Young Writers Society

Note:
This isn't exactly a fan fiction. But as an english assignment I was asked to rewrite the ending of a story. This is the alternate ending to James Hurst's 'The Scarlet Ibis'. The story itself isn't great, but I had to stay with the plot, give me a hand with the quality of the writing (and plot if you want xD).

EDIT:

Now revised

***

We looked up to the willowy tree, a lovely flower of a bird hanging on a branch. Silky crimson feathers covering its slim body, the ibis was truly a winsome sight. It swayed slightly, trying to beat its wings, lifting from the branch before rolling down the trunk. The ibis landed with a thump at our feet, we watch its neck jerk, before returning to form a smooth arch. Doodle gasped in surprise and dropped to his knees, his finger tracing the feathers gently. I looked at the bird in slight horror.

“What should we do with it?” he asked, lifting his eyes to mine.

“It’s a just bird, Doodle, we don’t have to do anything with it.” I replied, tapping my foot impatiently.

“But it’s such a pretty bird, let’s bury it.” Doodle said, picking the bird up.

I shook my head and sighed, watching his arms wrap around the dead bird protectively.

“Come on, quit wasting time then, we’ll go to Horsehead Landing. You can bury it there.”

I took grasp of Doodle by the arm, pulling him most of the way. We reached Horsehead Landing, a smooth grassy opening that looked to the sea. The wind had been picking up since we’d left home, clouds rolling in menacingly. I ignored them and decided that we would go swimming. Doodle shook his head, digging his heels in the ground, holding the limp bird more tightly.

“I’m tired brother, and it’s going to rain.” He said, pleading.

“Come on Doodle! Don’t be a weakling. Don’t you want to be like the other boys?” I sighed, annoyed.

“But brother! Please --”

“Oh come on now, let’s go!” I said, grabbing his wrist.

Doodle dropped the bird, which suddenly shook its head and tottered off, surprisingly alive. I watch it go as I walked down to the beach. Doodle followed me, his head down, like a sad dog following its master. The water was cold and foamed as it lapped against the rocks. Doodle squirmed in my grip.

“Please brother, I don’t want to swim.”

“Make an effort, at least wet your feet Doodle.” I groaned.

Doodle trudged into the cold water, holding up his trousers to avoid getting them wet. I wadded through the water purposefully, stopping when the water hit my waist. Doodle looked up at the sky as I threw a handful of water at him. Doodle slipped and fell into the water as the rain suddenly began to fall more heavily, each drop hitting my face like a brick. His head smacked against the unforgiving ground. The water I had thrown splashed against his face, clearing the hair out of his pale face. Lightning cracked violently in the background, briefly shaping the whirling masses of clouds above us. I swam back quickly to pick Doodle up, dragging him out of the water by his shoulders. His head hung uselessly as his eyes fluttered.

I snapped at him, “Come on Doodle, wake up! Wake up!” Shaking him, desperately.

Doodle mumbled something, his eyes quivering some more. The rain fell like curtains, nothing to be seen around me. At that time I felt more useless and ashamed then I ever had.

“Can we go home brother?” murmured Doodle, his tongue thick in his mouth.

My heart squeezed, it was my fault we were here, caught in this storm. I’d stretched my brother too far once again, his abilities were limited but he would do anything to please my selfish demands.

“Yes of course Doodle. We’ll go home as soon as the storm lifts.” I said, my voice cracking

I wrapped my arms around him, trying to protect his fragile body from the weight of the storm. I felt the pounding of the drops against my back and Doodle’s breath trickled into my ear. I watched miserably as earth slid away and mud took form, waiting for time to pass, the rain like jail bars around me. I began to shiver and Doodle groaned weakly.

I looked down at my brother’s face, twisted in pain then slowly returned to his smooth face. It seemed he was going to be alright. I was relieved as suddenly the rain felt lighter, slapping my back more gently. I looked up to see a break in the clouds, the sun’s rays peering through like shimmery beacons. Doodle’s breath was weak but peaceful, I picked him up and started to run home. On the way home, I repeated to myself that I would learn, in time, to accept who my little brother was and who he would grow to be.

Here's my nitpicks! ><

We looked up to the willowy tree, a lovely flower of a bird hanging on a branch. It swayed slightly, trying to beat its wings. It lifted from the branch before rolling down the trunk. The ibis tumbled down the bleeding tree and landed with a thump at our feet. We watch its neck jerk, before returning to form a lovely arch. Doodle dropped to his knees, his finger tracing the feathers gently.

The first few sentences seem very short and choppy. You could put conjunction between two of those sentences, at least.

“It’s a bird Doodle

Comma after bird.

Bury it there

"Let's" or "We'll" before Bury, but maybe it'll clash with the "we’ll go" as being too repetitive.

I’m tired, brother, and it's going to rain

My corrections in bold

Doodle drudged into the cold water

"Trudged" was probably the verb you were looking for.

at least wet your feet Doodle

Another comma problem, perhaps I should explain this grammatical rule: when using a direct address (Doodle) you need to put a comma before it. "Come on, Doodle!" See?

I’d stretched my brother to far

"Too" instead of to.


OK, so there would need to be something explaining to the reader that the bird is still in Doodle's hand after they leave for Horsehead Landing. I thought it dropped out when the older brother grabbed his wrist. Also, you need a little smoother transition between the ferocity of the storm and the sudden breaking of the clouds. Besides that, I couldn't find anything else.
Keep Writing!

Kammie,

The Scarlet Ibis is of my favorite short stories. It's such a touching, heart wrenching tale, and I remember crying the first time I read it.

I think you have done a good job here with easy language. It feels to me like your effort to recreate an ending for this is too strong, and that overrides how you could have made this story better.

My main quips on this is the looseness of it. I know you're rewriting this, but the part about the bird-- wouldn't he still not touch it?

The way Doodle dies is abrupt. It doesn't grab my heart so much as the original version. The dialogue here is pushed. In the original version it was limited as well, and thus it left very little room for personalisation of the characters and such forth.

I think, though, that here you're pushing it. Don't limit yourself in word count or anything, let your creativity run free. Loosen up as your write, Kammie, because this is a good start, but it needs a good shove of work.

Nice going, though. The best rewrit ending I've read so far of this story. Best of luck writing, and if you have any questions, dearie, you know where to find me.

June

Hey Kammie!

Well I've never actually read The Scarlet Ibis, so I'm sorry if this review isn't too helpful on the comparitive side of things.

We looked up to the willowy tree, a lovely flower of a bird hanging on a branch. It swayed slightly, trying to beat its wings. It lifted from the branch before rolling down the trunk. The ibis tumbled down the bleeding tree and landed with a thump at our feet. We watch its neck jerk, before returning to form a lovely arch. Doodle dropped to his knees, his finger tracing the feathers gently.

I'd like to see some of these things expanded slightly. At the moment, you're just giving us ideas presented in short sentences which (as Jen said) seem very choppy. But I think it would be nice if you extended the sentences and then carried your ideas through a little bit. Sometimes simple description just isn't enough.

“What should we do with it?” he asked, lifting his eyes to mine.

“It’s a bird Doodle, we don’t have to do anything with it.” I replied.

“Put it’s such a pretty bird, let’s bury it.” Doodle said, picking the bird up.

I shook my head, watching him wrap his arms around the dead bird protectively.

“Come on, we’ll go to Horsehead Landing. Bury it there.”

I took Doodle by the arm, pulling him most of the way. We reached Horsehead Landing, a smooth grassy opening that looked to the sea. The wind had been picking up since we’d left home, clouds rolling in menacingly. I ignored them and announced that we would go swimming. Doodle shook his head.

“I’m tired brother, and it is going to rain.” He said.

“Come on Doodle! Don’t you want to be like the other boys?” I sighed, annoyed.

“But brother!”

“Oh come on now, let’s go.” I said, grabbing his wrist.

There seems to be a lot of speech in here which is barely punctuated by much else. I think that it might be better if you tried to add in some more description in between the lines of dialogue, I'm sure that the boys weren't just standing there as they talked to each other. Although you've added in some description at the ends of the lines it doesn't feel like enough. (To me, at least.)

Doodle drudged into the cold water, unenthusiastically holding up his trousers to avoid having them wet.

I think "Getting them wet" might sound better here.

I wiggled my toes in the mud as the rain began to fall. Thunder cracked violently through the sky, shaping the masses of clouds above us. Doodle slipped and fell into the water as the downpour suddenly got heavier, each drop like a brick.

I think you need to extend this a little more. As Jen said, you need some transition between the two points in the storm. Generally, it doesn't go from raining to thunder in the space of a minute or so.

“Not yet Doodle, but we will be.” I said, wrapping my arms around him, trying to protect his fragile body from the weight of the storm.

This doesn't feel like the right response to Doodle asking if they could go home. If he had asked if they were home then it would make sense, but as he didn't then it doesn't.


I like the ending; it promises something happier while also leaving a lot unsaid. It leaves me with a few questions, but I'm pretty sure that most of them stem from not having read the actual book!

Overall:
I really enjoyed this piece, Kams. I really want to read the original sotry now, your ending has intrigued me. But I'm not sure that I'm going to like it if it made someone cry their eyes out. But yes, it was nicely written! I just think you need to work on opening up your description a little more and making sure that your piece flows well.

Hope that I've helped!

~Amy

Hey Kamas! Here, at last, is your review!

OK, overall, I can't really jusdge the subject matter, as I haven't read The Scarlet Ibis. However, here are a couple of general nit-picks.

Kamas wrote:“It’s a bird Doodle, we don’t have to do anything with it.” I replied.

Add a comma after "bird"

“Put it’s such a pretty bird, let’s bury it.” Doodle said, picking the bird up.

Try a full stop after "bird", to make two sentences.

“Can we go home brother?” murmured Doodle.

I heart squeezed, it was my fault we were here caught in this storm. I’d stretched my brother to far, his abilities were limited but he passed them every time to please my selfish demands.

“Not yet Doodle, but we will be.” I said, wrapping my arms around him, trying to protect his fragile body from the weight of the storm.

The last bit of this doesn't make sense. If Doodle asked "Are we home?" it would. But he didn't, so maybe consider changing it?

Overall, however, I really liked this! It's very good!

Keep writing!

Mia x

Kamy!!
I'm so sorry I got here so late, I have to check my WWRFF thread more often.
But here I go.

So, first of all. I really like your style,your description. It was very good, you showed us how everything went on. But...
I think that there was some lack of background description, at the beginning for example. You tell us about the bird, how it struggled for its life, but you mostly described its actions. I would have liked to see how the bird looked, how the whole background was.

Second. I know little about the appearance of the characters. It would be nice if you added some physical description to the characters. Also, I noticed that you somehow described Doodle more that you described your main character. I saw that you wrote what he did, what he said (I quite get how he is by what he says?, but some thoughts or expressions would help the story.

Fourth. Dialogue. Is good but dialogue helps know a person, a character right? Well, it doesn't say much. I would say that you let it flow, don't force it and as I said before, some expressions and body movements would definitely add some more to the story.

Fifth.So, I like how you contrasted the events, first with Doodle and the the main character hoping for something better. But...
question. Is Doodle dying? Because if so, I thought he was sick or something, partly because I haven't read the story.lol. But I agree with June in that you should do the ending a little more touching, but never lose that contrast you made.

Third. What I love the most about your story is...
that I didn't have to read the first part to enjoy the ending.

So, most of the nitpicks were already covered, but this is what I think needed to be improved.

Hope I helped

Pudin