Couldn't Put Humpty Together Again

Hey. Feel free to tear apart this poem - it's one of my favorite ones I've written, which is why I'm sharing it. Everything can use improvement! Thanks in advance,
fc


I and my heart sat down on a wall
To look at the man who was handsome and tall.
The sun was bright and the wind was high
With the rush of the gale, I thought I could fly,
So standing up straight I spread my arms wide
Praying that gravity could be defied
I turned to my heart, said I wouldn't be long,
And I sprang from the bricks, hoping i wasn't wrong.
The man flew to meet me, blue in his eyes
But I felt the wind failing my slow, steady rise
A question arose, and I turned to my love
But only to find he was soaring above.
I floundered mid-flight, the stagnance abound
Not flying, not falling, but stillness around.
Three thousand above, I searched for the wall
And saw my heart wavering, ready to fall.
I screamed for my man, I searched up in the sky
Through my tears I could see his vindictive goodbye.
Hysteria crashed, and epiphany's choir
Latched to my madness and fanned all its fire.
I turned and I stared and I saw a last glance
Of the heart which was robbed of its one true romance
It stuttered and stumbled, I helplessly gazed
My heart yearned for errors to all be rephrased
It turned and it fell in its stark, sudden shock
And plummeted thirty feet down to the block.
It died in a shower of hot, fevered blood
It smashed with indignity, down in the mud.
My tears could do nothing, not here at the end
Not at the demise of my one truest friend.
I said I'd be back, but that was a lie;
In absence I stupidly let myself die.
I've waited, I've sobbed and I've tried hard since then
But all the world's riches and all the world's men
Will never put me back together again.

Heya cyber...
I'll get right to business okay? Well, firstly, I know how much a favourite poem really matters to any poet. It is symbolic of your present state, your overall mindset and how you express your thoughts and feelings everyday. While someone can sympathise with this, they cannot be simply made to love it. You have to work for it. For them.

As standards of most YWS poets go, this is a cut above the bulk. And I'll tell you why. You've taken the usual emotions of heartbreak and disappointment that almost everyone writes about and rendered it in a very creative way. It is easy to see that you have the qualities required to portray the overall experience in images. Especially the fact that you dissociated your heart and yourself.

Now, failings: while you may disagree with me when I say that heartbreak poems have an inherent flaw in that they are written too soon after the events in the poet's life and they do not have the sheer force of a matured experience, you cannot argue with Rainer Maria Rilke, who told a young poet to give up on romantic poems as they never yielded something that would make readers think. A piece of advice: wait for a little more time, listen to the heart on the wall and when you realise that you have actually gained or learned something from the experience, try to salvage or rewrite this poem.

More failings: rhyming can ruin one's life. And what one really wants to say. Think again about what you really wanted to say. Did it come across to the reader? Snatch the readers eyes and put them in your sockets. Now say it out loud, "I shall not force a line into my poem because it rhymes. Possibly, while I will rhyme for fun, I will write without rhyme and find out when I'm giving less importance to the meaning." Until you can write for others, do not rush to post your work.

Seeing that you have some gifts in you, it would be best if you stuck around here and enriched YWS with your increasingly better efforts. It will rarely ever become flawless.
Thanks for the read,
The Plant.

Hey Frozen!
Pudin here to review!!
So let's do the positive first.
The poem was very beautiful, at least I liked it. If you put real attention to what the poem means, which is like a riddle almost to me since I suck at putting meaning into my poetry.lol. But you sent a message, a feeling. Like the reviewer above said, this was very creative.

Now on to the review.
First: The rhythm, you wanted rhyme here but you have got to know that rhyme does not always work well for a poem. Rhyme, sometimes, when it's too forced out, it stops the flow of the poem and actually the whole sense of the poem. I'm not saying, that your rhyming was bad, because it actually had a lot of great moments.

The sun was bright and the wind was high
With the rush of the gale, I thought I could fly,
So standing up straight I spread my arms wide

Like this one at the beginning. This rhyme really does sound amazing, at least for me.

I floundered mid-flight, the stagnance abound
Not flying, not falling, but stillness around.

This one is another one that I like.

But there were moments in which the rhyme did nothing to the poem but stop the flow and make the poem sound awkward.

It turned and it fell in its stark, sudden shock
And plummeted thirty feet down to the block.

Like this one, I didn't feel like it was really doing something to the poem. I read your poem like five times and still didn't find the rhyme and rhythm in that part. Don't force the rhyme.

I've waited, I've sobbed and I've tried hard since then
But all the world's riches and all the world's men
Will never put me back together again.

Like here, I feel that rhyme here was awfully forced. I mean the words at the end of the verses do sound alike but they don't sound good if you read the poem aloud.

Now for your wording. I really like your wording, I liked that you used powerful adjectives and words instead of simple ones. But... complicated words that look like they're taken out of a vocabulary list and seems as if they might look good in a poem not always look good in the poem.Or actually sound good.

I would suggest you look over your poem again and edit. Take away what's unnecessary and what stops the flow,. Check your rhyming too.

Well, that's all I see, if you have any question just PM me.

Thanks for the reviews, you guys.

@...Plant? You signed as that but I feel really awkward addressing you as "Plant"...

Anyway, in any case, thank you. I'm going to work on the extraneous rhymes for the sake of rhymes in the future.
But this poem is not from any sort of personal experience, actually. So waiting for these feelings to mature might take a while.

@Pudin:

Thanks for your review, hehe. Yeah, I don't particularly like the line ending in 'block' myself, but it was actually one of the necessary ones. I'll work on that rhyme.

The vocabulary... XD That's just how I talk. Not quite sure how to remedy that issue.

Plus, the last lines are quoted almost directly from the nursery rhyme that I was ripping off in the first place. I can't exactly change those. Perhaps the triple rhyme directly preceding the last couplet?

Anyway, thanks a million to both of y'all for your time and thoughts.