. They have been known to beat their Betas for simple infractions and working them into exhaustion, and then making them work even longer.
My mother saw the fear on my face and quickly said, “I don’t mean to scare you son, just to warn you. I will do my best to convince the High Alpha to reconsider your assigned hunting pack. Just remember to be strong, follow their orders, and never let them see you falter.”
She pulled me into another hug, this one not so rough. “Come on; let’s go get something to eat.”
The rest of the day passed quickly. Mother made a big dinner to celebrate my eighteenth birthday and promotion. Gregor came home just as we were to sit down to eat. I got my first sip of beer, and found out that I despised the taste. They both laughed as I spit it back into the cup. There was much laughter and joy between all of us that day. At the end of it all I found myself tired.
I took off my armor as I returned to my room. I lay down, and just as I was about to disappear back into my dreams there was a knock at my door. “Com e in.” I mumbled tiredly. I didn’t put in the effort to look up and see who it was, but by the way he moved into my room, I could tell it was my brother.
“Hey Lethero,” he said. “Or should I say Second Beta Lethero.”
“What do you want?” I asked, grunting as I sat up.
He reached into his pocket, pulled out a picture, and handed it to me. A Werewolf with hair as sat at the table we had downstairs, a wide grin on his face. He wore the armor of an Alpha, and dual short swords rested on his hips, as well as a handgun in its holster on his calf. On his shoulder was a young Pup of about one or two years of age. You could tell it was a father and his son, but why was Gregor showing me this.
“That’s dad,” Gregor said simply, sitting on the bed next to me. “His name was Geedo and that’s you he’s holding.”
Then I started to notice the similarities between the man in the picture and me. We shared the same blue eyes, pointed nose, muscular build, pale skin, and the same messed up hair I get in the morning, but never bother to comb. It surprised me to see we had the same preference in weapons.
“He was killed one day when they went to do a patrol of the Lower Ghettos.” I watched in the dark as Gregor leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Some group of malcontents who called themselves The Freedom Fighters. They ambushed dad’s group with contraband guns killing him and several of the Betas in the group.” I noticed how his voice grew softer as he talked until it became close to a whisper. “Mother would’ve fallen into a depression if it weren’t for you. You look and act like him so much, it was like he never left.”
He sighed and stood up. “Anyways, I want you to keep it. Let it remind you how much you mean to this family. I don’t want anything to happen to you little brother.”
I heard the door open and shut, leaving me alone in the darkness. I continued to stare at picture, seeing how much this man reminded me of myself. I fell asleep with the man who was my father’s image stuck in my mind.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  





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Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:11 pm
greenjay says...



Hey Lethero! I guess you like your character a lot, naming your account after him. I know what it is like...Characters can become very personal when you write about them all the time.

First I want to say that you have started well. Not only are people interested in your story (which is a good sign), but more importantly, this story is unique and fairy original, so you have a clear shot at keeping our interest!

The beginning is interesting for sure, getting the reader immediately involved with the characters and in the setting, though it seems a bit rushed to me. Perhaps interwoven description of the surroundings would help. One thing I have found that the tenancy of many writers (including myself) is to cut the scenes (or chapters or whatever) too short. I deem that this is the case with these four sections so far (I have read them all). One thing you could do the remedy this, and probably the easiest, would be to combine some or all of them with simple things such as having Lethero walk from the interview to his house. Do not be afraid to zoom way out and take things at a quick pace while also taking the time to add in some valuable description and insight into the setting. That is one suggestion on how to add important description while also making the last sections flow better.

A few more quick things and then I'm done.

1. It comes as a shock when you say that Gregor is Lethero's brother. First, I think they (especially Lethero) would show much more familiarity, even if it was not necessarily friendly. I feel that needs to be smoothed out in order to make the narrative flow better.

2.
My heart skipped a beat. To look into someone’s was like undermining your superiors orders. Many Pups had been punished and beaten for looking directly into their teachers’ or parents’ eyes. But I knew that if I was to advance quickly I would have to listen to him. I stared into the High Alphas eyes and got a realization that would get me killed if I ever spoke a word about. I could tell by looking in to the calculating eyes that the High Alpha was not a Werewolf, but Wizard of the Higher.

This here is major information bomb. It is one of those "WHAT?" moments. This is obviously what you want for the character (and for the reader in some ways), but the way it is written makes it far too sudden, what with the awkward sentence structure and all. The next sentence is also a bit of a bomb, though obviously you cannot pause to explain the whole werewolf-wizard thing at that moment. For the second sentence, I suggest you explain how he noted the difference in order to smooth and draw it out some. You could say something like "The sparkling white deep in his eyes left no doubt that he was not one of my kind, but rather a Wizard of the Higher." This is just a suggestion...I hope you get my drift.

Great job overall. Keep it up.

GJ
  





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Sun Nov 29, 2009 11:10 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hello! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I only had one window located right above my bed.


Rephrase this, it's weird.

Light seeped in through the blinds, revealing, on my futon, with is blankets in disarray, rested a brown paper parcel that I knew would be there when I got home.


Comma burn! Also, its.

Tearing into I found the folded black leather armor


Tearing it open, maybe?

700 o’clock


0700 hours or 7 o'clock.

fall midway down her back,


fell?

“I would suggest you arrive their very early,


there.

Com e in.”


come.

A Werewolf with hair as sat at the table we had downstairs, a wide grin on his face.


hair as what?

Alright...

II. DIALOGUE

This is my main problem here. Your conversations are incredibly wooden. Try and make them more, well, human (even though they're not). Imagine having this conversation with your own mother or your own brother. Imagine being told about your father. What do you say? If your reaction is silence, how does the person you are speaking to react to that silence? Make it natural. In dialogue, we can get a proper idea of your characters. We see he's shocked at his mother's swearing, but what does he say to her, what does she say herself?

Personally, I find dialogue hugely important and honestly, it doesn't take much effort, just a little time and a few more words to get it right. Remember real people don't always get to the point straight away. They hang around. So should your characters.

III. OVERALL

I would try getting a little closer to your MC, I got the sense you were a little distant, but overall, good job!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Wed Dec 02, 2009 12:32 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hello! Here as requested!

I've read everything up to this point (and this as well of course) and I really like the general plot and such. It's a different kind of werewolf story than what has been mainstream lately (werewolves alongside sparkling vampires and what not). It's very interesting, though I wish I knew more about the backgrounds of the werewolves and the wizards and the like. Perhaps it is coming later. If not, you should work it in later. It will give a bit more three-dementionality to your story in my opinion.

Your characters are good as well. Your descriptions are good and not very info-dumpy. Though I agree with some of what has been said before that your characters are a bit distant. Especially your MC who should be closest to you, the writer, as well as the reader. People love a character they can get close to.

Dialogue is a bit stiff as well. As Stella said, try looking at what real-life conversations consist of. Think as real as you can. Listen to people around you to give you ideas of how it goes. Realness (even in fantasy) is what you should strive for.

One thing I didn't like about an early part was the fact that I had no idea Gregor was Lethero's brother. None at all. Convey it earlier on. Even if you don't say it, have their actions and dialogue project it.

I'm excited to see what comes next! Let me know when more is up and I'll be glad to look at it.

-Lauren
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